You are wonderful to take the time to help me. I read it over. Ya, looks tough to do. I can't understand why he would want to put the children and me through such hardship. I understand that he wants his cake and eat it too, but how selfish he is on the pain he is causing others. Hard to fight for my marriage with this pain everyday. I just want to heal.

I have another question to you experts -

He says that I didn't send him a love note everyday while he was in Iraq. That really hurt because I did send him notes and we videoconferenced and I sent him carepackages every two weeks. I also took care of the children, the house, my job and looked over all of the military families as the commander's wife. The other woman is not married, no kids - all she did was contact him - just like she is doing now - constantly texting him all day. He even just said to me that he doesn't have time to get his job done.

I can't believe after all that I did for him he says he picked her because of her daily text messages over our 14 year marriage. If he would have told me that is what he needed - I would have filled his mailbox to the max with love notes. I prayed for him and held the kids - he never told me that is what he needed. But again - I did send him notes, cards, packages - why doesn't he see or remember that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He doesn't see or remember that because, quite frankly, he doesn't recognize anything positive you do right now. For him to give you any kind of credit would cut into his justification for the affair he is involved in. He is going to spin your relationship in the way that best supports his position. That won't stop unless or until he starts seeing flaws in the affair relationship.

Sally,



...you really don't think it's a case of text messages, do you?

The thing w/ WS's is that they say lots of stuff like that...comparing what OP does for them w/ what they DON'T get from you...it's all rationalization.

Any comments on my previous post re exposure, counseling and divorce?

L2F

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It says several things about this... something to the effect that the betrayed spouse can do all sorts of things to make deposits in the wayward spouses love bank, but it wont register becuase they aren't paying attention to it.

I know it's hard but you need to learn how to not to let anything he says bother you... and if he does say something that is hurtful and bothers you... Keep a poker face and don't let him see it. If nessasary come here and vent, and get support...but don't love bust on him with angry outburst, disrespectful judments etc...

L2F, just an FYI, but she has been in Plan A much longer than 6 weeks. She needs to go into Plan B now and the only way she can do that is to remove him from the home. He won't leave. In her state, they do not have legal seperation, so she is left with filing for divorce. She cannot endure this abuse much longer and clearly is ripe for Plan B.


Sally, your H is an addict who is rewriting history in order RATIONALIZE his affair. In order to justify his affair, he needs to characterize you as a DEMON. He has the mentality of an ADDICT right now and you know the things he is saying are not true, SO YOU SHOULD STOP LISTENING TO HIS BABBLE.

Do you understand that, Sally? Would you take seriously the drunken rantings of a FALLING DOWN DRUNK? Of course you wouldnt. It is the same with your H. Stop listening to his babble.

Did you see my post about filing for D in order to get him removed?

Sally,

I though you said you filed for divorce? Have you?

If you haven't I would seriously consider doing this.

Have you retained an attorney? If you have an attorney and he has given you bogus legal advice on getting your husband out of the house then he may not be competent.

Find a good attorney... I found one in the Philly area that is very knowlegable of military divorce laws. Shop around and educate yourself before you retain an attorney... It makes a big difference.

Exodus1414, Learning2Fly, Amazin,MelodyLane and others that respond - THANK YOU!!! I was feeling so down this morning. Your posts helped me realized that it is not me - I am not a Demon or ugly - he is just going through this thing that he has to justify and he has to make me out to be bad to do it. I am trying to be Mary Poppins, but I will tell you - I look at him in disgust and it is hard. But because of all of you - I will try harder.

Yes, this has been going on for too long. I did file divorce immediately after finding a text message from them talking about Italy. I was afraid he would run off with our credit cards so I filed and cut off all financial ties. I also found a good local divorce lawyer that was recommended to me by the church (if you can believe that one) because they see the pain I am in and want to protect the children too. My lawyer says that the trial for custody won't happen till the beginning of 2009. I don't think that is fair to have him in this house until then.

I exposed him to his boss - but I am sure he lied to get out of that one and made me out to be the bad person. I tried to expose him to the Army - but failed. He has a new CO and I don't know him. At this point, I would only look like I am trying to get him back for what he is doing to me. I am not a bad person and don't want to get even. That is not me and I won't go down to his level. Right now, I would rather concentrate on getting him out. He won't leave till he gets the children - that is just another selfish thing he is trying to do. He is not thinking about what is best for the children.

