That's old news. I don't think we need to delve back into it again other than to determine how he should move forward.

OK, I understand that it's difficult to separate things out, but I had requested that portion of the discussion remain on the other thread and off of this one because there are a few people in my real-life support group who read this thread and I am not interested in sharing that information with them. It is too personal for me. I know it's not my fault and I shouldn't be ashamed, but it's still embarrassing.

I asked my lawyer about annulment a while back. First, it's a gamble as to whether or not a judge will grant it. Second, there is no 50/50 split of community property under that scenario, the two parties just take what they currently possess separately. And since she has 90% of the assets, that would be very bad for me financially. It can also cause all kinds of tax complications related to previous returns.

I'm not too concerned with getting an annulment. I am Christian, but not Catholic, and not a member of a church (yet). The Bible is pretty clear that if you are married to an unbeliever and they don't want to live with you that you should let them go and you have no obligation to them.

I wasn't thinking of a religious annulment but a legal one.

You site good reasons not to get one.

Press on and be strong. She's seeing the light of what she gave up to "go find herself".

Be the man you have found while she's been gone.

BHHFSGuy,

I liked CC's suggestion. I think you need to forgive her and let her know that you have. I think you need to speak with her. I think you also need to move on.

I think, but perhaps I am wrong, that CC was making his suggestion for YOU, not your W. It seems to me that you are a kind hearted soul and clearly a very very patient man, far more patient that I could ever be. It seems to me CC's suggestion to forgive her, is consistent with who YOU are, it enhances you, and it is a great start towards the rest of your life, including divorce if that is what you choose.

Whether or not the letter is about her, the issues are about you ending this situation gracefully and successfully. She is learning about herself...good. She is still focused on herself, well OK! . She may grow up, good. You should rejoice in these things because she once meant something to you. You should let her know that you do. You should also let her know if you have decided to move on, and if you have...do it.

Give her what she was unable to give you and I think you will be happy with this action for the rest of your life.

I think how you play the end game will come back to you in interesting ways, and positive ways if you play it with kindness and focus toward where YOU want to go.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

That link you posted doesn't work...where is the "other thread"?

IMO if you haven't consumated the marriage.....well I just don't know what to say. Why are you sticking around? Why would you think she wasn't getting it elsewhere? Why do you want to be married?

SF is a huge part of marriage. Especially at the beginning. I'm not even sure why she would want to come back if she knows it will never happen...

Also I have to ask...if you haven't had SF with WW, did the OM? If so, why the hell do you want her back?!!

Thambi, the links don't work because the board was just upgraded. If you click on BHHFSGuy's name, you'll be able to pull up a list of all his posts, and you can read them.

He discusses the issue you are referring to, but he would prefer it not be brought up on this particular thread, because he has "real-world" friends reading this thread and would rather not get into all of this.

You'll find the answers to your questions in his old posts. It's not as simple as it sounds.

I pulled up his profile but there are so many posts I can't find the thread. Can you PM me or something?

Great, the old links don't work, another "upgrade." What was the point of keeping all the old posts if no one can find them anymore? It took ME a while to find the relevant thread:

Do FWS try and meet BS EN if they aren't shared?

Oh Boy, I just read the other thread.

it's clear to me that you have much deeper problems than this affair. I'm not sure what advice I can really give you. I'm wondering if you are perhaps too scared to move on from this woman because of the trauma you have suffered?

The Harleys always say that in order for a marriage to be good, the couple must have some good times to look back on. Given your situation, i'm not sure that's the case here. You need to spend a lot of time in IC IMO. So does your wife. Until you two resolve your sexual issues, this is just not going to work. Sorry for the 2x4.

Thambi,

Remember that what you just read was an old thread. I think BHHFSGuy is saying he is ready to move on with his life now. He hasn't said anything in the past few days that indicates he has any intention of staying in the marriage.

Good for him! Check our my reply in the other thread for my take on the situation. And while I was partly kidding, I mostly wasn't.

Getting over this woman will be much easier than you thought, trust me. Without having bonded over the most intimate of acts, your connection will be more easily forgotten than you think...

I am so sorry. I didn't know you didn't wish to discuss it on this thread. I would never intentionally try to hurt someone.
I'll delete my earlier post.

Thanks, I appreciate your sensitivity. Unfortunately, there are some others whose posts are sticking around and I don't think the upgraded board allows them to be deleted this long after posting. I've asked my 'real world' friends and family members to not come here anymore, especially since I am free to give them any updates nowadays. That was more difficult while I was still living with WW and didn't have much free time to communicate with them privately.

I don't want the divorce to be ugly. But I can only control myself, not her. And because she stands to lose quite a bit, I don't know how she'll respond to that. I honestly don't know what you mean by showing her compassion during the divorce process. I was planning on observing the rule of 'If you don't have anything nice to say, it's better to keep your mouth shut.'

