I'm recovering from the shock. I found out about my wife and her high school boyfriend on January 20th. We're in marriage counseling. My wife has an individual counselor.

I know the IC is interested in her health and mental happiness and has no particular responsibility to help heal our marriage... Is it normal to be scared of the counselor?

One example... my wife told her she had thoughts about contacting her high school boyfriend to apologize for all the trouble she's caused. The counselor didn't say anything like-- don't do it. She just said she understood my wife's feelings and they were valid. But, they didn't discuss what impact that contact might/could have on our healing marriage.

Help... I'm petrified of this "other woman" in my wife's life.

You're right to be concerned and yet, you can't 'make' your wife stop seeing her.

I have heard of very few therapists who fight to save marriages... most fight to save individuals. *Unless they're a marriage counselor, obviously.

Keep in mind that hurting people in therapy aren't always hearing what's being said; they are filtering information through their own lens of understanding - i.e. the therapist might have said more than what your wife "remembers"... but honestly, the "feelings are valid" statement is right out of the therapy book.

I would discuss this with your marriage counselor (alone if possible first) and then if it needs to be discussed with your wife as well, do it in the safe environment of their office (and by "safe" I mean for both you and your wife).

You may need to set a strong boundary FOR YOURSELF about how much you discuss with your wife about her personal therapy. Since you can't make her stop seeing the therapist or stop the therapist from supporting your wife as an individual (and possibly not supporting the marriage at all)... you may not be able to listen to her talk about what goes on behind the therapist's door.

This is something I would strongly advise you speak to an expert about - either Dr. Harley or your own marriage counselor.