My husband has constatnly compared me to his dead wife. I am raising her son along with my two from a previous and our two little ones.. She was more beautiful than me, more sexual, etc.. for the last four years... THe four counselors we have seen told me to hold on that it was an addiction and a reaction to her tragic death in front of him due to her drunkeness. He says he no longer feesl that way.. but i have survived four years of being told she was so much better and that it was ok because that was then, this is now but if he had to compare.. she exceeded... he says through counselling that he realizes it was a fantasy.. but the daily weekly, etc comparisons where she was superior to me especially in the physical and sexual arena has done damage to me... how can he remove all vestiges of her from our life when i am raising her son ( who looks just like her.. he doesn't remember her.. he was just 5 months old)... I learned all of this when we had been married only two months.. it has been four years...his last counselor tells me that he still hold much pride that he had someone in their physical and sexual pride she was 20-25 in their marriage.. i am now 43 this month and we have two small children ... i do not believe him that his opinion has changed...I believe she will always be eterenally young and beautiful.. ia m not an ugly person.. 5'7", 135 lbs, size 6.. used to do modelling.. but i do not evoke the feelings that she did.. how can he resign himself to life without her when he has her child.. and she only lives in his head.

how do you restor e the relationship after emotional infidelity in his head.. how will i ever know he is not still thinking about her and that i am what he wants .. not just a secondary substitute for what he wants.. it is not like he can physically chose me over her...he was advised to go to her grave and tell her about me and that he chooses me.. but he refuses to do that.. he has never seen the gravestone.. too much trauma to him..i am so ready to bolt.. i have spend thousands of dollars on counselling to have him spend the last four years to work on his self esteem so that he will not need her fantasy ( yes,, it was a fantasy.. she was a high school drop out and a drunk and unemployed.. i have a phd and make good money and am a good mother) SHe was chunky with a bad body shape.. already told you about me.. and he says he see that now.,.. but after four years of hearing how much better she was.. i do not believe him... how would i ever know.. do people ever really get over the death of a spouse and appreciate their new spouse as much.. or is it always a curse and they can only speak good of the dead.. to the detriment of their currenbt relationship who are told to just accept it as part of the mourning process.. help.. i can not find anyone to help me!!

How long was the interval between her death and the start of your relationship with him?

You know, what your marriage may need is for him to get some grief counseling. Right now, it may be that he needs that more than the two of you need marriage counseling. Just a thought.

nine years between her death and the start of a relationship with me.. with a failed three year marriage in those nine years also.. we tried marriage counselling and he has done individual counselling but they all have given him permission to hold these loftier ideas above me and to express them to me in speaking the truth.. i can not do it anymore.. and the worst part is that she was not a supermodel.. i am and alwaysh have been more attractive than her.. he just needs to remember her as such in order to validate himself. i can't do it anymore.. is there any GOOD materials out there regarding dealing with widows or widowers in second marriages?

My twin brother's wife was murdered back in 1992 and he didn't remarry until 2000.

He never speaks of his late wife, ever.

did he have children with her?

Are there any GOOD materials out there regarding dealing with widows or widowers in second marriages? I am so tired of being a default wife.. with his whole life wrapped up in her and her son.. He pays for all my stepson's stuff with money he recieves under a death benefit.. He pays for nothing for our two children together.. He says he can't afford to.. I make ten times more a month than him Literally.. I just feel so lost.. he an excuse or justification for everthing he does.

If I had to guess, his actions are more about his lost youth/past than just about her. It can get complicated. But there's not much you can do about that. All you can do is offer a better alternative. I would start by setting some boundaries on what you consider his belittling of you. Would it be fair for you to say 'hon, I think you're not good looking enough. I wish you were like my last husband.'? Of course not. But YOU will have to point that out to him. Not as a DJ (put down), but as an honest statement of your feelings whenever he says such a thing. You have to establish a pattern of not accepting it.

He compares, you say something like 'when you do that, I feel bad, and I don't want to feel bad, so I would like you to see me for everything I offer. What do you like about me?' Don't let him get out of discussing it with you. If he says he doesn't want to, say 'ok, what would be a good time for you to discuss it?' You have to let him know how important it is to you, and let him know that if he doesn't understand it, your resentment will grow, and you don't want that.

