This was a previous post under Divorcing/Divorced "Failed at Recovery" I will paste the latest posts following this.

I am going to post a few times to catch everyone up. First of all, we have separated. I left my 12 y/o child with my first wife and my 3 y/o child with the current wife. I have bgrought my 10 y/o with me to florida. I have been here in florida for 1 month and it has been hell, but more on that later...

I came to florida to find a new start, my drinking is almost at a minimum (1-2 times a week) compared to every night that i used to drink i am doing much better. I am drinking more than i should, i know but i am never drinking alone, it is social.

I have been with my mom for this entire time and she has supported me in this separation. She has been great to me.

I have not found a job here but was offered my old job at the same pay in North carolina. I will take it because I want to be near my kids, they are more important in this case.

I plan on moving back in a few weeks. I will start working and get an appartment before i bring my 10 y/o with me. I have nothing again, everything was left with my wife. Starting over for the 2nd time sucks but i know what to expect.

I am trying very hard to be good support for my children, what you all have said has really affected my thinking. You are right, i need to be around my kids so i am.

Now the real reason I am in this situation...

The week before I left North carolina I was told many things by my wife but she ultimately wanted to separate. I didn't trust her so i hired a Private Investigator for 1 months time.

Meanwhile the first few weeks was like a roller coaster, up and down. She misses me then she doesnt call, then she calls, then she doesn't. The third week was getting worse, she stopped talking to me at night at all, only during the day time while she was at work. Then it all came together when i was contacted by the P.I. on easter night.

She has been dating, seeing, and spending almost every night with the same Man since I left. The same freaking guy she told me about 6 months ago! I was devestated, all this time with her wasted because she was leaving me for him.

After I told her about the P.I. she didn't deny it anymore and told me she was with him and that she is happy. He is always high (with her) or drunk, she is living the party life again. I cried on the phone to her and begged her to come back, I asked her to come back to me and move to florida, she turned me down. She even told me that they already were together and that they are sleeping together, (yeah that helped my emmotions). Thats when I decided to move back to North carolina.

One day I was angry and mean to her on the phone, the next day I was telling her how much I love her and would do anything to get her back. Nothing worked she didn't listen, it got worse when I told her that I was moving back there. She said she is in love with this man, she wants to be with him.

I know at this point that I have to let her new relationship run its course. I came to agreement with her that we are just friends for our 3 y/o but our marriage is over. Crying as I write, I love her...

But I will wait for her, I don't want anyone else. I hurt sooo bad right now. All this time she said it was me but she was with this guy the entire time. I tried to get her to quit her job, she wouldn't, I tried to get her to be open with me, she wouldn't, I tried to get her to be honest with me, she wouldn't... It was all a lie.

Now I am at a point of self destruction, I can't win. I read plan A and plan B over and over and over and did everything I was supposed to do. Now I am giving up on her, 8 years with her. 7 1/2 were great, and in a fraction of her life she decides she wants to be with someone else.

I am really lost right now, I look forward to your responses.

I forgot this part...

April 4th is our anniversary, I already purchased flowers to be sent to her work next tuesday (4 days before the anniversary).

Also, she is coming to florida with our 3 y/o to go to disney for a day and for me to see him. This is going to be hard for me to deal with but i know i just have to concentrate on my 3 y/o. It also sucks that we went on our honeymoon to disney, this may crush me. What if she wants to have sex? what do i say to her while she is here? Man... This is going to hurt.

I have just typed my Plan B letter of NC with WW to give her when she leaves next weekend.

Plan B without a strong Plan A first is really the beginning of Plan D...

What did you do in the way of Plan A and for how long?

Mark

I will try to sum this up for you of my Plan A.

It all started when I quit my job, I was with the same place for 8 years and quit without notice. My wife found a job working with her "Best" friend (Female). I then watched our 2 y/o son while she was at work while I was looking for a job.

Then the wife started to go out with her friend on a regular basis, I trusted her and figured no big deal. The wife then started to go to her "best" friends house in which the "best" friend had 2 male roomates.

I was still trusting and didn't really see the signs until one night she called me and asked to stay the night at her "best" friends house. I told her no, that she needed to come home by cab if she was drunk, that she is married and a wife doesn't have sleep overs where other men are living in the same house.

Then the arguments started, we never really argued for 7 1/2 years and all of a sudden we argued alot. She continued to go out with her "best" friend, we couldn't agree on many issues at this point because of financial difficulties.

Then one day she told me that she had "Strong Feelings" for her "best" friends roomate. I freaked out! I didn't know what to do, I told her that "I give up" and she responded to me that she wanted me to fight for her.

I then tried to get my act together with kindness but I hurt really bad. She would be daydreaming and I would ask her whats wrong and she would tell me how she was thinking of the OM. I couldn't handle the pressure and started to argue with her again. Then She asked me if she could go to a beach trip with her "best" friend. I got very suspicious and broke into her myspace account.

