Feeling good today. I think I've shrunk some more. Everything I put on is looser.

Have not heard from WS. He emailed about the taxes and I copied and sent them to him for him to do.

Hi LA,
I think its great that you are trying to be positive and carve out a new life for yourself. As long as you keep a realistic view of your sitch you will come out fine. It is very hard to recover a M being in two different states indefinitely. If your WH's A ends and you guys are still living states apart, what is the plan? Will he move to where you are or will you move to where he is? I only ask because you said you have hope that a change will happen..Do you think there is incentive for him to end his A if you two are living separate lives?

As things are now, It's good that you have your budding career to focus on, it helps to have something positive going on in your life during tough times.. I have a cousin who works as an extra on movie sets and she's done small bit parts on television shows, its her dream to become a famous actress one day, and she's had some success..hope everything works out well for you too.

If he called tomorrow & said he wanted me there, I would probably go there to be with him. It sounds weak & foolish, but even after all of the things he's done, I still love him. As it stands he told me he doesn't want me there. And my entire support system is here. And I know my friends would probably do everything in their power to talk me out of it.

I think he had his paycheck moved to his new account. There was no direct deposit of his military pay into our joint credit union checking account. Usually it's in there by now. There are auto debits for bills for both of us that should be coming out today. I don't know if he's allowed to just leave me high & dry like this.

I called my atty & left a message. And I called military family law office and left message for attorney that I spoke with there a few months back.

I am so confused. And I am having a major panic attack. Just like the ones from Oct/Nov. I'm just sick, shaking, sweating & crying.

I trusted this person for 17 years. Body snatchers have taken my husband & replaced him with somebody else.

I'm sorry you feel so bad, Sunshine. The bank account made you feel somewhat connected to your old life somehow, like maybe he still cared because his check was still going in until now?

That was a really crummy thing to do without informing you. Really crummy and really scummy.

Just hang in there, Keed. It WILL get better. I didn't believe it would and man oh man, am I glad I was wrong!!

You just keep taking care of you and doan pay dat stinkin' alien no mind atall!!

Take care,

Charlotte

((((((((((Sunshine))))))))))

Well I finally talked to him today. He said his 1/2 his pay is to go into our joint acct and 1/2 into his sole acct with another bank. He's being very secretive and really wouldn't tell me much today. He did call me a liar. Yeah, he called me a liar! He said he knows I got the first set of D papers and why didn't I tell him? I told him I wasn't served correctly and therefore I didn't get them. And then I went on to say that he is also a liar and a cheat and has turned into somebody that I don't know if I would want to be with. I was so calm & nice on the phone and I wanted so bad to just scream at him.

Oh...and he said stop bugging his friends. I sent one email to one of his friends to find out how WS was doing and I get into trouble for that.

He's still mad that I have an atty. Atty was very kind to me today & probably talked to me for an hour explaining things. I'm so glad I have him. This is going to be much harder than I thought. Thank goodness for you all and my great Rx of Ativan.

Well my SIL sent me a terrible nasty message on my myspace account. I was just shocked. Those people hardly know me and they are blaming me for the entire situation. Sure, I know some of the failings in our marriage are my fault. But his cheating isn't one of them. It upset me really bad when I was already having a bad day on Thursday and I had a meltdown. Had to talk to 3 of my friends. I was up until midnight. It just stunk.

It turns out I'm doing the taxes this year. He keeps saying he didn't get the tax stuff. I think he is lying to me because I didn't tell him I got the first set of D papers when they were just stuffed into my mailbox and not served correctly.

I did call him & tell him to have his family stop contacting me in any way shape or form. They obviously don't know me and never have. I haven't heard from him except by email.

I just wish I could stop my hands from shaking.

Time for a definite Plan B.

I guess so. I just feel sick. Also found out that he is moving out of his apt. My guess he is moving in with OW. Another spear to my chest.

I keep getting the flight response in my head. Just pack the cats and leave. Go somewhere where nobody knows you. Start over. But I know I can't.

My atty said to just stay put and be calm.

