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I originally posted this in the Just Found Out forum and was told to repost here:

My husband & I have been married for 13 years this past September. We got married when I was 22 years old and he was 26. During our first two years of marriage, he had an affair with his bestfriend's wife (who was also a very close friend of mine). I was able to forgive him and moved on with our lives.

My husband has been struggling with an alcohol problem all of his life. Pretty much everyone in his family is recovering. I did not notice that his problem was so severe until we moved into our house five years ago. When we moved, our oldest child just turned one (she is now 6). Our first year in our new house was exciting. We made friends with all the neighbors, but it ended up reminding me a lot like our situation with our friends in the beginning of our marriage -- we were with our neighbors day and night.

During our first year and a half at our house he started drinking more and more. He didn't really go to the bars, just drank at home. We then had another child (who will be turning 4 very shortly). After we had her, things changed. My life has been taking care of the children and watching him be here, but not emotionally here. Three years ago he had a midlife crisis and made some comments to some friends about having a girlfriend; who he told everyone was our neighbor's daughter (who is a very good friend of ours). She was 22 at the time and just happened to be our oldest daughter's bestfriend's mother. Another comment I should add is this girl's daughter was conceived with a married man when she was 18 years old. Anyway, at the time my husband and I separated because he wasn't happy and neither was I. We both had divorce attorneys and he was moved out of the house. While he was gone, someone put a note on my car stating that my husband was messing around with a neighbor. Well, my heart told me to confront this girl; so I did. I went to her at her parents house and confronted her and she denied everything, so I let it go. Well, my husband and I were going to marriage counseling at the time and decided to reconcile. He moved back home and that was in August of '05.

Well Mother's Day of '06 he informed me that he was unhappy again and thought it would be best that we separate, which I said I agreed, but deep down I didn't want to. He was drinking more excessively and it had been getting worse since the beginning of that year. So we separated and decided in July of '06 that we would work on things, so he moved back in.

Well, long story short (or maybe not), he's had a problem with alcohol and that is where a lot of my resentment has came into our marriage. It has caused about 85% of our fights, and he will agree. Well, this January after coming home from a work party, I came home to a man who said he had enough and wanted me to take him to a rehab facilty. He was there for a week and has been recovering ever since; he has been sober for a little over two months now and I am very greatful.

As everyone knows who is working the AA program, when you do your steps one of the steps is to make amends. I've been avoiding him bc I just had a feeling he would tell me something that I didn't want to hear, but knew deep down in my heart -- and I was right. He told that that he has been unfaithful to me twice in the past five years. He would not give me any details except one was a one-night stand and one was an ongoing relationship, but there was nothing emotional, just sexual. He would not tell me who they were with, but I know him and was able to sort of get it out of him. And I was right, it was with the girl that I confronted two years ago. He said that he would stand by me no matter what decision I make, and he has no excuses for what he has done to me and our family. The number one priority right now for him is his sobriety, and I agree. He says he has been faithful since he has been back in the house, so that is going on almost 2 years.

My question is: should I confront this girl again? Her daughter is my children's best friend. I do not want to hurt my children, but in the same respect I do not want the girl around them either. He has not have contact with her and actually when we have been at functions where she's been, there has been a distance between them. She is actually in a relationship and currently talking marriage with the man. My problem is that two houses away from us are her parents and she is up two houses from them; so they will always be in our lives -- or I should say in our sight. I know this will kill her parents and do not want to cause anymore pain to them, bc we just lost another neighbor of ours suddenly and my family and theirs were asked not to attend any of the arrangements for our friend.

He has told me to do what I think I need to do and he will face anything that comes to him. He knows that he has hurt many people in this situation. He has asked me to go to Alanon so I can get some help from other people that might have experienced what I am going through. I know I need to do this, but right now my mind is going a million miles a minute, so I'm sure a lot of what I have written probably doesn't even make sense.

I know I can move on from this, but it will be hard for me to forget. He has totally changed since he has stopped drinking. He is becoming a very spirtual person and more loving husband, and has always been a very good father to our children. My thing is trying to move on, especially when this person is so close. He said he has nothing to hide from me anymore, and it feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest because now we can try to move on to a healhier and more loving relationship.

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar or anyone who has advice!