In her Myspace account were letters from the OM talking to her about being together etc. and the plans that they had made to go on a beach trip together. I freaked out, again.

Then I confronted her about the beach trip and she lied to me for 4 hours until I finnaly told her how I knew. She said she was sorry and thats when I started to read plan A.

I will continue my plan A on the next post...

I read up on Plan A and Plan B from this site and started to post on the just found out forum.

First I made her write a NC to the OM, she said she gave it to him and told me that the OM was mad at her but I have no idea if she told me the truth. I then exposed her to her family, friends, and her work.

The problem with her work is that her "best" friend and the roomates would go to lunch together every day. They all also worked together which was a big problem. I continued to tell her that she had to quit her job but she continued to refuse with many excusses and said that she didn't have contact with the OM.

we went to marriage counciling for a while and things seemed to go ok but not all the time. I knew that she had to stop working at this place but she continued to refuse, I saw DOOM approaching but she told me that I had to keep this marriage together that she was not "In love with me anymore and couldn't put forth the effort"

One week she was fine then the next was bad because she would go out again with her "best" friend and we would argue. She wasn't where she said she was going to be, she would not answere my phone calls and sometimes shut her phone off. The end was approaching and she started to shut down on my emmotionally, I couldn't talk to her because she was no longer listening.

The final act was when she went out and lied about where she was going, I went to the place she said she was at and the place was closed. I called her and she argued with me on the phone and turned the phone off. She came home a few hours later and said she wanted to separate. Two weeks later I left for florida.

I also wanted to mention that in the last two weeks she told me

"This is a separation with the intentions of getting back together, remember thats it's only temporary."

She told me that she loved me and felt good about our return.

A few days ago she retracted that statement and told me to stop trying, it's over.

I havent talked with her since.

Brother i know exactly where you are at because i am right there with you in alot of the same ways. I am also wanting, and i am getting feedback from my wife about making it work and going to counseling together. But all my friends who no the situation and looking from the outside in says stop and take care of yourself and let everything else just happen. After reading your ordeal it seems like it would be much easier to just completely stick to [plan b] and focus on yourself and let life take its course. Trust me i know how hard it is to do because right now as I"m typing this to you i wish she would call. I don"t want to give up either but I"m not sure right now what is best anymore.It really seems that me personaly that when i had no communication with her that i was geting so much better... All i know this is one of lifes truest test of willpower, so just don"t let it break you. It has come close to breaking me, but i know that the future will get better. later and wish you the best.

Erinn,

Plan A is really all about you. It isn't really a way to make her do anything, but more a method of trying to win her back and cause her to see that you are the better choice. To this end, Plan A requires that you identify her Emotional Needs (ENs) and your own Love Busters. You do what she will allow in meeting her ENs while doing all you can to kill any love busters you might be doing that reduce your balance in her love bank.

Discussions about the state of the relationship are pointless if she is in contact with OM and rest assured that even if she did send him a NC letter, which you should have been allowed to see and approve before it got sent and ideally should have been allowed to drop into the mail box, as long as she is in contact with her best friend (female) and that best friend still lives in a house with OM, the idea of NC being real and permanent is a fallacy.


Please read the first few posts in this link...

Musings From Mark

The links to other threads don't work right now, but I will try to find some of the new links and post them here for you to read. Be sure to read the first couple of threads pinned to the top of the Just Found Out forum - Longhorn's Thread and WAT's thread and I will try to link BP's Toolkit for BSs.

When confronted, most WS typically attempt to strike a bargain that includes keeping OP in their lives. Often this is moving out so they can continue the affair full bore without interference by their spouse, but can also include things like trying to remain friends etc. These are all simply ways of trying to keep both you and OM.

Also read through TMTS's thread when you get a chance as it will show you how to get from begging and arguing to get her back to a solid Plan A to win her back.

TMTS Story

Bob Pure's BS Toolkit v 2.0

Unfortunately, many of the links in these posts don't work right now due to the recent upgrades to the boards.

Have you read Surviving An Affair yet? I assume you have read the Basic Concepts. Have you read the Q&A columns related to surviving infidelity?

She is trying to keep the option open to come home to you when her affair has run its course. This is typical. You should also know that most affairs end within two years from their start and almost all of them end sooner than that.

Have you exposed this affair to anyone who might have influence on her? Who?

Do a search for a thread about Reverse babble by Orchid. I'll see if I can get it and link it here, but look for it in case I can't get to it.

What your wife is saying, that it is over and you should just give up is patently typical WS talk. It is what we call fog-babble. Don't but into any of it. If you want your marriage to survive, you must focus your efforts toward accomplishing that goal. You must learn to ignore what she says, since it will change based on how recently she has seen OM and whether or not she has enjoyed her recent time with you, and just understand that any talk of the marriage or relationship will be certain to make her unhappy right now. First you have to save your marriage; worry about fixing it later.

