Brief background...

My wife (43) and I (39) met 15 years ago, married 10 years ago, have 3 beautiful children (7 B, 5 G, and almost 3 G). My wife started an affair last October, I found out about it on Thanksgiving. It's been absolutely brutal since then.

I accept that I failed to met her important emotional needs of conversation and affection during our marriage and left her vulnerable to having those needs filled by someone else (OM is 57, separated for 8 years, w/ 2 teenage sons).

4 weeks ago she very reluctantly agreed to NC and gave OM back his phone - not because she wants to work things out with me but because her family told her that she was handling the situation very badly and they would 'cut her out' if she continued this way.

My wife claims that she married me out of guilt, convenience, and compatability and not because we had the deep emotional connection that she has now found with OM. She therefore claims that we have nothing to go back to on which we can build a better relationship. We are currently both living in our home - she is sleeping in the guest room.

I have read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" and I have been doing what I can to meet her emotional needs and carry out the bulk of the parental responsibilities. Unfortunately she believes that I am only doing this to strengthen my position in the event of a custody battle. While I am researching and doing what I can to build a better relationship, she is researching how to be divorced.

So, after this long-winded background, my question - how long should I continue trying to save a marriage when my wife believes that there is nothing to save? I realise that she is going through withdrawal but she does nothing to indicate that she cares about me. What should I expect of her emotions in the coming months, and when (if ever) should I hope for her to be a little more receptive?

Good morning Evis,

Welcome to MB. It's an awesome place and full of so many supportive and understanding people. I have found it to be a place of comfort and caring that has truly helped this walk of mine become ok regardless of what happens. And that is something I didn't think could happen.

I can't tell you really what to expect in the coming months with respect to emotions, but I can address the first question.

If you have read much of what is on here you will recognize that your wife pretty much talks this language called fog babble. And rewrites the history of your M. It seems to be a common traits with all waywards. They are aliens who have been abducted and just aren't our spouses.

How long should you continue to fight to save your marriage is really a personal question that you need to answer. And there are many people on here who can help you problem solve that through if you don't really know. Personally I have been fighting for my marriage for over 10 months and still fighting.

Those books you got, keep reading them, and study them. Come to this site and ask questions of people whose stories touch you. Would you say you are in Plan A? If so, then you understand that the changes and things you are doing to save your marriage are for you? Because IMHO that is what makes the changes lasting.

Are you a person who had a good relationship with G-d? If so, start talking and praying like you never have before. And hopefully TMTS will check you out. He did an amazing Plan A that was a whirlwind of emotions and learning that I think he was surprised at.

I'm sorry you are here, but this is a really amazing place to be at and learn from.

Queenie..

Thanks for taking the time to respond. When I first found out I spent some time posting in another forum at "SurvivingInfidelity.com". I found a lot of support there as well.

My wife says that she 'has nothing left to give' our relationship. She has read the first 7 chapters of "His Needs, Her Needs" and accepts that many women who enter affairs are not thinking clearly, and are fooling themselves. But not her, she REALLY is IN LOVE and now she knows what REAL LOVE is (and I don't) and that it can only be found with that special someone (who isn't me) and she cannot see a future with us.

For the sake of our children, (and for her, and for me) I intend to continue fighting as long as I have the strength.

thanks again...

Eviscer,

One of the things I had to learn was that pretty much anything that comes out of my WW mouth is babble and lies. Do you get that your WW is in an addiction and that her instinct is to fight for her next fix? Don't buy into anything she tells you, she isn't your wife, you can't trust her and honestly, she is dangerous to you right now.

That can change, but it takes hard work. It has been said to me so often, I didn't cause my WH to choose to have an affair, but I had a part in the marriage that allowed the situation to happen. Have you looked at your part of the marriage that created this? Are you willing to make changes in yourself for your sake and ultimately your marriage? If so, what are the things you are learning about yourself in the marriage?