I asked an old classmate how long before he stopped hurting and he said 2 yrs. And then sometimes he still hurts. He said the hurt isn't as bad, but it's still there.

It has been 3 years out for me. It still hurts a bit sometimes. Not to the point where I cannot move on or anything. In fact, I was very happily in another relationship until that ended this past summer.

It takes time. I was bored over the weekend and thinking about doing a myspace page. Well, as I was searching I noticed my ex has one. It was almost like dday all over again. I looked at it, saw stuff from ow on it, some of exes family and some of his "friends". It was also filled with pictures of half naked women and overall just had a design that showed me how much of a pig he really is. I felt sick after that and decided I wanted nothing to do with having a myspace page!

mlhb

I use my myspace for networking. And I write on my blog. It's all private now. No one but my current friends allowed to see.

Talked to another friend tonight and I'm just gonna stay strong and try not to freak out.

Today I received an email from WS. He said he has sent my atty the motion to set a trial date. I called my atty and he said minimum 2 months to do that. But probably longer because we have other things we have to do first.

I am just numb. My atty is good and he calms me down and told me not to panic. He said to start writing down what I want. I want my grandmothers quilts that are in storage. I'm afraid for them.

Make sure your attorney gets you EVERYTHING you are entitled to by the law. EVERYTHING.

You deserve, LA, everything you are entitled to.

mlhb

I know. I've talked to atty about that. It's just so weird because the person I married doesn't exist anymore. He's gone. In a way, I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of what to say to him. I don't want anything taken the wrong way.

I don't know if I should even talk to him when he calls tomorrow.

I had to bail on acting class tonight because I couldn't think straight. My thoughts are all jumbled together and I just want to crawl into bed with 3 seroquel and a bottle of water.

WS said he would call tonight to go over our finances. I don't want to talk to him. Just thinking about it makes me perspire and shake. I've gone all day without taking any anxiety medication, but I don't know if I can talk to him without getting sick.

I don't know what to do.

I made a decision not to talk to WS. It caused too much hurt and pain and upheavel in my life. I got a mediator. She will be our go between. She called WS and told him who she was & that if he needed to contact me then he was to call her or my atty. They would relay the message. It's like a weight off my shoulders.

I was sleeping pretty good, but I just popped awake and now I'll fight to get back to sleep. I guess what I'm doing is a Plan B. I just can't bear the thought of him living with the OW in an apt together. His furry-kid needs a problem with his teeth fixed, but he's more concerned about her. Total fog.

But knowing he isn't going to call and I'm not going to be startled by any emails gives me a little bit of comfort & relaxation. I can take a deep breath & let it out.

Mediator says this usually really gets them thinking and sometimes angry and that I'm not supposed to answer the phone or an email from them. Call her & she will contact him.

Hopefully today will be better.

If you're going into Plan B, maybe you should send a PBL? I think there are specific things to do, to do a good PB. I'm no expert, maybe others can help here.

My intermediary sent him an email today. And she talked to him yesterday. He knows to leave me alone for awhile. I had an ok day today.

Today feels like the first day where I've felt in control. I don't have this cloud hanging over me worrying about will he or won't he call.

I got so much stuff done today. I saw Mathew Modine and Chris Kattan while I was out doing errands. All I could think about was Night at the Roxbury and that song they played through out the movie.

Oh and Mathew Modine is tall and very handsome.

And you sound SO much stronger, Sunshine!! You can do it!! And it feels SO good to take your life back from the infidels. I don't regret a single day that has passed since I jumped in the truck that day and sped off to meet with OWH to give him the lowdown.

Brave New World.

You deserve so much better! You know this! It is a lot healthier for you to stay out of the Bog of Eternal Stench. Remember, if you so much as stick a toe in you'll smell bad FOREVER!!!

So stay away!!! LOL!!

Matthew Modine, eh? Yeah, I always wonder how people actually are in person. I had the privilege of meeting my most favorite singer in the whole world once. It was GREAT!! He was SO SWEET!! And good lookin' as all get out!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!