I had been posting on the just found out forum, but decided to move to this one hoping for more advice.
Basically 2 months ago I discovered H having an "EA". I was pregnant at the time with our third child, so we decided to work on our marriage. I thought things were going really well with us. We were doing counceling, he ended up having to get a different job, and he seemed very sincere in all his efforts.
Well, last Thursday we gave birth to our third child, a baby boy. Saturday we were coming home from the hospital and that morning one of the OW friends called our house to see if I was home with the baby yet. My sister told her no and told my H that this girl he worked with had called. He came to the hospital and told me about the phone call. I was really upset bc this wasn't the first time in the past two months the OW had tried to have contact with him in some form. Anyway I called the friend and told her that she needed to tell the OW to leave us alone bc we were trying to work on our marriage. The friend informed me that my H had been lying to both me and the OW. He apparently told the OW he had terminal Cancer! I really thought the OW was crazy and making all this up. I called the OW and she admitted that my H had called her in the past week and that she did want more and cared about him a lot. I just asked her if she would just leave us alone because we were working on things. She said she would!
Well, that night when we got home from the hospital she called and told me that my H had told her he loved her and she had text messages wrote down to prove it. I didn't believe her because I thought she could write whatever she wanted. She then told me she had voice messages from him if I wanted to hear them. After just having a baby I didn't really want to be dealing with this, but thought she was bluffing. So I told her to come over and I would listen to them. She ended up coming over and I got a whole lot more than I bargained for. There was a message from him telling her he loved her and he had never felt this way about a girl before. Then she showed me the phone log on her cell phone to show me that he had called her the night I was in labor from the hospital, and the next morning from our sons preschool. She told me that she had been over here at night while I was at work. She told me he had been at her appt recently and she was able to give factual information that she would only know if he was there or she was here!
I then asked the dreaded ? did you have sex? She said yes, but my H still tried denying it until she was able to describe his tan lines and some of his insecurities. I then knew for sure they had and he couldn't deny it. He then finally admitted that they had had sex.
After she left I wanted to kick him out, but after just having a baby and a 4yr old, and a 19 month old it wasn't feesable. I ended up finding out that they had sex in our house. They had sex within the past two weeks. The day our son was born that morning he went to her appt. and they kissed. He said she wanted to have sex, but he said no it was over. He said that is why she came over Saturday night was because she was pissed that he had finally ended it. However, the past two months when we were working on our marriage he was telling her that he wanted to leave me, but he had to work out the insurance first.
I could go on and on, because my emotions are so far out of wack that I don't even know what to think or do. I told him if it was just me in the relationship he wouldn't stand a snowballs chance in HELL, but since we have three children together I almost feel like I should try and give him another chance. It is really hard though because I just gave him a chance two months ago and it doesn't seem like he tried at all. He claims he did, but the withdrawl got the best of him.
I guess I just need some advice on what I should do and if I try to work it out how do you get past the fact that he slept with another woman. I really need to be held and comforted right now but I don't want him to touch me because I think of him touching her. Help, I am open to any advice. Thanks

Hi CS,

Welcome to MB, I am sorry that you are here. I believe you have found a place that will not only help you with your marriage, but help you to learn about yourself as well.

Have you gotten the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs? What have you read on here? What have you come to learn on here about affairs and what happens to the wayward?

I haven't read either of those books, but will most likely be getting them really soon. It is just so hard to find time to read with a newborn. Anyway, so far I have read up on the plan A which I implemented when I first found out in January about what I thought was an EA, but turns out it was more. I also read up on Emotional Needs and meeting eachothers needs. I really haven't read up on much more, but will definately be trying to read a little more now. Thanks

If you can afford to get the books, it is well worth the investment. There is so much valuable information.

I know how tiring it must be for you especially with a newborn, but I promise you it will help you focus on what you need to strategize to save your marriage.

bumping up for the vets to help this BS out!!!!
(((((((hugs confused))))))))

Love in Christ,
Miss M

((((Confused)))))

(aren't we all in the beginning...)

Welcome to MB and sorry that you are here. But in this sitch you are in this is the BEST place for you to be.