Have you asked her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire? Try that first - get an idea of what she thinks is wrong.

My wife does not express too much interest in reading books or completing questionaires that are focused on building a better marriage. She is really just waiting around for me to accept the inevitable and be fair in a divorce.

Yes, I believe that I recognise, accept, and have changed those failings of mine in our marriage. Unfortunately it may be too late.....

It is NEVER too late. Mimi, from here tells me to stop my "Stinkin Thinkin". Don't listen to what she says, she is an addict and you are her enemy. You are the one keeping her from her drug and she must fight you. Have you read TooMuchTooSoon's thread? I highly recommend you do that.

Find others threads on here who have worked a strong Plan A and ask them questions if necessary.

Hang in there. There is so much to learn and do, but you can recover your marriage as long as you keep the stinkin thinkin away.

EV

Welcome to MB.

Your WW sounds an awful lot like many others. Yes, she KNOWS she's in love. Well my FWH was "in love" too. But not anymore.

If NC has only been for a short time, then withdrawal is still happening. Her feelings for you will come back, but it will take time. Plan A during this time. Eliminate the LBs and work on you. Also meet whatever ENs she allows you to meet.

The most critical issue at this time is NC. If she is in any contact with OM, you won't get anywhere. You'll feel like you're just spinning your wheels. If it starts to feel like that, then there's a reason to snoop. And you should be "verifying" most things at this point anyway.

You stay in Plan A for a set amount of time. If your WW is a particularly unpleasant WW then you need to protect your love for her and go into plan B sooner rather than later. How long has the A been over? When was NC begun?

Basically, you do a stellar Plan A. Be the kind of H any woman would want. Work on any issues that you need to. Improve you. If after your set time frame, she has not come around AND you feel that you cannot continue, then you go to plan B.

NC has been 4 weeks (I think she has maintained it).

Issue with Plan B is the children. Whatever arrangement we make will require a 50% 'timeshare' with the children. I'm not sure how that would work whilst me maintaining NC with her.

I hadn't heard the 'Stinkin Thinkin' expression before - very apt

I'll have a look for TMTS's threads...

I get nailed more often than not on my stinkin thinkin. I find I can be my own worst enemy.

Well my friend, you sir are hearing what many of us have. I'm sure you understand by now that it's all part of the fog, it's a fantasy that they believe to be real. There is a link to my thread in my sig line. It was a wild ride. But in the end it worked out, and today... well let’s put it this way, my FWW was crying on my shoulder last weekend so grateful that I never gave up on us and was willing to give her another chance. And I think that she sounded like your WW only a couple of months ago.

Continue to Plan A every opportunity you get, with no expectations (You'll see that come up allot in my thread.) Just do it, be like Mike. You'll get to a part about a bunny, well she sleeps with it every night and reminds me how much it melted her heart when I gave it to her. At the time though she had a real good poker face and I didn't know or care how it affected her, it was something I knew she would like so I just did it.

If you can get into that mentality, you'll do fine.

One word of caution... unless it ended in a very ugly manner, don't trust that NC has not been broken. Gather your own intelligence.

Thanks TMTS...



The link to your story

Ooops, just had to resend this - I inadvertenty clicked submit prematurely

Thanks TMTS...

I hope to be where you are in a couple of months.

Congratulations.

The link to your thread didn't work - do you mind resending it?

thanks again

Ok, new to redo the link.

Well, no luck redoing the link... not enough space. If you click on my name and add me on your watch list, you sould be able to find it. Look for a line that says .... I got me a god snooping team.

Edited to add:

CLick on my name, the link is in my bio.

Yes, NC is critical. And you should verify where ever/whenever possible. Things won't get better if she's talking to him, seeing him, reading messages, ....anything. It has to be total NC.

Like TMTS said...get yourself in a mindset. Almost like she has an illness. You know she's going to get better, but it's going to take time and care. No LBs. You're "nursing" her back to "health". Stay focused.