Hello,<BR>I am new to posting here, but I have been reading for quite a while. <P>Quick overview- <BR>My W & I have been separated again for 4 1/2 months now. She filed for divorce 3 weeks ago, and then said she wants to work things out - AGAIN (We've tried 4 times in the last year). Every time, it's ok for a couple of weeks, and then she starts back into her old habbits, and things go down hill again. This time I rented my own appartment instead of staying with friends or family, and I am trying to put my life back together. I have been in touch with some old friends, and made some new ones. (Mixed company)<P>My Question-<BR>There is a lady in this group of friends with whom I share much in common, and I am very attracted to her. I guess my question is this... since we are separated, would it be considered infidelity if I were to date this woman? I'm torn between the feelings of still wanting my marriage (just a little), and wanting to get on with my life. <P>I would appreciate any input you all have for me. I haven't really seen any topic like this one before, but I know that I value everyones opinions from other post, and they have helped me too.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Ring My Bell<P>PS - Additional info -- we went to counseling for 8 months (W doesn't want to go back), and we don't have any children.

Hi there,<P>Just my opinion, but I would get a divorce before dating someone new. You stated that you wanted your marriage back a little so think about the fact that if you do date this other woman, you may shut the door on any chance of reconciliation.<P>My ex and I did the same as you and your wife. Back and forth, separating then getting back, then divorcing, then getting back again. My love for him has made it impossible for me to move on and date others although I now have the right to do so. Until last weekend I thought we had a chance, but he informed me otherwise. Does not know what he wants. I feel he just got a taste of the single life and now is enjoying it. He also has shown a woman on the net something he should not have, but I dont think he has dated anyone yet. If he does, the door will be permanetly closed. I pray everyday for God to change his heart and keep him from the temptation of other women. They may excite him sexually but I Love him and they do not.<P>Maybe you should just wait until you are positive in what you want. I feel to date now will be making a serious mistake. Just my opinion, you asked.<P>Good luck to you. I will have you in my prayers also.<P>Bluestar

It is infidelity if your wife doesn't agree that seeing other people is OK. If she agrees, then at least "technically" you are not cheating. If she doesn't agree, then you need to get a divorce first. My opinion is that you are married until you are divorced. The new woman you are attracted to would probably appreciate your character more if you waited, if she has any character herself. If I were this new woman, I wouldn't have anything to do with a married man. Separated or not.

You already know the answer. You are still married, regardless of where you live. If you want to date, I feel you should divorce first.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

RMB - Do you have a formal, legal separation agreement? If not, you probably should have one drawn up (though it does kind of finalize the arrangement). That's where you can spell out the kind of thing like whether it's OK to see other people, etc. Even if you don't, you might want to OK dating others with your W, at least run it by her. I think you would be treading on thin ice if you started dating other women in a sneaky kind of way while at the same time you were trying to reconcile things with your W.<P>I do have some experience in this dept., having gone through this process once myself. My 1st W and I did have a formal, legal Separation Agreement which (I think) included a clause saying, in effect, it was OK to date other people. And, in fact, I did start going out with someone fairly soon afterwards. I knew her but wasn't actually dating her before the separation). I don't consider this to have been an affair, even though I didn't tell my W about it, because we were definitely on a divorce track and really made no attempts at reconciliation along the way. Hopes this helps. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Ring My Bell,<BR>FYI... Most Therapist worth thier salt recommend not getting involved with anyone for at least a year AFTER the divorce is final. I believe this is essential especially if you have children. For whatever it is worth I just thought I would pass that along. I don't recall if Dr. Harley speaks to that or not, but I am sure someone can tell us.

Dating right after divorce invites "on the rebound" disastrous decision making. Just imagine what confusion dating during separation could cause?<P>Wounded egos, desire for revenge, and general horniness can really screw up looking at the long term picture clearly. I would cool it and try to think clearly and rationally with no distractions. Things have been emotionally turbullent enough in the past few months without adding to it.<P>Just my 2 cents. Good luck.<P>

Ring My Bell<P>Good question. Have similar questions myself.<P>I revealed to W four years ago about past affairs during our marriage. Last affair was in 1992.<P>W has struggled with my infidelity for the past four years, and finally separated five months ago. After one month of separation asked W if she had a time frame for the separation. I told her maybe to separate for six months, then see wether we should get back together or get divorced. Wrong thing to say. W got very angry, saying I was tring to control her.<P>One week later W went away for the weekend. When she returned on Monday, she told me she wanted a divorce.<P>One month later I moved out of the house so she could move back home. W had been staying at her parents.<P>Two weeks later W has a new male friend staying with her. She said she didn't meet him until after she decided to divorce me.<BR>Not sure about that.<P>It seems like an affair to me because how she has acted with family about OM.<BR>Our son 22 and his W, along with our daughter 20, moved back into the house about the same time as my W.<BR>My W has been very close to our children.<BR>They were very upset that this OM was living there. W said they would have to get used to it. She has become very self centered. W has said she has taken care of everyone else the last twenty five years, now it was time to take care of herself.<BR>She has not taken this OM over to her parents. W if 43 OM is 30.<BR>Our daughter and my MIL say they don't know who my W is anymore. She is trying to look eighteen and act it too. Seems like a midlife crisis?<P>Is this an affair?<BR>Please help, I am getting mixed answers.

Thank you all for replying. I kind of figured this was the response I would get.<P>As for a legal separation agreement, we have one stating what each of our financial obligations are, what property we are entitled to, etc., but there is no mention of dating others. I think my W would blow a gasket if she thought I wanted to see another woman, even though, throughout our 10 year marriage she has seen several other men, and has been until about 3 weeks ago. I think her breakup with the most recent OM has something to with her desire to reconcile. She has never been on her own (ie - without a man in her life) for more than a couple of weeks since she was 17.<P>I think I am lonely too... but more for someone to share life's experiences with, than for sexual companionship. I enjoy doing things (ie - museums, plays, and other outings) and it is always more fun with someone to share them with. I guess I will stick to the group outings, and enjoy everyone's company for now. <BR>

Hi there,<BR>Saw your post and had to respond. By tort law, you are in a sense ok to date but you are still married until divorced. I personally would not date because even separated mean still married and morally I couldnt do it. If your looking to save your marriage, this could haunt you and if your w doesnt agree with you concerning dating, the hurt imposed wouldnt be worth it. Be careful and think this through