I haven't posted in ages--but the short story is after a 5 year LTA, H got OW pregnant, we have limited contact due to distance, OC is 2 years old, our M is still a work in progress. We have arrived at a way of handling things (for the moment anyway!) which involves us visiting every 3 to 4 months for 3 days--OW and OC are 6000 miles away from where we moved to right after d-day--a planned move which was supposed to facilitate their "break-up"--LOL.

I guess I'm posting to see how other people are coping after a few years out. We weather the demands and craziness of OW, have a fine visit with OC with just OC, H and me, negotiate how much H and OW have contact and agree that they are never alone--they talk during pick up and drop off in day care or a restaurant--I don't stay for the hellos and updates--OW hates having me around her and I don't want to be her friend.

But I feel like the constant drama and feelings involved around OC makes for less time for work on the reasons for the infidelity--there just isn't time in the week for deep discussions about all this, plus OC, plus work, plus our family, plus just doing ordinary couple things which are good for our R--H is being a very good mate, fights we have are ordinary marital, 30 year marriage disagreements if you know what I mean--but I still feel like I sleep with one eye open. Will the slight paranoia and deep hurt ever really disappear?

Don't want to sound doom and gloom--I realize this situation makes one's marriage and R completely different, changed, and for me more prickly. But most of life is pretty ordinary--and I don't trust ordinary anymore.

Oh well, glad to be back and posting again. I try to follow people's stories--so sorry for all the heartache.

I don't know you 25harriet, but I'm 7 1/2 years out and things improve with time.
Although we have nc, ow manages to 'keep it alive' with a variety of things ~ sigh ~
The deep hurt lessens.
The sleeping with one eye open, well I haven't done that since year 3 I think. I suppose it's normal at first. A reflex so to speak.

Although everyone is different in their choices, I agree w/ Dr. Harley, that nc is better for the marriage as it allows things to recover without interference from the drama associated w/contact. I honestly would never have done well if we had c and do not believe I'd have remained married.
BTW it's 34 years for us and I understand the 'normal' married arguements lol~


Perhaps you could carve an hour or two each week for conversations that are private between you and your H. It is important you let your feelings known. Try turning off the evening news and spend an hour talking~

God Bless You~

It is nice to hear that some of us old timers have made it. My d-day was 1996. No contact since. Married since 1972.