Hi, I am new to this but in need of some advice. My husband & I divorced last year (separated for almost 2 1/2years). I got involved with someone right when our marriage was going downhill (for the 3rd time?). I couldn't take it anymore and someone was giving me a lot of positive attention. I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but I did. My "boyfriend" moved in with me (& my children) right after the divorce. He moved out 2 weeks ago per my request (the 3rd time in 6 months). The reason is I can't seem to totally move forward from my past. I think about my ex all the time & I know he does the same. We have talked about working things out (which would make my 10 yr old extremely happy) but it scares me. My "ex-boyfriend" will not quit calling me. I've told him several times I need some space to find myself & figure out what is best for me & my children. Any advice?

Hi, I just want to clarify that this was the 3rd time(?) our marriage was going downhill..... not the 3rd time I got involved with someone........ I had never done anything like that before. And we were married for fifteen (good & bad) years. Thanks

in need,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. A few questions for you:

Is/was your boyfriend married? If so, have you told his wife?

Have you considered not dating anybody for a period of time and focusing on raising your child? I believe they recommend not getting into any relationship for at least a year after a divorce (not "separation"...divorce). There's a good reason for this and I think you're starting to realize that.

Sounding like a broken record: can not date for one year after divorce. Go out, yes, relationships and SF are not good ideas.

You would not be the first nor last to remarry after a divorce.

Counciling needed to build a better marriage. People here have recommended many books. Her Needs His Needs. I may have the his and her's reversed. You both have to find ways to fill each other's needs.

Does husband know that you moved a boy friend into the house and bed?

When did you start dating the OM? Married, separated?

No, my boyfriend is not married. He has been divorced for almost 2 yrs. He also has little to no contact with his 17 yr old son who says he hates me.
I have thought hard about taking some time for just me and my two children but he doesn't seem to understand- he thinks we are meant to be and he won't quit calling. He says he wants to see the kids but I told him that wasn't a good idea right now. I also told him he could not move back in (he has asked) because it wouldn't be good for my children. Having a hard time making him understand.

Yes, my husband new the boyfriend moved in- he also had his girlfriend move in for a short while. We both have messed up pretty bad.
He also knows that the boyfriend has now moved out. Like I said we talked about working things out. He's being the smart one out of the two and wants me to take some time alone to really figure things out- he's not pressuring me for anything.
It's only been two weeks and sometimes I do miss the adult companionship.

After exploring this site more, I feel I should tell you a little more about myself.
I am 41 yrs old- mother of two absolutely wonderful children (10 yr old son & 13 yr old daughter).
I was married for 15 years, however, the last anniversary we celebrated together was our 13th. We separated 10 days before our 14th and divorced 2 months after our 15th. We always thought we had the perfect marriage as well as many other people thought. Many were shocked to find we divorced. Don't get me wrong, we had both ups & downs like any other marriage. We always seemed to work through everything- the many fights we had, losing a business and filing bankruptcy- the one thing that was hard was my husband's jealousy & insecurities. He accused me of having many affairs, which I never did until the last. I told him many times his insecurities & jealousy would ruin us & it did. We went to counseling over it 5 yrs ago- which helped for a few yrs but then it started again.
I did not physically have an affair before we split up, but I guess I had an emotional affair. I became attached to someone at work. Someone who always had the right thing to say & made me feel "special". That is why I refused to go to counseling- I knew I had someone waiting for me that would provide me with the most perfect life- so he would tell me.
For months we hid our relationship. Even though I was separated, I did not feel comfortable with what I was doing. My new boyfriend would shower me with expensive gifts & the most wonderful compliments to make everything seem like it was great.
The same month I got divorced, boyfriend moved in to the house I was renting. I knew deep in my heart I was not ready, but I listened to him & I talked myself into believing what I was doing was OK. Four months later, I bought a house on my own. He wanted to buy with me but I had to do it on my own (red flag?). In the first 5 months I asked him to leave 2 times but he would talk his way back in- telling me how wonderful my life would be.
He even insisted on buying me all new appliances for my new house- he would not take "no" for an answer (another red flag?) I knew every time I was doing the wrong thing- I did not listen to my self (because I lost my self). He also talked me into quiting my job- thought the stress of it was causing problems with us. It was very stressful but I never should have quit. The third time (2 wks ago) I became stronger & told him this is the way it had to be. I have never been able to completely get over my ex & the life we shared and neither has he. We've talked many times about trying to work things out- forgetting the past & moving towards the future. I believe in my heart it is possible for us to have our family back again. Do you think it is possible?
In the meantime, the boyfriend is not respecting my wishes and my need for space- how can I make him understand?
He still calls everyday- wants to come back "home" wants to see my kids (he acts as if they are his)- he makes me feel guilty. I am starting to resent him.
Also, will I ever be able to find "me" again?
Thanks

So do you think you had an affair or not?


