It was my decision to divorce, and I know that I am doing the right thing for my daughter and I. So why do I feel so nauseous all the time, so scared and just so out of sorts constantly?
I just don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I have to.
I am so scared.

You feel nauseous because you made a vow and now you are breaking it. Depending on your circumstances and belief system, there are valid reasons to divorce, such as infidelity and abuse. Are you violating your religious beliefs or values for this?

If you know you're unhappy & you can pinpoint that your marriage is the cause of this unhappiness - you need to make changes. Everyone deserves to be happy. Though you vowed to be with this person for life, people change. Why go through life miserable? Your unhappiness will domino into so many other aspects of your life and the people around you. Sometimes doing what's right is the hardest thing - but in the end you'll see that it was all worth it. You have your daughter - you are not alone. You will get through this and it WILL get easier. The first steps are the hardest. You already conquered one - you recognized the problem & know something needs to be done.

I would violating my values if I stayed with him. That is why I don't understand my physical reaction. It is just so hard for me to admit that I gave it everything I could and it wasn't enough.
I can't stay with someone who is consistently verbally and mentally abusive, manipulative, lying, sneaky, irresponsible, resentful, angry and who fights in front of my daughter despite the fact that I've asked him not to for the last three years.
I know in my heart I've done everything I can do to save this marriage and after so many years of trying, a separation and counseling, he is just not getting it. I don't think that he ever will.

I am scared that he is going to try to kill himself. He seems to be doing better this time around, but last time we separated he didn't shower for three weeks and wore the same two outfits without washing them the whole time.
He also might not be taking his medications but that is not my problem anymore. It's hard to not care or worry about your daughter's father. I am just sick for her, wondering if he's going to be around for her or capable of taking care of her.

And it hurts to know that even though this is the right thing, the divorce might drive him further over the edge.

berkana has a long history of trying to make this marriage work over much bigger obstacles than I have, so she has no reason to be ashamed of walking away.

bk, any time you step into new territory, you feel stress. It's human nature. Add to that the years of hassle you've been dealing with, and your self-esteem and knowledge of who you are has been eroded. So you no longer trust your own decisions.

And you're still compassionate enough to realize that your action is going to affect your H. But IMO, leaving him as you have said, is the only way he takes his own life and yours seriously enough to do the right thing. You'll be helping him by separating. He needs you to do this, so he will eventually get his act together. To stay is to enable, and you know that's not right. For anyone.

I know the jury is out. Some people on this board seem to think that you should be able to endure anything your spouse does, and somehow it's your fault and you can fix it.
I just don't have anything left, and I am starting to lose myself. I can't keep my head above water emotionally if I stay in this marriage.

I should mention that this is not a new thing. We had problems back in 02, and he refused to go to counseling. I almost moved out due to his anger and verbal abuse. He would go for days without talking to me, he would ignore me in restaurants, he was manipulative and passive aggressive.
Then we went to one counseling session after he thought I was going to move out. He had some breakthrough and told me he realized what he'd done was wrong. (Sound familiar?)
We were ok for a while, then two years later he started in again with the anger and irrationality. Again he wouldn't get counseling and I almost moved out.
Things were better for a while until our D was born. Then he started to be completely cruel and angry to me, was borderline physically abusive while I was holding our daughter. There were a few times when I was really afraid he was going to hit me. He had that look in his eyes.

I told him last time we separated that this about the fifth time he has had "realizations" about his behavior, and that he is mister romance when I want to get out, but as soon as he feels like he is back "in", he starts to be verbally abusive, neglectful, angry, and irrational. He starts raising his voice in front of our daughter and will not stop even when I ask him to or remind him that she is in the room.
He seems unable to control his anger and his behavior.

Berkana, I had a very similar reaction when my H and I separated. I could never really figure out why when it was my decision to separate and, God knows, by that point all I wanted to do was get away from him. I did feel a little sense of relief but it was short-lived. As you know, we are in reconciliation now but these are my very broad guesses on the matter:

1. Divorce/separation is very stressful in general because so many facets of your life are changing. It is scary. Even if you get to keep the house and main custody of your child - it's different. There is no longer another adult there on a consistent basis. Maybe the two of you never had pleasant conversation but at least he was there.

People are creatures of habit and when you have lived with another person for many years (me - 18 years) and you are part of a couple (even when it's really bad), terminating that arrangement throws your psyche for a loop, hence the 'out of sorts' feeling. Everything suddenly seems of out kilter. It's like having a leg amputated. The leg is not physically there but your mind can not adjust to the fact that it is not there - therefore you get phantom pain.

