This is a long one, and I apologize guys. Please take the time and read through it though. I really need some help here:


First time visitor, and first time poster. I found the site through a simple Yahoo search for "Marriage Advice". So, here I am, needing some.

I've been with my wife for 6 years now. I'm only 26 years old, so as you can tell, we married early on (more soon than probably most). We're both the same age by the way. Anyway, recently I've been getting more annoyed with our “situation” and need some advice on what to do. I'm not sure where to start, so I'll go back as far as I can, and see from there.

I was in military (Marine Corps) for four years and got together with my wife before leaving (having known her for a year or two prior). Things were fantastic at the start... she would fly out to visit me, and I would go home whenever I could. Being across the country made it difficult, but we made it work. I probably spent a few hundred dollars in phone calls (which we made every night) and had the luxury of e-mails and internet.

Well, needless to say the price of phones, flying, and everything else got to be too much. Two years into the military we decided to go ahead and get married. I'd say 95% of the decision was based on love for one another and the need to be together. 5% was probably to better the situation and bring us together (you could only live together off-base if you were married).

Things were still great... lots of fun times, and lots of affection. Then came my first deployment. It lasted nine months, and included a trip to Iraq during the initial invasion. I was able to call throughout those 9 months, probably once a week at best, unless I was in port somewhere and got to use a computer. For information, I was based out of a ship for most of that time , so I went wherever it went.

I thought everything was pretty good for the time I was away. We wrote to each other daily, and she seemed pretty positive. I did end up going down a pretty dark path when my “buddies” kept hassling me and telling me my wife was cheating on me while I was away. At first I didn't believe it, but then it started to eat away at me. Towards the time I came back, I can say I basically believed it. But when I did return, everything seemed perfect again. I spent the next few months with her and relaxing.

Then something changed... I'm not sure what it was, or who it started with, but we began to pull away from each other. The intimacy started to drop away, the affection, and the desire to do things together (dinner, movie, whatever). I started to think she was cheating on me again, and even went so far as to search through her messages (AIM or Yahoo). Which I know is a complete lack of trust. But I spent 9 months being told it was happening and the trust thing became an issue. Anyway, I find a message from an online friend (some guy she played a multiplayer game with) giving her his number and asking when she was going to call him. Needless to say I jumped on there and told him it wasn't going to happen and to get lost.

I then confronted her about it and she said she never called him and wouldn't. She told me it was nothing like that and she only wanted to be with me. Ok.

So things were... “eh” ... after that. They didn't get worse, but then again they didn't get better either. I was deployed for a second time, and it was MUCH different than before. I had phone access daily, and internet... but we didn't talk like we used to. There were considerably less mailed letters being sent, and it just seemed like we were getting more and more distant.

That deployed ended 6 months later, and I returned home. This time I picked up with her and moved back to my home state, leaving the military after 4 years of service. We found ourselves an apartment, and began to build a new life (one without the military). But, things still never were the same. I found myself spending more time on the computer (which was my “safety place”) and less time with her. I remember at one point discussing this with her, and it was a “You changed”, “No you changed”, type of discussion that really didn't help all that much. Again, things at this point settled down and didn't get better or worse.

Well we finally decided that we wanted to have a baby. It was a joint decision that came from our need to be more close and have a family. Good idea right? Well, maybe not. Things were better for a time being, while we tried and tried to have a baby. Eventually she became pregnant (which took a hell of a lot more effort than I thought lol), and things were great for the first 6 months or so. Then, towards the end when the physical intimacy stepped aside for the arrival of the baby, things went downhill again. I started thinking back to my days of mis-trust, and thought maybe that the kid wasn't mine. This was on my mind the last month, when he was finally born.

I remember the first thought in my head when I saw him, and it was that he couldn't have been mine. It's not like he came out a different race, or anything like that... he had some of my features. But it didn't feel right. Then her family visited and kept saying how much he looked like her and not me... which folks, REALLY doesn't help the situation at all. I eventually dealt with my fears, and accepted it all. I took on the role of “father” and began to care for him like I should have (this “enlightenment” came in the first week or two of him being born).

We eventually decided to get a house, and moved into it. I had started a new job (my dream), and things were looking up. Then of course, the bills came, the debt, the stress of work. Everything seemed to go downhill again, and I was fighting against insecurities of our relationship. I didn't so much think she was cheating, but that our relationship would fail (much like my parents and hers had).

So... two years later here I am. I've been to a shrink who says that I'm fine (at least career wise). We didn't touch so much on the relationship other than that it wasn't going well. She wasn't specialized so much with that area and she recommended three things:

1.Communicate more with her and try and work this all out
2.Don't communicate with her, and keep doing what I'm doing
3.Get a divorce

I'm not too keen on number 3... seeing that I don't want to follow in the cycle that my parents and hers laid out. I'm also not big on discussion, though I tried a few times to get us back on track. So I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do? I know that if I tell her what's up, this will likely be like before and get better for a short time, then fade out. I'll get depressed and stressed again, and I'll be back at square one. I need something that's more of a permanent solution.

Sure, I could go to a counselor with her and hope they have all the answers or at least how to seek them. But will it work? I guess I don't know. I feel like I'm living more with a roommate than a wife. She doesn't seem interested in me, and doesn't seem interested in us. So what can I do?

