I found this site about 9 years ago.. and Im afraid to say that.. pathetically.. our lives have gone no where. I cannot even remember what my sign in name was way back then.. *sigh.. but with this story.. some of the veterens may recongize my story.

I remember posting those early days about my infidelity. I had reason after reason of why I had committed the horrid offense of infidelity. Today, I look back and realize that I dont care how many excuses you have to utterly destroy a persons world, it is never a matter that can be taken with a grain of salt. There is never a reason or excuse good enough for the atom bomb to drop onto a family.

My first affair was in 1998. MY second affair was in 2004 and the filing of divorce came in 2007. Inbetween the affairs there were mulitple men online involving phone calls, role playing, emotional affairs you name it.Booze, men, porn. I was the most pathetic creature that crawled on this earth. And during that time I had no idea the path of destruction I was paving. I think that my H feels like I tied his fanny to a truck and dragged him and his heart 1000's of miles down asphalt.

I filed for divorce in 2007 because the pain had to stop. We just ate at each other, destroying what little bit of life we had in each other. I have not cheated on my spouse since 2004. In fact, I have come down to this one statement about decisions regarding affairs. IT IS A MATTER OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY AND PERSONAL CHOICE TO NOT CHEAT. PERIOD. YOu CAN say no. YOU CAN walk away. YOU CAN decide to not destroy your family. Is it difficult .. heck yes it is. Does it feel like you are going through hell? heck yes it does (not compared to the perosn you are hurting).

We were married in 1992. We already had 2 kids by then. We were very young and very dumb. We created in the past 20 years a path of emotional, physical and financial destruction. Our oldest of 5 children will graduate in May of 2008, with parents on the brink of yet another seperation. I cannot tell you the pain i feel for the havoc in our lives. There was always a sense of no trust in our relationship. Always the acusations of cheating.. first on his part and then on mine. It has always been a sick relationship. Its truely sad.

When i filed for divorce in May of 2007 things were finally done. We never could afford therapy. We did attempt it a few times, always to complete about 1-2 sessions before I couldnt do it anymore. I bought book after book to save our marriage, I tried to be repentant, sorry, guilty, you name it.. to save the marriage. It just came down to the facts that the injuries were basically fatal. We were seperated 5 months when we began talking on the phone and it seemed like.. maybe I was wrong about filing for divorce. We were for the first time able to TALK and with no pressures.. actually get along. So, we get back together only to find that the seperation was only a bandaid. it covered a cancerous mole only. Since we have been back together for the past 6 months, there has been physical fights, verbal beatings and mental anguish. My H says that had he known HOW hurt he is, he wouldtn have agree'd to getting back together. So now we have kids who have started to heal emotionally, yet parents who are emotionally divorced. (i feel like im rambling).

So when is it finally time to say.. IM HURT, IM ANGRY AND I AM NOT GOING TO GET OVER THE EMOTIONAL PAIN its over???

I can honestly tell you that he can tell me every single offense i have ever committed towards him. every single one.

I dont know. is this as bad to read as it is to live??

It is painful to read, yes...but I'm sure much more painful to live through it. My husband and I are here working through my infidelity and trying to re-build our lives together. I understand the pain and regret and devastation you are feeling for having put the person you love more than anything through this kind of he11. We will never truly understand the pain that the BS goes through, though. We can do everything to make ammends and try to earn their forgiveness...but with all of the lies and serial cheating that you have been guilty of...if he wants to end things, you must not try to hold onto him and cause him even more pain.

But, my biggest concern is the abuse. No matter what you have done, you do not deserve to be physically and mentally abused. Noone does. Your children are grown and should not be subjected to this abuse, either. It will create lasting devastation and permanent damage to them and all of their future relationships. The best thing you can do now is stop the cycle, get them (and you) into therapy, and try to be amicable co-parents after the divorce.

I just don't know that after all the years of abuse on BOTH of your parts that things could ever be repaired. It would take 100% commitment from both of you...and you can only control YOU.

How does he feel about things and what does he say...does he want a D?

L4H, welcome back and very sorry to hear things didn't improve for your marriage. Sadly, sounds a lot like mine.

Question for you.....


When did you stop making excuses?

Did you ever let your husband vent his anger, ever, without you being defensive?

Please let me add that I agree that physical and emotional abuse are marriage killers and that it has to stop.

A lot of people, when they learn of massive betrayals, can be really angry. And it's ok to be angry, if you handle it right.

I'm still learning. My husband was quite a bit like you.

Might I also add that I just read a great thread over on Recoverynation.com. It was called "Through the eyes of a partner: Repentance and Transparency." It would be a great read for anyone that has been effected by infidelity, even once. That thread is in "the recovery forum. "

I think you could benefit greatly from that site as well.

Oh, and one more thing......

Healing from one affair is quite different than what you have done. This site doesn't really address what you and your husband are up against. If you haven't been to recoverynation.com yet, I hope you'll check it out.

Hey L4H.
Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately this seems to be the same thing that is happening to me and my situation right now. I feel that Mrs Rock is starting to do the right thing, but because I really don't know how to deal with all of my emotions, that I am just pushing her away.
It's all so confusing.

Hey
Loving for him.

So sorry that (9 yrs ago) you weren't able to process the information on the site and change your destructive behaviors.
That is a shame.

If I'm following your situation,
you continued to have A's (and other inappropriate contact) even years after being exposed to the MBers program.

