I'm really trying to be strong. I start each morning with prayer asking for God's guidance, pouring out my burden's to him. I've spent so many nights crying. I've read so many books the last couple months - Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O, Alone in Marriage by Susie Larson, When Love Must be Tough by Dr. Dobson and a few more). They've blessed me in many ways, by giving me strength & hope & allowing me to focus on the more positive things. But I'm still struggling and my heart aches sooo deeply. I just hope my unborn child doesn't sense my sadness, and sometimes resentment and sometimes towards DH.

My story: DH and I got married Sept, 2007. Before we got married, he had been on and off with his ex-girlfriend for almost 8 years. They never had a good relationship. When we started dating, he vowed it had ended. We dated long distance for some time (~ 2 years) then when we got serious I moved from the East coast to the West coast, leaving my family, friends, a great job, my house everything to a place where I didn't really know anyone. Being traditional, we never lived together until we got married back in Sept, almost 2 years after my move). During our courtship he confessed a couple times that he was still seeing the OW. Each time he brought the confession to me out of guilt confessing to do better, vowing to me that it had ended. I found out 6 weeks before the wedding that he was still seeing her. I was devastated, because he had promised me 7 months prior to that things had ended. Invitations had gone out to over 500 of our guests, and it was a destination wedding were so many friends and family had invested in their trip. I thought of calling of the wedding...so many expenses already. I called his family and friends and told me of my intentions, they pleaded with me, he pleaded with me, we went to counseling. Wedding plans continued. About 3 weeks before the wedding he told me he didn't want to go through with it, he wasn't ready. I figured it was pre-wedding jitter's and normal cold feet. I just prayed about it, his family told me that the devil was just trying to get in the way, that I shouldn't listen to him..that because of a bad childhood (both parents separated) he needed to be reassured. He came around, we got married. It was beautiful wedding, and we were so happy. He promised to never do anything to hurt me.

Two weeks after the wedding he started going out every night. Said he felt trapped, that I forced him into getting married. He told me he was confused, wasn't sure if he loved me or OW, wasn't sure he made the right decision. He didn't even tell her we got married. I called her, told her and sent her our wedding pictures asking her to politely stay out of our marriage. When he found out, he was furious. He as so angry claiming I was evil, that I have destroyed her with that news, after all she has been through with him. He took her side, calling her constantly, asking for her forgiveness. We didn’t talk for a week and I thought this is definitely the end of the road for us. More prayer, more tears, so much regret. I wish we had called off the wedding instead, or he had stood me up at the altar..might have dealt with the pain earlier and moved on. Usual routine, he pleaded, asked for forgiveness, we prayed about it. I forgave him, again. I tried to implement Plan A, because my inner voice told me it wasn't over between them. Plan A brought about some peace between us, it was almost like we were back to a normal marriage, but he was still going out ~3 nights a week a big (improvement over 5-7 nights). He claimed he was still adjusting to being married and he was just hanging out with the guys. We even changed our home phone because OW used to call all the time. Then I found out he was still talking to her. He as eating his cake and having it too…. He always dotted on attention. I wanted to move to Plan B, but I got pregnant. We also live in a very expensive city, so with no family and very little friends I could depend on, I felt like I didn't have much choice. So instead, I just moved out of our room to the guest room. I didn't want to be selfish, because now we had another life to worry about. I told him he has to make a choice. And when he commits to this marriage, I'll move back into our room, for now we would remain as roomates. However, I still continued to cook our meals, clean the house and do our laundry etc. I stopped asking him questions, didn't mention OW and I stopped nagging him about his late nights. I vowed not to be involved with him sexually, until he made his choice, but I slipped a couple times, he can be very charming, when he wants to be.

Fast forward to today. OW called me on my cell to ask my why I wasn't giving DH a divorce. I was even more stunned to learn he was there. She was on speaker phone asking him make a claim to the fact that he had asked me for a divorce, he didn't say a thing. OW started to say all kinds of things that DH had told her, that I refused to grant him a divorce etc etc. We never even talked about that. Just on Easter Sunday, we had gone to church together and gone to visit some of his friends, and he kept telling me how he wants to make things better for the baby and me. I hung up. Then he called me back. They had me on speakerphone again……….he's first remark to me was "You've always know about OW, you've always known how I felt"…….I just hung up. I don't even know what to do. I know I'm not perfect…but I keep asking, why me?