Basically, you have to tell him that you deserve respect, and then act on it. If he refuses to deal with it, tell him 'every time you compare me to her, I am going to leave the room to collect my thoughts, so I can recharge and feel good about myself.' Your absence will make a big point.

That said, you need to be honest about what you're bringing to the table. Are you everything you can be in a wife? Do you know what your LBs are? Can you stop them? Do you know what his ENs are? Are you providing them?

Having kids puts a real damper on the feelings of love in the early years of a marriage, and you have to try extra hard to keep those good feelings going. Especially with a blended family. Get out of your rut, plan new things, make like fun again.

Sometimes I think the best thing is to stop fighting it.

Maybe something like "You're right. I'm nothing like her. But I love you, and beCAUSE I love you, I'm sorry she made choices that hurt you and (insert her son's name) and left you alone.

I'm honored that you chose me to be your companion and to help you raise (insert son's name), but I'm here by choice and I have feelings and worth and I mean something to these children.

But...there's something you may not have thought about...had she lived, with her drinking...the marriage may not have lasted anyway. She passed away beFORE any more damage was done. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened.

So...I suggest you honor her by raising your children in a secure marriage so that they can grow up happy and confident and knowing they are loved by a father AND a mother because I believe that's how she would have wanted it."

I know...it's too much to say...I just feel for you and hope it works out. I can't imagine her son getting past losing both mothers.

all of the last four therapists say he does not want to deal in reality as to the past relationship.. he wants and needs to remember it a certain way... and in order to put ANY value on it he has to belittel me.. because even without trying i so far exceed anyuthing she ever could have been... I have looked at my LB.. he claims my only LB is not allowing him to love both of us... and for confronting him about my denigration by his words that he says in comparison to her.... I am so hurt.... He says he no longer does the comparisons in his mind.. and that on paper he realizes that i exceed.. but his actions have not aligned with such .... he also says there was just something about her... I have finally gotten to the point that i am no longer trying to be the person he wants.. i am just being me...and I am realizing that NONE of my needs or desires are being met.... and it terrifies me that i have made such a bad mate chopice and creeated two beautiful children with such a defective person who will never appreciate or love them due to hisa infatuation with himself, her and their child

i can't be happy and secure as a woman knowing he feels so limited towards me and reserving his best for the shadow of a dead drunk 10th grade educated unfaithful dead wife.. she was so unfaithful.. he is not even sure if the child we are raising is his? How can i be happy and secure if that is his version of good.... how low must he value me if i am below that person in his eyes.. If that extremely low version of appropriate behaviour in a relationship is good... how little does he value or even see my worth.. if that white trash was better?

I own my own business. i pay all the bills, I take off every day at 3 or 4 to take care of the kids, i coook good healthy meals 5-6 nights a week that we eat as a family.. i take the kids to church .. all five even when he is working....

Help me see why i should accept that i am lower than that dead wife.. help me understand why I should allow him to value me as below what i should deserve.. help me understand how i can be happy and feel secure and safe knowing he so undervalues me

I don't know. I can tell you that by jumping on the bandwagon and defending yourself, you are quite likely helping to aggravate and perpetuate the problem. Every try to take candy away from one of your kids? What do they do?

Perhaps your husband needs some validation, is what I was trying to explain in my previous post.

"Yes, it's unfortunate. She made some bad choices, but she was young and sometimes bad things happen when we drink." And then maybe something like "I feel sorry for her that she cannot see (fill in son's name) grow up. I will try to honor her memory by being a good mother to him."

This bashing her to force your husband to see how good you are is not going to win him over. It's only going to make him hang on all the harder.

Maybe you and the kids could plant a tree in her memory and plant some flowers around it this spring. It might go a long way in helping your husband see how selfless you are.

So, my advice is to stop comparing her to you. It has to start with you. And my next advice is to insist on not being insulted or put down. Leave the room, and TELL him why you're leaving. When you stay and put her down or defend yourself, you're not making headway. That strategy isn't working. It isn't productive, so stop.

Choose to instill peace and harmony in your home. Raise the bar as far as what kind of treatment you will accept. Create some boundaries.

