All,

It's been a while. I haven't posted much since my ex monitors my posts, but since changing names hasn't kept her from spying on me then I'm won't even bother trying to hide it anymore.

Here's a very FACTUAL account of the latest adventures in our ongoing custody dispute:

She tells me she wishes to move away with the kids in November.
I object to the move and tell her so.

She calls a meeting with the Parenting Coordinator for the first time in months. I am confused by this since she didn't want to engage in the process. I put my head together with someone else to try and figure out why she suddenly wants to use the Parenting Coordinator and we figure out that it is likely to do with her move.

Sure enough, we have our meeting and the first words out of her mouth are that she wishes to move and take the kids with her.

I object again.

I filed a modification of custody request with the court in response to this move, among many other issues that have happened this past year such as false allegations of inappropriate conduct with my daughter and several other reasons.

So, now I have my ex reading my posts on an anonymous forum where I go for support and to lend others support. I've worked hard over the past two years to put my life back together after having coped with infidelity, divorce, the loss of my children's presence in my life, the loss of the only career I ever wanted, unemployment, and separation from family.

It's been a tough two years, but now I have a good job. There has been an acceptance of all my losses and I've been actively involved with an IC for many months, which has helped me tremendously. I've started dating again and have been moving forward with my life.

The only hole in my life is the absence of my children. I miss the sounds of their noises in my home. There is a deafening silence there.

But, life carries on and you adjust to that as well. You look forward to your nightly phone call, which doesn't always come, and you prepare for their next visit.

I just put up new curtains in my daughter's room and have been staying busy taking care of handyman projects in my home such as hanging up shades, painting over scuffs, installing new shower heads, and the like.

I've even learned cake decorating in the last two years!

I've joined a Christian singles support group and have made some good friends there who have been a great source of support for me.

So I went to court last Friday for a scheduling conference. This is where they look at the schedule and decide what path will be followed by both sides.

A best interest attorney has been assigned for the kids and mediation has been ordered.

That's where we stand.

I've been reading two books on co-parenting. Both have the same message. Conflict hurts the kids and there needs to be an end to it. They talk about the importance for kids to have both parents involved in their lives and for them to be free to love both sides. The books encourage amicability between parents and are critical of the way that courts handle "custody".

They've been a guide to me on what should happen as we move forward. I'm going to ask my ex to read them if she wishes because they are eye opening.

Then again, she was the one who gave me a book just before our divorce called "Putting Kids First" which encouraged 50/50 between parents, but is now openly against such a thing.

I don't know. Sometimes I think lawyers get in the way of progress. She sounded like she was willing to offer something I was hoping to hear on Friday and one of the two lawyers she has (that's right, 2 lawyers) told her to say no more.

Hmmmm.

Well, hopefully we can resolve much in mediation, which won't involve lawyers.

Time will tell.

My parents came by to lend support and with the hopes of being able to see the kids, but they were denied the opportunity.

They left here without having the chance to see them all because of a mis-understanding of people who are not use to dealing with the terrible conflict that engulfs this process.

The legal system sadly encourages it.

Suddenly, something trivial is blown grossly out of proportion.

The examples below are used to illustrate:

"She doesn't tie the kid's shoes. That's neglect!"

"He didn't feed her broccoli for dinner and gave her pretzels instead. That's poor nutrition! He doesn't feed them well!"

"She puts the kids to bed wearing sweats instead of pajamas. That's terrible!"

"DS3 bumped his head at his house and has a bruise on his forehead. He must be abusing the kids!"

These are all examples and none of them apply to my case, but they illustrate the type of thing that parents sink to and that start involving lawyers and make them a lot of money and the kids suffer.

The books I've been reading deal with exactly how destructive this is if it continues. It is very eye opening.

I bring this up so that others in similar situations can think about it. Plan B is wonderful in the sense that it eliminates all that conflict and makes it better for everyone. But it's also unrealistic to think you can keep in that mode if the marriage ends and the kids are involved.

I have made this long and don't want to lose others as they read this. I want to post about my great experience this past weekend with my parents, who are divorced. It's hope for the future.

