Brief history: H & I have been together 18yrs. 10yrs ago he went on a business trip and was hanging out with some single guys in the hotel bar. His single friend picked up the waitress, who agreed to show the guys around town. Well the end result was that H ended up leaving me for that waitress, pushing for D, and we were seperated for several months before he came crawling back to me. We worked hard on recovery and i thought we were fine until last summer I found out he had been IMing and emailing an unhappily-married female ex-coworker extensively while I was in bed at night. As far as I found, he wasn't "interested" in her, but did lie to me and try to hide it from me for months. A few days after I found out about that, I found proof on the computer that he'd signed up for six married dating websites. After thoroughly researching that I tend to believe him that he joined just to look at profiles & pics. He lied and denied until I threatened divorce. We went to MC again.

Now for the past year instead of hanging out with his married friends, he's hanging out with some single guys that are 10+yrs younger than him and drink to excess several times a week. I am HIGHLY uncomfortable with this. He does put in his "family" time, and usually only goes out after I've gone to bed. It puts me in a state of perpetual fear since his affair was the result of him hanging out with single guys in a drinking environment. He knows my fears. Our MC told him it was inappropriate for a married man to be out drinking several nights a week with single guys (basically living the single life). He made an effort to stop for a while but is right back to hanging out with them regardless of how I feel. He says they are the only people he knows with his interests and if he doesn't hang out with them he'll just sit home bored and he works hard and needs an outlet.

He also told the MC that he realized that like a drug addiction, porn escalates so he's realized that he cannot look at ANY without wanting to take it to the next step. Again, he didn't look at any porn for a while, but now is doing it again (internet videos).

Since both the porn and him hanging out with single guys partying not only causes me lots of pain and fear, but I feel also puts our marriage in jeopardy I feel he should stop the activities. He says he shouldn't have to "give up his life" to make me happy.

Thoughts? We're about to head towards D.

Hi Hoping2

I would agree, especially with his history, that his lifetyle has put your marriage in grave danger. Indeed, his reaction to your request that he give up these activities leads me to wonder if he is having an affair now. Are you checking up on him, using a keylogger on the computer and regularly looking at his cellphone call log? Is he giving you complete access to all his communications?

Assuming that you find nothing, you can make the behaviour a boundary (if you do this, no longer tolerate it and mean it). This is the only way to deal with an addiction. Read about what Dr Harley says on this site. He says that the addiction has to be addressed and resolved before an attempt can be made to recover the marriage.

But if you go this route, do not threaten. State what you will do and absolutely follow through so that he is completely clear on the cause and effect. Tell him you love him but that his behaviour gives you too much pain and that he can return to the marriage once the problem has been addressed.