Hi,

I was just wondering if plan B was appropriate (& worthwhile) in my situation - no voting but info, experience & opinions are invited.

The background to all this is W had an affair - I found out about it on Jan 3rd 07 & it persisted for about a month afterwards. I stated my boundaries in no uncertain terms on Feb 4th (the day after I found this place) & WW ended the affair the next day. Contact via SMS continued for about a month afterward - I don't know what WW did to end it but it stopped. OM has tried on several occasions to get in touch with WW; some of these she's told me about, some she hasn't. There was no exposure.

I began plan A & the M improved - many of my EN's are now met (some better than others) but there is one, my #1, that has been left withering on the vine - honesty & openness. That aside the M is in better shape than it has ever been.

However I'm not satisfied with what I have, not by a country mile. What I have is a W who still insists on secrecy, who blames me for her A, who feels sorry for the OM & is not prepared to invest anything in the marriage; she wants to go with the flow & see where we end up - no effort required.

This is an M that does not meet my standards; every attempt that I make to state my standards ends up in WW not being very receptive & walking away. She doesn't want to move her position - she's very stubborn.

OM is out of the picture, there are no other OMs either; I know this because she is watched very closely indeed (which is how I know she's not H&O).

The accepted wisdom of plan B is that it's to preserve the love the BS has for the WS & to bring home to the WS what they may be potentially losing.

Is it appropriate in this case ?? Are there other (maybe better) alternatives ??

One more thing which may influence this: I promised that I would give WW 1 months notice of leaving - so she could sort out finances, childcare, etc. This may change how plan B can be implemented.

Your input is appreciated.

pm

Have the two of you gotten any counseling? I would make one call to the Harleys and see if your wife will talk to them. They can do very quickly what other counselors take months to do.

And it would be completely fair to let your wife know that you are considering leaving because you wanted a better marriage than you had before, and the status quo is not working for you.

Fast reply, planA needs to continue. Rebuild love for each other.PlanB is when the WS will not end the affair. The affair is over, hence no planB. It takes WS 6 months to come out of the fog. 2 years for recovery.

Thanks for the replies.

We had counselling about 3-4 weeks after the A ended; 6 sessions with a local Relate counsellor. I wouldn't rate it very highly - it didn't really do much for me (or us) but it could have been the wrong time for us. At the end of the last session the counsellor asked us if we'd got from the sessions what we'd hoped: WW said that she only came along so I wouldn't throw her out - it was a bit of a jaw dropping moment for me as I had no intention of throwing her out & I'd been clear on this (Relate was also WW idea !?). I now know that she was (& still is) fighting a propoganda war.

WW doesn't do MB unfortunately.

She sort of knows that I'm considering leaving - we had this loose arrangement where we review the M every 6 months or so. She decided to drop this & "see where we end up", she assumed I had also & was quite surprised when I told her that I haven't. I shall be explicit & clear in this with her later this evening.

The M is far better than it was before - it just doesn't meet my (new & improved) standards.

@TheRoad: this is my take on planA/B also. I was thinking if this mechanism can be applied to my sit: WW is cake-eating of a sorts - all the trappings of an M without having to put any effort in. Plan B might do something for my M.

Cheers.

p

affair is over. punishing a ws can push her to leave.

"It takes WS 6 months to come out of the fog. 2 years for recovery"

Time, for the both of you to heal. Time, I'm out sorry I can explain in more detail. Time to plan A.

Then my WW has been fog free for 8-9 months or so now... & she is still refusing to invest in the M. The 2 years is when both partners _work_ at the M & R, my WW is doing nothing so 2 years down the line (next Feb) I can't foresee it being any different to now.

I am beginning to think that she doesn't want this M at all, but something is stopping her calling it - I believe that the outing of her A (never exposed) _AND_ the fact that she ended the M (if she does that) would be more shame than she could publicly handle (she's big on her percieved public image/reputation). Many things (all small) lead me to this theory - the most significant for me is that, since the A (& before), she has never mentioned me in a positive light to anyone.

A good example is a couple of Fridays ago she had a job interview: I took the day off work to help her recover her presentation after her PC ate it in the morning. I spent the next few hours helping refine it, performing mock interviews, etc. I drove her there (so she didn't have to stress about getting a parking space because she had seconds to spare), waited & took her for late lunch afterwards because she didn't have the time to eat before. That evening scores of phone calls came in asking how it went & WW told each one about how frantic the day was until the interview, going into great depth about this & that... without ever referring to me. There are dozens of examples of this. WW is fighting a propaganda war IMO.

I'm not interested in punishing my WW, only in recovering my M. I will not plan A for ever, so plan B/D are the only options I have - unless someone knows of any other plans ??

Cheers.

P