Run your life by your OWN moral code, and not by anything else.

This reminds me of an earlier time in my marriage when he and I both would bash each others' parents. It wasn't until we both agreed to stop doing it that we could see our parents in an objective light and not from a defensive stance.

I fear that these kind of remarks are going to crop up in real life.

How sad it would be if you were to make these remarks to that innocent child if they place their biological mother in some type of exalted status.

Sometimes it is hard to compete with a ghost. It doesn't matter what type of individual she was to him, he is going to hold her in some type of exalted status.

I am not saying that it is right for him to make statements like you have mentioned.

It is possible for there to be room in his heart for you AND her. He might feel somewhat responsible for her death. He could be thinking that he could have prevented it.

It is his to own.

Stop measuring yourself against her.

committed

This man has committed adultery in his heart. Jesus said if you have done it in your heart you are as guilty as if you actually did it. Even God doesn't expect you to stay with a man who has done and continues to do this to you.

Get out while you can.

They have 5 kids, and it's never as easy as that.

And to one of those children, she is the only mother he's ever known and he isn't hers and quite possibly not HIS either.

It's never as easy as that when children are part of the mix and little hearts stand to be broken.

The man has some problems. He needs grief counseling and IC - as does she to bolster herself up again. I'm not convinced divorce is the answer.

i have only had jake since he was 9.. he is not a good parent to him and marginal to my tow from a previous and the therapist told me to arrange to have someone else care for the two little ones other than him and to get a nanny cam for all other times.. He was sstaying home with the 3 year and 18 mth old... so i don't kinow how much of a loss it would be to everyone.. Jake resents me and has been told the fantasy of his wonderful beautiful wife and told explicitly by his father AND his paternal grandmother that his father will NEVER love me the way that he loved his mother. Jake has regularaly expressed that he would prefer to be the "token Love child(his father's word)" and that they lived without me.. so that he could be the center of attention and not have to share with my children who he has been told are defective ( although they are gifted and talented... and he struggles ( possibly as a result of fetal alcohol.. my guess.. due to anger and attention and other issues)) by his paternal grandmother..

I want to believe that my husband has gotten over the fantasy he created about this defective person that he was married to and had a child(?) with ... He was told to always remember her in the light of the truth of the situation in order to avoid going back to the fantasy.. in order to justify and deal with his unjustified at this point..grief.. the word that i state in unglamorous way about her are not my word but his owrds during his 3 years of discovery of the truth about her.. but he always goes back to he loved her more until very recently when i told him 4 years was enough and either it was her or me.. he left for one day and then returned saying he would continue counselling and would make it all up to me... he has not used her memory to beat me up anymore since 6 months ago.. but he has not treated me even as good as he did when he was in full swing of idolizing her.. even used to have sex with her in his sleep , while i was in the bed.. called out in his sleep telling her to forgive him for meing with me and having a baby that should have been theirs while dreaming...my life has been insane..

As part of the therapy he was to discover the truth of her and their relationship, so he could stop overvaluing it and begin to value me as he should as a wife.... he would make the realizations, make the truth statements to me.. tell my vlaue.. often exceeding to hers.. but to do such would make him mad and then he would take it back and say that she still was supoerior in the looks and sex department....

I am having a hard time believeing that he has made a permanent change.. his actions toward me do not justify my trust.. he has not made amends nor does he intend to.. because that would mean bringing up the past and he simpoly wants to move forward and not address the HELL he put me through,, claiming it was hell for him too... BUT HE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON!!@!!... HE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO WAS HELD TO A SUBSTANDARD UNDER VALUED VIEW>>

PLEASE HELP

I do not bash her..But i have held my ground that she was not better than me and never would be and if he can not see that then he need s to go be alone with her memory and not me...

WE have stopped talking about her.. but i live with four years of daily having been told that my husband values her in every way over me and no amends to tell me that he not longer holds these views..

I live with she was best then.. you are best now.... but if i had to compare the two.. i loved her more.. she was sexier and had a better more sexual body to my liking that i would chose everyday over you and therefore i do not value your looks or body or sexual attractiveness nor feel it for you likie i know i am capable of with an individual!!