The books I've been reading, and I recommend the to anyone going through divorce and who have children, are:

"Mom's House, Dad's House"
"The Co-parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce"

They have been incredible books.

So now I'm in a very philosophical mode. I'm involved in one of the most terrifying things I've ever done, which is face a court system full of unknowns and questions and with no guarantees of anything.

Here's to hoping that in the end we have something that will be good for the kids.

Hi. I am a new member here, just signed up today actually, but I have kind of hung around reading posts for quite some time. I am still warming up to the idea of talking about my personal issues here, but reading others posts have helped. I just wanted to leave a quick post to you after I read this to say how nice it is to see someone thinking all this out so much. You seem to be doing all the research about what is best after a divorce and approaching your current situation with ideas that have been well thought out. I look forward to reading further about the great weekend you had with the folks who are divorced in the future. I'm guessing they get along well if they were both there and the weekend was actually a GOOD one! That sounds encouraging, very encouraging. Thank you.

Pomdbd3,
Do everything you can to make sure you don't loose your half of time with your kids. You are no less important to their lives than their mother. If you know where your ex plans to move you might research the area and check out jobs and housing. If & when the timing is right you might let her know that you will relocate if needed to keep your time with the kids. She may not go through all this if nothing will change. I saw it happen with a friend. She thought she would put many miles between dad and kids and have them all the time. The dad suprised her with a list of employers he was checking out. Also Grandparents can visit you and kids where ever you are.

She decided to stay put...


Daniel

Yes, your suggestion is one I've thought about.

The fact of the matter is that if things don't go my way here, I will move to where she's going and will once again be near the kids. I'll ask for more time there from her, which she's likely not to give it, and will then file for visitation there.

My purpose in life is to be a father to my children. It's not to see how much money I can make. It's not to see how many women I can date.

It's fatherhood and being a father and an example to our kids.

My professional goals have been accomplished. I wanted to fly jets for the Air Force and I did so. 50 combat missions and 1400 hours of flight time.

The kids were born and that completely changed my priorities.

Now, about my parents:

It was great. They came here to see the kids because we thought it was my normal weekend with them. I made a mistake in not checking our agreement, which stated that she gets the kids for Spring Break.

She offered to let my parents see the kids.

So my parents arrive. My mom talked to my daughter on the phone the night before I was supposed to see her. My ex listened in on the conversation and used the conversation to "justify" her change of heart regarding my mom and dad seeing the kids.

My mom flew in from California. My father from Indiana.

Well, we made the best of the time. We went out to dinner and went shopping together. We came home at night after the court hearing and sat down and had some wine and chatted.

Here's the funny part: it was my mother's wedding anniversary to her new husband. We clanked wine glasses to congratulate her and my dad made a joke about how she is celebrating it with her ex husband.

We all laughed very hard about that.

We continued chatting and laughing through the night.

It was nice to have my parents around each other and getting along well. I can see now as a child of divorced parents how nice it is to have your parents get along. You don't feel torn in your loyalties.

I don't necessarily see myself sharing wine with my ex someday, but it would be nice to end the hostility and have her recognize that I'm as much a part of the children's lives as she is.

Acknowledging that would go a long way towards us having a more amicable relationship for the kids.

So that's my story of the weekend.

Another weekend without the kids, but it was a decent weekend.

I spent the time doing home projects which need doing. There's something theraputic about taking on these home projects. Touch the paint up here, put some caulking there, etc.

Wasn't much of a handyman when I was married. It's different when you own your own home.

Exww brought the kids over for me to take them to church. I hope she's open to continuing to do that. My daughter didn't want to go with me because her grandmother was with her. She's very attached to her. I tried to encourage her to come, but she didn't want to and I didn't force her.

The boys and I went instead. We sat in the "cry room" and they played with toys while I listened to the service. I did teach them how to make the sign of the cross, however. We went up for communion and the priest blessed them, as usual, and he was surprised to see me without DD5 and asked where she was. I simply said she was with mom.

I got communion and went back to wait and the boys wanted me to "hold them like a baby", which seems to be a common request by all 3 of them. I don't mind, of course.

