Hi all ..

Three years ago, my husband of 20 years walked out to continue an affair he had started with a 23 year old married girl who had a young child. My husband was 48 at that time.

I learned that the affair had already been going on for a year, which means she was only 22 when their affair started.

She filed for divorce from her husband the day after my husband left me, quit her job, moved from the small town she was living in and within a week moved into an apartment with my husband.

Fast work.

Well, I'm divorced now and I'm dealing with the horrible shock of it all happening so quickly.

What I'm having a hard time understanding is ..

There is a 25 year age difference between them. Their affair was begun in deceit, lies and the ultimate destruction of two marriages, not to mention emotional devastation of our kids.

How in the heck is it possible that their affair has lasted almost FOUR YEARS?

I consulted a therapist right after my husband left me and she said that their affair didn't have a snowball's chance of surviving. She predicted that it would last six months at most.

I just don't understand.

I do know that my husband is miserable. He has begun drinking heavily again (a reformed alcoholic) and cannot keep a job.

Please tell me what I'm not seeing, if you can.

Thanks so much
Val

Whoops..

I don't think I posted in exactly the right place, but hopefully some of you can still give me your thoughts.

I think I'm having a hard time with this because it hit me out of the blue. I thought we were happily married until the day my husband walked out.

I believe that the day he walked out was on impulse. I don't think he had planned to leave me because we had recently signed some important financial papers.

The day he walked out, I had just brought my mom to our house from the hospital because she wasn't physically able to return to her house yet. We were also keeping our two very small grandkids that weekend. It was chaotic, and I think the confusion overwhelmed him. He walked away on impulse, I truly believe.

Anyway, I never found closure to this. He still calls me regularly, telling me he loves me and the kids. He tells me he's miserable.

I think the Other Woman is a fatal attraction. I don't think she will ever leave because her life style is more than she's ever had in her life, and she's not about to give it up.

Yet, he stays with her. She's not particularly attractive. She's certainly not bright. She's just young. Is that enough to keep the affair going four years?

I would appreciate your thoughts

You probably want to post in the General Questions II forum, as 'Just Found Out...' is designed more for those who are within the first few days/weeks of discovering infidelity, not four years out.

As to your question of how could this affair have lasted so long, I would ask you 'But are they happy?' except that you've already answered it. Your ex said to you he's miserable and you know that he's off the wagon and can't keep a job. Doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me.

Is your question really 'Why is he still with her even though he's miserable?' Some people are prideful and can't admit they made a mistake. Some people don't have the energy or drive to change their situation.

It doesn't sound like he's really worth spending much time wondering about. Why are you? Do you have a lot of contact with him?

BHHFSGuy -

I realized that I posted in the wrong forum, but I appreciate your reply just the same.

My ex-husband calls all the time. He has called three times tonight already, to tell me he wishes he was home again.

There's nothing I can say to that.

We had a good marriage for 20 years. The affair should never have happened. The divorce should never have happened.

I was blindsided by it. I was in shock for a long time, then angry and frustrated because I didn't understand any of it.

I don't think he understands it either, but he's too much of a coward to admit to his mistakes and try to fix the damage he has caused. It's easier to stay where he's at, even though he's unhappy. I'm sure pride has a lot to do with it (not admitting he was wrong).

This is something that I will have to work through. I wish I had closure so that I could move on. I thought the divorce would bring that closure, but it didn't. Ex-husband has called more since the divorce than he did before.

It was good to be able to vent and to write down some of the frustrations I've been fighting.

Thanks again

Val,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're still dealing with this after so long. I think when the WS doesn't provide information to the BS, it can be difficult for the BS to get a grasp on the reality.

I also think that one reason you do not have closure is that your EXH is still in your life. Calling you three times tonight? Do you talk because you think it will help you or help him? I don't think it really helps either of you. I imagine his AP isn't too happy about it (not that any of us care about that).

I don't know if maybe you're wondering if he'll try and come back to you. If so, I think the Harleys might recommend Plan B, which is that you will not speak to him anymore unless he completely separates from his AP. If he really wants you in his life, it may be enough for him to take action.

If you have no interest in ever being married to him again, I would probably still recommend not having contact with him anymore. Because what's the point? It's holding you back.

BHHFSGuy:

Earlier this year, I decided that I was tired of all the BS so I had no contact with him (Plan B) for over two weeks. He called many times, but I would not pick up (caller ID).

One evening, I was waiting for a call from my doctor when my phone showed "unknown caller". I assumed it was the doctor and picked up. It was my ExH. He begged me not to hang up .. then he begged me not to cut him out of my life.

I don't know what I want, Guy. It's hard to forget 18 years of a good marriage. Only the past three years were horrible. I don't know if I could ever get over the betrayal, but I think I would like to have the opportunity to know for sure. I would like to hear him admit to me all the mistakes he has made, and to put some of the blame on the AP.

At first I blamed only ExH for the affair when I found out how young the AP was. Then I discovered that SHE was the predator. I filed on grounds of adultery and even had her subpoenaed into court, but I saw no accountability on her part.

I know I need to get past this. I just don't know how.

I may try Plan B again and see what happens.

Thanks for your insight.

Thanks for the additional information. I completely sympathize with your inability to truly know what you want. There can be a war in the mind that makes it difficult to move forward in one direction.

He obviously doesn't want you out of his life, but the question is 'What is he going to do to make that happen?' So far all he's had to do is beg you. Then he got what he wanted and you're still unhappy.

Some people have to hit rock bottom before they have the incentive to change their behavior. By keeping him in your life, you're not letting that happen. If two weeks of Plan B hit him that hard, maybe two months or two years would be enough for him to take real action. I think you should cut off all contact with him, but explain that it isn't a punishment and you're just too uncomfortable to continue communicating with him in this situation. Lay out what would need to change in order for you to be in his life again (ideally for him to completely separate from his AP).

But you'll have to be stronger in your Plan B than before (don't answer calls from unknown numbers!) The folks in General Questions II can help you out with a strong Plan B.

And I would advise you not to pin your closure or getting past this on him admitting his mistakes or blaming the AP. You already know he made mistakes and you already know she was at fault as well. Some people will NEVER admit reality, so if you're waiting for that you could be waiting forever.

I would Plan B him. Sounds like you are meeting a lot of his needs. They say an affair needs a marriage. Try Plan B and see if that shakes up the affair.

My ex did something similar - only his OW was only 20 years younger. The affair ended after 3 and a half years, oddly enough just 2 weeks after our D was final.

My ex wants to get back together too. But I'm done with him. It sounds like you might not be done with your guy.

BHHFSGuy:

Your post gave me a lot to think about.

It takes someone with an objective eye to see a situation clearly. I have been too close to the situation (and vortexed into ExH's drama) to see the whole picture.

You gave me some excellent advice. Something has to stop this rollercoaster ride.

Thanks so much

Val

Believer:

Your sentence, "They say an affair needs a marriage" hit me between the eyes.

I need to take myself completely out of the equation.

I wish I had found you folks three years ago.

I never contact my ExH. I never talk about reconciliation with him. I remember all the horrible things he has said and done the past 3 years, and I am done.

Then he catches me off guard. His voice reminds me of the wonderful man I was married to for almost 20 years. He tells me he loves me and the kids and he wants to be home.

I am still too vulnerable. I waver every day (every hour) about my feelings toward ExH. This could go on indefinitely.

Plan B is now in effect, even if I have to get another phone number to enforce it.

Thank you
Val