I can also tell you that if you post your story on the General Questions II forum under Infidelity, you will get many more replies since there is much higher traffic there than here.

Mark

After reading your responses I called her with the intention of talking with her but asked to speak with my 3 y/o. The 3 y/o was sleeping (a nap) so I started to talk with her.

I did great! I talked to her about things in general in a possitive way. I didn't talk about marriage, relationships, or anything like that. I kept her up to date on what I am doing with my life in a possitive manor and had a great conversation with her.

We laughed alot and I was very happy talking to her. I see now what I need to do, how I need to bring this together but I have to be strong.

I never would wash the car while married, I was lazy. I told her how I am very active now (unlike I was before) and I am, I feel great to be active. When I told her about washing my car she said, why couldn't you wash our car before? I said "Don't dig into the past, we don't need to remind ourselves of the past and the bad things that happened. I am very possitive and life is too short to dwell on the past."

She didn't bring up anything from the past again during our 1 hour conversation.

She said something about me getting married again, the next wife will have to deal with 2 X-wives. I responded to her that I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready to see other women for a long time. She had no response.

We talked alot of about what my plans are when I move back. She spoke about her plans to get an appartment and spoke of financial difficulties and that she is unable to do fun things with our 3 y/o. I have just budgeted with the pay from my new job and told her that I would be happy to take her and the 3 y/o to some fun places on my expense with no pressure on her that I am pushing a date with her.

I will not ask her for a date, she will have to approach me on that issue (or hint at it). I will not push any issue about marriage, relationships, sex, etc. Unless she says something to me first.

I feel good right now and thats how I need to stay. When I get to the point that we are going to talk about us again, I will deffinatley seek advise.

I have a possitive outlook toward being around my children again and my career and thats what I am focused on.

I will keep posting and see how things work out for me. You all keep posting too, I am listening.

Is WW livivng alone? Seeing OM?

Sounds like you are doing a good plan A.

She is living alone with our 3 y/o and looking for an appartment for herself and the 3 y/o. The OM owns his house so he wouldn't be moving in with her, she would move in with him.

Yes, she was seeing the OM the last I knew, I havent talked to her about it but she says that she has been spending alot of time by herself and our 3 y/o.

I have to say that I have tremendous support for our marriage by her older brother. I have No support for our marriage from her Mother. She respects her brother and trusts his opinion. She never really followed what her mom had to say with issues but her mom does have influence.

Next weekend will be great, I am very possitive. I am not thinking about a relationship with her, I am thinking about being nice and possitive toward her. Not thinking about OM, well... trying not to. That will come later I guess, 1 step at a time.

Erinn,

Did you read what I linked?

Mark

Yes I did Mark, I am understanding now more than ever in these last few days (THANK YOU). I have been angry and bitter for so long I feel that I may have made her unattainable to me in the future. Although that is possible, I will not give up on her and I will continue to do what I need to do.

Love is a beautiful thing, I never thought that I would go to this great length for a woman that I loved.

I am focused now and will see her this friday for the first time in over a month. I am very excited right now, before I was scared because I didn't really have an idea of what I would do or say. I am very possitive right now and feel I can stay that way, I have been negative for so long that I am sick of my negative ways.

I have forgave her already (I havent told her this) but I know that for how ever long it takes I will show her that I am the possitive and careing guy she married in the first place.

I forgot to post this before:

When I spoke with WW on the phone she talked about work and her "best" friend in a very negative manor.

There is alot of drama at her work place and her "best" friend is acting very negative toward everyone because of a man that she is unable to get. WW's "best" friend has been trying to date this man for many months and has been turned down every time she has tried to date him. Now the WW's "best" friend is making all around her miserable, WW is falling into the drama but seems that WW is tired of the drama that her "best" friend causes.

(i see myself and how I acted toward her before as the above)

My question is, what do I say when she brings up the negative things she encounters at work and with her "best" friend? Last time all I could say was that "I'm sorry, thats too bad."

I want to help her but I know I can't say anything negative to her at this point.

Ask her if she thinks her friend should see that it is pointless, that she should think of finding another person to try to date. If so, ask her what she thinks she can do to help her friend understand this. You would be asking your WW about her feelings, and you would be showing her that you have faith in her ability to solve problems and help people. Respect and admiration. We all thrive on it. Become the person who provides her that.

I texted her after reading your post and said:

Hey, I was thinking about what you said about your "best" friend and how she is acting. Have you thought of ways that you could get her out to meet other people? She seems to need help in that manor and doesn't know what to do.

You are right about getting WW to stop being negative when her friend is in bad shape, I should encourage WW to think possitive as well.

Her visit was postponed until the following weekend. I will be sad this friday (April 4th), it's our anniversary. I don't know if I should call her on Friday or what.

She will probably be with her new boyfriend, thinking negative but that day is going to be hard for me.