My wife is having an internet afair and has told me that she loves him and wants to move in with him. Since I discovered this she has become extremely angry and hateful toward me. The days before I found out she was pretty lovey and nice.
She sits around the house all day now and talks to him on the phone or chats on the internet with him and when she is not doing that she is texting him. To watch this every day and night is crushing my heart. I have never felt such pain in my 51 years.
I do not know what to do. I just know that I do not want to lose her, but she is not willing to give him up and give me a chance to be the man she wants.

Has she actually met this guy? Is he real?

There was a story awhile back about a young man who had decided to leave his wife...he had bought airline tickets and packed his bags. When his chat partner found out, she finally fessed up and told him she was an 81-year-old lonely widow.

Bowhunter,

Just for background:

How long have you been married and how old are you and your WW?

Do you have kids?

Do you have any idea who the OM is?

What was the state of the marriage prior to your discovery?

What is your work and finacial situation?

Is she contacting him right in front of you? If so you need to establish that boundry as out of line right now. See below.



I have pasted in Mark's Manual of Plan A. This is a great breakdown of where you are right now.

Plan A: This is a specific plan that is based on the ideas presented by Dr Harley. It is designed to do two things, both of which have as their primary goal the end of the affair and yet neither aspect of the plan ensures the end of the affair. This plan can be described as the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

1) The Carrot of Plan A.
a. This is really a self-examination and self-improvement program.
i. Attempt to discover the wayward spouse’s top ENs
ii. Do all that you can, based on what the WS allows to meet these needs
b. Identify Love Busters in your own behavior
i. Discover what it is that you do that causes your spouse to be unhappy.
ii. This includes Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments and Independent Behavior as the primary problems to be overcome
iii. Eliminate these LBs from your day to day existence. Notice that the total elimination of these is the goal, not just getting better at avoiding them.
2) This is not the time to attempt to resolve long standing issues in the marriage other than LBs and only as they apply to your own behavior.
3) No commitment from the WS to recovery can or should be expected as it will be failed expectations that will cause you to lose hope.
a. No discussions of the relationship are necessary in order to carry out Plan A
b. The WS does not have to buy into the MB concepts for you to execute Plan A.
4) The Stick of Plan A.
a. Exposure of the real trouble between you, that is the affair, needs to occur so that others around both of you understand what is going on.
i. If the affair partner is married, their spouse should always be informed since they too have to take actions based on reality and not the false information they already believe.
ii. The family of the WS needs to know what is going on so that the reality is known before the WS can give any spin to your “problems.”
iii. If the affair partners work together, their employer should be informed, especially if company resources such as telephones, cell phones and computers are being used to communicate or other company assets are being abused such as lunches etc.
b. Prepare for the most hateful things to be said to you that you have ever heard.
i. You will be told that there was a chance for the marriage, but that now that chance is gone (ignore this)
ii. You will be told that you had no right to call the AP’s spouse and tell them the truth (ignore this too)
iii. You will be told that you are interfering and trying to control your spouse and this is why they are leaving you (Yep, you can ignore this as well)
5) Defend the marriage and the family from the WS’s actions
a. Do not allow the children to have contact with the affair partner.
b. Do not finance the affair in any way
i. Do not pay for an apartment for WS to live in
ii. Do not Move out of the marital home and establish your own separate residence
iii. Do not pay for baby sitters so that WS can meet with AP.
iv. Do not pay for cell phones or LD calls so that the APs can remain in contact.
v. Do not allow the family funds or marital assets to be diverted to the affair.
c. Do not enable the affair to continue
i. Do not allow the affair to be rubbed in your face.
ii. If WS calls OP in your presence, respectfully request that they stop because it is disrespectful to you. You don’t have to blow up to do this. Just say it.
iii. Make plans for family time and request that the WS be present. Basically monopolize their time so they can’t get together.
6) Reassure the children that you will always be there for them
a. Do not defend the actions of the WS, but do not constantly complain to the children about it either
b. Step up and become the primary care giver of the children.
c. Do NOT under any circumstances allow the WS to move out and take the children without a court order to force the issue.
7) Seek legal counsel to determine your rights and what you need to avoid in order to stay out of trouble.
a. If The WS decides to leave, this can include a legal separation agreement
b. It could also perhaps include an order of protection to prevent the AP from coming around your home and children.
c. It does not have to include filing for a divorce at this time.

Hi bowhunter. Pietas Husband makes a good point. This guy is fantasy. By the way, if she wants to move in with him, why is she still at home?

The good folks that frequent this section regularly will chime in with more advice...but I would recommend EXPOSURE. Tell her family, friends, children (over 16), minister, co-workers - that she's having an online affair. This brings the ugly little secret to the light of day. You don't threaten to do it, you just do it.

