You NEED to expose, and HER FATHER,is the most important exposure.

You NEED to insist that she finds another job.

I mean, she says your marriage is over anyways, right? So she wants to CHANGE YOUR life and YOUR KIDS life, and YOU have NO SAY in this. So, exposure to her father and telling her to find new employement have only POSITIVE outcomes, not negative for this marriage is OVER WHETHER OR NOT YOU DO ANYTHING. So do something. MAKE it uncomfortable. Make it difficult. SHE DID THIS to herself as soon as she deemed HER VOWS, HER PROMISE, HER WORD, as something meaningless. As soon as she stopped caring about you, not only as a partner, but as a person.

And this "NO JUDGEMENT" stuff? Come on. She CHEATED on you! Affairs are bad, period. There is no excuse for it. Period. If you can't judge this................

Really, there is no valid reason why, except selfishness and lack of human decency.

Gaba, Jersey, Krazy,

Thanks for input.

Zabasearch didn't help find OM's wife, but thanks for the suggestion.

Yeah, it did bug me somewhat that her brother had more influence than I did. The threat of our children not getting to be around her siblings + nephews + parents as much was more damaging to her than our children not getting to be around their own parents as much.

I'm still in two minds about increased exposure for the A. I would there to be more exposure but I need to be convinced that it would have benefit other than just me getting to vent a bit and that it would not be counter productive.

You aren't listening. Not trying to be rude, but it's true. We ALL keep telling you that what she is saying isn't really her - it's the addict version of her. WWs revise their version of your marriage, to make it palatable to justify an affair. She is lying to herself, and she is probably lying to you about the affair being over.

Have you read any of the other posts here? Wayward spouses sometimes get portable phones that they hide, just to keep on having the affair! They switch their phones to ring only at work so the spouse can't see it! They lie to their family, even their kids, just so they can arrange another 'fix' of the affair partner. They are NOT themselves!

If you keep believing that she has the right to follow this tactic, you will lose your marriage. If you listen to the advice here, and do what we're suggesting - especially exposing the affair - you MAY save it.

Exposure is more about getting it out in the open so it's not fun any more. It's about letting everyone involved know, so they keep an eye out for your benefit and don't let them keep getting together, or get back together later. It's about having to eat crow and understand humility to family and friends, that you've done something wrong, and recognizing the look on their faces that tells you you've done something horrible to your husband.

Affairs won't stop without doing this! She may stop seeing him, but another will come. Even if she divorces you and marries someone else, she'll just do it again when the going gets rough. Do you love her enough to do the tough love to help her get out of this routine?

Cats,

Appreciate the advice, no offense taken...

I would very much like her to quit work and A exposure to her boss may force this.

I'm not sure about exposure to her father, I know him well enough to believe that he would probably never forgive her even if we do fully reconcile.

E,
welcome to the wild world of affairs..my brother
sooo.. whose advice will you follow???
a few more thoughts
get a working idea of how women think..
the reason she took it more to heart what her brother said rather than YOU..is because she fears losing her BLOOD family

YOU are expendable.. THEY are NOT..
she needs support and love
BUT right now they are threatening her...
put yorself in her place..if YOU were getting bashed by your family.. would you LISTEN to them...
If Husband was not good for her
AND.. father/brother bashing her..
where would she go???? OM??? maybe
go easy on the bashing

give her simple boundaries
let her know that
1. NO more sex with OM
2. you and kids are a happy safe haven for her
what does divorce look like to her??
she gets kids, house and money to raise kids by herself???
(( a pro would tell het that thats a hard life))
she gets to have TRUE LOVE with OM
(( a pro would tell her that UNLIKELY))
she gets to be an accepted member of her Blood family???
(( very unlikely))
get her talking about this stuff.. let her future sink in

.. she works in lwa.. ask her to talk to the single moms she works with..
help her get a REALITY check..
JB

My theory is that she didn't really care what her brother said, either. It may have affected her briefly, but I'm sure a few days later it was all forgotten when "Mr. Charming" opened his mouth.

"Of course I'm maintaining No Contact! Didn't you see how upset I was?!"

Jersey,

Very perceptive insights. thanks

Krazy,

I think that she did care what her brother said - although she sometimes thinks that I put him up to it. She was extremely hurt by the thought that her family would cut out contact with our children.

Oh yeah, BTW, I asked her last night what was on her mind. After some pushing, she said that she felt continually threatened by me and that if I love her, I have a strange way of showing it. She believes that I will initiate an ugly custody battle if she does not attempt a reconciliation and she says that a reconciliation under those conditions is impossible.
I've done what I can to ease her fears. I don't know how successful I was.
Later on, she pretty much asked how long she had to put up with the current living situation for me to be fair and just let her go without a fight. I replied that I believed there had to be at least 6 months (preferably a year) between ending an affair and being able to calmly discuss whether or not we should divorce. She said that she didn't think that it mattered how much time there was, that I was going to make it ugly anyway...

Sorry, I am starting to vent a little bit here....

Yeah, YOU are the bad, bad man who is going to make it tough on her!

If she was so concerned about a nasty divorce, maybe she should've divorced THEN slept around, ya think?

Don't let her turn this around on you...they all try the "You're punishing me!" crap...don't buy into it.


After the thousandth or so interrogation of my W, she tried claiming that I was only asking questions to "punish" her.