One thing that I know WW wants is for us to remain 'friends,' regardless of whether or not we're married. Us remaining 'friends' after we're divorced is something that's not going to happen. And I don't want to give her any reason to believe that's going to happen. I think speaking with her and saying 'I forgive you' would give her some idea that 'hey, he's not mad at me anymore, I can get what I want, which is for us to still be friends.' And it would maybe even give her hope that I was interested in recovering the marriage, which I don't want to do. I don't think she truly understands the concept of forgiveness. She never forgave me for anything and would bring up past mistakes I'd made dating back to high school.

Anyway, I told her I forgave her a long time ago, the week after D-Day, I think. It probably wasn't a good idea back then and I was just trying to move too fast. Do BS's truly forgive their WS after 10 months?

When I wrote that, I was referring specifically to the guilt she claimed she feels in her letter to you. What I mean is, IF she is feeling guilty about the way she treated you, just be compassionate toward her feelings during the divorce.

I completely understand you don't want to be married to her, and that you don't want to be friends with her afterward. And if she wants to dig in her heels and make the divorce ugly, well that's up to her. But if she is genuinely regretting her actions, and genuinely feels guilty... I guess I'm just saying, don't pile on.

If you can forgive her, you can move forward unencumbered by her betrayal. If she is truly remorseful and feeling the full weight of the guilt for her actions... forgiveness on your part can perhaps lighten the load she will carry. She's going to lose you as a husband. She's going to lose you as a friend. She's hopefully going to realize it's her own doing, because she needs that self-awareness.

She'll have a heavy burden to carry. If she honestly seeks forgiveness, it would be very compassionate of you to give it to her.

That's all I meant...

BHHFSGuy,

Again I agree with CC. My comment about forgiveness was about YOU, not her. I am not suggesting any more than CC was that you remain friends with her. Given what you have said she is not "friends material".

But, speaking with her, lightening her load, and doing the right and graceful thing is good for YOU. It will be something you are proud of and you will not feel the need to be her "friend" or anything else, the loop will have been closed.

THose are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

I think it's amazing how WSes get the delusion that friendship is a realistic option after what they've done and how they have ripped families apart.

You're lucky you don't have children to get caught in this mess.

You're doing great, BG. I've followed your sitch for a while and think your words lately are great. It's good to see you move forward.

Keep your chin up.

Time has really flown by. I realized at the end of last month that it had been six months since WW moved out. And anyone that is in or has gone through the hell of being a BS knows that six months sounds like an eternity. It was sometime in February that I truly lost all desire for WW. I was no longer angry, but instead felt sorry for her. And I realized I was actually much happier not having to deal with her at all. But I wanted to make sure those feelings were not short-term, as we know this experience is an emotional rollercoaster, and the way we feel one day is totally different from the next.

My extracurricular hobby is local theatre and I was involved with a production beginning in March. That kept me completely busy up until last weekend. And during that time, my feelings never changed back. They only strengthened. And it had less to do with how I was treated in the last year than how I was treated in all the years prior. Things I overlooked at the time but now can no longer do.

I simply have no interest in her anymore. I do believe that the Marriage Builders process would work if both of us committed to following it. But I don't have the strength nor the desire to do that and I don't believe she does either.

I contacted my A Monday and told her to proceed with delivering the petition of dissolution. The difference is that she will not be served at work unsuspectingly. I'm not interested in shocking or embarrassing her. The process server will instead call her and arrange an appointment to meet and receive the paperwork. I plan on e-mailing her tonight to let her know to expect this call. I'm not entirely certain what to write to her because I suspect she will try to engage me. I don't want to give her hope that I will be any part of her life from here on out, but I also don't want to 'pile on,' so to speak, and give her my reasons because I think that would just be very hurtful to her.

This Thursday will be the 1-year anniversary of the PA, and that is pretty incredible to me.

I'm so sorry. But glad you can move on. Maybe you should just let the A handle everything. No need to spare feelings now.

BHHFSGuy,

You know in my book you have done this just about perfectly. I really mean this. You gave your marriage a good chance, you have given your W a good chance, and you gave yourself a good chance to make a decision that you are very comfortable with. I doubt you will ever regret doing it as you have.

I am sure you may regret that things did not work out better, but you know this was/is not your fault. You did your dead level best. You really are a MB success story.

All Harley ever really wants if for people to give their marriage a good chance to succeed when trouble hits. You did that and you did it with class.

You know the old saying It seems you have reached that state and it is a good one to go into a divorce with.

I do hope you come back and up date us on your life. I have a suspicion that it will be an interesting and exciting one, after this chapter is closed.

God Bless,

JL