Just a thought...when he asks, ask him if he's still involved w/ OW. If so, then he can make his own dinner.

This is a boundary issue...he keeps crossing yours, because you're letting him. This in turn makes you madder at him...a viscious circle.

Sally, we cross-posted! A couple of thoughts...

I recognize fully the futility of joint counseling w/ a spouse in an active affair. The phone counseling I was referring to was primarily for YOU.

Yes, he is reliving an old tape.

Are you saying he can't change?

YOU did, and for the better, right?

You are a stronger, more loving and more aware person than you were so many years ago, aren't you?

I recognize your H from your description because that was much like me and my relationship so many years ago. I took way too much for granted, I was focused on me and my career...my WW was helping, supporting, and raising the family. I didn't fully understand that I wasn't growing my marriage too...it was on autopilot.

This A has made ME grow so much. I am a much better person for it...not that I'd recommend this route to marital bliss to anyone else, mind you.

I guess what I'm saying is that while your H says he's not a statistic, he is just like every other WS you read about here on MB. He is not special, he is a caricature of himself. He will not see it until something comes crashing down and makes it real for him.

Have you read the 31 Reasons to Stop an Affair? Good stuff, and something worth leaving for your H to read.

Here's the link: 31 Reasons


Are you sure you know what he wants? That's a DJ, Sally, and you keep doing that.


Don't we all!

An often-used (but never over-used) is that having the perfect marriage isn't about finding the right person, it's being the right person!

Learning2Fly - you are so right - next time I will be the right person. I have grown so much and learned so much from this experience. Everyone I tell what is happening to me - I tell them to work on their marriage everyday - they usually run home, tell their spouse of my situation and talk about how they can make their marriage better so this does not happen to them. Guess something good is coming out of this - I am helping others and I am learning never to get to this spot again.

In my next relationship - I will make sure I fulfill the needs and let them know when mine are not getting fulfilled. Live and learn.

What is a DJ? Thanks for help on that meaning and what I am doing.

He won't get it until we are gone and the house is gone. So sad - but what else can I do? I am reading the article now. Thanks!

Hey Sally,

A DJ is a Disrespectul Judgment...a lovebuster. Go to this link, if you haven't already:

lovebusters

You are certainly growing so much Sally...the only thing I'd recommend you do more of is paying more attention to all the things your WH is "saying". Not the words, but the actual actions, i.e., going to church, spending time in the home, etc., etc. Perhaps he's waiting for you to "crack" first so he can come back home completely...who knows.


Don't be in such a hurry to force the marriage to a conclusion...hold a steady course...that of marriagebuilding.

I know many here have jumped on the "get a divorce" bandwagon, but ultimately you're the one who needs to honestly assess your readiness to do so.

What's the rush?

If you truly can't stand it any longer, certainly go to plan B to protect your sanity.

There's no doubt that next time you would be the right person.... just calmly evaluate the need to end this time, that's all.

Have a wonderful day!

P.S. Did you ever get any closure on exposure to his current CO?

Learning2Fly - if I went to his current CO - isn't it too late? We are in divorce procedings. If I went to him now, wouldn't it look like I was trying to be mean - what could be gained at this point? Too late for that. I made a mistake - it is too late for that now. Right? I went to his boss and his xco - no one cared - they all thought I was a terrible person. No one cared.

((((Sally))))

What I was asking was if you had gone to his current CO, I'd lost track of your sitch and wasn't sure.

That would have been when you were still trying to plan A.

I know you are now on the divorce path, but don't forget, that's something you are in control of, and can choose to get off of at any time...if you so desire.

Something you said concerned me...
Tell me more about what happened. What did you do/say?

I called and pleaded with the xco to talk with him - that I was concerned for my husband that he was making a mistake. He said he would talk with him. I don't know if he ever did. He said he would call me back - he didn't. We live in a society today that it is ok to cheat. I am learning now that it is so common - even the courts don't see adultry as a reason for anything. It is sad. When I went to the police to ask how to get him to leave the house - the police officer told me that my job was to take care of him as he returns from war. I tried - I called the VA to get him help. They did not help me either. They said they would call him to ask him to go back in. I never heard back from them either. No one helped me. It is time for me to move on - I told him that I can do no more and that only he can help himself. Everyone looked at me like it is my fault that my husband had to find another.

Sally, I'm so sorry.

I'll be perfectly honest...the services do NOT know how to handle infidelity. The problem is, adultery is VERY hard to prove and quickly becomes a he-said-she-said issue, and many COs (like leaders in the civilian sector) just don't understand...unless they've been there themselves.

Unless there's abuse, all a WS has to say to his chain of command is that the BS is "crazy", a "bitc#", delusional, etc., etc., and the authorities can all-too-easily move on to more "pressing" issues.

I've found that the chaplains are the best resources out there. Ombudsman can be as well, depending on how well grounded they are.

In my experience, if the BS has a good relationship w/ the ombudsman and can calmly and clearly outline the problem, there can be some traction with the command.

However (and I saw this when I was a CO), the frantic, emotional and "obnoxious" wife who would demand to see the CO because of this, that or the other, was all too easy to brush off.

If I'd known at the time that my own W was having an affair I most certainly would have handled this quite differently.

The truth is, the subject of adultery makes people uncomfortable and it's soooo much easier to avoid and ignore than it is to do the right thing.

FWIW, I am engaging with the command leadership school in my service to add this topic to the pre-command curriculum. An uphill battle.


That sure stinks, doesn't it??!!

We all know that's not the case, but it's the only "explanation" that the uninitiated can understand to explain the behavior of the otherwise respected and admired WS...

Jeeeezzzz

Sally, best of luck, and don't stop growing yourself.

L2F