I can't keep doing this unless he is somehow able to show me that things have changed.., words and actions.. rectifing past comments removing beliefs he has placed in my head.. expressing remorse for the fantasy beliefs he held and how they hurt me and that he no longer holds any of them to be true... or i want out

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but you need to put your kids first. MB says otherwise, but I've seen too many women fail to protect their kids against rotten men. Is he really as bad a stepfather as you say (or are you just angry right now)? Too many women make the mistake of marrying men who turn out to be bad fathers or stepfathers and they stay anyway. Or worse, they end up subjecting their kids to a string of bad stepfathers. Don't be one of those!

You said he started to change a little when you threatened to leave. Maybe he needs another scare. Be willing to walk if he's not willing to change, not only toward you but toward the kids, too. And if he is willing, try to find a marriage counselor who isn't an idiot. Maybe you should just do the MB phone counseling and forget about finding an in-person one (unless of course there's an MB counselor in your area.)

I wouldn't worry about your stepson being an obstacle to working things out if you choose to do so, though. If his father decides he wants to work things out, your stepson will eventually accept it, too. I have a feeling he's just parroting things his dad is saying. It's really up to his dad, not you, to talk to him and make him okay with this. You should make it clear to your husband that how his son copes with the new marriage depends primarily on him (your husband), and that you don't blame the boy.

i don't blame the boy.. i just have 4 other biological children to protect..

i am having a hard time doing the MB and LB issues knowing all that my H has expressed that he feels (felt) without any conversation that it has changed and that he not only values me know.. but that he no longer values that defective person and relationship ( for whatever purpose...)

He will not go back to counselling..I am just now getting him to listen to the MB book on CD.. but he refuses to do the assignments at the end of the chapter with me... syas too tired and too busy

OH yeah.. after we got married and in dealing with these dreams that started the whole discussion of his feelings that he failed to tell me about prior to marriage.. he was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar ... mainly depressive... and i have spend over 20K in his counselling alone and in his doctors and medication

He can not support jake and himself on his salary.. so i suppose that he stays and tells me what i want to hear, in part to maintain a standard of living and roof over their head.. he does not contribute one dime to OUR two children... nor the household

when he left before... 6 months ago.. he told Jake that he had to leave because I and the counselors would not allow him to still love his dead ex.. how special

He has been told to get Jake in counselling.. he met with one counselor and did not like her then dropped the issue... Jake steals and lies and is deceptive.. something that my children do not do and it they attempt to do.. are severely punished.. Jake is not...

I am having a hard time being positive and upbeat and planning with my kids for the future and planning for my life in the future (social events, vacations, etc.. ) when i feel so negative about myself in his presence.. as i live with the knowledge that he so undervalues me.. or has not rectified how he feels about me

I do not feel this way when he is not present

the reason rectification and clarification and amends is so important is that he previously told me
1. what he thought i wanted to hear .. although he did not feel it
2. he felt ok about me.. but knew he felt better about her and accepted that it would never be as good as it was with her and it was his DIRTY little secret!!

My second dose of advice is to get yourself some boundaries. Tell him you'll stay for now to see if things have changed but that you don't intend to stay forever if you and the kids are going to be treated poorly.

When that date comes up, regroup the happenings over the last several months, try to be objective, reassess, and make a decision to stay or separate.

My take on this is that your husband may have obsessive compulsive disorder coupled with depression and that his mother is compounding the situation and making it worse by brainwashing her grandson AND your husband and perpetuating his grief and sense of guilt. You may want to call his IC to discuss it with him or her as well.

If he does have OCD - he's lived in a perpetuated state of never being sure of himself - and that's where his mother's hold comes in. (This is just my goofy analysis.) Maybe she has always been there to tell him 'how to think.'

Staying with him may be enabling his behavior and obsessive tendencies and could, quite possibly, make it unnecessary (in his eyes) to get substantial help and assess his mother's hold on him. If he thinks you'll stay despite poor treatment, there's no reason to put a stop to it.

If you think he's sick and won't get the medical attention he needs if you stay, then I can understand your desire to live elsewhere. Divorce is quite final though, and you do have to ask yourself if it's absolutely necessary right now.