I think you are all right. The Army warned us about drinking and drugs after they came home from deployment. This is his addiction. But there is no way for me to stop it - only he can realize that. I have called the VA, I have set up therapy, I have told his mom to help him - nothing has worked. Maybe he wants this addiction to rule his life? Maybe he wants this new life and I just need to accept that and let go. As you can see, I am still torn and confused. My own fog right? As time passes, I realize this man is not for me - I deserve better. I just can't understand how he would throw everything away. We could have worked on fulfilling each other's love tank - that would have been so much easier than the path he has chosen now.

Any advice of what I do now?

Yes, Sally, get ahold of your attorney and get a seperation agreement that removes him from the house. Wait a couple of weeks and then go into Plan B.

In the meantime, I would expose the affair to the PROPER AUTHORITIES and stop putting it off. You are wasting your valuable time by delaying this. Who cares if he thinks you are doing it to get him back? It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks about it, you still do it. Your H is not going to like being exposed no matter what.

I would also suggest that you expose to the OW's parents.

Yes...read this post... Ark's Be Still

Then, have a great weekend...and take a "day off" from thinking about this...it wears you down.

Then go back and reread this thread from the beginning...

L2F

Great advice Learning2Fly and ARK. I read it and understood. I have also been doing a lot of reading with some great books to help me understand everything. I know now just to be still and understand I am not the first and I won't be the last person this happens to in our society. I am taking a deep breath and concentration on what matters - children, God, my work and especially ME. Thanks for all your help!

How are you doing today, Sally?

L2F

Hi - I am back and wanted to let you know how I am doing as well as get some advice on next steps.

WS is still with OW. He has made up his mind that this is what he plans to do. We went to a therapist and he told me that he has not loved me for years. I asked the therapist what type of man could go to war, pretend to love his wife, let her suffer, leave her with all the responsibilities of the kids and home without even caring about her or loving her. The therapist told me that he is disassociated himself with me - turned off his feelings. They actually teach that in the military. I think it is not human. I am so hurt and in pain still over being betrayed and used.

I have come to a better understanding that God has a higher purpose for me. That he is trying to make this as painful as possible for me so I remember this feeling and I move on. There is happiness for me down the road - I just do not know the why right now. So I have put myself into God's hands to lead me through this darkness.

WS is still in the house and will not leave until I give him joint physical custody of the kids. Or so he says that is the reason. I don't know if it is or not. He will not move in with her - and I dont understand that one. If he loves her so much wouldn't he want to be with her 24/7? We still argue over what happened in the marriage - why we are where we are today. It is really strange. He admits now that he is mad that I make more money than he does. I found out that he treated the women in his unit - while he was their commander - like dirt. I feel so bad for them because they could not defend themselves like I can. I think he has a real issue with women and since I am not submissive to him and he can not overpower me - he does not want to be with someone like me. Amazing how he never voiced his needs or who he was until now. I have to believe that this is meant to be and God is trying to help me get out of this.

BUT IT IS SO PAINFUL!! PLEASE HELP ME STOP THE PAIN! HOW LONG WILL THIS CONTINUE? We were married 14 years and have 2 beautiful young children. I feel as if my entire life that I have built is falling apart. I know it takes time to heal. But tell me what I can do to move on. It is so hard since we are still in constant contact with each other. It is like he throws salt in my wounds everyday.

I took the children away for vacation this week and he keeps calling us to say hi to the children. It hurts everytime I talk to him. But you would be so proud - I have finally come to the place where I am able to talk and be nice and tell him what a great time we are having. I have finally come to a place of stillness. I have finally listened to your posts and I am trying to be still....or move on.

He says he will always love me but is not in love with me. Why can't this heartache end? PLEASE HELP and GIVE ME SOME UPLIFTING ADVICE. When I get sad or full of fear for the future - what do I do to make myself feel better and get over that immediate pain? Thanks to all that post to help me.

Hi Sally,
I've been thinking about you and your situation. I read your last post and I have a question for you... Do you really think God's plan for you is to divorce your husband? I recently gave my life to Christ. I'm still very new in my faith and I'm still learning to listen to what God wants me to do and his plan for me... It's kind of strange but I have this feeling that God is going to use me to get to my wife. Have you thought of that? Maybe the Lord want's to use you to save your husband?

Sally,

Is your lawyer working things out with his lawyer. My questions is, what does he mean by joint physical custody?