I had a date tonight. Not really planned out.

I invited a friend over that I've gone out with before. I have remained interested in her and she and I did go out for several months, but my current drama and her own issues have really kept us from connecting.

We had a very nice time just sitting in my house and talking. I asked for some decorating tips and she helped me out some.

We grabbed a bite and had a good time. I can't afford to go out like that, but it was the first time in many months so I'll find a way to cut back in other places.

I gave her her Valentine's Day gift, which I bought for her when I thought I'd see her, but she cancelled on me back then.

I hugged her goodnight and hinted that I wanted to kiss her, but she smiled and teased me a bit as if to say, "No, sir! That will get us in trouble!"

So it was left at a hug goodnight. I hope there is enough of a seed there that she'll want to go out some more in the future.

I really like her and she's very attractive to me. Time will tell.

I'm really hurting for money right now. My credit card is nearly maxed and my home equity is nearly maxed out. My paycheck almost all goes to CS and I have a negative income. I've been getting by on loans and it is all coming to a head now and I can't go any further into debt. I'm behind on medical payments, have had to cut back on my therapy sessions, and am now officially living paycheck to paycheck. That won't last long, however, and I'll have to cut even more out soon unless CS is adjusted as it was scheduled to adjust back in September.

It costs a lot for medication too, but I have some hope that the VA may be able to help me with that. I'm going to look into it.

I don't know what's going to happen with my job. Tomorrow is a big day that will make or break me. I have to impress the guys who hire and am going all out to do so. If they're not impressed I'll be out of the Pentagon by the end of the week. The good news is that this is due to our contract expiring and not because I've done something wrong.

I just hope they approve me to stay on the new contract. We'll see about that as well. It's a scary feeling to be afraid of being unemployed again, especially when I'm already out of money.

All I can do is pray for the best.

Prayers going up for you from California. Hang in there and I hope you WOW them tomorrow. Things have got to get better.

I'm scared right now, but am putting it into God's hands.

He has a plan for me and weird things have happened to help me. I'm sure He'll pull through for me in the end with my job and the kids.

I have a phone interview with a new company soon, so not all my bridges are burned.

All I can do is keep my fingers crossed. I have a lot of hope that I'll be re-hired to stay on board with my current contract. I'll find out before the end of the day today.

Anyone relate to having to give a presentation with your job on the line over the outcome of it?

Pretty nerve wracking, especially when you're out of money.

It's going to be a late day as I await for a possible outcome on this.

Please, please, please say a prayer for me.

It's all in His hands.

Ok. The big presentation is 45 minutes away. The outcome could very well determine where I'll be showing up for work on Monday.

I'm calm, but there's a reason things happen. I went to a ceremony today and two of the big folks who will have a say in hiring me were there. I swapped flying stories with one of them, who was a Navy pilot. We shared our "scariest moment in an airplane" incidents and swapped stories.

The main man I'm going to work for happens to be the father of twins. I talked to him a little about the challenge of having twins and he said something I said myself. There is no worse form of sleep deprivation than twin babies!

He said that!

So we have a shared experience there. So I hope now that he sees me as a real person and not just a resume.

My supervisor is going to follow up with him after the meeting and give me an answer on whether or not they will keep me on board.

I sure hope so. This would be one less thing to worry about.

The good news is that I will switch insurance companies with a change and the new insurance looks like it is better than the old in terms of coverage.

As they said in "The Life of Brian": Always look on the bright side of life! (whistles follow that)

I did it! I made the impression and get to keep my job!

Well, that's one less thing to worry about.

I breathe easier!

Sort of. I still need some help financially, but I know I don't have to search for work if I don't want to.

This is one thing off my plate. I just have to dive into things full steam now and make sure that my good impression sticks.

So I'm happy about this. My fellow contractors, helped me out and stuck up for me.

All is good!

congratulations!

and you are right, there is no worse form of sleep deprivation than having twins. i didn't get a full nights sleep for at least a year after they were born!

mlhb

Congrats Pom

God bless and may this turn into a long streak of fortunate days for you....you're certainly due.