Just curious as to why you believe that it really didn't have an effect on your attitudes and actions? (at least not for quite a long time)

But let me state
that even if it is Late in the game,
it is admiral that you seem to Have changed your outlook on cheating.
That can ONLY be a positive in any relationships you have in the future.

Your soooo right,
when you say its about personal integrity!

So for YOUR Own Sake,
please do NOT Ever turn back into the person you once were.
Cause although ingrained habits are tough,
hopefully you've seen enough to Know that the price is not worth it in the end.

Good news is
that you CAN Now apply the principles into your life ....and as a result,
not waste another 9 yrs of your life.

In any case,
your family has my sympathy for the awful place you ALL find yourselves in.

Mopey-- During the seperation of 2007 I was actually able to begin healing. The pressures of being accused of boasting about my infidelity, the pressures of being made to walk around looking and feeling guilty.. were off. I had no one to be accountable to.. except myself.. and God. I attended church, read my bible, read and listened to Joyce Myers.. all a healing time. I learned to like.. ME. I learned that I was special and unique because God made me that way. and that HE loves me no matter what. I was also for the first time able to really look at the shell of a man my soon to be ex-H was. It was then that I was able to see that no matter what the circumstances were in our marriage it never gave me the right to violate my family in that manner. Infidelity.. adultery.. dont care what name you put to it.. its fatal. After the first affair my H shut off all emotion. He felt he was strong enough to get through this and buried all feelings. And we lived in a false world for the next few years til I yet again began hanging out in the bars and began to again live a life of illict behavior.
In 2004 I just finally made the decision to change. I was tired of hating myself and living the fast life. I was tired of hurting my family. Not just tired.. SICK of it. So I did a lot of soul searching and changing. I made it so that I was accountable for ALL my time.. for everything I was doing. I made it so passwords were posted for everything i did.. email, MB, etc. I tried talking with H about how sorry I was and what could i do to help him. He only words were.. "this time I cannot get over this.. and I know about your online stuff too, I cannot and will not be part of this" and he shut down. He then found him a friend whom he talked to regularly (a woman) and here began a different turn. HE was having an emotional affiar.. possibly physical I dont know. But I do know that even though I had committed adultery.. I was very hurt and disgusted over his behavior. So after 2.5 years of living with that business... I called it quits. I wasnt going to let him treat me bad and I was done treating him bad.
My marriage is the WORST it has ever been.. but I know that cheating isnt going to fix it. It isnt even an issue.
also, I tried to apply MB principals in the early days. I was selfish and when it didnt turn my bad marriage into instant fix.. i gave it up until 2004 when I did make a concious decision to use MB principals.. read the books.. etc.. and found that first and formost.. it helped make ME a better person.. and WE cant exsist until HE is a better person. I have allowed him to talk without me getting defensive. I really worked hard to open those doors.. but he is too angry and hurt. He told me with no uncertain terms that he will never allow himself to be that hurt again. PERIOd. thats ok now.. I understand. its just now making that final split and really moving on.

toprope:My behavior destroyed our reltionship. I would never deny that my actions changed him and myself. And unfortunetly.. i think for this marriage.. im definetly a day late and a dollar short.. but I konw that I can probably succeed in other relationshps. Although.. i have no desire to have one.

Hi L4H,

I just saw your post but I'll have to come back to it. I have to leave for awhile, and then clean my house. I'll try to get back on later.

What a mess, hunh?

Extremely messy..

L4H,

From what I gather you had an affair in 1998 and found MB.





This is what I am reading from your post. Correct me if I'm wrong.

You had an affair in 1998 and found MB. You said you tried to use MB principals but when it didn't instantly improve your marriage, you gave up and started with the porn, internet affairs, and booze until your last physical affair in 2004. In 2004 you tried again but your husband says it's too much pain and then he finds comfort in another woman and this goes on til 2007.

First of all, it is obvious to me that you learned absolutely nothing when you found MB because you continued to cheat for SIX MORE YEARS. Why on earth your husband stayed through that I have NO IDEA.

And I personally don't think the time period between 2004 and 2007 were very productive either because it wasn't until you left him in 2007 that you FINALLY realized that "It was then that I was able to see that no matter what the circumstances were in our marriage it never gave me the right to violate my family in that manner."

No wonder your husband didn't feel safe. You didn't even come to the realization of how bad you hurt your husband until you moved out and filed for divorce?

I agree that your husband probably does have tons of pain and anger and that he has NO trust for you. I do not blame him one bit. You had a wayward mindset the entire time, even when you thought you were trying.

I know about the pain and anger. The best thing your husband can do to keep that from killing him is to forgive you regardless of whether or not you deserve it. He needs to do that to release all of that before it kills him.

Why did your husband stay with you while you were cheating all of those years?

Does he want the divorce now too? If he does, you need to give it to him. And his cheating wasn't right either. Doesn't sound like either one of you took precautions that were spelled out on MB. Doesn't sound like you ever got to your core problems.

Do either of you want this marriage?

The abuse, plain and simple, has to stop.

You quit counseling because YOU couldn't take it anymore? What the heck do you think your husband had to put up with?

You sound incredibly selfish to me, sorry, but it's true.

Had you "gotten it" after your first affair, things might be better now.

I think you're right, a day late and a dollar short.

So, what is it that you want to do exactly?