I have a story like everyone elses, sad and horrible and insanely repulsive. I have been with my husband for 18 years married for 15, three girls 11, 13, and 16. I work full time and had a friend that was very helpful with my kids. I would help her and she would help me and we became friends. She acutally worked with my husband, he is a teacher and a coach.

He would say how annoying she was and I would laugh. Well for years my husband has been right on the verge of inappropriateness wiht other women. Always trying to get me drunk wiht other couples to see if I would get together wiht other women or men, caught on the internet porn sites many times. But about four years ago her changed and became very intorverted and we stopped having sex, he really became negative and mean to us. The girls hated him, he hated them, it was awful. During the holiday of 05 I told him he needed to go to a doctor because he seemed depressed, he would not go. He kept getting worse and more distant. In November of 06- my day of revelation- I learned the truth. For years he had been addicted to internet porn and would stay home when the girls and I went outjsut to masterbate by himself. As the porn got more extreme he became more insane, and then the women that was caring for my kids, that was on her second marraige- she had an affair with her preasent husband and he has left his wife after 25 years.
He confessed that he had been sleeping with, her for months, in our bed, in her bed etc. They worked together, she was the aid in his classroom and he is a teacher and the coach of her daughters HS soccer team. Horrible truths that have been so hard for me to hear and comprehend. I think I have PTSD.
After 16 months not much has changed. I let him stay with us, he said he hated her and was just sick. I don't understand any of it. He is not a communicator and is very not in touch wiht his emotions. We have been going to counseling, reading books, working on us until a few months ago.
Things began to change again and he started to get mean and distant again. He has been on antidepressants and going to a psychiatrist for a while but I am worried about what is going on. He doesn't hardly try anymore with me or the kids, he is so hard to communicate with and he doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything except himself.
The strange thing about the affair is that in four months he called her 500 times, he seemed obsessed with this women that he disliked before and hates now. I don't understand.
I told him that he needed to get another job or we needed to move. Our lives were very entangled with the OW family, our kids were best friends, in school together, on sports teams together.
It was awful for all of us, but now he still works at the same school and still coaches her daughter, and we have to see her all the time and he sees her daily. He says she means nothing and she is repulsive. But I don't trust anything and I know that I am a fool for all I didn't see before.
I need some monumental change, I need him to sacrifice something for us. He has never come clean about the affair and the porn with his friends, his pastor, or his bible study group. he justs wants to ignore all of it and return to the misery of the unfulfilling relationship that we had before.

When I confront him and ask him to leave if he doesn't try harder or if her doesn't DO something to help me, he will turn everything around and make me feel badly for him. he will say that he is evil and bad and that I deserve better, that I am such a better person than him. But still no real progress happens. He says he is trying but change is hard for him, and expressing himself is hard, and being attached to someone on a deep sprititual level will take him time, it doesn't come naturally for him.

Okay I say, I love my girls, I love my God, I try to do the right thing even at the expense of my self-respect. I humiliate myself to stay with him, trying to be obedient to God, trying to love unconditionally, but I don't honestly know what I am doing, I never have. I know its dysfunctional and his promises of trying don’t seem enough anymore.

How much time do I give him? How much humiliation does God expect me to endure? What have I done to deserve this and what can I do to get out of this situation? Am I being selfish? Am I not being obedient? I have these physical reponses to going home, to going to his work, to even seeing him. I get a sick feeling in my tummy, my heart races, I start to shake uncontrollable, I feel totally out of control of my own body. I guess the one good thing is that I have lost almost 50 lbs and that was a big positive for my ego. I even realized that my neglect of myself was because of my reliance on him for emotional support and positive feedback- which hardly ever came.
I do know my part in all of this, and I am trying to learn what I can and grow. I want to be stronger, I want to be whole again in myself. I feel pretty confident about the fact that I am moving towards a better understanding of myself. I even am starting to feel pity for the OW. I see her and think she is a mess, she is hideous to me, she really has nothing on me, but she won’t stop working at his school, she won’t move away. She and her second husband were the result of his affair on his first wife so they have few morals left.

