I'm still kind of numb and reeling. Phone records confirmed yesterday that W has been seeing her car mechanic for over 6 months (phone records only go back that far so I don't know when it started).

I'm not exactly a newbie here - MB saved our marriage 8 years ago (I was FishGuy back then). I really don't have the emotional fortitude right now to type out the story...it'll come, as I expect to be spending some time here. I hope to get to know you guys again and I guess I'm hoping that someone will talk me into staying. We have a 5 yr old daughter now, and that changes my perspective immensely.

Right now I'm trying not to make any decisions and just get through the shock, pain and anger...once that happens I hope you guys can help me forge a plan. In the meantime, I remember this place as being warm and full of support, which is what I need now, so I guess that's why I'm here too.

(Oh, and for those who are wondering - I'm not a pilot - "To Live's to Fly" is a song by Townes Van Zandt, who really seems to have known how I feel right now.)

Sorry you find yourself here again.

I think your story embodies many BS' worst nightmare, that it will happen again.

What happened after the last A? Did you two implement MB recovery steps and attempt to build a strong marriage? How did you think things were going?

My D is 7, so I understand completely where you're at with that. However, I think for me, if my W had another A, that would be it. Some people just seem to not have it in them to have an honest, mature relationship. Your WW may be one of those people. If so, you are just setting yourself up for continued heartbreak and pain.

I think you should be at least doing everything you can to secure custody of your daughter and preparing for a D.

Only you can decide if its worth another attempt to recover from this. If so, then I assume you know the drill. Plan A, attack the A. . .the very thought of going through it again makes ME weary. I couldn't do it.

My post assumes a couple things that perhaps it shouldn't. Primarily, it assumes that this is your WW's 2nd A. You don't say that. You just say MB saved your M before. Were you the WS previously? If so, that changes things significantly.

You'll need to tell us some more of your history to get better advice.

Thanks Tyk. Last go around I didn't know if there was an affair. I suspected it, but never found any evidence. Now I suspect even more that it happened and went undiscovered.

I've often used MB principles (specifically Plan A) since then to rejuvenate the marriage when I felt it slipping away. About a year ago, Plan A stopped working and I started to withdraw.

I'm ashamed to say that I became so withdrawn that the A doesn't surprise me...although its apparent length does. I suspect that the A began about the same time Plan A stopped having any effect. This coincides with when my wife lost her job and I kicked Plan A into high gear. I feel I did everything I could to be as supportive as I could...but ...well, but.

I will surely be posting the whole story here as I regroup...probably over on GQII because that seems to be the most active forum. For sure I know that if I tried posting it now it would be disjointed and incomplete...

Ok, I'll read your story when you get it posted.

For now, I'll say that you may have misunderstood the intent of Plan A. Plan A is not a lifelong endeavor. Plan A is used to end an active A, and has several components to it.

Now, Plan A behaviors (as related to learning to meet your W's primary EN's) can and should be incorporated into a JOINT effort to build a strong marriage, but it doesn't sound as if you've had much reciprocal effort from your WW in the past couple years.

Tell your story man, take your time, help will be here.

Thanks I will. I'm at the nauseous stage now... a lot of puking...

OK, story is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2033180#Post2033180

2lives: I am so sorry you find yourself back here, but you're right--help and support is all around you. And INFORMATION on how to proceed!

Imperative that you revisit the Plan A info before you take any action. Sounds like your W is in pretty deep right now, and you'll need to bone up and keep your wits about you. Hers have temporarily gone AWOL.

You will, of course, have to confront her, but since she is totally fogged out, she will NOT react well. In fact, you will probably not recognize the woman you married. Because she isn't there. And she won't be till the affair is over, which is what Plan A is designed to help you bring about as quickly as possible. Read, read, READ! about it here on this site. Once you get the Plan A stuff going, Dr. Harley's books, "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters" will take you further. (Hope you won't need the Plan B info, but it's here too.)Fellow MBers will talk you through every step of the way and hold you up when you're just about empty.

Now, here's the REALLY hard part...devastated and stricken as you are, you MUST try your very best not to shout, scream, denounce, accuse, etc. Practically impossible, I know, but hold it down as much as you humanly can. I was only marginally capable of that and had a few meltdowns, but 15 long months after D-Day #1, we are well on the road to having a more fulfilling marriage than at any time in our 37 years prior to my H's affair.

Before you can even think of reconciling, and I'm assuming that's what you ultimately want to do, the affair MUST be over and absolute no contact established. This is going to take a while--maybe a couple of months, or more. Needless to say, you'll need to find a new mechanic.

Read here and LEARN about what you can do to hasten the end of the A by exposing it properly, taking stock of what YOU need to do to make yourself the more attractive target for her affections (which includes keeping your temper in check, as mentioned above)and heeding what others here have learned as they traveled the road you're beginning right now.

None of us wanted to be here, but being here is what many of us credit for pulling our marriages out of the slag heap. Our hearts are open to you.

I'm sure you'll be hearing from veterans real soon. Stay calm, stay here, and most of all, take care of yourself.

RHW

Sorry guy, I feel for you as I am going thru the same thing. I just found out a few days ago myself. you are not alone, if you need to talk I am here. maybe we can share. Here is a very breif of what has happened to me the last few days.
Kim over the years has said that I never listen to her about my faults. Now to my best recollection those that she always complained about were as follows: Not stop talking when she tells me to shut up, ie getting the last word in. I smothered her with Love and made her feel strangled. When ever I made a mistake I always had an explanation for it or in her terms, justify it. I say things sarcastically when I get mad. She also says that I always made her feel like she was not good enough in everything she did.
Now this last one really puzzles me as I have always cherished her and told her how great I thought she was. I have always told her she was very intelligent and beautiful. I have always tried to do everything I could that she wanted. Every goal in our marriage was to make her happy. I do know of a few times where she did something for me and I thought or planned on her doing something else, or something different and I would say something about it and hurt her feelings. As soon as I realized I hurt her feeling I would apologize.
I always thought that in every decision I made I was trying to please her and I always wanted to do whatever she did to make her happy.
Since I found out that she was having an online affair and was making plans to make it physical she has gotten extremely angry with me. Every time I try to have a conversation with her she shows so much anger, all directed at me, which it always ends up in a heated argument. She is extremely quick to say that this is my entire fault and speaks and looks at me with such hatred. She gets really angry if I do not admit that it is all my fault. She continues to talk to this man on line and on the phone making plans for them to get together and have sex. All the while I am suppose to just allow this to go on in our house as she treats me like yesterdays garbage, and I am not suppose to get upset. It is very hard for me to watch the woman I love so much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, carry on like this with another man.

bowhunter,

I'm right there with you brother. I spent yesterday reading Surviving an Affair and it was like reading a novel about me and W. I don't know that I'm the best one to offer you advice, but there are lots of folks here who will support and help both of us. Make sure to post over on General Questions II as well, because that's the most active forum. I'll be posting more today once W leaves for work.

BTW - I'm a bowhunter too