I am very happy that the A is over. I know the circumstances of how this crept into our lives. Amazingly and tauntingly there were about 12 different circumstances that came together to open the door for this painful experience. If just one had not happened, this A would not have happened.

However, I also know that without the A we would not likely have been shocked into making the needed changes to save the marriage. We have made those changes and are growing closer. I am working overtime to solidify the gains made and make a daily commitment to never slip back to where things were.

During the A there were 10 weeks that I knew it was going on and worked very hard to get the A to end. I could not allow any graphic images in my mind of their physical relationship. Now that the A is over, the cocoon I formed to protect my mind is fading. I think about it some and it bothers me more now in some respects.

I guess the biggest thing is that I know the secrecy and newness of an affair provides a level of...I'll use the word stimulation...that I know will be difficult to beat. Her response to me is coming back and growing due mainly to heroic efforts on my part. I guess a man just wants his woman to tell him something like "That was the best I ever had". It is difficult to reconcile that I may never hear that. We were virgins when we married so I always was only competing with myself. Now I have this.

I am not sure there is an answer to my dilemma, but I am hoping that writing about it helps.

Please get help from professional before your M back to square one. At least please read Overcoming Resentment.

Use your energy to practice MB, those images and thoughts will be a distance past before you know it.

Hang in there,

redhat

Thanks redhat. I will clarify that my forgiveness is complete and actual feelings of resentment small. I think hurt is different from resentment. These thoughts hurt, but do not produce anger. I want our relationship to achieve a height greater than before. As a pride issue, I want to re-establish my position in her mind as "best".

The guy ended up being a complete fraud and creep. Therefore, there is next to zero chance of a revived relationship with him. I have that peace. However, I hurt thinking that she likely thinks that he was a creep, but wow the sex was incredible.

Well why do you think she views it that way? Probably because you allowed her to conduct the affair.

This is why exposure is so key. OP didn't expose, and now his wife still disrespects him by talking about how great sex w/OM was. BHs need to grow a pair and not let their WWs cake-eat like this poster did, or else they will pay for it later.

Let's talk about sex

Sex was wow w/ OM b/c W anticipated it. There was excitement and anticipation.

Flowers or box of chocolate or dining or something to set her mood way before the action.

As man we have to lean how to pleasure our W. Do you know how to warm your W up ? ... forplay that she like ? do you know which certain parts of her body that are sensitive to arousal ?. Sex position that she likes the best ?. Learn how she could achive her orgasm. Also do you know how to control your arousal ?. Woman could come multiple times but man need time after each ejaculations. Woman's climax could last in minutes while us only a few seconds. Controling when we ejaculate is very important.

Anxiety to perform never go well with sex. You have a long time to figure this out while OM is a ghost competition. Would you consider sex tx ?. Of course not the one that believe in surrogate partner.

No need to answer it

redhat

She does not talk about how great the sex was. It is an assumption on my part. She did confirm once that the sneaking part added to the thrill and that after discovery it changed things. Actually she stated that the sex was not really great with the OM. I will never know if that is a truthful statement or just a way to make me feel better.

Sex between us is great. I just want confirmation of 'best' at some point. She would never verbalize a direct comparison, but if she ever says that was the best sex ever I will have achieved my goal and will be back to competing with myself.

Sadbut,

The A may be over, but you cannot expect to go back pre A with the same feelings toward her.

This betrayal is a life altering, mind-set changing occurrence. You are getting over your "fight or flight" survival mode and you were successful in stopping her A...which from your time line, seems to just have happened last month? or a couple weeks ago?

Dude, you are just now coming back into everyday reality. The enormity of this is now descending upon you. I get the feeling that you think everything will be fine now. I'm afraid this is not the case.

NOW is when you two should get some pro marriage MC help to deal with what is bothering you. And if you are the average BH it will be bothering much more in the future.

I am almost 4 years out from my dday and it still bothers the he%% out of me. So get ready for the long haul.

Did you ever try anti-depressants?

Welcome to the BS he%%.

kirk

Sad,

Krusht is correct here. You have only just begun what will be the most challenging thing you will ever go thru. You will never, ever forget or be comfortable with the fact that your FWW was intimate with another person.

You can not change that fact and neither can she. Accepting it as such will take time and loads of effort on BOTH your parts. This affair will define your marriage forever. The old marriage is over now and you are starting over. Building a more secure, happier, more fulfilling marriage will help you get past this, but again, it takes a long, long time.

Chances are, that the SF with OM wasn't really special or good. As my FWH told OW in his NC letter, "sex without love was ultimately meaningless and unfullfilling."

While this will always hurt on some level, believe me that time and a better marriage will make it matter less and less to you.

Who

Recovery is hard. If she is open to MC please do it. Reframe it as to make this M better.

redhat

It will be 7 weeks this Sat. since the breakup. We both have expressed a willingness for counseling. As I have delayed setting it up - mostly because I am not sure who to go to. At this point we both prefer secular counseling for reasons too long to get into.

I am not at all depressed. Nor do I think of this often. Just sometimes. Today I am thinking of it and posted hoping it would help, or that I would get a helpful response.

I totally understand how you feel. While I was fighting the fight to get him home I was insulated from many things and very focused on being a better me and being a great wife. We are just at three months of recovery and 6 months since D Day and I am struggling. I can not stress enough how beneficial our MC has been and more so than that how much my FWH has been in finally being on board with recovery. However now I am finding myself dealing with anger, resentment, self pity etc....NOT GOOD! I have to really focus every day on trying to take this horrible thing and turning into our greatest gift. The affair will change our marriage forever but I don't want it to define who I am or who we are. Sometimes I feel like I am just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop...I hate it when my glass is half empty instead of half full.