Remember..the jar is always at least half full...and judges LIKE optimistic happy people.

Mr. W

I'm a bouncing ball of happiness right now. A renewal of my position at the Pentagon doing a job in an environment I'm comfortable in.

I spoke the language today which impressed a Marine and touched him personally when sharing stories of twins.

It was a good, if a bit stressful day.

I went to Goodwill this weekend and found three very cool things. I got a Superman Cookie Jar for the kids and it is quality stuff.

There was a Superman Bust statue which looks great in the boys room. Both those things look like quality collectibles and I was very happy to find them.

And I got a joystick.

All that stuff for about 3 bucks each.

Isn't it funny how the little things in life can be so rewarding?

Mr. W, if you see me damaging myself on here I'm sure you'll pull out the 2x4s and let me know.

I don't know how you can twist getting rehired for my job out of context, but what I've seen of lawyers recently wouldn't surprise me.

Present company excluded, of course.



I have a very funny story about a grandmother who went to court. I'll post it here. It's a true story of a woman in Mississippi.

I got this off a google search from the following webiste:

http://kalimna.blogspot.com/2008/02/grandma-goes-to-court.html

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'


She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'


She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'


The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Oh, I'm so happy for you!!!!!!! More prayers going your way. I'll be praying for you, your kids and your family. Hope things have hit bottom.

Things hit bottom on Memorial Day, 2006.

They've been either maintaining altitude or going up since.

But that was a very low bottom.

A psych ward in Walter Reed. Can't get much lower than that.

But it was a life altering experience.

I still hold dear the quilt made by ladies for recovering soldiers.

I miss wearing the uniform. God bless our troops and I miss being a pilot.

Yes, God bless our troops.

Sorry you miss being a pilot. Now you will have to look around to see what other way you can make your life wonderful. Will be praying that life continues on the upswing for you.

There's no job like flying. Nothing compares. But I do have a good job right now supporting big wigs at the Pentagon.

Not anywhere near as exciting as flying but I accomplished that goal. Being a father is more important to me now.

I've been spending a lot of time getting my house projects done. I've had to borrow equipment from friends for it, but it has been a good thing, theraputic even.

I found two collectible items at Goodwill this weekend. I bought them both for about $5. I did a quick search on Ebay and found ONE of the items is a collectible and goes for about $220. I may not be keeping that as a decoration for the boy's room. :P

The other one is a cookie jar. It's Superman transforming from Kent to Superman and you can remove his head and put cookies in there. It's a collectible too!

I may have to make Goodwill a source of a second income!

I'm amazed at what I've found there. Pictures for my walls, decorations for the kid's rooms, toys, etc. Not bad stuff.

Good source if you're on a budget.

That's neat about the stuff you can get at Goodwill.

My MIL got me a set of dishes at an estate sale not too long ago for $129.00. A huge set! When I priced them on replacements they were all worth like $1600.00.

Friday, my MIL got my husband a brand new Braun shaver in the box- never opened for $3.00- and three brand new (with tags) Polo shirts- Ralph Lauren that is.

Glad to hear you're doing well!!! Good news about the job too!

Will the foodbank donate food to someone who is a suit wearing professional?

I'm down to $500 in my checking account, which is supposed to cover food and gasoline until the 18th, when I get my next paycheck. I think $200 of that will go out on my home equity loan.

I'm very worried on how I'm going to make this happen and my credit card is topped off.

I heard the story the other day of a guy who ran out of gas on his way to a date. He was broke because of child support.

The woman he was with dumped him because he didn't show up.

***sigh***

I may need to get a part time job to buy groceries!

Then again, going to Goodwill and selling things on ebay may prove to be profitable.

My ex wrote me today and gave me grief over the dates for child support. I told her I'm living paycheck to paycheck and that she'll get the funds when I get paid.

She told me that daycare has to be paid and that they don't care about if I can or can't pay.

All I could say was that I couldn't write checks that I know will bounce.

Do things ever get better?

Are you not paying her on time?? I kinda worry how that will be reflected in court. What does your lawyer say about that?