2. Humans are designed to be 'partnered' with a member of the opposite sex - whether it be for social or reproductive reasons or both. It just naturally 'feels' more comfortable to be with someone than alone. This is one of the main reason so many people stay in truly bad marriages, even admitting they aren't staying for the kids or to keep their vows. They simply don't want to be alone. This is also, imho, a reason why some people have 'exit' affairs. It is too scary to leave a marriage and be totally alone, so they find someone to bridge the gap and make them feel more secure in leaving (I know this isn't what you are doing.)Another thing people will do is start dating immediately after a separation for this same reason. The reason it is recommended you wait a year or so is a person is likely get into a serious relationship right away to escape being alone without realizing the next person is not the right person for them.


3. Maybe you still have feelings for the guy. I was married for 3 years to a man who was a drug addict and alcoholic. I was in my early twenties and naively thought I could 'change' him. Quickly realized I couldn't and by the time I left, I didn't hate him, I didn't love him, I didn't like him. I felt absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. In fact, I have rarely even thought about the man over last 20 years. I didn't wish him ill - I simply didn't care about him. Leaving him was very easy (plus we had no kids - that, of course, makes a big difference).

Fast forward to Husband #2 - as miserable as I was and as convinced as I was that leaving was the right thing to do - nothing would change, I was compromising my values by staying, I wasn't afraid to be alone, etc, what I discovered was under all the anger I felt for him, I still loved the guy, and that makes leaving very uncomfortable.

He did the 'be nice while separating thing' like your H is doing and that eventually (after 6 months) helped refill the old love bank just a little. Since we have been in MC the last 2 months - I have realized that I really do love him and want to share my life with him but I was so hurt, tired and angry about the way he was behaving and the vicious cycle we had gotten into that all I felt was anger and numbness.

The truth is you can't completely emotionally detach from the other person so long as you feel anger toward them. A lot of people will describe the process as 'I just knew it was over and suddenly felt a calm sense of detachment.' That's when you really know it is really over - when what the other person is doing doesn't 'make' you feel one way or another.

Berkana, I'm not suggesting that the above are reasons to stay in the marriage - you are the only person who can make that decision. I'm just saying I went through a similar thing when we separated - I felt very 'out of sorts' for the entire 6 months after I moved out before we decided to try again. It was a very uncomfortable feeling and it caught me quite by surprise. I didn't expect to feel that way. It was almost surreal at times. I still am not 100% sure about why I felt that way but my guess is it has something to do with the reasons above.

Hang in there. I know this is a very tough time for you. It helps to get as much emotional support as you can from friends and family. Good luck.

Thank you for sharing all of that.
I went to counseling today and I realized something. I'm mourning the idea I had about what it would be like to have a child. I wanted that nuclear family really badly, I wanted to make it work and have a partnership in parenting my child.
But like I told my counselor, I'm not going to have that whether I'm married to him or I'm divorced from him.
I think that might be one of the reasons why I took him back last time. I really was the most upset about what I was doing to my daughter, and it scared me.
Now that I've seen more of his behavior and his complete unwillingness to do the things that I need him to do, I am more sure that this is the right thing for her as well. I wanted so badly to have two parents who both loved being parents and shared the burdens, and maintained a loving marriage but that's not going to happen.

It's funny, the counselor asked me at one point today "Have you ever asked him if he wants to be married to you?" And that's what I keep saying over and over. He doesn't seem to really want to be married to me. He just can't accept that I need him to take care of his health, and stop fighting in front of our daughter and that I have emotional needs.

Of course if I ask him if he wants to be married to me, he says yes and that he loves me. His behavior says otherwise. I think he's just scared to admit that he doesn't want this to work. He sabotages things and it's like he wants me to kick him out so I can be the bad guy and he can look like the saint who put up with so much from me.

I think that part of the problem too when we got back together was that I was to the point where the things he did and said didn't have much of an effect on me. I have a hard time taking him seriously or really investing myself in the things he says and does. And I guess I was past the point of no return with him but I didn't realize it.

He must have known that, and he just kept upping the ante to try to get a rise out of me. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction and I wouldn't fight in front of D3 and it drove him nuts.

Very often, we act based on very basic, very subtle learned behaviors that we carry forward from childhood. The more you learn about those behaviors, the more you're able to recognize them in others and to keep yourself from doing them.