HELP, I don't know when to ask him to leave, I guess I know by his efforts in the past that that will mean it is over and I hate that, but I hate this too. I wish sometimes that I had another option, I am so miserable and sad all the time.
He says that he is scared to leave his job, he has been there 15 years and is also a coach. It is his identity and makes him feel somewhat good about himself right now. I hate to ask him to give that up, but I have and I am dying inside. He just doesn't seem to believe me- should I ask him to leave. He doesn’t seem to mind dealing with her at school and coaching her daughter in soccer and I think that is repulsive and so cruel to do to me. He doesn’t want the truth to get out and he doesn’t want anything to change. But, in his denial he has not yet felt the pain that I have felt, he has not taken responsibility for the damage he did to my heart. He is barely trying anymore to change and working with her and the coaching is a deal breaker for me. I have given him 16 months to change this situation, but he says he is scared and doesn’t want to lose his career. Is is too harsh of me to demand this and ask that he leave until he changes the situation?
I do have the Torn Asunder book, but not much can be done at this point without the offending spouses initiation, at least that is my instinct. What should I do?

God does not ask you to humiliate yourself in order to stay with anyone.

This is NOT a matter of how much time to give...since you have already given too much. This is an issue of boundaries and teaching others how you expect to be treated.

There is no doubt he needs to leave his job IMMEDIATELY. I am assuming that you exposed his affair to all of the appropriate people...your children, his boss, his family, the other woman's husband???

I would strongly suggest that you remove him from the house immediately. Speak to a lawyer. I would suggest a call to the Harley's, but since your H is dealing with an addiction, that will need to be addressed before anything else.

What is your story that you have allowed yourself to be treated with such disrespect for so long? What brought you to this place?

IMHO, the FIRST thing that you need to do after getting him to leave is to speak to a lawyer and then a therapist. The lawyer will help you protect your rights, the therapist can begin to work on your issues.

I would give your H a letter that clearly outlines the conditions for his returning...(which btw, I would NOT allow for at least 6 months while he is getting the help he needs). Clearly state your boundaries and conditions that have to be met...DO NOT give in on anything. Stay firm.

You can change your life starting today...if that is what you really want. Or tomorrow, you can wake up to the same reality that you have dealt with for years.

Make sure that your H gets tested for STD's before you ever sleep with him. Also, strongly consider a polygraph. I can't tell you how many months or years will be saved by getting to the truth right from the get go.

But remember, all of this is contingent upon him dealing with his addiction and agreeing to every one of your conditions for returning.

No contact with the HO is never open for negotiation. You may hate for him to have to leave his job....get over it. Your M cannot survive continued contact.

So, what is your tomorrow going to be like?

It's your choice.

I really appreciate the feedback, I really need advice and an ear that understands. All the people that would normally be a support system are so hard to talk to. Most are either frustrated with me for staying or frustrated that things are not back to 'normal'. Whatever that means.

I think I was trying to repair my marriage, I was trying to hard to be in control of the outcome and not letting God do his work. My children seemed like they would be hurt by the seperation. However this weekend I went to a Joyce Meyers conference and to see the childrens choir that I work for and when I returned my oldest daughter broke down in tears about how her Dad had treated her. he is just so negative and angry and evn though I desperately wanted to come out of this with noone hurt. It seems my hopes don't matter. This is God's plan and I am a passenger just trying to learn all I can.

My story is so classic that I hate to even repeat it. I am the opitome of a codependent. Mom was an alcoholic, Dad left her for another women. I was molested at an early age by my uncle. Then swept off my feet at 16 by a night that I thought had come to save me (he was 24). I just screwed up alot of things since then. I drifted away from God and looked to people to fill the emptiness in my heart.

One thing this has shown me is how much I missed God in my life, how whole I feel when I am close to God and how empty I felt without my higher power.

One thing I have always felt was that no matter what evil dark thing is done to me, I have a choice in how I will respond to it and how I will let it affect me. I refuse to let the darkeness overtake my life, I refuse to live in misery and self-pity.

The most confusing thing is how to break my addiction to my H. I want to set him on his way and then he will aks to stay and say just enough to make me believe him. He will do just enough to make the girls and I feel sorry for him, he manipulates all of us so we end up feeling pity for him, and not asking anything of him. I think he is really unstable and sometimes I am scared that if I kick him out he may try to hurt himself or us and that frightens me. he says he is evil, he says he wants to do better, he wants to do what I need, but he can't, he is just the devil.

