If it's any consolation, this is totally me. We can only do what we can do. We have to take care of ourselves, too. We are doing our best, and, in the end, I know it will be enough.

Hello gents!

Gettin hit hard by the if onlies. URGH! What's done is done. I look back and wonder how much *I* messed our chances for recovery up, AS IF! Why do I question myself. When I think about how much he pushed me away. It was soooo tough, DAILY. I was always just hangin' on. If he never had any intention of doing the heavy lifting, why do this? It just seems cruel to me. I need some time to pass and for him to be out of the house to gain perspective.

What guy said on his thread


...well, this is exactly what I AM dealing with now, and it stinks, except PWC DID SAY he wanted recovery ;he just didn't do the work; and folks, it is HARD WORK! I know Chrisner has experienced this already, so I certainly don't want to diminish what you've survived, but this just stinks, stinks, stinks. The difference is that PWC waffled and waffled and waffled, and pulled and pushed, over and over, one false recovery after another. It's convenient for me to say NOW, but I wish he had just left and stayed away the first time. He's put us all thru h3ll. For WHAT? To end up where we would've ended up anyway.

I can understand waffling once, but three times! I suppose I just never really knew this guy.

So, so sorry, SL. It's a lot to deal with, because it's staring you in the face. Living in your house.

At least I'm in the shelter of my dim (as opposed to dark) plan B, and Chrisner is coming out the other side.

But not you. You come home and there it is, waiting for you. It feels like failure, doesn't it? And it makes you wonder why you put in all that work, why you went through hell only to get here. It sucks beyond all that has ever sucked before.

You know the answers. You did not fail. You went above and beyond for longer than anyone would have. You did things you wouldn't have thought possible yourself. You did it for DS, and for you, and for PWC. You did it out of love and responsibility and the overall goodness that makes you the truly beautiful person that you are.

PWC failed. Is it because he is the bad, shallow, weak person I described? I doubt it, but he's broken in ways that you can't fix. Bad decisions that he can't recover from. At least, not now. Some day, maybe, but you have done all that you can and then some. We all thought he had pulled his head out of his [censored], but he hadn't, or not really.

I agree with you--you need to get him out as soon as you can and get back into a dark plan B. He's toxic to you right now.

Boy, you said it, Guy!

I don't think PWC will ever believe it, but I really did hold out for him, I did do this for him, as well as myself and our son. It's convenient for him to reconcile that I probably just did all this for DS, so leaving ME is no big deal. It still hurts. It's still something to get past.

I dunno. I really just want to be left alone now. It would be different if he would answer all my questions regarding WHY, and relieve me of guessing, even if the answers are things that I don't want to hear. Maybe he STILL doesn't know why he does what he does. He may still be going on feelings. When he's away, he misses us, probably me too. When he's there, living with me, and my pain and the damage to our R, it no feel so nice. So he then wants to leave. Makes my life topsy turvy, but, it's done, and I can't change it.

On a happy note, my dad bought me a ticket to see Robert Plant and Allison Krauss this summer, for "Raising Sand". It is a beautful album, and really speaks to me. It probably resonates with many BS's.

I look forward to the warmer months. I will be busy busy busy, in the yard, garden, with the pool, with friends, and DS will be enrolled in Karate for 10 weeks. Some change is AWFULLY GOOD!

I have nothing to add, really. Guy said it so well.

Know you and DS are in my thoughts, too.

Fox

Grrrrrrrrr.....shovel time!

Divorcengruppen Sniper called me last night. She had just had a bad and nasty conversation with her X. He was drunk again and called her many rotten really vicious things. They divorced over his affair with a bottle and his attempts to find someone to cheat with at Friend Finders. She said you guys at MB really got it right with that Plan B thing. No contact ever, ever, ever.

The Jimmy Hoffa Plan B from the Far Side of Pluto. The ooooooonly way to fly.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......Allison Krauss

I am listening to her live album with Union Station on my laptop while I was reading the new posts.

She has one of the most beautiful voices...she's like a siren.

Yes, mod Plan B for me, most definitely. No intermediary this time. This relationship has run it's course, and I believe it would take an act of God to intervene and change it.
.

Alison Krauss as a siren reminds me of O Brother Where Art Thou? Both for her songs on the soundtrack, which I love, and for my favorite quote: "Them syreens did this to him. They loved him up and turned him into a horny toad."

I love that movie!

and how I would have liked to say...."yer daddy got hit by a train"

Fox

Just 10 weeks? Why not longer?

It's a parks and recs class, so it doesn't run longer than that. It's also a good way to see if DS is going to like it or not. He SAYS he will. We'll see. If he does seem more interested, there are local programs that are private owned.

I wanted to get him into baseball, but I missed the cutoff , and the areas teams (boys and girls) are packed. There is an autumn starter/basics course that I will consider enrolling him in.

SL wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!


Because you're a caring person. Because you're willing to accept your part in the M not working out. Because he's still living with you ever day.Because you ARE healing!

Now get rid of that ST!!!!! You've gone above and beyond.

When is he moving? Put a deadline on it hun! This IS torture for you and DS.

I'm with mvg and everyone else. You have done more than any one person could ahve done, it is PWC's bad choices not yours.

No more ST daggone it !

Hello ladies,

Thanks for setting me straight. Mvg, I think you've hit it dead on. I do care, and still continue to wonder if there was anything *I* could have done.

The truth is, it's over, and I'm just pushing to find some closure. I think about this horrible sitch, and wasting anymore time on PWC. Hopefully, I have a lot of life ahead of me. How much more of it do I want to be devoted to this? No more than is necessary to get over him and move on. I'm not even getting over the man I see before me; I mourn who I THOUGHT he was. Seems silly when I type it out, but it's what I'm dealing with. It's good for me to face the truth.