Please pray for our marriage, and the next 4 months of my pregnancy.

Welcome to MB. I really hate to say this but you need to get out of this marriage and fast. It is very sad indeed that you are bringing a new life into this mess but I don't see him ever giving up his ex g/f.

I am sad to say fully in agreement with FF. Your H has all through all your courtship, marriage from day one, been betraying you and has no problem making it YOUR fault. What he wants is to have both .... a marriage and a girlfriend ... and since when does a spouse have to have permission to file for divorce?? you see again he is a liar. He's lying to you, he's lying to the OW

This is and will be very very hard for you but I have to say you will be better off without him especially as you have a new life to care for. I suspect your H will never commit to either of you.

You are completely blameless in this and dont ever accept you did or said ANYTHING to make him cheat. He chose this from day one. Your H is attempting to blame you bt saying he was 'forced' into the marriage. I mean did you hold a gun to him? I don't think so.

While we would like to save ALL marriages even Dr Harley says not all marriages should be saved. Please remember we are not professional adviors etc... we give advice based on what we have experinced or seen ocurr with friends and other here on the forum... which is why FF and I say it may be a better option for you to leave and start over. However ... If you can afford it I would recommend you phone the counselling service on this site and give one of the Harleys all the facts, perhaps more info than you can really post here and seek his advice on what can be done to save this M...the Dr may recommend you don't but he wont make that decision for you.. he'll try to help you do what you want to.

I am so sorry to hear you have been left in this situation

Sadly I do not believe your H was ever committed to you or the M and you may be far better off moving back to family and friends where you can obtain support. Once your baby is born he could restrict your movements with access etc.

Also no matter what you decide ... if you want to fight for you M or not and want support we'll give it to you as much as we can. even if only for you to vent and seek opinions etc. I wish I could see that he would change for you however he appears to not have even during courtship.

hoping for the best for you

Listen to the people here. You need to get out of this. There is someone else you need to worry about now. If you could somehow move back to the east coast to be with your family and old friends, I think that would be best for you. A place where you can find support.

This is not your fault at all. You can't force anyone to get married. Get yourself to a safe place where people care about you.

Thank you all for your advice. It just that sometimes I feel sorry for him because he came from a broken family, he has no good role models and hasn't seen an example of what a good marriage should look like. He had so many issues growing up. I know I shouldn't be making excuses for him. I've been so blessed in many ways (great loving family, great job etc. My life up until now has been so problem free and I haven't had any major life challenges until this marriage . So I wonder what God is trying to tell me. When I married him, I was convicted that God put me in his life to have an impact and to draw him closer. To help heal his hurt and transform him.

I also realize that I haven't been as strong as I should have. That I haven't layed down where the boundaries are and should be. And that i've always forgiven him so easilly without him having any repercussions. He has some good sides to him, that sometimes its so hard to believe he does some of the things he does. This is someone whose dad abandoned him at an early age, and a mother who died in his late teens. He raised his 3 younger brothers on his own, putting them through high school and college, giving up his independence and sacrificing so much. He was there when his mum went though hell because of what his dad did. And he always swore that he wouldn't do that to his wife. It's like he has a double personality.

I also can't move back to the East coast at this time. I have a good Job with great health insurance. I need the insurance, and even more the maternity leave with pay that i'm going to need to support this baby. I'm almost 6 1/2 months pregnant, and finding a new job will be tough.

I'm going to start with some counseling for myself first and go from there. I'm going to need some support with whatever decision I make.

Please keep in me your prayers.

My H and I both came from broken homes. That does not excuse that we both cheated on each other. It does not preclude someone from knowing right and wrong. It really angers me when society excuse horrid behavior due to someone's upbringing.

As for God putting you in his life. Yes, that is possible but God does not expect us to sacrifice our lives for an unrepentent sinner. He wants more than anything for YOU to live a Godly life and to raise the child you are carrying in his image. Please take care of yourself and your child first.

I disagree that you are "blameless." You chose this sham of a marriage for yourself, and you chose to create a child who will come into the world without two mature, loving parents to make a home for it.