**This part was not on my original post:

Let me add...like I said, deep down inside I knew about this affair and moved on from it. It's just facing the reality of it. We are not in a financial situation to move, nor do I think moving will solve any issues. I truly think a lot of our problems have stemmed from his alcohol addition. I know being an alcoholic and having an affair are two different things, but feel he's been running from the fact that he is an alcoholic for years and one of our major problems was me constantly resenting him for his drinking. I just need to know if I should confront her, and should I also confront her parents about this since they are very close friends and will be wondering about the distance between me and the girl....he said he's willing to face any consequences that the confrontation could make and will respect any decisions I make.

Thanks for any advice!

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First, you do need to get some Al-Anon meetings.

Second, you need to share your story, honestly and openly at these meetings.

Third, you need to sit back and listen intently, these folks have been where you are and can only help if you are not defensive and you are willing to learn.

If you don't like the first few meetings keep going back anyways and purpose in your heart to continue for one year before giving up. These folks kinda grow on you after a while.

Without sobriety working on your marriage is impossible. It's encouraging to hear he is making ammends. This is an important part of the 12 step program.

Read everything you can here and encourage your husband to read and share his story here for help restoring your marriage. AA will help him stay sober, but they are not always encouraging of the Marriage Building advice you can both find here.

Your husband is only 2.5 months sober and still in foggy sobriety, so be patient and get to a meeting.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thank you for your suggestions. I know that we're in for a bumpy road still and it will be a long journey. It's very strange bc I went to Alanon meetings while he was drinking, and now that he's not and he's encouraging me to go, I have mixed feelings about it and keep finding excuses of why I don't have time for a meeting; but I do know that it is necessary for me to heal.

I've been seeing a counselor to help with a health issue,(Type I Diabetic) and he's been very helpful also with my husband's drinking and recovery. My health is actually doing a lot better since my husband has been sober, and I think it is I'm not as worried about him as I used to be. I guess now it's time to work on myself, as well as our marriage.

My husband brought me home Path's to Recovery Alanon's Steps, Traditions, & Concepts book last night after his meeting, I'm going to start reading it today and going to look for a meeting to go to this week.


But I have one more question for you: What book should we start reading of Dr. Harley's? Would it be His Needs-Her Needs, or something else?

Thanks again for your advice!

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Originally Posted by MrsHopeful
But I have one more question for you: What book should we start reading of Dr. Harley's? Would it be His Needs-Her Needs, or something else?

I would recommend "Surviving An Affair" and focus on the sections in the book that pertain to "protection" and
"no contact" only after you both establish protection and he provides "extra-ordinary precautions can you both begin to meet each others needs.

I would recommend reading "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" after that. It goes into great detail about all the basic concepts.

Then "His Needs, Her Needs".

This is just my opinion!

BUT FIRST - two Al-Anon meetings per week and go to some open AA meetings with your H.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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It's very strange bc I went to Alanon meetings while he was drinking, and now that he's not and he's encouraging me to go, I have mixed feelings about it and keep finding excuses of why I don't have time for a meeting;

First off, tell him that this alcoholic says to worry about his own recovery, and let you worry about yours. I can't help but feel that perhaps resentment on your part is making you not want to do what he wants you to do. If he were to lay off on pushing you to go to meetings, you just might find the desire to go yourself. This takes his focus off of himself and sets him attempting to force the world to fit into his mold. Definitely alcoholic thinking.

When he is not around, I would encourage you to read chapters 8 and 9 from the Big Book. Actually it would be good for you to read the whole thing, but mainly the chapter to the wives and the family afterward. It might help you understand the dynamics of whats going on in your life with a newly "sober" husband.

His unwillingness to tell you EVERYTHING about the affairs while making amends bothers me alot. It is a cruel and selfish thing to do to someone. My XW did this to me. What he was doing was unloading guilt on you, not making amends. I certainly hope he has a sponsor, and discusses that issue with him. BUT that is not your problem. You can be honest with him though, and point out the fact and let him do with it what he will.

As for dealing with the neighbors, I would recommend that you not be in a hurry to do anything. Follow TST's suggestions, about the meetings, and give yourself time to think. Rushing into a confrontation will only make things worse. In my opinion, it is your husbands responsibility to make amends to them as well. He should be the one to tell them that you were right when you accused their daughter of having an affair with him. He should also draft a NC letter to her. Once you have educated yourselves about surviving an affair, you may want to set some boundaries around the children's friendship that would only allow them to have contact when OW is not around. Of course the OW could decide to be ugly about the decision but that onus is on her.