You can opt to do a Plan A, particularly if there is anything you've needed to correct about your behavior - and show your W how good it can be at home. During a Plan A, you can express your feelings that you want her to stop seeing the OM...calmly and respectfully. Depending on the situation as it occurs, you don't want to do a Plan A "too" long because she might really like having her cake and eating it too, the best of both worlds. Plan A is to leave a good impression of you to add to her decision-making. If she refuses to give up the guy, then you move on to Plan B. Read as much as you can about it on this site.

My Ex-H had an affair, and I'll tell you from experience - if they want to leave, LET THEM. I got so concerned with trying to keep him at home to fulfill his needs that I wasn't leaving a good lasting impression. I should have just said okay, if that's what you want, let him pack, told him I hoped he changed his mind (while I was still interested in taking him back!)...and waved goodbye. In hindsight under all the circumstances, I believe he would have come back home in relatively short order since she wasn't showing her true colors at first. Eh, live and learn. I hope everything works out for you.

He is real I have seen him and talked to him on the phone.

We have been married 6 yrs and we have 5 and 3 yr old boys. I do know of him but have not met him personally. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but before I found out about this it was actually the best it had been in 6 yrs.I am 51 yrs old and she is 38. the OM is 50. I am disabled on SSD. She ussually works and I take care of our boys. I worked up untill a yr ago. Yes she contacts him all the time via phone, text, email or chat.

He is definantly real and she is home right know because I begged her to stay.

bowhunter,

I don't know how much exposure you have done, but do it tonight.

When you expose, think in terms of exposing to people with requesting them to support the marriage. Your purpose is NOT to get a shoulder to cry on, to hurt your wife, or to cause anyone any pain. Your purpose is to kill the affair, because affairs thrive on the concept of secrecy and the excitement of the fantasy of the secrecy. By exposing, the light shines on the affair partners, and they have to deal with the reality of their behavior and the judgement and reaction of other people - things they have so far been able to escape. Exposure allows you to cause some problems between the affair partners, because up until now, everything has been la-la-la lovey dovey, because nobody has interfered with the harsh reality of daily life and the consequences it entails.

Exposure throws a dose of reality into the works.

But it is not done out of anger, and not out of anything but to stop the affair. You are asking the family and friends to support the MARRIAGE, and to discourage the affair. You are asking for support to rebuild the marriage - that is what you say when you call. You do NOT ask them to take sides, to intervene, to do anything at all. You just ask them not to support the affair, and to ask them not to do anything that might support the affair, such as meeting the OM, going out with them together, inviting him over, etc., so that you can have a chance to eliminate him from the picture. Explain that the only way the marriage can recover is to return the focus to the marriage partners, and that OM must be out of the picture, and that will take the support and encouragement of family and friends.

Call your wife's parents first. Let them know what she is doing, and tell them that you know that you are not the perfect husband, but that you want to work to save your marriage. Ask them to support the marriage and to discourage your wife's affair. Do not be surprised if they don't believe you, or "take her side." Remain calm, accept what they say, be polite, be factual and try to be as unemotional as possible. Ask for their help - but know that their instinct will be to support their daughter, and that many will even support an affair.

Call your parents and do the same thing. They will likely support you. Ask them NOT to call your wife and chew her out, but to keep their minds open to helping save your marriage, because that is what you want!!! Ask for loving support of the marriage.

Call your wife's brothers/sisters, and friends. Call yours. Be factual, do not embellish, and remain as on-point to requesting support for the marriage as possible.

Then, if you have ANY contact information, CALL THE OTHER MAN'S FAMILY - AND HIS WIFE. If he is married, you have one strong ally there. Remember, affairees lie - and while he might be telling your wife he is single, double-check on that. He may very well be hiding his loving wife or girlfriend who has no idea the game he's playing.


If you remain on point regarding requesting MARITAL SUPPORT, and DO NOT MAKE ANY UNKIND REMARKS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE during exposure, you will be rewarded much faster. Also, these calls WILL be reported back to your spouse - count on it. If you are factual, unemotional, and say that you are asking for marital support to end the affair and say nothing unfair or unkind about your spouse, they will have nothing bad to report back. Remember that and keep it in mind. Also, when asked, they will all report the exact same thing - and they will be asked, and they will all talk about it.

Stay on point: "help me save my marriage" "I know I'm not a perfect husband and I need to make changes in order to repair this marriage"

Ask for support: "Our marriage can get past this affair, but we will need the loving support of our friends and family, and I am asking for that from you."