Lets talk about you....how are you doing, all things considered??? Have you talked to you OB/GYN about what is going on in your life?? If not, do so immidiately. This is your third child, so I do not need to tell you about post-part. depression. And with the added stress of your WS (thats stands for wayward spouse...), you could be doubly in danger. This has me worried for you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE call you DR. in the morning. It's better that they be alerted to your situation at home sooner rather than later.

Also, how is your support system? Who have you exposed this to? Friends, family,church??? You need people around you to help you. We will be here for you, but you need more than that.

As far as what to do right now?? Nothing. You are hardly a week away from giving birth. The ONLY thing you need to worry about is you and that baby. I would advoid your WS at all costs. You don't want to fight with him, you need your strength to heal from giving birth. In a few weeks, when you are stronger, then you can worry about your M.

(((((confused)))))

I know this is hard and feel for you....get the books, keep coming here, keep posting, reading, learning.....you will survive this....

Hopefully the VETS will see this tomorrow and get in here and help......

until then, you are in my prayers......

not2fun

I have not contacted my Dr yet, but am sure that I will be doing so today. I have never suffered post partum depression in the past, but I don't want to wait to find out what it feels like. I am also meeting with our counselor this afternoon to discuss this entire mess. I am hoping that she will be able to help me figure out how to handle this. As far as my support goes, I have told a couple of close friends, my sister, and I actually told my mother in law! It sucks though because our family lives 2.5 hours away and I would love to pack up and move home, but with a new baby and two other kids, one who is in preschool, it isn't possible. I really thought about pulling my son from preschool and moving home for part of my maternity leave, but we have so many Dr. appt. the next 3-4 weeks with checkups for the baby, the other kids, and me. Anyway, I appreciate your concern and hopefully I will learn a little more after counseling today! Thanks again for all the prayers

(((Confused))))

You are calling your Dr.? GREAT....this is the most important thing you can do today. You may not have suffered from PPD in the past, but with all you are dealing with and your bodies systems still transistioning from giving birth, it can happen.

I wish you good thoughts today and for some moments of peace. It is terrible that you are going through this at what should be a joyous time in your life.

I will continue to bump this for you as much as possible so the VETS can get on here and help you.

I could give you advice, but I am still in the thick of my OWN situation (DDay was in Nov.....WS moved out, denied PA...caught them together 2 weeks ago....transitioning into Plan B....my story in a nutshell...) and am still quite new at this myself. I am willing to support and encourage you though.....

Keep you chin up and love on those babies as much as possible...

not2fun

^^^^^bumping for the VETS^^^^^^

Please schedule yourself for STD testing as well. I am so sorry that on top of having a newborn and little ones at home you have to deal with this heart break.

Here is what I would do:

1. change your home phone number
2. If your H still works with this woman, he needs to leave this job and you need to expose at his workplace.
3.What do you know about this OW? Does she have an H or a boyfriend? You need to expose to anyone with influence in her life.
4. Your H needs to give you free access to everything. His cell phone, cell phone records, email etc. He needs to change his cell phone number immediately as well.
5. He needs to get tested for STDS as well.
6. He needs to write a NC letter to the OW that is approved and mailed by you.
7. Most importantly, call the Harley's and get set up for phone counseling with Steve Harley for both of you.

Not really a vet but I'll give it a shot. First, welcome to MB and congratulations on your new baby.

Now... what does your WH say about things now that you know? I know he admitted everything but now that he's been outed, is he willing to work on things? The first thing that needs to happen is absolutely NO CONTACT with this OW. A no contact letter needs to be written and then approved and sent by you to OW. There are several places on MB where you can find an example.

If he's not willing to work on the marriage but is still in the home, even though I know you've just had a baby (and babies can be a healing balm sometimes!) you have to decide whether you want to try and recover your marriage. If you do, then read up on Plan A (although with you just recovering from childbirth and having a newborn I understand the time constraints). Then you need to try and expose the affair to everyone that matters, including people that have influence over OW.

I feel so bad for you. Keep coming here and posting and we'll help you out whatever you decide.

Yeah, and what Faithful said...

