Here is my story...long story short...
My wife and have been married 20 years and have 3 wonderful children. Looking back the marriage was not great, but fine. 2 months ago I discovered my wife has been having an emotional affair for the last 3 years. It was with someone she had been working with and somebody I knew and respected. He is married with 2 children. I still am in disbeleif and very angry. During one of our post affair conversion my wife tells me she has been unhappy for the last 10 years. I have suffered from depression most of our married life and have not tended properly (until now) and relize how it has a serious affect on our relationship.
I am very interested in custom building a new relationship with my wife. She is not certian that she can love me again and needs time to think. This situation has acted as huge bump on the head for me and with medication and councelling I feel like a new man. She and we are in councelling as well. I have tried to rekindle memories from the past but it just brings up negative thoughts to her. She also has strong feelings for him.
What can I do to win her back?
How much time should I give her until I move on?

2001,

Sorry for the situation, but welcome to MB.


Three years is a long time for an emotional affair. Why do you think it didnt go beyond that?


Well, I'm not saying there is no truth in your wife's confession. but it is VERY typical of WSs to rewrite history. They almost all say that they haven't been love for some time, and sometimes that they were NEVER in love. Do me a favor, look at your family pictures from the last then years. How much misery is in them? Was it all misery? Or just pretty normal?


Why did you take so long to get treatment? Yes....this is certainly something that could contribute greatly to the vulnerability of your marriage.


Her scepticism is normal. After many years of living with a depressed husband.....it will take time and consistency for her to believe any changes are real.


I'm glad you finally woke up, but remember she's going to be carrying a whole lot of resentment. She's going to be furious that she had to threaten to leave you in order to get you to act on this.....so any little backstep you make....will be huge.


Well stop that right now. WSs are not moved by walking down memory lane....trust me on this. If you want to encourage passion....take a clue from the affair. Talk to her. Take her places. Change the schedule. Be less preditable and depressing. Don't hover. Don't beg her or over compliment her. Everyday, think of sharing something you've never done with her before. You need NEW memories....and new experience to reinject this relationship with passion.


Yes....which is why she is unresponsive to having her needs met right now. She is in withdrawal, and I'm sorry about that because it's very painful for the BS.


Make the marriage an attractive alternative to the affair. Remember that she loves how she feels about herself when she's with him.....and that's more important than any love she feels FOR him. He's filling needs you've neglected.


Hunker down. If you want good results settle in for the long haul. Stay with Plan A as long as you can....and when you can't take any more....go to Plan B. After all that....you can talk about "moving on".

Good Luck Sorry for you pain.

Thanks you very much, this is very, very helpful.

Quote: Three years is a long time for an emotional affair. Why do you think it didn’t go any further?

I believe it was left as semi romantic emotional affair out of respect for the related spouses.

Quote: Why did you take so long to get treatment? Yes....this is certainly something that could contribute greatly to the vulnerability of your marriage.

Great question…disbelief?

Hi,
All is going resonable well. Have engaged Plan A with success.
My wife and I are communicating quite well. Have found out that she has made contact with OM (caught her in lie). She is still unwilling to commit to our marriage. I think she is still experiencing "withdrawl" symptoms for she is unwilling to share her deeper feelings with me. She is numb.
Thanks

If she's been unhappy 10 years, you're not likely to see her believing she has a 'new' husband for at least a good 6 months to a year. It will have to be a steady, unwavering change on your part, and especially not fall apart if you're having a bad day, she'll just think it's all an act. It has to be really part of who you are now, the better actions.

Most importantly, you have to be finding out what exactly she was unhappy about so you can stop doing it. Are you? Have you had her fill out the Love Buster questionnaire? If she balks at filling it out, just say you need it to fix yourself because you want to improve yourself and you don't want to hurt anyone else. (let her think what she wants, for now)

Well it has been 3.5 months since I have discovered my wife of twenty years has been having an affair for the past 3 years. Her affair involved no intercourse but everything else was a go (while the kids were in bed and I was away on business). I’ve been very strong, open minded, positive and identified and still correcting my behavior that led to the affair (it will be a long process). My biggest enemy was my depression which led me to withdrawal from myself, my wife and my children. I was still involved within everyone life (coached soccer, scouts, cycling club, etc.) just not the extent that a good father or husband should be. My wife and I have attended 5 sessions with a marriage councilor with minor success. The MC offered no “tools” in attempt to determine if our marriage would work and 99% of the time she concentrated on my past behaviors that led to the affair and little to do with my wife actions. My wife and I agreed to see another MC. I am still seeing an IC which is very, very helpful. My wife is seeing an IC but does not share too much information with me. I now know that my wife checked out of our relationship 3 years ago (the time the affair started). Throughout the affair she claims that she still had feelings for me, but the majority of her heart belonged to the OM. I asked her to complete the Emotional Needs questionnaire; she stated that she does not want me fulfilling her emotional needs. She claims that I have not been in her heart for quite some time and that one of personal highlights of her life was her relationship with the other man. She claims that she loves him. She still has “business” contact with the OM and will not complete a NC letter. The OM wife does not know of the affair. Only my wife sisters knows of our situation (I am very close with them). My wife tries very hard to avoid talking about us and generally hides behind the kids. Her current plan is to remain optimistic try to open her heart again and see how she feels about us. How can she feel good about us when were in this ugly situation and she is still in love with him? I’ve several books on depression, After the Affair, Divorce Remedy, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, etc. these are excellent books but I feel I can’t put them to use because I have no “dancing partner”. I am still abiding by Plan A…time for Plan B?
How do I make her feel again? I am a fighter but is it over?

