Though both of us are Catholic, my wife and I are non-religious people. We got married in a Catholic ceremony, but that is about the extent of our churchgoing for the last 6 years. Between the two of us, I would say I have fallen farthest from the faith -- my wife continues to respect some traditions, if only because her family would look down on her if she didn't.

We now have two kids, and are under pressure from our parents to baptize our children, to the point where our parents are making plans and talking to priests. Here's where the conflict has arisen: I wiould prefer our kids be able to make their own decision about baptism when they are old enough to know what they are getting into. My wife thinks I am being too idealistic and I should "just go with it." I am rather surprised at her opinion on the matter, because, like I said, religion plays no part in our daily lives.

This has become a point of contention between us that I never expected, and I am not sure what to do. Part of me thinks it would be easier to "just go with it." Believe me, I have no desire to be a pariah in the family. But the other part of me thinks that, as a parent, I should have part of the final say as to what our children do -- not their grandparents.

Honestly, I am ambivalent about my kids getting baptized. I am really just incensed that no one bothered to ask me or include me in their plans. My wife, in fact, has never brought up baptism *except* under pressure from her parents (or mine), which incenses me even more. The zeal with which our parents have been planning our kids' baptisms makes me think that, all this time, they have felt my wife and I were not making the right decisions for our kids.

I don't know how to smooth this over with my wife and family. Help!

You highlighted the problem already, though you may have missed it:
You guys sound like you're in your 20s. If so, I would suggest that people your age often have a hard time separating themselves from their parents - adult but not so adult that you're not still trying to win your parents' approval, and trying to prove you 'got it right' as far as their upbringing.

But the truth is, you ARE adults. This IS your family now. It IS your decision what you do with your children. The sooner you accept that, the less hassle and strain it will place on your marriage.

When we had our daughter, we didn't give her a middle name. Mainly because our last name is so complicated, we didn't want to saddle her with more than that. My stepmother let me know (and I was 31!) in no uncertain terms that her heart was broken (her words) because we're putting our daughter through a life of h&ll by not having a middle name, not to mention some sort of religious blasphemy she felt we were doing. I had to tell her that, while I respected her feelings, what we name our child was our own business and no one else's.

When you get married and have children, you're carrying on God's plan to start a new family of your own, with new traditions, if you so choose, your own rules, your own goals. Your parents' job was to raise you to adulthood; at that point, they are supposed to back off and let you sink or swim.

But what often happens is what your wife is doing - still trying to win their approval by making decisions in alignment with theirs. You need to respectfully tell them you appreciate their concern, but that you will raise your children according to your own set of joint rules as husband and wife. You could point out to them that if they are secure in their belief that they did a good job raising you, they should be secure enough to know that you will do a good job raising your own children. You might even thank them for doing such a good job on the two of you (can't hurt!).

Finally, though, you need to make sure that you and your wife sit down and honestly talk through your feelings about your need to impress your parents, weighed against your belief in yourselves. I've seen many marriages falter because one of the two is not willing to let go of their need to impress their parents.

That said, if you do have a religious leaning, I'd urge you to consider starting to go to church with your kids. There is tons - and I mean tons - of research showing that kids who regularly go to church have extremely higher chances of excelling in life than those who don't. I don't necessarily mean because of the religious teaching they're getting, but because of the sense of community they get from the church - a community that is ALL about goodness, and honesty, and helpfulness, and humility...just tons of traits they'll pick up from that structure.

And don't think you have to stick with Catholicism. I know many people who have moved from the Catholic church to others, like Lutheran and Methodist, or the nondenominational ones that are popping up all over (though I would be careful of them). In fact, just yesterday, our friends came to our church, as they were in between churches. She was a Catholic, he was a Lutheran, and they'd been going to a Methodist church (he was thrilled to get to go back to a Lutheran church, LOL); but she liked it, too, and didn't feel compelled to have to go back to the Catholic church just because her family still does. You could make it a family event, to try out a new church once a month, til you find one that you get a good vibe off of.

Thanks for your insightful response. We are actually in our early 30s, but you were close!

Full disclosure: I consider myself an agnostic, but that doesn't mean I'm closed to new ideas.

The huge irony is that, around the same time our parents were colluding to plan a baptism, it was *I* who was suggested that maybe we start taking our kids to church, if only to get them socialized and out in the world. When it comes to baptism, however, I feel it is up to the individual to decide when they are ready whether to give themselves to the church.

I fear that my wife is now aligned with our parents thinking, and is only now promoting the idea of baptism now that our parents are behind her. In her own words, I am treating baptism like its "evil." In reality, I do not. I just think we should have made the decision together, and not under outside pressure. I can't help but feel "ganged-up" on.

Crow, it sounds a little to me like you are more mad about what you perceive as your parents and wife ganging up on you and than you are specifically opposed to baptism.

If this were strictly about baptism, I would side with your wife because your argument that you want the children to have the option to choose getting baptized on their own doesn't hold much water. Getting baptized as a baby does not prevent you from getting baptized again as an adult if you feel a strong conviction about it.

Can you take yourself out of this adversarial mode? Or have you set it up so that the only way you'll feel like you made the decision together is if there is no baptism? Can you apply the policy of joint agreement here? I know you have an open mind, so just keep trying to work it out.

I know this may sound too simple, but religion really only effects the ones who believe. If the grandparents are that religious, then they are obviously concerned for your children. If it doesn't bother you I would go with. Religion is a tricky thing, but since you don't have a strong faith to begin with its really not going to hurt anyone, and it will make the grandparents feel like they have played apart in your children's lives, which makes them feel special. My family is catholic, but my parents never went to church. The only time I got to go was when my aunt or grandmother took me, which wasn't often. I feel it kept me open minded, but at the same time, allowed me to sample religion. Now that I am older, I go to church regularly and I really enjoy it. But, ultimately it was my decision, not my parents or anyone elses. I think overall, you have to pick your battles, and think of where the grandparents are coming from. Although you may feel like they are telling you your bad parents by them stepping in, it may be more on the side of they love you and your children and believe that they are simply helping get your children one step closer to heaven.

Good Luck, and try to relax. In Laws really aren't vindictive, we're just always paranoid of them.