Ask for understanding: "Please understand that she is having an affair, but that means that our marriage must have been in trouble" "Please understand that I love my wife, and I am willing to forgive her"

Talk about the future: "I know that with the support and help of friends and family this affair can be stopped and our marriage can be saved" "I know that your help can make our future marriage stronger"


That is what exposure should be - a positive message. NOT bomb-throwing. Because when it gets back to your spouse, the people should report that YOU WERE LOVING. YOU WERE HOPEFUL. But the real effect is that

YOU WERE EXPOSING.


Get on the phone, bowhunter.


Schoolbus

That sounds great and may be good advise, but she has made some seriouse threats if I tell her family and I believe she will do what she said. So I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot on that issue.
I want to thank each and every one of you for your advise. I do so very much want to save my marriage. I am trying to take plan A to heart and talking to others who have been thru it helps.
Thank You All very, very much. It helps to be able to talk to someone.

Rich

Honey, they all do. Seriously, if you poke around here, read some of the more developed threads (like mine....lol) you will see this. Yes she will be FURIOUS, she will be MAD, she will throw a MAJOR TEMPER TANTRUM, but that's all it will be. And if she follows through with the threats, so what. Which, what are they by the way???

I exposed in the beginning, WS didn't like it. Did all the things people around here warned me he would. I again exposed the affair in public 2 weeks ago, and the A is on its way down the toilet. There is nothing like it....it is a very POWERFUL weapon....

please reconsider...

oh, and glad to see you are here, but wish it was under different circumstances....

not2fun

She has said she would have her freind claim I raped her. Her freind has done this to a few men already. That is just one of the few. We live in a very liberal state and she also said she will turn me in for spanking the kids.

Do not let WW scare you from exposing. Affairs need to be kept secret to continue. All WS's threaten if you are going to expose. That is why you never warn that you are going to expose.

Most times the OM will drop the WW when he is exposed because he does not want to deal with losing his own BW or her all over him all the time.

bowhunter,

Since she's making these kinds of threats, I would document them in whatever way possible. Keep a journal. Post them here. Tell other people in writing/emails so your descriptions will predate the exposure. Maybe you could even talk to the police ahead of time and tell them what you're planning to do and what she's threatening....and just ask them to document it. Find a good counselor and tell them about her threats so that they can testify for you if she follows through. Or find a clergyman who can vouch for you.

And then expose this affair.

What she is doing is terribly abusive.....so my guess is that she's also capable of even worse lies surrounding custody. So discuss that issue with cops/counselors/clergy etc.

Sorry for your pain.

Bowhunter,

I've not been on MB in a while, but a friend asked me to come back and post to your thread.

Your situation sounds similar to what I went through almost four years ago.

My wife met another man online, and was all set to move out and live with him...in my case though, they'd never even met face to face!

I'm not sure by reading your situation...is he local to where you live, or is he some distance away?

The advice you've been given so far is great (as always). Read up on plan A, and plan B here.

You need to start a hardcore plan A...right now. Work on meeting what emotional needs you can...and at the same time, put pressure for the affair to end. Exposure is definitely part of that. She will HATE it...but she'll hate it because its effective in making the affair uncomfortable and bring it to an end.

Journaling all that goes on makes good sense too...to include all the threats she lays out on you. Document as much as you can...it is possible this may help defend you later if need be.

How did she meet OM online? Via a game format, or what? What is their primary source of communication now? How long has this been going on? How were they "caught"?

She met him on line on Adult freind finder. He lives about 30 minutes away.

BH,

Just wanted to check in and make sure you're ok brother. Let us know how you're doing.

I'd begin looking into some LEGAL ways to strike back at OM...start by informing all of his neighbors about what he's doing. Then his co-workers. Then his church, etc. You get the idea.

If he touches you, or even verbally threatens you, have him arrested and go through with pressing charges.

Just don't let this [censored] walk away from this with no consequences.

Exposure is good... neighbors might be a bit too far...

Mark has done a great outline/flow chart of the steps of the Marriage Builders Process.

Please check it out.

If you have questions about any of it. Please post them.

Let us know how you're doing.

My FWW didn't even meet OM online, but she did use emails and IMs to set up "meetings".

To this day, I have no internet access in the house. I've been asked about getting a new one, and my reply is always, "I have no problem getting a new computer. My only problem is with having internet access."

Then, oddly, any talk of wanting a new PC stops immediately.

Bowhunter, I am also dealing with an A my H had thanks to that same website. His OW lives 50 miles from here and over the last year of their A, they only were able to meet 5x but the phone calls and emails kept the A alive. That website and a couple others are designed for the only purpose to destroy marriages because they let you advertise what you want such as Intimate Encounters, etc. I saw the profile my H put on to PLENTYOFFISH.com too and it was sickening.
I would expose the A to whoever will listen. That kind of behavior is unacceptable!