^^^^bumping again^^^^^

this story just really touches me.....hugs to you confused...

Well, we went to counseling yesterday and it went as well as it could go. He told me and the counselor that it is completely over with the OW and he really wants to work on our marriage. I really want to believe him, but there have been so many lies in the past. I just hope if this is what he truely wants that he will put 110% into making it work. The past two months since I found out about the "EA" I had been putting everything I had into the marriage and I thought he was as well, and then to find out that it had continued and was a PA makes it hard to want to put that much effort into it again.
However, I have kind of turned to God a little more this time to see where he will lead me. When I truely think about it I wonder if God knew that I wasn't ready 2 months ago to hear that it was as Physical as it was, because we were already struggling with preterm labor and that may have sent us over the edge. Which if that is the case it makes it hard to truely work on the marriage when he was busy trying to cover up such a big lie! I am hoping know that everything is on the table we can truely start working on this marriage together. The counselor told us it will be a very long and hard road, but if we are both truely committed she believes that we will make it! I really want to because I never entered into marriage for it to end in divorce and especially now that we have three beautiful children. I feel that I have to at least give it a try for their sake.
I plan to go to Barnes and Noble tomorrow and was wondering what books would be helpful? I know people have mentioned surviving an affair and HNHN, but I was wondering if those are books for both my H and me or more for me? Does anyone know any good books for the Wayward Spouse? He has started to read some of the stuff on this website and he said he wishes he would have read some of this stuff two months ago, but at least he is making an effort now. I guess better late than never! One last thing, any advice or books or anything to help me get past the image of them together intimately? Thanks again for everyones concern and prayers.

((((confused)))))

I am so glad you went to your counselor. Did you call your OB/GYN yet???

I know this is hard, betrayal, the lies, everything. As far as books, start with "Surviving An Affair" and "Her needs, His needs". Then you can progress from there. As far as books for him, I don't know.

It's funny what you said about God's timing and you finding things out when you did. I have come to that very same conclusion. I first found out in Nov. Was told it was just a EA. Found out on March 13, it was NOT just a EA but also an PA (confrontation with the two of them....). Anyway, its a long story, you can read on my threads (I have 2, the first one is older and a little farther back, and a new current one...), but I think things went the way they did and the info. I learned along the way was DEFINATELY God's timing. I could not have handled everything in the beginning. So, kind of funny how it works that way....

Anyway, keep us updated....and if you need a place to chat or vent, we are here for that too....

Not2fun

I went and bought the books surviving an affair and his needs her needs last night. I started reading surviving an affair and am already about half way. It kind of scares me to think that this is going to be a big part of my life for a very long time. I just feel like I have already been on such a roller coaster ride already and I just want it to end.
Yesterday I was struggling a lot with the fact that they were so intimate. I ended up asking some questions that I really didn't want the answers to, but yet I asked them. I just don't know if I will ever be able to get past the fact that he was with another woman sexually. When we got married we had been dating since high school and were each others only partners. I just feel wierd because I find myself wondering if this marriage is meant to be or not. I find myself wondering if I should leave him because I never really dated that many people and wonder if he was the one for me. He was able to find someone to fall in love with so quickly that I wonder if we should be together. It also bothers me that he now has another sexual experience other than ours and I feel like he will always be comparing what he had with her to what he has with me. I will always be worring that it was better with the OW!
I know that my emotions are really high right now and have to pick up my prescripion today. I didn't tell the Dr. about the affair because he is our family Dr. and I'm not sure I wanted him to know everything, so I just told them I was struggling with post partum. I will see how I am doing next Friday I have the babies 2 week check up and could mention it then if I have to. That is another thing when I was reading Surviving an Affair it talked about how the WS might need to go on depression medication to help with the withdrawl. Should I mention this to the Dr. or wait to see how he does? I don't want him going back to her at all because if he does I think I would rather just leave him and forget everthing because I don't think I could be strong enough to handle that roller coaster.
Also one last thing our counselor told us that we shouldn't tell people and if we do just to tell them to pray for us. I really don't want a lot of people knowing because of the shame and if we work it out I don't want people thinking or talking. However, a lot of what I read on here tells you to let everyone know. I guess I'm not sure which way to go with that. Thanks again for listening to me vent and ramble, all your advice is greatly appreciated.

