I found out a week ago today. I'm still crushed but am finally able to eat and sleep a little again. We've been married for 3 years (common law) and have a 2 year old daughter. He's been working a lot of long hours trying to get a new business up and running. This was something I also helped with as much as I had time. It was our dream. But I was starting to complain about him not coming home till 10 or 11 o'clock almost every night. By then he was too tired for conversation, sex, anything. So we were fighting a lot and I was getting pretty demanding. Then about a month ago, he hires a new secretary who is young and single. The first time I met her I got weird vibes from her like she was shocked that I introduced myself as his wife. But then the next time I saw her, she was all cocky and strutting around like she owned the place. At the same time, my WH is very standoffish when we are around her. He even freaked out one time when I kissed him there, saying it was a place of business. But he'd always been affectionate with me there before. So I'm starting to wonder, what the H**L and confronted him, and when he denied everything, I talked to her. She said there was nothing going on, but told him what I said, and he was furious. That's when he started staying out till 2 or 3 in the morning. He didn't come home at all 3 times. When that happened, I gave him an ultimatum, start acting like a husband and father, or get out. I know.. huge mistake. Well, he left. He rented an apt over the shop but insisted he still loved me and wanted us to be a family, this would just give him the space to work on the business without having to fight with me every night over how late he worked. I was devastated but tried to accept what he said as the truth. About a week later, he hadn't been back to see me or our daughter. He didn't answer any of my phone calls and only called me back twice. So I showed up at the shop and said we need to talk. We went up to the apt and he told me he wanted a divorce. No there was no one else, he just hadn't been happy with me in a long time, and he didn't think we would ever get that spark back. I was so upset but still suspicious. He got a phone call and I went to the bathroom. Her stuff (the secretary's) was all over the bedroom and bathroom! I felt like someone punched me in the stomach!! He still tried to deny it, but eventually admitted they were seeing each other, but had not had sex. In fact, he said he first kissed her the night before. But he said she had been staying there almost since he moved in the week before and sleeping in the one bed.. but no sex??? He said they stayed up talking and how nice it was to have someone just listen and not judge or demand or expect anything. He was very cold telling me all this, like surprised I was so hurt. He was cold to me all last week too. Then on Easter, I left him a message about how the baby was playing at the park, and how it just wasnt' the same without him with us. He showed up right after that, and saw our girl for the first time in 2 weeks. He looked determined and was very careful not to look at me or talk to me. I cried a little, but not hysterically like on all my phone messages the week before. I had been reading about plan a, and that is what I'm trying even though I haven't seen him again since then. But we have talked every day this week, and he has softened a lot. Like saying he does still care, he just doesn't miss the fighting. He also says he's not in love with that girl, I mean he's only known her a month! And that she parties and doesn't have custody of her 4 year old son and that's not really what he wants out of life. Couldve fooled me, since he's out partying with her almost every night of the week! But he says he thinks about us all the time. I asked if he wanted me to just let go of him and he said no, but I feel like he has his cake and is eating it too. I mean, he gets the single lifestyle and a young mistress, but knows the little wifey and family is just waiting at home for him! It's really hard for my pride to go through all this!! And of course my heart, when I lay in bed at night, cuddling our baby, thinking of him and her together, it just rips my heart out!!! How do you deal with this pain???

I guess I will tell you more about what I'm trying to do and maybe I will get some feedback on whether I'm on the right track. When all this first happened, I was so out of it, crying, shaking, vomiting, no sleep, no food.. I couldn't even take care of myself let alone my baby, so my mom made me go to the doctor. He put me on effexor, xanax, and trazadone. I'm just now able to eat a little, liquid stuff mainly, and sleep a few hours at night. I haven't been in to work since. I'm tormented day and night of the thought of them together. I found some pics of them on our email. In one he had his arm around her and was kissing her in another! I don't know the date they were taken but one of his "friends" emailed them to him over the weekend. Now I know for sure that he has been trying to get people to think we broke up a while back. Those pictures are burned in my memory forever! I've had thoughts of suicide, and even briefly of going in and shooting them! I was shocked as these thoughts went through my mind, but the pain of betrayal is just so bad.

I called last night so the baby could hear his voice on the machine, and tell him goodnight. She was cooing and laughing when she heard her daddy's voice. I said we love you and miss you. Then I hung up and cried.

Am I handling this right? I want him to miss us, and wish he was back in bed with us, instead of her. He says he misses us, but still doesn't call or answer if its after she gets off work.

Please help me know what would be the next step to take. I'm reading all the material on here but am just so lost.

bump up for help for sadgirl!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thank you Miss M. Also, I have exposed to everyone I could think of. Most people have a very calous attitude of how it's a shame how many marriages are breaking up these days, but these things happen. The few that have been very sympathetic have confronted him immediately about what the H*LL is he doing, and he has lied to them, about how unhappy we've been and that he told me months ago that it was over, it's just taken some time to be able to financially move out. Oh and he says this has nothing to do with the OW. He was very angry when I called her a homewrecker to one of our friends.