You have mentioned a very good point. How can she see how she feels about your marriage if she maintains this relationship with the OM. The answer is, she won't. If she keeps talking to this OM, you won't be able to recover your marriage. Exposure is one of your most powerful tools you have. Expose the affair to the OM'w wife. Do it today and do it without warning your wife.

Before you ask, yes your wife will go absolutely nuclear on you. She will tell you that you have broken her trust. She will tell you that she was going to work on it, but now she will never forgive you. Almost every WW says and its all rubbish. Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive (in any state that you would want it to) her continuing affair with the OM.

Also, I have to ask, why do you believe a 3 year affair, in which your wife says she is in love with the OM, was not sexual? Did your wife tell you that?

If that statement is true, go buy a lottery ticket today!

I wish you the best of luck and keep posting.
Expose expose expose!

It will be over if you don't expose the affair.

Yup. Mine told me she didn't think I was capable of being so malicious. But I wasn't being malicious - I was trying to save my marriage.

Yup. I heard this one too. I got the "threw her into his arms" speech. Rubbish.

This statement is written all over this forum. It is true.

Calculated exposure is one of the best weapons you have to end the affair. Like cockroaches scattering when you turn on the light, most affairs do not survive out in the open. His wife will be a great ally in this war - start with her.

I know what you are thinking. Is it the right thing to do? From someone that has been through it, I give a resounding YES but prepare for a nuclear winter.

2001,

If you want to fix your marriage, you have to save it first. You can't save it by fixing it. If you try to fix it first, you will lose it and there will be nothing left to fix.

Study Plan A. Devise a PLAN, something you can execute one step at a time that does not depend on how she feels or what she says or does. That is your only hope.

A big part of Plan A is exposure. Expose the affair so that it is no longer a secret. As long as it is secret, it can thrive and be justified between the affair partners. Once others know the truth, the flimsy justifications they use crash and even the affair partners begin to see how poor their arguments are.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Have you read the Q&A Columns about infidelity from this site.

Can you call Steve or Jennifer in the Coaching Center for some phone counseling, not for your wife, but for you so that you can develop a simple plan...

Mark

How did you find out?

You must expose to OMW, WW's parents, and siblings. Being they work together you must expose there to.

Most likely after three years the OM does not want to divorce his wife. OM is just there for the SF. Past experiences here shows that once the OMW finds out because you exposed OMW will be all over OM and he will drop your WW like a hot potato. Claiming that it was WW that pursued OM.

I found out by being nosing with my WW cell phone. I knew who the OM was within seconds. I was always suspicious of her relationship with him (golf buddies), but I trusted the both of them and thought I was being "big" about their relationship. I became most suspicious when he never came to the house any more to pick her up for golf or...that's where she told me they were going.

My fear is that if I confront the OM wife we will never get back together. My wife may see that as me hurting her and now I/we will hurt more (Unfortunately I still have a terrible desire to hurt her emotionally). This will hurt my WW because I have now exposed her to more people - she may never forgive me. I beleive her Mother will dis-own her. Even if we do not stay together - we still have to exist together - we share three kids and a lot of family members who love everyone.

If I tell his wife, I think it might be bringing them closer together - the exact opposite of what I intended. I do not want the OM wife to suffer.
Why does my wife show so little remorse?

Because you will not expose her ugly affair. She has no respect for you. She knows she is married to someone unwilling to fight for her.

Sucks that we, the faithful spouses, have to make all the effort doesn't it?

Well, if you won't do it (exposure) you are giving her permission to have sex with another man.

How does one become blind of the visual images of the affair?
How does one cope with the anger?

Exposing does not bring them together.

2001ktm,
I know where you are coming from - I have been through it. Just take faith in knowing you will get better but it takes time. Meanwhile, you have two choices:

• Do nothing and hope for the best
• take action and fight for your marriage.

Many people here have given you sound advice. I suggest you take it - what do you have to lose?

Plan A, carrot and the stick. Expose and work on you.

The affair has now been exposed. My wife is still showing no signs of remorse nor does she show any interest in regaining my trust. I had mentioned to her that it was a shame that I had to learn about the affair to find out the true state of our marriage and she replied that I was more likely surprised that she found someone that loves her. Many of her statements consist of self pity; is this “fogbabble”. This was a totally non-abusive and “fine” (now a 4 letter word) relationship. It is in my opinion that we failed to grow together, identify and tend to our emotional needs as well bust lots of love. She has become a stranger to me overnight.

Who did you expose to? Is your WW still in contact with OM?

How did OMW react?

She will be your greatest ally if you present her with absolute concrete evidence.

You MUST tell her and tell her now!

You definitely need to implement a Plan A, if you want to save your marriage. Regardless that your marriage was 'non-abusive and fine", it was very apparently not meeting her emotional needs, which were satisfied instead by OM.

You need to read upon implementing a Plan A, during which you'll demonstrate to her that you can, and are changing, and that you now understand what she needs and will work hard to provide it. She may then see that she can have a fulfilling marriage with you. But, it will take weeks or months for the Plan A to have that effect.

If she does see this, then there are two possible outcomes. She'll either try to end the affair, or she'll become a cake eater (want to stay with both OM and you). If that latter occurs, you may then need to advance to Plan B.