Just to give a little bit of background: This year my DH and I will be married for 3yrs, together for a total of 7. We have no kids and are 29. I've been on this site reading on and off for about 15months, which is how long my EA lasted. There is no reason why it occurred, my DH and I have a good marriage, no financial issues, we both come from good families that we are close too. Ultimately, I think I was lacking attention while my DH was finishing his masters, then I became addicted to talking to the OM (single).

For me, an EA is grey (not obvious to be wrong off the bat) but having a physical affair was black & white, which is why I was able to keep it from going there - Although very tempting (I'm not saying one is worse than the other, just saying what I felt). When my EA started, I thought I was going crazy. Literally, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I created in my head all these issues between my DH & I that never existed before. I gave the same speech, I'm not happy anymore, when were we ever happy blah blah blah. I didn't want my DH touching me. We fought all the time. I actually thought about leaving him to be with OM (now I know it wasn't actually the OM, just a fairytale). I was in total fog land. I obsessed about OM - all the time. I even went to stay with my parents for a week to try to figure stuff out. I thought I could handle/fix this by myself.

Then I was caught after about 3 months. I broke my DH's heart, but I was still addicted to OM. I did not follow the advice of this site and send a NC letter (regrettably). So I just got better at hiding things (and lying). To think back at the lengths I took to deceive my husband is just so embarrassing/sad. Over the next year, I started coming out of my fog. I didn't have thoughts of leaving my DH for OM and we didn't fight as much. But I still was addicted to just talking to OM. OM and I "broke up" like 10 times. We both knew it was wrong, but we both couldn't get out of it. The withdraw we felt from each other when we wouldn't talk, led us back to talking again. I kept saying to myself I can get out of this by myself - but the bottom line is I couldn't.

Then I was caught for the 2nd time after 15 months. Pretty much right at a year of the first discovery. And that was it. I could not do it anymore. I sent a NC letter (with DH's approval) right after I was caught. I have not spoken to OM in over 3 months (I know that doesn't sound like a long time but it is based on my past with OM and how I feel today). My main focus was my DH when I was caught. Then when he told me he was willing to work out our marriage, I felt the withdraw of the NC with OM. It's hard, it's sad, but it has to be done. It gets SOOOO much easier. It's been over 3 months and I have NOO withdrawal. It was extremely rough in the beginning. But I could not contact him, and luckily he respected my letter.

My DH and I are on our way back to where we should be. I am so happy. I can't believe what effects this OM had on me and our marriage. And having NC was the remedy to fixing the situation. I wasted 15 months of our lives - and I really regret it. If you are in a EA - please dont waste another minute of your life. I know how hard it is to get out. It's like a web that you are tangled in and you feel so trapped. You really can't do this by yourself even if you think you can.

I went through this detail to make sure you understand how serious I felt at the time with the OM and where I am today. You can get the feelings back with your significant other if you just implement NC. You can't make any decisions while you are in lala land. Just accept you will have the pain. You have to get yourself out of the routine of talking. I promise promise promise it will get better. It has for me. I thank God everyday for a forgiving husband and that he has given me another chance.

I'm also working on how to guard my heart to make sure this doesn't happen again. Good readings: Every Womans Battle by Shannon Ethridge; The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Hope this helps someone.

(I did try IC and MC, neither were good for us. Just couldn't find a good counselor)

Dear Tao,
Thanks for your honesty and insight. I have printed your post and will give it to my H tonight so he can read it. We are currently in the process of his 'fog' being lifted from and EA he's had since this time last year. I am hopeful that we will come out of this better than we were before. Our marriage is 17 years in the making and way worth the fight I have waged over this past year. H struggles with lots and lots. He feels so responsible for not only hurting me, but for hurting OW. She has skillfully portrayed herself as a wounded bird and he has done everything in his power to sheild her from pain inflicted by him. But, it has taken him a long time to realize that each time he provided a soft landing for her, he was throwing me into a thorn bush. We're working....your post may help him realize he's not such a bad person, as I know he thinks he is. Thanks.

Tao,

Its my first day on the forum, and your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm just looking everywhere for some hope that things are going to get better. You sharing your experience has definitely helped. Thanks.