Sorry, I forgot to ask what you guys think about sleeping in the same bed. For the past week we haven't slept in the same bed and I was wondering if this is hurting things between us? I feel like I want him to be near me, but then I get the images of him and her and I don't want him to touch me. Obviously after just having a baby the whole sex thing isn't even up for discussion yet! But, at six weeks when we could is that something that would help, and how do you get over the hurdle of the first time after finding out! I guess I might have a better idea after seeing how the next six weeks go. I am just worried that he was with her quite a bit and I don't want him feeling neglected in that area, becasue I realize that is a big emotional need for a lot of men. Once again thanks for any advice!

To tell or not: I'm a believer of telling. Because it helps keep him honest; they'll always be keeping an eye out, observant in case he slips, and hopefully will let you know before it gets to far. Also because the humiliation of what he did to the family is, IMO, the key component of him wanting to stop the A (or any other). When D17 does something wrong, and tries to sweep it under the carpet, I don't let her; I make her approach the person she wronged, admit her wrongdoing, and apologize. That is a lesson that a lecture or a counseling session will NEVER top. If he has to admit to family/friends what he did, or at least know that they know, he'll think much longer and harder before ever taking that step again. Finally, it shows integrity, to everyone - owning your own mistakes. If he can't take that step, I have to question his veracity.

Are you seeing a church counselor? I'd really recommend finding someone with a real psychology degree.

Sleeping: Do what feels right for you. Let him suffer the consequence of no time with you, to drive home what he did to you. The WS HAS to get this lesson, or they are more likely to repeat. That said, if you want to provide him with SF, you can always do it manually. That might even help with you not having to engage as much.

Please for the sake of you and your children do not have sex with him until you both have been tested for STD's. Yes, you need to tell your doctor! Believe me, your doc will not be shocked. They here this all the time unfortunately.

Well it has been a while since I was able to post anything new, but I am struggling again.
We have been going to individual counseling and have discovered that my H is a compulsive liar and has been for some time now. They say he is living a performanced base life. Meaning he tells people what he thinks they want to hear. This really scares me because I have to ? if he really wants to work on the marriage or if he thinks by saying he wants to that will somehow make what he did a OK with everyone. I ask him if he truely wants to work on our M and he is very adimate that he does. However, I'm not sure his actions are matching what he is saying. For example I read the book SA and told him that he should read it. The response I got was just tell me what it says I don't have time to read it. I'm thinking if he really wants this he would make time. Also yesterday he was suppose to go to counseling, but got out of work late, or so he says, and so he didn't make it. I am waiting to see if he actually calls to reschedule. If he doesn't then that will speak very loudly that he really isn't into fixing our M. Then I will know that it is time for me to move on because it isn't going to work when only one of us is trying to fix it.
It will be three weeks since I discovered it was a PA and I have asked if he has had any desire to talk to the OW, and he tells me no. It seems like he is very distant and I don't know if he is in withdrawl and doesn't want to admit it. I just don't know where to go from here. I honestly feel like giving up and moving on with my own life, because he really hasn't went out of his way to ask me what my needs or desires are. I almost think he wants it to work just because it all he has ever known and because of the kids. I would love to kick him out for the next 4-5 weeks of my maternity leave just to give him a tast of what his life would be like if he doesn't put any effort into saving this M.
As I have said in the past post I work nights, but am going to be going to a day position. Well I found out that I won't be able to go to days until next February! That also scares me because I don't trust him and if we were to split how would I do it with three children under the age of 4, and no family around!! I try to come up with different sencerios and I can't come up with one that seems workable. I have wanted to put the house on the market since I found out, but he isn't doing anything to help me get it ready. I think he thinks because I am home I should be able to get all this stuff done, but with a new born and two other kids I am lucky to get a shower each day!
Sorry, I am rambling, but I am under a lot of stress right now and I have never been very good about handling stress! Thanks for letting me vent! Confused