Should I keep calling him for the baby to say goodnight? It hurts because I know why he's not answering, but I want him to look forward to getting the messages in the morning. And maybe he will miss them when I go into plan b.

He seems happy with her, but doesn't profess love like many WS on here. He says she lets him be himself, whereas I always had expectations and demands. This is partly true. I think I was too controlling, looking back. But their relationship is based mainly on drinking, partying, and probly sex, so it really can't last,can it? I keep thinking if I show him I can be the one to meet his needs, and then just wait out their affair, then he will come back to us.

He's always been a great father, and now he's only seen our daughter once since he moved out 2 weeks ago. THat's got to be killing him. But I made it very clear I don't want the OW around her. I know the party lifestyle that she leads is really not what he wants in life, so maybe he will get his fill soon. Also she smokes cigarettes and pot, both of which he hates.. won't that start getting on his nerves at some point? I hope so.

But I don't just want to sit around and hope he gets sick of her, I want to being doing something! I'm just not sure what!! Please help..

Sadgirl,

Get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as possible. Read up on, and get going on a Plan A.

Does the OW have family? Her parents could be a high level exposure target. She sounds wild enough that she may be out of their control but it is worth a try.

You say she is 23 but did not mention your ages.

Review Mark’s Manual Thread here.

Mark's Repair Maunal


This is Mark’s excellent breakdown on Plan A

Plan A: This is a specific plan that is based on the ideas presented by Dr Harley. It is designed to do two things, both of which have as their primary goal the end of the affair and yet neither aspect of the plan ensures the end of the affair. This plan can be described as the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

1) The Carrot of Plan A.
a. This is really a self-examination and self-improvement program.
i. Attempt to discover the wayward spouse’s top ENs
ii. Do all that you can, based on what the WS allows to meet these needs
b. Identify Love Busters in your own behavior
i. Discover what it is that you do that causes your spouse to be unhappy.
ii. This includes Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments and Independent Behavior as the primary problems to be overcome
iii. Eliminate these LBs from your day to day existence. Notice that the total elimination of these is the goal, not just getting better at avoiding them.
2) This is not the time to attempt to resolve long standing issues in the marriage other than LBs and only as they apply to your own behavior.
3) No commitment from the WS to recovery can or should be expected as it will be failed expectations that will cause you to lose hope.
a. No discussions of the relationship are necessary in order to carry out Plan A
b. The WS does not have to buy into the MB concepts for you to execute Plan A.
4) The Stick of Plan A.
a. Exposure of the real trouble between you, that is the affair, needs to occur so that others around both of you understand what is going on.
i. If the affair partner is married, their spouse should always be informed since they too have to take actions based on reality and not the false information they already believe.
ii. The family of the WS needs to know what is going on so that the reality is known before the WS can give any spin to your “problems.”
iii. If the affair partners work together, their employer should be informed, especially if company resources such as telephones, cell phones and computers are being used to communicate or other company assets are being abused such as lunches etc.
b. Prepare for the most hateful things to be said to you that you have ever heard.
i. You will be told that there was a chance for the marriage, but that now that chance is gone (ignore this)
ii. You will be told that you had no right to call the AP’s spouse and tell them the truth (ignore this too)
iii. You will be told that you are interfering and trying to control your spouse and this is why they are leaving you (Yep, you can ignore this as well)
5) Defend the marriage and the family from the WS’s actions
a. Do not allow the children to have contact with the affair partner.
b. Do not finance the affair in any way
i. Do not pay for an apartment for WS to live in
ii. Do not Move out of the marital home and establish your own separate residence
iii. Do not pay for baby sitters so that WS can meet with AP.
iv. Do not pay for cell phones or LD calls so that the APs can remain in contact.
v. Do not allow the family funds or marital assets to be diverted to the affair.
c. Do not enable the affair to continue
i. Do not allow the affair to be rubbed in your face.
ii. If WS calls OP in your presence, respectfully request that they stop because it is disrespectful to you. You don’t have to blow up to do this. Just say it.
iii. Make plans for family time and request that the WS be present. Basically monopolize their time so they can’t get together.
6) Reassure the children that you will always be there for them
a. Do not defend the actions of the WS, but do not constantly complain to the children about it either
b. Step up and become the primary care giver of the children.
c. Do NOT under any circumstances allow the WS to move out and take the children without a court order to force the issue.
7) Seek legal counsel to determine your rights and what you need to avoid in order to stay out of trouble.
a. If The WS decides to leave, this can include a legal separation agreement
b. It could also perhaps include an order of protection to prevent the AP from coming around your home and children.
c. It does not have to include filing for a divorce at this time.