In your post you say "Why me?" You say you pray for guidance. if you believe this, you are deluding yourself. You described many instances in which his inability to commit to you smacked you dead in the face, and you came back for more. He cheated while you were dating, but you got engaged. He cheated six weeks before the wedding, but you wanted to be married more than you wanted to tell some people the destination wedding was a no go. Three weeks before the wedding he told you it was wrong, and he couldn't do, and you brow beat him into it. Two weeks after the wedding, he's cheating and do you kick him to the curb? No, you shove your wedding pictures in the other woman's face and say "Back off, he's mine!"

And not satisfied with simply being married to someone you know to be dishonest and unfaithful, you decide to make him a father, too. Now he can be a bad husband and a bad father.

Stop crying. Stop asking for the guidance you have already disdained.

Stand up and take responsibility for yourself and your bad decisions. Look into yourself and figure out what led you to ignore all the disaster signals. Don't blame him for being exactly who he has always been. If this is not the life you want, look back at the steps that brought you here and learn from this what not to do in the future.

Charynne, your words were well deserved. And I know i'm not blameless......we are all responsible for the decisions we make, bad or good. No one is perfect.

I just wanted to point out that it was more than me wanting to be married. I loved him (still do), and I believed he could and would change. Love can be a strange thing, and that's why I believed I ignored all the disaster signals. I agree I have some more soul searching to do.

I also believe even the worst people can change. I've seen people transform their lives 360 degree's. The bible says a man can fall seven times and still get back up again, start afresh. Off course I can't change him, he has to want to make the decision to change. I see his case as one of bondage. The sin's of his father, wanting to do right, but still doing wrong. I know because i've seen him struggle with his confusion. To me, his case is no different than an alchoholic or drug abuser. He needs professional help, not just light pre-marriage counseling like we had before, but one-on-one counseling so he can understand the root of his behaviour, and make active plan's to correct it. I personally think he doesn't. The biggest part of the blame that falls on me, is that I didn't take a clear stance or set some very clear boundaries. We resorted to lets pray together and do this on our own.

This is clearly not the life I want. I had the opportunity to see a counselor today, where I was able to give more details than the limits of this board. To give any more details will entail pages and pages no one will read. Tonite I'll present him with two options
a) Chose OW and we will start the proceedings to file for a divorce.
b) If he chooses me. He will seek counseling, and I will be actively involved with every step. He will, in front of me (or via phone in which I will be listening), end things with OW. And he will maintain NC. I will be actively tracking that. He slips and we go back to option a).

I will also continue counseling on my own, because I know I need a strong support system and accountability.

I would put hubby on the back burner. Affairs always end, but they have been on and off for years, so that does not sound good. Make a good life for you and your baby, and hope that HE makes the changes he needs to make.

While you are doing your reading, I suggest you get "Co-Dependent No More". Sound like there is some of that going on.

How do you think he will be as a father?

Thanks believer.

I have no doubt in my mind he will make a good father. He raised his 3 younger brothers on his own. His mum died when he was in his teens, and his father left very early on. Kids are always drawn to him. In terms of the pregnancy, he's been very supportive and has me accompanied to almost every appointment.

We talked last night. Its going to take a miracle to see him change. He recognizes he needs help, but isn't keen on counseling. In the mean time, I will continue with counseling for myself and focus on me and the baby. Our living situation has become that of roomates.

Guys like this do not get better as they age. They get worse. I'm usually all about MB but in your case, it looks pretty bleak. I'm really sad for you that now there's a baby in the mix. Is your marriage an example of a healthy marriage that you would want your child to follow?

Even after everything that's happened: "he recognizes he needs help" but "isn't keen on counseling"?!?! Do you really think things will get better?

You CAN NOT fix him. You can't control him. He is what he is. I suspect that the further along you get in your pregnancy, the worse his behavior will become.

Your instincts were right on to begin with. There should have never been a wedding. If you stay, short of a huge miracle, I believe you're in for a world of hurt.

I agree with others who suggested you move home to your family. I realize there is the insurance issue, but he's responsible for that as well. You need your family and friends, especially when your baby comes. You will need them more than ever. You had your talk, he picked option A. Pack your things and go home. Having the baby at home will also ensure that you have full custody and avoid a whole host of other problems down the road.