My response was something like, "First of all, there should be nothing to punish you for. You created this mess. Do you really think I enjoy asking my wife what positions she f_cked another man in?! Many people in your situation end up hospitalized or dead when they are caught red-handed by their spouse, so consider yourself lucky even if this is punishment!!"


The argument was over at that point.

E
vent all you want..this is the place for it..
so..
what do we know 1. your wife is lawyer and she assumes evryone is her "enemy"..thats what lawyers do..she has that gunfighter mentality..ok..
we also know this.. she will always be your kids MOM...YOU can divorce her BUT she will alawys be their mom..think about this..AND YOU will always be their DAD

a counselor could really distill out her thoughts.. won't she go.. even for the kids???
a counselor will tell her what this atmosphere is doing to small kids
also check out WHERE she is getting support for her ideas..
what are her woman friends telling her to do ???
you can bet the ranch she has a support group..
give her a view abiut what SHARED custody really looks like
about the quality of MAN who she will have coming around HER..
(( 43 with 3 small kids??)))
single Momhood...=== the PITs
and the first time she sees YOU with another woman....
BUT..
BUT..
BUT

BE NICE
jb

Thanks Jersey,

She has several divorced friends with whom she talks. In the past she has had no respect for their relationship skills but now she suddenly understands them.

I suggested a counsellor to her back in January, her reply was - "I'm perfectly happy, for the first time in my life. I don't need to see a counsellor". We did try joint counselling in December shortly after DDay but my wife wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear so she stopped after 3 sessions. I continued until recently.

I did some on-line research of my own on the impact of divorce on children - lots of studies out there. This one summarises a bunch of them...

http://www.josh.org/notes/file/Internet8-Divorce.pdf

Bottom line is Divorce is probably good for the children when it ends 'high conflict' marriages. Divorce is probably bad when it ends 'low-conflict' marriages. The 'probably' part is because no one really knows what will happen in an individual case. All the studies can do is report statistical findings.

'High-conflict' marriages that end in divorce are defined as those with a long-term continuous openly abusive environment (physical and/or verbal) in front of the children. About 33% of divorces stem from high conflict marriages. The remaining 67% are low-conflict marriages - those where the children are unaware that anything is amiss. Divorce in these cases is usually because one or both spouse(s) is/are unhappy or bored. Our marriage was probably as low conflict as possible. I wasn't even aware how seriously things were amiss.

Regarding me and another woman - shortly after DDay I asked my wife what she would do if she had a magic wand. She answered - provide me with another woman with whom I could fall passionately in love and experience what she was experiencing with OM. Not quite the answer I was hoping for.

That's a really good point! She was desirable before, because she was married and it was a contest of sorts to see if she would be led astray, and exciting because it was all about secrecy. But once she's on her own, she's just one more divorced woman out there desperate to find a man to help pay for her kids. Who's gonna want her then?

Why are you even waffling on this? She says she wants to leave. What do you have to lose by full exposure? Until you fully expose this thing, she can:

1. Continue the affair
2. Continue her plans to leave
3. Spin her own version of events to explain to everyone why she is leaving/left and you can be sure you'll be the bad guy in this
4. Continue to manipulate you with fog speak
5. Possibly even manipulate you into giving up more than you are legally required to upon divorce
6. Destroy yours and your children's lives
7. Do all of the above without an ounce of shame

Her family sounds like they could be harsh. Great - let them! This is the type of exposure that works best! Sure, she'll be angry. Expect it, but remember, her affair was the action that resulted in these consequences, not you telling people.
-

I agree with your logic

But here's what I believe is my wife's logic:

1) Although OM swears that he will make her happy forever and that he can easily handle 3 young children, she is smart enough to realise OM relationship will probably not last no matter how much she loves him right now or what OM says - too much of an age difference

2) She is smart enough to recognise that divorce will probably put her out on her own with 3 young children

3) She prefers the idea of being on her own than being in an unhappy marriage that she does not think ever was (or ever can be) based on a deep intimate and passionate mutual understanding. She also believes that this will be better for the children.

Tabby,

Full exposure is an irreversible action. I think that I need to let the idea digest for a while. Thanks for your thoughts.

Evicer8d, your wife's logic is fogspeak. Exposure is irreversable, but so is the damage your wife's affair caused (and will continue to cause until you stop it).

Tabby,

Yep, you're probably right. I just need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the wrath that I will probably incur.

I need to get contact information on OM's separated wife. Although she knows about OM and my wife, she may not know that my wife is married with 3 young children. I would also very much like to understand what caused their marriage to fail and why they are still separated after 8 years. It would be quite an eye-opener to my wife if it was as the result of an affair.

Evis, I haven't posted to you before but being in the legal field, your situation kind of caught my eye. I have a hard time believing that OM has been separated for 8 years unless it's for financial reasons. But whatever. The reason for my post is that exposure at work will be an extremely effective tool in your situation because of the nature of their occupations (ethics and all that).

You HAVE nothing to lose. You've already lost your wife. She CHEATED on you and professes to LOVE another. How will HER anger over exposure TRUMP the destruction of your family by HER actions? This won't be your wife you're dealing with. It will be your wandering spouse. Your WIFE would understand and respect that you are fighting for your family.

Anyway, just my .02.