My husband & I have been married for 13 years this past September. We got married when I was 22 years old and he was 26. During our first two years of marriage, he had an affair with his bestfriend's wife (who was also a very close friend of mine). I was able to forgive him and moved on with our lives.
My husband has been struggling with an alcohol problem all of his life. Pretty much everyone in his family is recovering. I did not notice that his problem was so severe until we moved into our house five years ago. When we moved, our oldest child just turned one (she is now 6). Our first year in our new house was exciting. We made friends with all the neighbors, but it ended up reminding me a lot like our situation with our friends in the beginning of our marriage -- we were with our neighbors day and night.
During our first year and a half at our house he started drinking more and more. He didn't really go to the bars, just drank at home. We then had another child (who will be turning 4 very shortly). After we had her, things changed. My life has been taking care of the children and watching him be here, but not emotionally here. Three years ago he had a midlife crisis and made some comments to some friends about having a girlfriend; who he told everyone was our neighbor's daughter (who is a very good friend of ours). She was 22 at the time and just happened to be our oldest daughter's bestfriend's mother. Another comment I should add is this girl's daughter was conceived with a married man when she was 18 years old. Anyway, at the time my husband and I separated because he wasn't happy and neither was I. We both had divorce attorneys and he was moved out of the house. While he was gone, someone put a note on my car stating that my husband was messing around with a neighbor. Well, my heart told me to confront this girl; so I did. I went to her at her parents house and confronted her and she denied everything, so I let it go. Well, my husband and I were goint to marriage counseling at the time and decided to reconcile. He moved back home and that was in August of '05.
Well Mother's Day of '06 he informed me that he was unhappy again and thought it would be best that we separate, which I said I agreed, but deep down I didn't want to. He was drinking more excessively and it had been getting worse since the beginning of that year. So we separated and decided in July of '06 that we would work on things, so he moved back in.
Well, long story short (or maybe not), he's had a problem with alcohol and that is where a lot of my resentment has came into our marriage. It has caused about 85% of our fights, and he will agree. Well, this January after coming home from a work party, I came home to a man who said he had enough and wanted me to take him to a rehab facilty. He was there for a week and has been recovering ever since; he has been sober for a little over two months now and I am very greatful.
As everyone knows who is working the AA program, when you do your steps one of the steps is to make amends. I've been avoiding him bc I just had a feeling he would tell me something that I didn't want to hear, but knew deep down in my heart -- and I was right. He told that that he has been unfaithful to me twice in the past five years. He would not give me any details except one was a one-night stand and one was an ongoing relationship, but there was nothing emotional, just sexual. He would not tell me who they were with, but I know him and was able to sort of get it out of him. And I was right, it was with the girl that I confronted two years ago. He said that he would stand by me no matter what decision I make, and he has no excuses for what he has done to me and our family. The number one priority right now for him is his sobriety, and I agree. He says he has been faithful since he has been back in the house, so that is going on almost 2 years.
My question is: should I confront this girl again? Her daughter is my children's best friend. I do not want to hurt my children, but in the same respect I do not want the girl around them either. He has not have contact with her and actually when we have been at functions where she's been, there has been a distance between them. She is actually in a relationship and currently talking marriage with the man. My problem is that two houses away from us are her parents and she is up two houses from them; so they will always be in our lives -- or I should say in our sight. I know this will kill her parents and do not want to cause anymore pain to them, bc we just lost another neighbor of ours suddenly and my family and theirs were asked not to attend any of the arrangements for our friend.
He has told me to do what I think I need to do and he will face anything that comes to him. He knows that he has hurt many people in this situation. He has asked me to go to Alanon so I can get some help from other people that might have experienced what I am going through. I know I need to do this, but right now my mind is going a million miles a minute, so I'm sure a lot of what I have written probably doesn't even make sense.
I know I can move on from this, but it will be hard for me to forget. He has totally changed since he has stopped drinking. He is becoming a very spirtual person and more loving husband, and has always been a very good father to our children. My thing is trying to move on, especially when this person is so close. He said he has nothing to hide from me anymore, and it feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest because now we can try to move on to a healhier and more loving relationship.
I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar or anyone who has advice!