Life's not all doom and gloom, though. I have friends and a good job, a roof over my head, two cool dogs, lotsa house projects, a garden to putz around in, a pool for to play in when it gets hot, family that cares for me, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I got me some lemons, so I'm gonna use 'em up. Maybe make some cocktails, some fresh fish with lemon, some lemonade, some asparagus with lemon. Now, I'm gettin hungry.

Mornin', SL


I don't think your time was wasted. You spent the energy and heart to be able to accept that you have done everything YOU could for the M to survive. You spent the energy and heart to show your son that HIS family was important enough to TRY.

What does closure look like to you? What is it that you want? What can YOU do to find that closure? What if you don't get that?

Thinking of you , SL.

Fox

SL, PWC left you with a boxcar of lemons. You are going to have to get aggressive to use them up. I suggest:

Coconut Lemon Cake
Coconut Lemon Tarts
Lemon Cloud Pie
Heavenly Lemon Pie
Lemon Chiffon Pie
Lemon Velvet Pie
Shaker Lemon Pie
Lemon Cream Pie
Lemon Meringue Pie
Lemon Fluff
Lemon Mousse
Lemon Nut Bread
Deluxe Lemon Bars
Lemon Squares
Lemon Sherry Cookies
Chocolate Filled Lemon Roll
Fluffy Lemon Cake
Triple Layer Lemon Cake with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting
Lemon Pudding Cake
Lemon Cheesecake
Lemon Poppy Seed Cookies
Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins
Lemon Poppy Seed Shortbread
Lemon Muffins
Lemon Blueberry Muffins
Lemon Date Pecan Muffins
Lemon Refrigerator Cookies
Low Fat Lemon Almond Tea Cookies
Lemon Tea Cakes
Lemon Wafers
Lemon Biscotti
Lemon Cheese Danish
Lemon Burst Biscuits
Lemon Scones
Blackberrry Lemonade
Hawaiian Lemonade
Lemon Ginger Iced Tea
Lemon Vodka
Orange Lemon Tea
Pink Lemonade
Rhubarb Lemonade
Shaker Lemonade
Lemon Jello Salad
Lemon Herb Asparagus
Lemon Broccoli
Lemon Rice
Lemon Pilaf
Lemon Asparagus Rice Pilaf
Lemon Chive Potatoes
Lemon Honey Chicken Breasts
Lemon Honey Chicken Kebabs
One Dish Lemon Honey Chicken Dinner
Lemon Cream Chicken
Lemon Chicken Almondine
Chinese Lemon Chicken
Gina Wilson's Lemon Chicken
Lemon Tarragon Chicken
Roast Lemon Chicken
Greek Lemon Chicken Soup
Lemon Artichoke Chicken Scallopini
Lemon Chicken with Potatoes
Lemon Fried Chicken
Lemon Parsley Scallops
Lemon Parsley Fish Fillets
Lemon Pork Chops
Lemon Shrimp & Ziti
Artichoke Cannelloni with Lemon Bechamel (Vegetarian Friendly)
Lemon Chickpeas Dip
Lemon Mint Dressing
Lemon Walnut Dressing
Lemon Jam
Lemon Fruit Dip
Triple Fruit Marmalade
Lemon Dill Vinegar
Lemon Ice Cream
Lemon Sherbet
Lemon Mint Butter
Picnic Lemon Butter
Lemon Curd (for Scones & Biscuits)


Wow, I feel like Bubba in Forest Gump. Invite me over when you have all these made. I love lemons.

Sounds like I got lotsa work to do, Chrisner! I'm gonna need a drink to go along with all that cookin! Hmmmm, perhaps a wee nip of LEmoncello?

Howdoo, Foxy! Closure will show itself in it's own time, with me continuing my work on getting my head on straight. I really can't be sure what it will be. I'm sure that divorce will be a part of it. I have worked so hard that I don't believe this marriage is salvageable, at this point, like I said, without some divine intervention.

Now, I have a lot of work to do after work tonight, with all the pastries, and main dishes and sides I have to prepare, so I don't have any time to concern myself with PWC.

BTW, he has told me that he is signing lease papers this evening on a basement apartment close to where I live. It's a good neighborhood. Hopefully, this whole moving mess will be over soon.

Ah.....yes, you have become so wise. That was a test, and you passed with flying colors. Just wanted to make sure that you are not waiting for closure based on something PWC does or does not do. HE doesn't drive the Closure Bus.



I hope that will bring you some peace.

You are doing well, SL.

Fox

I feel some relief letting go of PWC, or rather, letting go of this hope. It's been a burden sometimes, to carry hope around when it was constantly being attacked, not built upon, but attacked. Each day that passed that I went untouched, every day that went by without feeling at all close, it just picked away at the hope. Each time I reached out to him, to get a flacid response, just pecked away at me.

I would battle back, for a long, long time, fighting the negativity in my mind and heart, along with making outward changes, waiting out the withdrawal (that never ended?), waiting to feel that tug on the rope, waiting for my existence to matter to him again. My pain mounted, due to his lack of engagment, so I had to battle that. It all just kept getting harder and harder, not easier, like I've read so many times. I never saw the light come on behind his eyes. Battle on, I'd say. What the heck was I fighting, anymore? It seemed only the inevitable was left to fight, and so it was.

HE came home, so I thought, no matter what, we would recover. He CHOSE to come home, without one word or tug from me (Plan B) It never occurred to me that, once he made that choice, that we would fail. I kept thinking this (new development, or nondevelopment, as it were) is just something not many people have come across here at MB. More and more, as he withdrew, it became clear that I was dealing with a completely different animal, and we COULD fail. It always felt like he wasn't there.

I feel exhausted just thinking about it. Thanks for letting me let all this out here. I know it just keeps coming, but it's a lot of disappointment.