I'll be honest. It's not as good for men with a cheating wife as it is for women with a cheating husband.
The problem is that typically, when women have affairs, they are often exit affairs. They are often already emotionally gone, and just need to find another man to meet more needs before leaving their husband.
It's hard to gauge where she is because there is the typical fog of an affair. All of your faults come to the surface when she is in the fantasy land of her affair. She doesn't change diapers or clean toilets or balance check books with the affair partner. It's just emotional and physical fun, without many responsibilities that go hand in hand with marriage.
So of course the reality of your marriage doesn't measure up to that. Combine that with the fact that she likely cannot or will not hear you or believe you and your every fault gets magnified while she rides the wave of feel good hormones that go along with the affair.
I ended up divorced from my WW and it took about 4 years for her romance with her soul mate to wind down. She is already on to another man. Perhaps he cheated on her like he did with his former wife, or perhaps she cheated on him like she did with me. It doesn't really matter.
What matters is what you do. This is where your actions speak louder than words and are the only things that have any possible chance of working. Again, no guarantees. Dig into the Dr's books, such as Surviving and Affair and His Needs, Her Needs and eliminate any love busters you perform and do the level she will allow, seek to identify and meet her emotional needs for a period of 3-6 months.
After this time in what is called plan A, you being the best husband you can be, if she still has not ended the affair, then you send her a plan B letter, telling her that you love her, but cannot preserve that love with her affair and lover in the picture, so to preserve what remaining love you have for her, the only thing you can do is to cut all contact with her, set up a third party to communicate through, explain that if she wants the marriage that she has to end the affair and begin MB.
Don't tell her what you are going to do, just do it. Perhaps, she will notice this, and the affair will die a natural death and you will not be the monster she currently perceives you to be. At the same time, you do eliminate behaviors that are not proper in a loving marriage.
If she wants to come back, then she too needs to enter the MB process, eliminating LB's and meeting your emotional needs, offering the four protections the Dr talks about to safeguard love.
When and if she comes back, it will begin with her justifications, she wouldn't have had to do this if you hadn't or had (fill in the blank.)
Just politely listen and file that way, saying she may be right. That doesn't admit or reject anything, it's just a polite way to diffuse the situation.
And stay on target, if she wants to come back, there has to be no contact with the former love, that's a protection she must provide without strings. If she is not willing to do this, then she is really not back, and frankly should not be trusted yet.
If she doesn't come back, then eventually your love for her, not being fed by her meeting your emotional needs or totally destroyed by her selfish behaviors of an affair, make it easier to accept divorce if you or she chooses it.
I will not sugar coat it. I believe more times than not, when it's the woman that is unfaithful, the odds are NOT good for reconciliation.
However, that doesn't mean you should not try. You made a vow, and I believe you should make every effort to keep that vow, regardless of her actions. Second, none of us are perfect and need to improve how we approach marriage. What MB will do is to get you to examine how you participate in marriage. This will either make a great husband for your current wife, or a great husband for your next wife should the marriage end.
While divorce is painful, something I would not wish on my own worst enemy. I can say that after almost 5 years since my WW left, told me the same things you have written here, that I'm a far better man, now with a much better wife than I was when she left.
It's hard to see this from your side of the tunnel, but there is daylight on the other side, even if you end up divorced.
Really, it's true.
But do the work and be a Marriage Builder. Your current wife, or your future wife and you will be grateful.
So there is hope. It just may not be in reconciliation.
I just found out about a week ago that my wife was having an intimate affair with a co-worker for approximately one month. She has moved with her sister because she fears I may snap and harm her. She says the marriage was over sometime ago and the affair gave her an "escape". She said she knew if she got caught that she was willing to move on and divorce. I want to reconcile and was able to convince her to see a Counselor together this Thursday. She states that she is only going because I requested it and has no desire to attend. She stated that during the marriage she felt like I wasn't a friend and she couldn't talk to me. I also would get angry when she wanted to do activities with her friends, which caused resentment. I told her to at least go in their with an open-mind and listen to the counselor. She is adamant that she wants nothing to do with reconciliation and wants to be free. What should I do at this point besides scheduling the visit with the counselor? I can't seem to convince her that we have a communication problem that can be worked on through counseling. She says she has no desire to try anymore. I don't know what to do. We have been married almost 6 years and have no kids between the two of us. She has a teenage daughter from her earlier years and I have 7 year old from a previous relationship. I know she was stressed when her daughter moved in with us a year ago. She had some issues with school, lying, diet and hygiene which caused arguments between us coupled with our own communication issues. She has already sent her daughter back with her Grandparents. I beleive she just doesn't want responsibilties anymore and wants to live a free stressless life.