[/quote] In the meantime, the boyfriend is not respecting my wishes and my need for space- how can I make him understand?
He still calls everyday- wants to come back "home" wants to see my kids (he acts as if they are his)- he makes me feel guilty. I am starting to resent him. [/quote]

I think it is pathetic that your boyfriend is using YOUR kids as a way to control you. Don't let your boyfriend use your kids to get to you. Stop letting him control you with guilt.

I think you already know what you want to do but for some reason are afraid to go back to your ex-husband. If you are looking for someone to tell you what to do then my vote is for you and your ex-husband to go to counseling and see where that leads you both. Of course you can't do that unless you establish no contact with your boyfriend. You have some big decisions to make. I think if I was in your position I would consid calling the Harley's for phone counseling and help putting together a plan for how to implement these changes in your life.

I saved this from a post a while back and I read it whenever I get the feeling that I need time to find myself.

"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it's probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.

I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.

Yes, I do think I had an affair...... I've been living with that guilt for over 2 yrs now (and I believe that is partially why I resent him- he knew I was down & out & vulnerable). I think that is why I have not been able to ever move on. I know I was wrong and if I hadn't done what I did we would've celebrated our 16th anniversary this year, the way we should have.

I know my "ex"-boyfriend controls me with guilt. That is why I say I have lost touch with myself. Hopefully, I will gain the control again someday.

Thank you for your input on calling for counseling. I think that would be of great help to both of us. I truly believe if we make some changes, our family could be together again.

I have to thank you for the input on "Finding Yourself for Dummies". I do have to say though, I am a little bit offended.

I know where my feet go, I know where my butt is and I know I don't have a penis so I know I am MOM.

What I was trying to say is I have been living to others expectations- not my own. I know what I want out of life- I want my family back- I want to be with my ex-husband and my children but I have others give their opinion on what's best for me- which includes the boyfriend telling me how wonderful I am and we are meant for each other and life will be great.

Sometimes when you have someone telling you something over & over again you start to believe they are right- I believe it's called "brainwashing". Maybe you have literature on "Brainwashing for Dummies".

Still need to know how to get him to leave me alone- Any suggestions?

I'm sorry I did not mean any offense. I actually found that article helpful to me and meant it to be helpful.

I do have to say that in this last post of yours you sound like you are more sure of what you want.

The only suggestion I have for how to get your boyfriend to leave you alone is to write a very good no contact letter and send it to him. Then follow through with it, do no answer his calls, do not answer the door for him, etc.

I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I know you meant well........ having one of those days.

Yes, I'm pretty sure of what I want.... it's just trying to get the ex-boyfriend to understand. And my ex-husband wants me to break all ties as soon as possible- which I totally understand!

Actually, I just got off the phone with him. I know I shouldn't answer the calls, but after a while I feel as if I must.

I have tried to explain to him that I just can't move past "my past" but he doesn't understand.

He obviously did not have the same kind of relationship with his ex-wife as I did my husband.

Have a good night!!!

No contact with OM for life doesn't just happen by itself. You've got to have a plan.

The No Contact letter is just the start. There are variations of such letters all over this website. Draft one up and post it for critique. Deliver it and mean it.

Part of the plan includes anticipating methods of contact and disabling them. Such as...cancel your cell phone contract, change your home phone number, close email accounts, MOVE, don't answer phone calls, screen phone calls, involve others to help you resist the urge to speak or see him (accountability partners). Another idea...leave town for a bit and don't let anyone except your support know where you are.

If he refuses to go away get a restraining order to MAKE him stay away from you. Research the laws and maybe find a lawyer now to HELP you do so, IN ADVANCE, again, in anticipation of needing it. Don't wait and have to endure the delay typically surrounding the taking of such action. If a restraining order is out of the question, consider wearing a simple whistle around your neck and if and when OM approaches you...you blow it, loud and clear. OM is a danger to you. You are finally realizing that. HE is your crackpipe...STAY AWAY FROM OM AND THE WORLD CAN BECOME REAL AGAIN. There is NO HEALING NO RECONCILING NO FINDING YOURSELF...NOTHING...while you are addicted. Go cold turkey...get away from him FIRST and the rest will follow.

The courage is found in the doing. You have indicated that others will support such decision...seek their assistance. It's likely even your xhusband WANTS to help you quit OM....with sensitivity and empathy to him (if you can manage)...ask him if he is willing. You owe OM nothing. NOTHING. OM is a big boy. He's an adult and should know the risks of messing with a married woman. He'll survive.

Good luck. We are pulling for your family. It will likely take 2 months or more of absolute NO CONTACT for you to truly break the addiction.

Mr. Wondering

Enclosed is a copy of a letter I sent him the first time I asked him to move out:

October 1, 2007



I’m writing you this letter because I have a very hard time talking to you at times. I’ve tried to tell you several times how I feel but you don’t seem to understand. We’ve had the same conversation over and over again in the last month or so. It is very hard to have that conversation again so I thought I would do it this way.

