This is my first post. I found out that my wife had an on-again off-again EA/PA with a client for 2 1/2 years of our marriage. After a significant roller coaster ride for the two of us she has commited to rebuilding our marriage as have I. We discussed this with our MC that there were issues that predated the A that we need to work on to make our marriage work. The OM is in a commited relationship, he is getting married this summer, and seems to want to move on. NC has been established for over a month after I contacted OM and stated I never wanted him to contact my wife again. She no longer has him as a client and has a new fulltime job now so contact isn't really the issue, its really the commitment to our relationship.

My wife has discussed the A with me at some length but still tries to rationalize things and isn't being completely honest. I know her feelings for the OM were stronger than she wants to admit to me and during NC she has been somewhat in withrdrawal phase that seems to be winding down after 3 to 4 weeks of completely NC and very limited c before that. My question is can we move forward as a couple adressing the issues of our relationship and marriage without fully rehashing all aspects of the A? I want to move on but I think there are issues here that eventually need to be adressed. Any comments.

btb,

If she is not being completely honest with you about issues, there's a problem. If she's still hiding things about the A, she is still attached at some point.

Is she not telling you the truth because of your reactions? Are you hostile every time she comes clean with a new fact? It sounds to me like she is still in the fog and is not seeing things clearly yet. I have never dealt with getting someone out of the fog, so hopefully come Vets swing by to help you out.

IMO, you are the one who should control what and how much information about the A is necessary. She has all of the facts - you have very little. If, after thinking about it for a day or two, you still need to know the answer to something, she NEEDS to be honest and give you that info. If she refuses or tells a known lie, you have problems.

Total honesty is one of the big ways for her to help fix the mess she has caused.

First of all, tell his fiance regardless of the current state of the A. Maybe she'll choose to avoid the nightmare of infidelty altogether. She has the right to make an informed decision about her future. Not to mention the [censored] deserves it. If this angers your wife, take it as a big red flag that something is up.

I would also be a little concerned that YOU had to tell OM to stop all contact...your wife should've done this with you looking over her shoulder. Maybe OM thought it was OK to sleep with your wife until you let him know otherwise?

Like everyone else says...you deserve to know as much as you want...from what they had for lunch to what positions they screwed in.

To this day, I won't eat at Chili's!

It takes six months for the WW to come out of the fog. Two years for recovery. That's why your WW is not herself yet.

All of your questions should be answered. She needs to figure out the reason for the affair. The two of you need to do the emotional needs questionnaire and figure out each other's top needs and vow to meet them. Don't keep quiet to keep the peace. That is a big mistake.

Great advice from all of you. I do know enough of the A but we eventually need to dig up the reasons for A as we discuss our relationship moving forward. Things were pretty explosive at first but then went into a pattern of FWW trying to avoid the issue and stopped MC. I told her that i would be there for her as she gets on her feet with her new job but if she didn't work toward recovering our marriage i would need to move on eventually and gave her a date. After initally being upset she decided to go back to MC and we had our best session to date and that night had a nice date where we talked, danced and enjoyed each other's company. I know this will take a long time, and it still hurts, but it seems we are starting to go in the right direction. I really don't think i could have gotten this far without this site. The articles, books and forums have been been a huge help, as well as the advice.