EDIT: I guess I should also add that the reason I came here is not just that I need some help, but that I'm really at the end of my rope. I am starting to give up, and don't want to end this. I'd like to see everything succeed and be the way it used to (before that first deployment). Hopefully someone here has felt this way and has a suggestion for me.

Would she be willing to look at this site with you and do some of the quizzes and things that this site does? I just got on here myself last night and just from looking at it today, I can see that it would really help my marriage if I can get my Hubby to do this with me. "So I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do? I know that if I tell her what's up, this will likely be like before and get better for a short time, then fade out. I'll get depressed and stressed again, and I'll be back at square one. I need something that's more of a permanent solution." That sounds like me.
Maybe if you look at the "Basic concepts" and the "Emotional Needs" that will help you see more of when and where it went wrong and how to get it back on track. And also learn things about each other that you probably don't know. I find with my hubby that writting a letter to him telling him how I feel is better than discussing to his face. Then also he has time to think about it and absorb it, etc. Maybe writer her a letter and tell her you really want it to be like it was, you found this site, would she be willing to give it a try. I know military life is terrible on marriages. I live in a military town and am familiar with that lifestyle of one spouse being deployed, etc. It has to be terrible on her for you to have been gone, but you are back now. Do you think she really cheated on you? or is it just our suspicions? To me seeing a man posting online for help with his marriage is like WOW. lol From what I've seen so far on this site, I believe if you both gave an effort to what Dr. Harley offers, you'll make it and be back in love like before. Good Luck!!

As another military person who is currently deployed, I can understand alot of your issues. However, what really caught my eye is the parts that you own. Not saying that this is your fault, just pointing out what I saw in your writing...

As you point out, most of your stressful periods are when you start to doubt her and have feelings that she has cheated. The question is though whether there is any logical, non-emotional reason for it. Finding the person offering her the phone number is a possibility, but far from proof. Now, the real clincher here is that you talk about how it makes you feel and how you start to feel distant. So, let's look at it from your wives point of view.

In her eyes, at various times in your relationship for no reason, you start to be irritable and distant and stop being the person she married. Can you see how that might make her then start to pull away? So, now you have you pulling away because of unbased fears, and her pulling away from hurt feelings from your "unexplained" (since she doesn't know why you pulled away) actions from you. It's a vicious spiral that I know far too well.

What you need to do is get this feeling of cheating behind you. Either confirm it, alleviate it, or accept it and then move on.

If you can confirm it either through talking to her or discovering it in her e-mail, text, whatever, then decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Something I've learned reading on here is that infidelity is hell, but not always the end of a relationship. Sometimes it is just a wake up call to a very immature person who then matures and changes when they truly see the results of their actions.

If you want to just alleviate it, then you have to find out what will do that. Perhaps it's telling her your fear, acknowledging that it may be unfair and unbased, but it's a fear nonetheless and to save your marriage, would she give you full honest access to her e-mail and such? That will probably be taken as a lack of trust and attack on her in her mind and then she has to decide if that is a deal breaker for her. However, she may just say, "I don't understand why you need this, but if you say you do, then that's good enough for me." and give you access just to alleviate your unbased fears.

If you want to accept it, then just accept the fear. Perhaps she did cheat on you. Perhaps she didn't. If you have no proof or even reason to suspect, then you may decide to just tell yourself that there is no reason to let a baseless fear destroy a marriage. I'm not saying to be a fool and blind. Afterall just because someone is paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T being followed! I just mean to make the decision to let it go and make decisions based on solid facts. Right now you have the facts that you each love each other so why should those facts be pushed aside for an unproven fear at this time?

That's dealing with the fear. Now you have to make a decision on the relationship since they are different topics. Something I've been learning lately is that in most situations the only way to break a spiral is to just do it. Yes, you will feel like a fool and that you are being walked on at times, but if you give it 100% for at least a set period of time (ie., 6 months?) then you can say you gave it 100%.

Start treating her like you want to treat her. Don't treat her based on how you feel. I assume you want to treat her like you did when you dated. Do so. Start going out and spending time and doing all those things. If she pisses you off or does something that would have made you pull back, take a breath, decide how serious it is and then move forward just like you did when you dated. In fact, before you do anything, ask yourself, "If I had just met this woman and we were dating, what would I do in this situation". I'm finding that is usually a safe bet. It makes you more attentive to her, less judgemental, but still in control of what your standards are. When I stopped looking at my wife as "just my wife" and more as "someone I'm interested in" as stupid as it sounds, it made a difference in how I felt. I was more forgiving of minor things and, therefore, she was less distant since I was pushing her away less.

Anyhow, it's easy giving advice when you aren't "in the same warzone" that the other person is, so take my words with a pinch of salt. Hopefully they help to some degree...

Your wife has distanced herself because she senses, or knows, that you don't trust her. That is an insult to her. Apologize, tell her she's all you want, and ask her to find a way - together - to build up what you once had. Print out the Love Buster questionnaire for both of you, and ask her to fill it out, so you will know how NOT to do what she doesn't like. Once you get that under control, stopping the LoveBusters, then ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire, so that you can DO what she likes and keep her happy. Make this about you, not her. Cos from what I've seen, your insecurity is what's driving the marriage down.