married for 3 years and been with her for 5 and a half. we had our problems but over all we had a really good relaionship. when we met we had a long distant relaionship and after dating for about 6 months we moved in together and later got married. she was a wonderful wife and i loved her very much. we had no kids together but she had 2 from previouse marriage which the father had nothing to do with them. My house would not sell so we had to move back to where i was from and into a small house which made living arrangements difficult. she decided not to work which put us in a finacial strain which magnified things. so now i"m working 65 hours a week to pay the bills, and no when i was at home all i wanted to do was spend time with my wife and kids. see i don"t have any so i really grew close to those kids. long story shot she met some one else as a friend in the beginning but now she is caring the children over their and spending weekends with him. we have been seperated for 3 months now and she is finally calling me and wanting to talk. I have ordered books from dr.Harleys web site and they have been a big help, but i"m not sure right now what to do ,before she started calling i was getting myself back together and now that we have been talking i am a mess again. It seems easier to give up and find someone else as she has done, but i know God hates divorce so apart of me wants to fight for my marrige even if she has given up. I also a played a big role in scewing up our relationship so it was a 50 50 thing. she is calling and i don"t know her intentions but if they are pure i will fight for my marriage. bottom line is if you read this then please pray. thanks

If you don't want a divorce, you don't have to go along with it, or make it easy for her. Fight for your marriage. One of the most important things you can do for that, is to fix yourself. Not saying there's anything wrong with you, but you can't change her, so all you can do is make yourself the best husband you can be, so that she will want to come back to you.

There is also a lot of info here about dealing with affairs. You need to read it and get all the instructions. Not sure if this applies, but I think even if you're separated, you can expose the affair, which can go a long way toward ending it; it's very complicated. Will someone else more familiar with the affair info please step in and verify or straighten me out?

If you want to recover tell your WW. But also tell her that not to contact you until she moves out and has no contact NC with the OM. If they work together WW must find another job.

So she stopped working and you had to work 65 hours a week to keep your family in a house and car? And for your trouble she found another guy? Gosh it sure hurts don't it. Well I think you did a great thing.

A friend of mine did the same thing. They had no kids and his wife did not want to work. So he had to work about 65 hours a week to keep up with her shopping. They ended up divorced after one of his neighbors called him to tell him his wife was doing the next door neighbor. Of course that guy was doing her also and he was mad she was doing the other neighbor. Of course his now XW said it was all his fault.

Just my opinion but your wife needs to find a job. You need to cut back on your hours and get a life. Do not fund her affair she can either have someone else do that or get a job.

If you want to save it fine but don't do it at any cost. What she is doing is so wrong and I would not take back a woman that did this to me but I am not you.

If she has a guy that will fund her affair and he is working 65 hours a week well she has no reason to stop. Best of luck to you.

Yes i do agree it is hard to want to take her back, ifeel i have sacrificed so much for her to betray me the way she did. She comes from a family that her dad is a contracter and her mom does not work and they have a 500,000 dollar home. I feel she gave up on the marriage because of money and that is so sad. The other thing is we did have a great relaionship and i guess i"m hoping that she would want to actually make things work and get a job. I am really confused because i don"t want to look back with any regrets because like i said i truly had my faults, no i never cheated or even considered it. But as ever day goes by i am growing so far away from her, and when i go out on weekends and start mingling with other people it is like i know there is another world to be found... I did not cause the affair but i feel like maybe i did not always give her the attention she needed. That is where i feel like she gave up because she should have came to me and tryed to talk to me. By the way when we met she was woking with ideas of trying to get her real estate license, I"m not sure what happened with that and yes i did ask her.

I hope you will do some reading here. And try to get the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". It is never good when one person sacrifices too much in a marriage. You were working too many hours and not available in the relationship. She found someone who was.

Does she have a history of doing things like this? I'm just wondering because you sound like a great guy.

Stick with us until you thoroughly understand the MB program. You may save your marriage, but you don't want the same old one back, but instead deserve a much better one.

And if wifey needs a $500,000. house to be happy, maybe SHE needs to work two jobs.

I do agree that i seemed to have lost alot of time with my family, i have alot of hobbies which i gave up by my choice, to spend time with my family which i really enjoyed. She has always worked but for some reason when we moved back to my home town she wanted to stay home and live that life. We where trying to have a child together which did not happen she had 3 miscarriages, which i beleive took a devastating toll on her. I have now 3 books from dr.harley which is the reason i have not given up on my marriage, the books are so inspiring. All I know is that she calling me now and i"m not truly sure of her intentions, but i don"t want to look back and go I wish..... But as I said i do not have kids so it would not be that hard to pick up the pieces of my life and start over,so i admitt that i am at a crossroads, but then again she has not totally committed into wanting to make it work, and as i said every day that goes by it seems that we are growing further apart. confused

Start doing some of those hobbies you gave up.

If you talk to her, be pleasant and upbeat. Do not LB her by calling her names, accusing her or being negative. It is best not to talk about your relationship while she is still seeing the OM. You CAN let her know that it hurts you, but then go on to chatting about something else.

Affairs always end and then she may be back. We always suggest that folks try to save their marriages unless there is abuse or a substance abuse problem. That way in five years you can look back and know that you gave it your best, and have no regrets.

So far in all the conversations we have had has been very upbeat I"m trying to restore her love bank from me. I really screwed up the other night she pulled out her digital camera and started showing me pictures and i told her that i did not want to see them not trying to be mean but i knew what was going to happen and it did she kept on until she showed me a picture of him and her, and i did loose it. I hate that i did because i think she was testing me, no excuse but i sure did fail...But i think most people would have...

Tell her that you are her husband and have no desire at all to see her affair partner. If she continues showing photos, leave the room, or leave the house. You can be upbeat and pleasant without being a doormat.

Are you still giving her money?

I met with her a we went and purchased the kids easter gifts, which i had no problem with. Other then that we had lunch a few times and that was about it. I'm still very confused with her intentions, one minute she wants to make it work the next she has nothing to do with me... Like i said slowly but surely we are drifting apart. The worst is still coming , I kind of knew that it was going to happen, but i just found out that she is moving in with him.....

I agree, pick up your hobbies again. If you gave up everything to focus just on her and her kids, it's good in one way, but it's very stifling for her, and it can make you appear weak. Women don't like weak men - they often make women mad, in fact. So mad that they decide they don't want that man any more.

You need to be a confident, fun-loving, active person, for her to see you as wantable. I tell people to make themselves as 'attractive' as possible.

Yes i agree with what you are saying but it was like i felt that when i was not working, i needed to spend as much time with her as possible. As far as picking up my hobbies again that has been no problem, I HAVE VERY MUCH SO... As a family we did do things together,, but i do agree that i should have taken more time out to play golf, which i pretty much had given up, but alot of that was due to finances. Right now she is calling me and i guess that is a positive thing, i am staying up beat with her,but with her moving in with him that is almost like the dagger that wants me to get out there and start my life over.... Like i said i have no ties, but apart of me still has not given up on her. I have been talking with her for about 3 weeks now, and I"m not ready to go to plan B just yet...

The advice here is very spot on. But I also like www.bettermen.org, which is specifically for men, how to be better husbands, friends, fathers. Good stuff there. There's a book there I bought, hoping to get my H to read, called 'Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.' about how to have a balanced life, which makes you a better husband.

Thanks for the advice, I will check out that web site...