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I have read the Big Book all the way through, but it's been about a year-and-a-half ago, and recently read the two chapters you suggested bc I remember the Wife section made me really think and still does. And I totally agree with you about sitting back and not doing a confrontation right away.

My husband does have a sponsor, and like I said we know a lot of people in the program bc his whole family is in it. Actually after he came clean with everything, he went to a meeting and we were the topic about him telling me versus not telling me. He said that he was the one that said "I do" to me and he should be the one I am upset with the most, but he knows how much they hurt me. There were people at the meeting that I know that have actually called me to see if I am okay and to discuss his amends. They basically said that they knew that deep down in my heart I knew and now I can't run from the truth, but face it -- which is totally true.

Some days I'm fine bc I've been living with this feeling in the back of my mind for two years now, and other days, it's a slap in the face and I'm wondering what in the hell I'm doing. I know he is a good man, and this is what I've been waiting for for a long time in our marriage -- his sobriety. But I hate to say that there is a part of me that thinks about running out and doing the same thing he did to me, but I never would because that is not who I am or will ever be, but just to make him hurt like I'm hurting. I know that would never solve any problems and I would never want my children to think of me any differently, bc I do know when my children are older and they ever find out about my husband's past, I think it will kill them bc of the situation and I will do whatever it takes to protect them.

I feel like I'm just rambling, so I'm sorry. Thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate them.

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MrsHopeful

Please read step 8 and 9

Read Pages 124 & 125 in the AA Big Book

Does or is your H trying- to the best of his ability- LIVE (NOT just Talk) LIVE the first 164 pages of the Big Book?

Amend=To Correct///To Improve///To Rectify.....webster dictionary. This is what amend means from the BB. Not just mouthing "I'M SORRY"

The Big Book gives clear and precise instructions for what an alcoholic is to do to return to the human race and turn from being alcoholic into a RECOVERED ALCOHOLIC.

In an earlier post you asked if you should confront the OW. Imo if your H is trying to live as mentioned above no.

What useful purpose would it serve?? Last part of step 9-EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others..
WOULD OR DOES HE OWE HER AN APOLOGY??
Do any of us OWE our XLover an apology???? What good would come of dragging her family into it?????

Some new different boundries would probably help the situation more than anything.
I am a FWH. What would your intentions be here? I am truly sorry you were hurt in this way. I've been there.

I would make Al-Anon meetings a priority in my life. The people there can help you to set bounderies that will help you to live with a recovering alcoholic. They (WE) live or may be living through it also. BS 2006- Al-Anon member.

I would use the MB principles to help formulate the values and bounderies important to you in the M.
MB also will help eliminate or pinpoint the LB's that can eventually kill a M.

Watch and see if his life reflects the directions from the BB. If it does then you can be asured he will turn from being alcoholic to a RECOVERED alcoholic which will create a new changed person. Apply all you can learn now to the future where it will help to build the M you have and want to keep.

EDIT ADD

Even Harley says- after an addict has recieved successful treatment for there addiction the problems in M only become solvable. Let your H become strong with recovery before trying to tackle the problems in your M. If he truly is seeking recovery you will see a new man in no time. These old issues may not even be important in a year.
Al-Anon will help you to change along with it should you decide to persue it.

Rocky


Me 49 –Recovered Alcoholic 1986
FWH 1987

DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs

WW 43
EA/PA –1985/1986 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-
Mutual agreement to get back together
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 Just wants to leave it in the past-“WE know what to do”
Alcohol Relapse 3/26/08 3/30/08 STARTING NEW TREATMENT PLAN 4/1/08

Last edited by nesre; 04/01/08 11:10 AM.

M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
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D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Originally Posted by Gale44
[quote]His unwillingness to tell you EVERYTHING about the affairs while making amends bothers me alot.

Me too. IMO, it's not making amends if he's halfway doing it.

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Yes, my husband is very much living and truly following AA. He is going to meetings every day, sometimes two or three. He is becoming very spirtual. He never thought he could/would be a spirtual person, but now is. I can see him changing and he is a different person. I am very proud of the accomplishments he has made in these past two-and-a-half months.