Finding a pro MC is a huge asset..the trick if you are not using the Harleys is to find one.

Sad,

Phone counseling with the Harleys is excellent. You need to remember that you will go thru several stages before you actually recover. This is just the beginning for you. For me, and many others here, the toughest point was at 15 to 18 months post d-day.

Who

What made that period of time the toughest? I can see a dip at the one year mark due to D-Day anniversary but after that what caused your toughest point?

Sad,
thank you for asking that question as I am interested in the answer as well.

Glad somebody understands. I was SO focused before on ending the affair. Now that it is over and I am not consumed with that I do have some time to dwell on these things. As my name implies, I am very strong. I am shocked at how well I have handled this. Not perfectly, but well. I am not only strong, but I love my wife very much. Some may balk at this, but we have always had a strong relationship. Even during this I was her best friend, counselor and support. She looked to me for this.

As I said, I know exactly why this happened. She had a choice, but over many years both she and I fed the conditions that placed her in a position where she was vulnerable to this seducing predator. When she chose to talk with him more than once, for a benign motive, it was all he needed. Once she became comfortable with talking and meeting with him, all the triggers setup for years went off. It would be no different with me if I were to consistently meet and talk with some gorgeous woman who made it obvious that she wanted to get passionate with me. In spite of any initial resistance, if I kept meeting her I would fall. In her case she was not aware of the trap until she was hooked.

She did not guard herself, she was seduced, she chose, she fell. She feels stupid, used, and is extremely remorseful. She is very grateful to me for my efforts in exposing this sorry-a$$ fraud. You are so right when you refer to this as a gift. I wish it was not necessary, but as close as we were, our passion level was way down and we were living in an automated fashion. This 'gift' has awakened us both.

I have gotten much scorn here when I attempt to allude to my case being unique. Ah well, I am used to it. I just know from the inside that my wife and I are very close. We will get through this. In the meantime, I do have my moments where it bothers me and I do want very much to achieve heights in our relationship we never had before. I will then be able to take a horrible situation and get something good out of it.

Sad,

I'm not sure why it was tough, but can only assume that it was because I was very disappointed in how much I still hurt and how long it was taking for me to feel even somewhat normal.

I had so many advantages in that my FWH never thought he loved the OW, he regreted the affair nearly as soon as it started, and the affair died on it's own without me having to do anything. There was no withdrawal and no contact ever.

I had to get to the point where I accepted that there was not anything either my FWH or I could do to change the past and that his betrayal could never be erased or forgotten.

Perhaps someone else here will have a better explanation for you.

Who

Sadbut,

""I attempt to allude to my case being unique.""

The only uniqueness I see is that you seem to "hover" above it and rationalize the A on your intellectual level. Which is good if it gets you through the night.

As far as her A goes, and the M being on automatic, and the attention from the pond scum that led to the downfall...not unique at all.

But keep thinking your's is unique, because to you it is.

No scorn meant here.

KRISCAST: Your part about so tired of seeing the glass half empty rather than half full is very right on and well put.

kirk

I think everyone's situation is unique to them but what is astounding is how many simmilarities affairs have when you get to the nuts and bolts of them. I did not post a lot and lurked and read mostly because I felt inadequate in what my situation was. So many people with children, pregnant, years and years of marriage, and here I was not married very long and with no kids. Some say cut and run in that situation but FOR ME I decided I valued my vows just as I would if I was married for 25 years with kids or what ever the case may be. Maybe that makes me "unique"....no matter what your situation is the pain and sorrow we all feel is authentic, we all grasp at straws, get angry, get happy, have hope and faith and because we are here we choose to stay on this crazy ride.

Life is a choice and our waywards made the choice to stray, we made the choice to fight, if we are blessed we will both make the choice to stay and all that comes with it. For me my gift has been finding me again, never in a million years did I think I had the strength inside to endure this. Since all this has happened it truly gets me through the day to try to find the positive it every negative and it sure is hard sometimes. For me if I don't do that I fear I would let resentment consume me and dictate my life. Plan A was to be the woman he would want to date....I still am trying to Plan A every day.

I think everything you feel is very normal

Kirk,

Every snowflake is white, cold, made of water. One could then say there is nothing unique about each one.

I do not rationalize so I can sleep at night or to address any emotions. My point is that the uniqueness of my situation to me means I handle the situation a bit differently than others. For instance, I decided not to expose the affair. I took much grief here in explaining why I made that choice. Perhaps in 99.999% of affairs, exposure is best. In this case, I am glad I did not.

I also think that there are unique elements to this that allow me to not be resentful or angry. I might be resentful if:

- There were multiple affairs
- If she had purposefully set out to do this
- If I had perfectly discharged my part of the marriage
- If I did not understand how many things fell into place for this to happen
- If I did not know this creep was a serial accomplished seducer

Too many more elements certain to be taken for rationalization. Funny, I don't sit around obsessing over these points. They come as naturally to me as breathing. I think some mistake my points as minimizing her wrong behavior or as a crutch to help me. Neither is the case. Perhaps my thoughts are too different from others.

Kriscast,

While I am appreciative of everybody's comments, I am especially grateful for your input. It is most in line with what I was looking for - a sympathetic ear. My feelings I posted about require no more action on my part than I am already doing. Time is on my side and always has been.

BTW, my wife and I have been married 23 years and known each other for 25. I have invested a quarter century into this wonderful woman who now has a single blemish on her record in my accounting. I have no desire for another or to be without her. She has come to learn in this process that my love and passion have always been there masked by my silence and a busy chaotic life. If I feel this pain every day, the rest of her is worth it. That I can feel that way is proof of the uniqueness of my situation.

Thanks.