PS: Mark, that thread is good stuff. - chrisner

Sadgirl:
You've done the first important step...
Gotten some medical help for YOU! I was there back in Dec. Discovered H was having year long affair with a woman he met online on a sex site. I was devastated and disgusted. I couldn't eat, sleep, operate. My DS13 was more of an adult here than I could be. I have gone from a large size 12 jeans to a size 6. I joke now that this was the only good thing to come out of this tragedy. I lost that "baby" weight I could not shed for years!
H is home now and we are in counseling. He realized on his own that he wanted his family most, but it was only after I told him that I had given up on him. I told him that I knew I had no say in how often he saw OW while we were separated and if I told him "NOT TO" he would run there anyway just to spite me. I told him he was going to do whatever he wanted BUT...I hoped he realized that it was a 2 way street. While we were separated, I had the right to go out too and look for someone who would love me and NOT play around and treat me so bad. (A little reverse psychology maybe??) Anyway, surprise, surprise when he calls here in 2 days begging to come home. Left OW with only a "dear John" email.
Put yourself first. Read Surviving an Affair and keep counsol with your doctor. Keep your fluid intake up so you don't get sick from dehydration. You DD needs you too. I know it's hard. My next advice may sound too painful but you need to show H that you won't be wallowing in your misery. Change your door locks and make copies of EVERYTHING you find. I have copies of all emails I found and info found even now. WS have a way of turning facts around to benefit themselves and this will cover your butt if things do progress to divorce (and God willing they won't).
Stay strong and we are here if you need more advice.
~wadeallie

Sad,

You mentioned that your marriage was common law. I have to ask if the state you live in recognizes common law marriages, because all do not.

Certainly you need to start a good plan A (you can read up on that on this website), but given the situation, I would also consult an attorney to make sure that your WH will be held accountable for his financial responsibilities.

Honestly, this really does sound like a fling that will not last long, but certainly, if your marriage is to recover there is much work to be done.

Who

yes common law marriage is legally recognized here. If you live together more than 6 months, you are considered married and have to divorce.

Are you in the United States?

I cannot imagine any state that uses 6 months as a metric.

The courts would be absolutely FULL of "divorcing" people.

Six months....are you sure it isn't six YEARS?

committed

Edit: Since posting I have discovered that time is not used to determine this. Also, only 10 states recognize common law marriages.

************edit**************

In most states (if not all), there is no time limit.

I should have edited my post when I discovered that. I started a thread on that issue.

However...there is not a "most" or "all". Only 10 states recognize common law marriages.

committed

*******************edit**************

sadgirl,

I am so sorry about your heartbreak, and like the others I suspect that the affair will not last. But let's talk a second about what you can do, and what's important for you to do.

How he sees you: Right now, his perception of you is a weeping, crying emotional wreck. Most of us have been there and it's a pretty normal reaction, but now....you have to fight. In order to be able to fight....you've got to stand tall and get control of your emotions. You want to look attractive, beautiful, confident and independent. You want to present a calm and determined persona who can and will live without him if he chooses this bimbo.

Addressing problems: You say that you were demanding and critical. In the interaction you have now with your husband, you must demonstrate your ability to change those things. Be very careful about lovebusters, and begin to express your pain in a way that won't make you look desperate to have him back.

Contact: Do not call him alot or chase him. When you do talk to him be pleasant. Anytime you can expose him to the baby....do it and tell him how much she misses him. Send him pictures of her doing cute things. Don't tell him you love him and miss him alot. Do not have sex with him, even if you want to....however, you can be affectionate and flirty.

Appearance: Look your best. Get involved in the part of your life that isn't dependent on him. See your friends. Visit your family. Get out of the house. Do not give the appearance of waiting or pining away for him. Do things with your daughter so that when you see him you can tell him how much fun you were having. Show him that you are a far more attractive alternative to a pot smoking, cigarette stinky, immature, promiscuous.....ewwwww.

Don't love bust....because that will give her lots of opportunity to do it! Hold your head up. Be graceful and the wonderful mother of his child. Eventually.....he'll get a clue.

Hang in there sweetie.

copied from the state website.. the six months comes in as the point where you can legally file your taxes together as married filing jointly. We filed this way the last 3 years.


COMMON LAW MARRIAGE
A common law marriage in Colorado is valid for all purposes, the same as a ceremonial marriage. It can be terminated only by death or divorce. The common law elements of a valid marriage are that the couple (1) is free to contract a valid ceremonial marriage, i.e., they are not already married to someone else; (2) holds themselves out as husband and wife; (3) consents to the marriage; (4) cohabits; and (5) has the reputation in the community as being married. The single most important element under common law was the mutual consent of the couple presently to be husband and wife. All the rest was considered evidence of this consent or exchange of promises. The only time requirement necessary was time enough reasonably to establish these circumstances. When proof of common law marriage is required, such as by an insurance company, a signed affidavit can be presented. For a sample affidavit, click here.