If he is asking for your children to live with both you and he, well, that isn't very good for them. If he is merely asking for joint legal custody with a liberal visitation plan, then that isn't unreasonable.

By the way, if your H has told you that the Army teaches detaching from family, well, he is pulling your leg.

Who

It is interesting that you ask that. On Holy Thursday, I realized that everything that was going on with me what because God knows that my husband does not believe in God and heaven - he does not care about consequenses because he doesn't believe you will meet God someday. So it is easy for him to be immoral. Since he does not believe - he will not be with me as I pass on. I do believe I will meet someone that will believe and I will be happy with someday. I am also trying to explain to my husband about mercy and forgiveness. That he can realize that he can change and that God is there trying to help him. There are so many people that are trying to help him and show him the way to God - but he continues to not listen. So I continue to drop little hints and helps to help him get there. I pray for him that he finds his way. So to answer your question - yes I am the tool that God is using for him to find God. Unfortunately, it is at the expense of our marriage. If he finds his way and does turn back to the marriage - that is wonderful. But that is not happening and he is turning to his affair and his new life. There is only so much I can do - I need to move on and find a way to be happy.

My husband wants the children to live with him 2 days during the week and on every other weekend. That is not fair to the children. Again, everything is about him and how he wants everyone to do exactly what he wants. It is not best for the children - they are not ping pongs. They are already fragile from not having him here while he was away at war. Having them in flip flop from house to house during the week is not fair to them. But he can not see that. So selfish. My lawyer is talking with his lawyer - but this will go to court. Terrible.

Sally,

How old are your children? As I recall, your WH is in the NG and was activated for deployment. Is he still on active duty status?

As I understand it, the only way that joint physical custody is given is when the divorcing couple live close enough to each other that the children would go to the same school.

Interesting, my next door neighbor had joint physical custody of his two daughters (they were around 9 -10) and they did just what your WH is suggesting. It seemed to work well for them.

I think a lot of what develops will depend on your WH's intent with regards to OW. I believe that you can stipulate that he can't live with OW and still have your children over-night. But of course, if you divorce and he remarries the OW, well that changes everything.

I guess if it were me, and I didn't feel that my WH would be abusive, I would agree to the joint custody to avoid a long, nasty, very costly court battle, which will probably be equally harmful to your children.

If you are resolved to move forward, you may have to compromise with him in order to get him out of the house.

Who

very very sorry for the situation your H has created for you and the family and I think his 'plans' if you can call them that for the kids are so unrealistic.

disassociation from your wife/husband taught by the Army.. well in our Army anyway ... and we work closely with the US Army ...is rubbish ... they if anything encourage contact contact contact where that is possible. Special forces is a lot harder becaue of their type of jobs and all but they do not encourage soldiers to desert their families. They promote the family as the main stay of their support.
Can soldiers become this way due to what they have done or seen? yes but thats a different issue. My H has been through it and probably will again...sadly thats a thing that all pay for what they do especially in high risk tasks. Some more some less. Mil wives and families will understand that one.

Strangely enough my H also has real huge doubts about God and Christ when before the war he was a strong Catholic. The war has put it there no doubt at all. I work with the family support group and its so so common to hear the men will say 'you dont know what its like' or 'I can't talk to you' from the wives.... and yes its very hurtful and frustrating that they won't even try .. it's like being locked out isn't it?

It can and does get very selfish and they only see how THEY feel and anything they do to feel better is not only ok but justified... even if they have to invent reasons for it. Sadly it appears to be what your H has done.

Unfortunately you cannot change him or lead him or show him he's destroying his family ... not unless he is willing to do these things. Its not fair and its certainly not right he has placed you here, but right now I feel you need to look after yourself and the kids and protect yourselves from his disconnection or whatever he thinks he has.

I'll pray for you and the kids,, and your H .... and hope at the least the kids will have stability with you.

all the best

AW

Our children are 4 and 8. Way too young to be moved from house to house. He doesn't even have a home in the area and is not looking. He says he can drive them where they need to go. But again, he is not thinking rational - he has to leave for work by 8am - the bus comes at 8:30 for my one child and the other attends daycare and gets there around 9am. The bus comes back at 3 - so I don't know how he thinks he can do it. I just can't see making these children suffer anymore. This is so unfair. Why can't they understand what an affair does to a family. Why couldn't he have just communicated his needs to me? If he would have done that - we would not be in this situation. I would have done anything to save our family. But with the ongoing affair - he has just chopped the head off of our marriage.