I just wanted to share with those who gave advice on my marriage what has happened. You lurkers can read too though if you like! It's a bit rambling...
I did some un-MB things recently, with some interesting results.
To recollect, I've been unhappy for about five years because of my W's DJs and AOs, and her sexual unresponsiveness.
She avoids sex, doesn't like me touching her intimately, hasn't had an orgasm for 5 years, isn't interested in pleasing me or being pleased by me, and has said I'm less sexually attractive to her and less intelligent than her last lover.
She makes on average one marriage-ending AO every three months (F off, F you, etc), hit me once, and 'shoots from the hip' with derision and DJs if she doesn't immediately get what I'm saying. Or pretends not to hear.
There's plenty good about her too, and I've really wanted this R to work.
I tried MB methods, but I can't say it made any lasting difference. So come the latest AO, about two months ago, I gave up on this marriage.
I stopped cuddling W in bed - stayed right on my side. Emotionally disengaged. Stopped caring about what she thought. Reminded myself about the complaints list above to keep myself from falling in love with her again. Talked to her less. Started fewer conversations. Didn't suggest outings. Didn't try to start any R talk.
I'd keep the peace though. If she started a conversation, wanted to go out, I'd go along with it. Was civil. Returned her embraces.
If I'd been TRYING to end this R, using MB methods (neglect etc.) I couldn't have done better!
Here's the funny thing though. I don't think my W has been happier in our R for years! Less of me seems to work for her. No AOs for a couple of months. The odd DJ, but really not many, compared to before.
And she initiates sex - about twice a week. I've told her I don't feel like it and turned her down a couple of times. I actually DON'T feel like it any more. I don't know if this is her 'taking out the trash' to keep our R going, or if she really wants sex. Probably both - who knows? No R talk so I'll never know! But I do know that she hasn't suddenly got the hots for me.
So this got me thinking about MB methods. Harley says other marriage cousellors get their clients to try to ask for LESS from the M, while Harley recommends they ask for MORE.
From my W's point of view, less is better. I'm deeply unfulfilled in the M and basically want out - which I think will come as a surprise to W, who, I think, thinks things are going really well.
It's become clear to me that W doesn't want her intimate needs met by me, and hasn't for years. And that those needs, apparently, aren't that important to her.
So I'm wondering if the non-Harley ask-for-less school is good for some couples. Not for us though. I just want to get out and be with a woman who wants and respects me. I'm only here still because my mother's planning to go overseas soon and I don't want to upset her or her plans.