Common law marriage is a term used to describe a marriage which has not complied with the statutory requirements most states have enacted as necessary for a ceremonial marriage. The name came from the fact that these marriages were recognized as valid under the common law of England. In 1877, the United States Supreme Court stated, in an action which questioned the validity of a nonceremonial marriage, that marriages which were valid under common law were still valid unless the state passed a statute specifically forbidding them. Meisher v. Moore, 96 U.S. 76 (1877). Since the Colorado legislature has never enacted such a statute, Colorado is part of the minority of states which recognize the validity of common law marriages.

OK, so does your WH consider it a valid CLM? Have you ever had to present any of the type of evidence referenced?

I only ask because I am wondering if there is any chance that your WH will try to claim that he never considered himself married to you.

Who

Yes, that was one of the first things he said to people when I started to expose. But I had our tax returns handy, where we filed as married. I also reminded him how he has introduced me for years, as his wife. So he's pretty much given up that argument. I think it was to help him justify all this in his own mind, but also to not look like such a jerk to others.

Thank you for all of your supportive words and helpful insights. I'm really trying to hold on to the opinion that this is a short lived fling. I see the cracks in their relationship already, if you can even call it that. He announced last night that she had quit smoking. I was shocked and said that quick? But then he backtracked and said, well, she still smokes but a lot less, and she is going to quit. I know he finds it repulsive so I'm sure he is pressuring her to quit. I wonder how long she will be ok with that? I remember her saying at one point that she is such a tough chainsmoking b**ch, that they will have to pry the cigarette out of her cold dead hand before she will ever quit! Nice, huh? Also, when I reiterated that I didn't want our baby around her, he said, what do you think she would do to her? I said, who knows? She could be a pedophile or a drug dealer. He was like Nooooo.. that's riduculous. I said, and how do you know that's ridiculous? You've only known her about 6 weeks now, and she doesn't have custody of her own son.. why? Do you really want to take that chance? He finally answered no way.

So we didn't see each other all week but we talked almost every day. He called me about half the time, usually with some trumped up excuse, like, have you seen those black shoes of mine? Yesterday was the first time he saw the baby and I since Easter. We talked for almost 3 hours while the baby was sleeping. We held hands at the end of this. He says he misses how we used to be such good friends. He says he wants that back. But still insisted he didn't want to get back together as more than friends because he is afraid that we would just revert to fighting all the time. I didn't pressure or beg. I mainly listened.

I am trying to work on me. I've lost 10 lbs already and I could tell he noticed yesterday. He has gained at least that much in the last few weeks. I'm going to counseling and I've started going back to the church we used to both attend. I sent him a picture of the baby and I as we headed out the door to church. He called me immediately and said we both looked beautiful.

So far, so good, huh?

Oh, and he is 43, I am 39.

I was feeling a little better yesterday. Planning a hike this afternoon with friends and just humming along cleaning house and loving on my little angel. Instead of all the nasty, gut wrenching pictures that had been in my head for weeks now of them together, I was picturing them fighting over her not wanting to be forced to make changes like quitting smoking, only 2 weeks into the relationship. But then a friend called, and said he'd seen them riding together in her car and wondered what was going on. (he obviously hadn't heard yet) So my spirits plummetted and I felt so sick all over again. I hate the thought of them riding to... where? Dinner? The movies? Back to his place???? Aaaaaagh!!! But I kept trying to remind myself that maybe it wasn't all peachy, maybe they were fighting during that ride. I know he is very low on money since he hasn't been paying attention to the business since she came into the picture. In fact, his truck got repossessed 2 days ago! So he's got to be really stressed and embarassed about that. It just hurts so much to think about them together...

sadgirl,

I think you are doing exceptionally well. I know it's heartwrenching to imagine them together, but just keep imagining the stess and conflict that is entering the relationship and keep working on your own life and changes. I'm encouraged by your last two posts, and I think you should be too.

I have a hunch you'll get another chance to reconcile....if you still want him by then.

thank you so much for the encouragement starfish!!! I'm trying to stay hopeful and look at the positives. It's a constant battle but I think I'm making progress. I'm back to work now, and am starting to exercise again. (I used to be in very good shape up until the baby was born) I've already lost 10lbs just from being too sick to my stomach to eat, but I know that's not healthy so I'm starting to lift weights again and then finally join some of my friends who always invite me to do things like hike or ski or whatever. I made my family my whole life and now that he's not here, I feel empty. But I'm trying to fill up that hole with positive things. I think that the anti-depressents are finally starting to kick in, not just the sedatives they gave me to start with. I'm feeling slightly calmer and less tragically sad..