I should maybe add some things about my husband not telling me everything. He told me that he had an affair, he did not tell me who with. He said he would if I wanted him to and wanted to tell me everything, his sponsor is the one that told him just to come clean with what he had did to me and not to bring anyone else into it. He said he would answer questions, which he has. I was the one that came out and said I know it was with this person, and he just said he could not give me names, bc he was doing what his sponsor told him to do. After this talk is when he was at a meeting and they discussed our situation about telling someone about having an affair and giving details. Then after that meeting is when I had a few of the people I know from the meeting call me and talk to me about the situation.

I believe he was making an amends to me bc he knew that I suspected this and had questioned him about it in the past. A few people told him he should have never told me, but he said he could not live with himself any longer if he did, bc he would be lying to me like he has done in the past and he wants to be a changed person, and in order to stay sober he needed to tell me the truth. I truly believe that. I know that some people are wodering why or how I could believe him, but I honestly have seen a change -- now, if he was drinking, I don't think I would be telling you that.

I feel that we can grow as a couple, but we just need to know what things to do to help us with it. I have oftened dreamed of the day when he would realize that he had a problem with drinking and wondered what kind of man he would be, and I finally getting to start to see what I was wishing for.

I know people don't change over night, and it takes hard work and dedication. And don't get me wrong, I am not the perfect W. Now, I have never cheated, but I have been a nag, resentful, and pushed him away when he has tried to be close, but most of my reasons for doing that was bc I was so resentful that he drank so much. Now, I have to learn to let him in again, like he once was in the past. I know his sobriety is only for today, and I will never know what tomorrow may bring, but I have to pray that he has the strength to be the person I know he can be.

I still haven't made it to a meeting, our daughter is having surgery next week and plan on starting right after that -- I know it's excuse after excuse, but I will go. However, I do have two women that are in Alanon that have been calling and checking on me, so for now that helps. But I know Alanon is what I need.

Thanks again for everyone's advice.

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Now, I have never cheated, but I have been a nag, resentful, and pushed him away when he has tried to be close, but most of my reasons for doing that was bc I was so resentful that he drank so much. Now, I have to learn to let him in again, like he once was in the past. I know his sobriety is only for today, and I will never know what tomorrow may bring, but I have to pray that he has the strength to be the person I know he can be.

Living with an active alcoholic creates all types of problems
within us. Al-Anon will help you to find a way to deal with those resentments and find a way of life full of serenity and peace-It will help to place appropriate bounderies-Whether he stays sober or not.

It sounds like your H is in good hands. If he is truly using the Spiritual Toolkit found in the BB - working with a good sponsor -Helping other alcoholics recover then he will also recover. It sounds like he is well on the way.

Please-please-please take care of yourself also.

Personally MB has also helped me with my LB's but alcoholism is so misunderstood by most of the general population that most here don't really try to take a stab at marital problems. I don't blame them because it does really complicate everything.

Relapses, Dry drunks, and depression can be part of sobering up if the person doesn't keep up daily with their program of recovery. I am not sure many here understand this part of the dis-ease.

I wish you two all the best. It can and will get better each day if you BOTH work a program of recovery.

Rocky

These two guys gave me a new life

joe and charlie



Last edited by nesre; 04/01/08 07:19 PM.

M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Originally Posted by MrsHopeful
I still haven't made it to a meeting, our daughter is having surgery next week and plan on starting right after that -- I know it's excuse after excuse, but I will go. However, I do have two women that are in Alanon that have been calling and checking on me, so for now that helps. But I know Alanon is what I need.


So why wait???






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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"Why wait?," I don't know why, I just have a lot on my plate, and trying to juggle it all. I know, I need to take a good look at my priorities -- some of it is also being scared; I don't know why I am, but I am.


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Originally Posted by MrsHopeful
"Why wait?," I don't know why, I just have a lot on my plate, and trying to juggle it all. I know, I need to take a good look at my priorities -- some of it is also being scared; I don't know why I am, but I am.


You are right. You do have a lot on your plate. And it is a tremendous amount of stuff to juggle. I think you've done a fine job of looking at your priorities. Your husband is the one who has had his priorities all twisted up. And you've just been caught up in his whirlwind.

But you CAN do this. One day at a time. Break it down to small increments of a day if you need to. First thing you need to do is go to some meetings. Walking in the door is the hardest part. I promise, it's not so bad.

Thank you for being honest about being scared. We all are. It's just a matter of whether we are going to let the fear dictate our actions. I pray you feel the fear and do it anyway.






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.

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