My husband is in the military. We've been together for 5+ years, married 1.5 years. We spent our first year together but he's been away training or deployed for most of the rest of our relationship. We will have 6 months together this year. I want to make the most of our time together but I often ruin it by becoming very sad.
When he is gone I miss him a lot but I'm not a sad person. When he is home, I am often sad.
I know my husband loves me and I adore him, but I often feel neglected when he is home.
My husband says he loves me frequently and he will rub my back or hold my hand. I should be happy enough with that, but it doesn't do it. I'm not sure how to explain it.
My husband never compliments me. He's never said I am beautiful, that he's proud of me, that he appreciates me, that I'm a good cook - anything. However, when he dislikes something he's quick to mention it. It really hurts my self esteem.
A while back I decided that he was just being a guy. That remembering my birthday or thinking of saying I look good when I dress up, or even remembering to buy a Christmas present were things he just wasn't good at. I decided I was going to help him. I would tell him, "okay so I just got all dressed up to go out, tell me I look nice." Or, "Its going to be our wedding day. You need to tell me once without me immediately prompting you that I look beautiful." Or, (after a really great thing that happened at work), "tell me congratulations or good job."
I figured eventually he would figure it out, but he hasn't. Plus, he'll say something like, "Your shoes look nice." Or "oh yeah, good job." and move on.
My birthday was this week. As a reminder, we have little time together. We didn't have any holidays together last year and he will be gone before the holidays this year. I mentioned that I wanted to celebrate our birthdays since we would at least have that.
Two days before my birthday I heard him talking to someone from work about trying to get some night training in. I reminded him, "just not on Thursday", knowing he would have probably forgotten about my birthday. Of course he never said anything about avoiding Thursday and then, annoyed, asked me why not Thursday. I reminded him it was my birthday.
The next day he called to tell me that he had been scheduled for Tuesday night and couldn't change it. He offered to go out that night instead. We went out that night and had dinner. He didn't mention Happy Birthday to me once during the dinner. In fact the majority of the time we talked about him going to grad school.
On the day of my birthday, right before he left for work I reminded him to wish me a happy birthday. He said sorry and Happy Birthday and gave me a hug. He came home really late from work, like he mentioned he would. He didn't mention my birthday. He didn't have a present or flowers or even a card.
Depressed I finally went to bed early. He finally came to bed and, I think sensing something was wrong, said happy birtday and rubbed my back.
That night he seemed really concerned. He kept asking if I was okay. I didn't want to get into a fight or be the crying nag I always am so I just said it was fine.
So, I'm confused. Am I asking for too much, does he not get it, or does he not care to get it. He's helpful around the house, he tells me he loves me all the time, but well, that's it. I need more. Am I asking too much. Maybe I need to fulfill my own self esteem needs.