I’m sorry if I’ve hurt in the past. I really do not mean to. You tell me everything will be okay now that we are somewhat settled in the house and the stress of moving is gone. Unfortunately, I don’t believe it will. I’m not quite sure what happened, other than the fact that I believe we moved way too fast. I know I thought I was ready, but in actuality, I was not. In hind sight, I wish we would have waited. I was not ready to go from one family life to another. I did not give myself enough time to be on my own (with the kids). That is something I really need to do. I believe, in order for our relationship to move forward we need to take a step back.

I want you to know this has nothing to do with Mike directly. I say “directly” because I do find myself wandering back to my past occasionally. Sometimes I feel as though I did not give myself enough time to heal. I know you think everything was his fault, but I am to blame for a lot of things, too. That is why I wish I would have given myself more time. More time to get over some of the “guilt” feelings I have. I have feelings of guilt because maybe I should have tried a little harder. Sometimes I feel as though I let my children down. Also, because I feel that you let your relationship go with your son because of me. I am having a very hard time getting over that. I know you say it’s not because of me, but I think it is. I feel as though two families were broken because we were enjoying being together. When I look back, it just wasn’t fair to any of them. We both should have taken more time before we got as involved as we did after our separations. We both needed time to grow. I believe we leaned on each other to fill voids in our lives at a very vulnerable time. That is why things seemed so wonderful. Now because things moved so fast, we seem like this old married couple. That is a stage in our relationship that we should not be at yet. That is why I am asking that you respect my wish to take a step back.

I know you love me (you tell me several times a day) and I know you would do anything in the world for me. You try so hard to make everything so perfect for me (if everything was okay, you wouldn’t have to try so hard). You are a very caring and loving person who deserves much more than I can give right now. I want you to know I do appreciate all that you do but, what I really need right now is to take some time to figure out what I want and how I feel. In order for me to do this, I need some time alone. You look at this as the end of our relationship. I look at it as time for me to get my head on straight and figure things out. I’m not saying I want our relationship to end. I just want (and need) to take a step back and reevaluate things.


After I gave him this letter I let him talk me into staying. I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. He honestly made me feel guilty.

Why do I let that happen?

I tried to give back my cell phone (& my daughters- they are on his plan- I even wrote him a check for $300 to cancel it- he tore it up in front of me)

My ex-husband got new cell phones for our children (& me). He seems to have changed & is trying to be so understanding........ his only wish now is to have us back.

The boyfriend still has my home #. It's hard for me to change that right now because I have many job applications out there.

My ex is working 1200 miles away from us now........... he would like it if me & the kids move back "home". He still has our home we bought together out in the country. If I moved back there, the ex-boyfriend might not know where I am.

Any advice on a new letter?

Thanks :-)

P.S. I have also told OM that he is a "BIG BOY" & he can survive without me & my kids.......... he says "I have no purpose"

One other question....... do you think I am addicted or his he?

After researching, it seems as though he has a love "obsession"- which scares me..........

Any thoughts?

Do not send that letter. It is weak. BE Firm. Should only take 6 lines. Do not sound sorry. Be firm. Write it leave it on the table and move out now.

I already gave him that letter in October- the first time I asked him to move out- then I let him talk me into staying.

We are not living together anymore- he moved out two weeks ago per my request. He has tried talking his way back in but I say "NO".

I am trying very hard to be firm with him- trying not to let him sweet talk me.

This is your number one issue. You will make all your decisions just on your dysfunctional need to be 'needed' by a man. That is a self-destructive situation (to you and all the kids involved) and you basically need to wise up and own your insecurity. Go to counseling to find out why you have codependency issues and learn how to like yourself. You should have let this man go - well, you should have never taken him in the first place - and learn to live on your own and become 'ok' with yourself before you ever date another man. Like has been said, no less than one full year after break up - time just for learning to like yourself.

Do it for the kids.

btw, the crap he's feeding you is manipulation. He knows you're weak and he can manipulate himself back into your life. Get mad at him for helping you destroy your marriage, and for helping you mess up your own life. Tell him to man up and start being a better father for his own son, or his son will learn to hate him, too.

That was not a No Contact Letter in any form. A NC letter should very clearly state that you no longer want to ever have any form of contact with him again. You should not apologize to him. The only apology should be to your ex-husband.

I don't understand how you can try to give back cell phones, you either do it or don't. You put the phones in a box and mail them to him, done. If you really can't change your home phone number then get caller ID and do not answer the phone unless you know who it is and that it is not him. If he leaves a message erase it immediately without listening to it.

Have you read any of the posts on here about how it feels to be a betrayed spouse? If so then you have a glimpse at the pain you have put your ex-husband through and he is still there for you, not pressuring you to do what he wants, but supporting what you want. Don't mistake your affair partners manipulation as love for you, he only wants what he wants, not what is best for you and your family.