I'm not suggesting that you aren't Ani, I'm simply stating that this time is for you now. I know that you are working on yourelf; I'm just reiterating that Plan B can be insulating from the A and the wayward AS WELL AS a time of growth for you.

I thought of my husband daily, throughout the day. I'm also not suggesting that he will not be a part of your thoughts, just that the focus can now be on you.

I already see a positive shift in your thinking, especially since talking with Jennifer. I'm just saying to keep on keepin on.

I am SL...I do appreciate your efforts to help me. I was feeling as if you didn't think I was working on myself. I know this might sound conceded but I don't think I have anything to work on other than keeping myself busy during Plan B with new interests and things like that. I won't let him make me feel inadequate, unattractive or anything like that. I think my husband has his own issues to work out and if he is able to I think he will come home. If not, then he will take himself and all his unresolved issues to the next relationship. For me I'm a great catch and I'm not afraid to say it. Conceded no, confident YES!!!

Confidence is great.

When I talk about working on yourself, I'm not merely talking about physical appearance or confidence level. I'm also talking about looking into the M and finding what you believe you could improve to become a more versed, better partner, as well as self recovery, which requires examining your own behaviors in relationships and shoring up the problem areas, so that you will not repeat old mistakes and habits in ANY new relationships, including recovery.

I'm talking more about behaviors, than physicality.

I'm sure that you are a fine woman, Ani, but we can all use improvement, doncha think?

Anyway, I think you are doing a fine job in Plan B. I'm gonna get in a little nap before my son gets home, gather may strength for the rest of the weekend.

As Mimi would say, Head UP, Shoulders Back, and carry on my friend.

A nap sounds good. I do have behaviors to improve. I have been looking into what I could have done better. I could have appreciated his hard work more. Not that I didn't appreciate it but I should have expressed it more. I think he needs to hear that. I could have expressed what a good father I thought he was. I always knew he was a good man just didn't express it out load and he needed to hear it. I have lots to improve on. I know now that he needs to feel appreciated. I an looking into our marriage how we got to where we are and how to become a better spouse. Trust me I've learned so much over the past year and a half and still learning today. Thanks for listening.

Been a while since I posted. Nothing to report on. Still working on myself and enjoying my kids. Did a little investigating and I think OW is gone...but who knows for how long!!

Are you staying dark?

I'm still dark. Thanks for asking. I've been really busy at work. I was promoted to a manager and I've been training someone new. Baseball season will be challanging...it starts in March. I have problems with the games and practices because I like to watch. Just a quick update.

Hey Ani! Congratulations on your promotion! I read this recent post by Dr. Harley over on the MB weekend forum and I thought it might be helpful.

Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.


Dr. Harley
Administrator


Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM



xxxxxx: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.

About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.

Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Thanks for the post. It seems like this has been going on forever. I'm dark...but did did crack the other day. But dark again. Was discussing taxes etc with WH and of course the conversation turned to us. I pretty much broke down and said we can't afford two homes all these added expenses etc. He replied it won't be that much longer, and I asked if he was ever going to live here again...he replied I don't know. I asked those things in order to find out if I should sell our home. He mentioned that I seem to go out a lot and if i'm going to see other people then he will too. I looked in amazement and said you had an affair???? He replied that was long time ago. I replied that I was not seeing or going out with anyone. We ended our discussion...he had tears in his eyes and he left.
I know I shouldn't have talked to him..I've been dark and really good. I tucked the conversation away and continued on my path. By the way..I ended up accepting another job. The money is much better and is with a good company. I start in March. I decided to take some time off before I start and perhaps take my kids somewhere.

Congratulations on your new job. Sounds like you are moving ahead with a good life and hubby is stuck wallowing in the mud.

Ani, I think he knows that you are not serious about Plan B.

I haven't been in a very dark Plan B. It seems as though I'm getting my needs met when I talk to WH as well. I guess I still feel connected when we talk...even if it's about finances or the kids. We do not really talk about us. Every once in a while but not often. I decided that I am perpetuating his fencing. One day wanting to come home...one day not sure. Because I am always there for him..he knows I love him and want him to come home he can take as long as he likes to decide!! I'm done. I will not live my life like this any longer. Until someone upsets the apple cart we could go on like this for a long time. I have always had a very strong feeling that my husband isn't going anywhere. That might be just a way to protect my feelings..I don't know. I even said to my husband one day "You're not going anywhere..if you were you would have divorced me long time ago" he just looked at me and smiled. At this point I don't know if hubby is with OW or not. He might be going through withdrawal..he might still see her. I don't care and I don't want to know. All I really know is that he's not home. Nothing else matters. I have been dark now for 3 days. I know that doesn't sound like much but it is really good for me. When I think something is important that he needs to know...I call my friend or just remind myself that if OW was so right for him he wouldn't have returned home for 4 months because he wanted to work on our marriage. He also wouldn't have been with me during his affair with her. (Telling me he's coming home, that he thinks were going to make it etc.) If she was so great he wouldn't have been saying that to me! (BIG TIME CAKE EATING) I just remind myself that Plan B is the best chance to get our family back together as counterintuitive as it seems. I also feel better when I'm not around him. So, I'm done!! I am removing myself from his world of cofusion!! There is nothing I can do to help him..he has to do this on his own. I hope he is strong enough to make it.

Hi
Your situation is similar to mine and my WW is acting the same. She actually lives with the OM but has done a lot of fence sitting, cake eating etc. and I feel that unless I do something it would continue forever. Like you as well she has said I will "never lose her", basically that if I let the status quo continue she would cake eat because she is getting some ENs met from me FOREVER!
She basically thinks as does your husband that we will always be there, so I am moving away soon, better job and work on me and no more support either emotionally or financial for her.
When I have started talking about going she is getting far more clingy, even crying not to lose me, but she doesnt leave the OM and commit. Sounds like we both need to follow through on Plan B and let them stew in their own mess.

Oh and going to add as well,
your WH and my WW seem pretty similar, although she protests she loves me deeply and not the OM, it seems to me like she doesnt really love anybody.
Maybe the same as your husband. If she really loved me she wouldnt have treated me so badly, if she loved the OM she wouldnt still be seeing me.
IN FACT, she actually admitted this, not about not loving me, but if she did love him she would not be seeing me.
Maybe they (your WH and my WW) are not capable of loving anybody!