I always end up feeling like I have asked for too much, like my expectations are too great. He told me this weekend that this is why he had the affair- because I always made him feel inadequate. I hate that I would make anyone feel that way. I hate to make anyone sad or unhappy. Cause I am screwed Up!

I have written everything up in a document that I am going to have him sign. As long as he works with her, doesn't follow through on the work that needs doing, doesn't show remorse, and continues to bring darkenss and negetivity into our home, he is not welcome. I also drafted a seperation agreement that I want to have him sign.

I got really mad this weekendf about him hurting the girls and he left suddenly, my youngest daughter asked what they had done to make him leave and my oldest daughter said that she felt like it was her fault that he had left. He was on his way back and I met him and told him that if he hurt my children again I would unleash my sicilian temper on him. I told him that I had been kind and loving to him and given him chance after chance and I needed space from the chaos. But that just because I needed space did not give him the right to hurt the kids-he uses them to manipulate me- so I told him that if he did anything to purposely hurt them again I was going public wiht everything and I would be sure to destroy his reputation and career.

He is a teacher and coach, the other women is a student aid at his school, she was the aid in his classroom. They are not in the same classroom but they still see each other daily. He also coaches her daughter in soccer, so again then see each other for that almost each day. We live in a fairly small town and rumors have circulated but the truth about his affair and the pornography would absolutely tear the town apart. Here is a respected teacher anc coach that is an absolute fake. I think the school board members would die if they knew.

I have not ever done anything to him or her in a vendictive manner or with a cold and unloving heart- partof my vow to remain unscathed by the behavior of others- but I threatened him this weekend that I would go full disclose if he pushes me around anymore and if he hurts my babies anymore. I even felt bad about that, but I guess it was a littel liberating.

I saw a family member over Easter and she said I looked great- I lost 50 lbs over the last 2 yrs and that the whole experience seems to have been liberating for me. She further said how awful he looked- he has gained the 50 I lost and is just a mess. I decided that the reflection that I see in the mirror is a result of good, honest living and the monster he sees is because he still has not allowed the power of Gods love to cleanse his soul and make him whole again.

Well, I will keep you posted on what happens, I gave him a deadline to move out and we shall see how firmly I can keep with that.

I so appreciate this site and your feedback- it makes me feel so much better!

D11

Your WH is a controlling man. And you compliment him by being codependent. This is not good.


He is blaming you for his choice...remember YOU did not make him do anything. You did not put a gun to his head. He owns this poor behavior as well as all the other poor behavior he demonstrates. HE IS PLAYING YOU. HE KNOWS how you feel. And for the record...YOU can't make anyone feel anything. They own their feelings, not you.

YOU MUST SET BOUNDARIES. YOUR CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING.


You have tolerated being a doormat for TOO LONG. Are you ready to change?

You need a plan D11. You need to read this site. You need to read Plan A and Plan B. I believe you've done plan A. You need to understand the concepts of MB. No contact is a must with OW. This is A MUST. You nor your M will heal with his working around her.

Read read read.

You are not alone. It is time to find your strength and protect your family.

Danilocomo - you do have a choice. The choice is simple to state, but it takes practice to implement into your life so that it becomes "second nature."

"Choose ye this day who you will serve, but as for me and MY HOUSE, we will serve the Lord."

Your husband has the same choice.

If you'd like to explore and discuss this aspect of "the Will" more, I'd invite you to join my thread on the Recovery Forum regarding "Life directed by who?" that is discussing the aspect of the "Will."

Please understand that God is a God of Peace and is NOT looking for you to be a "sacrificial lamb." He already did that for us. What He is looking for in His children is obedience to His Word.

What seems to be "driving you" right now is Fear. Fear of the unknown future and fear of the "scary" results of divorce. That fear comes from Satan and can be best summed up by his continuing lie...."God didn't really mean what He said, did he?"

Yes, God meant what He has said to us.

But we have to CHOOSE.

God also provides others to help us along the way, so please join in the discussion if you'd like, and we can discuss what God has to say about your situation.

God bless.

I thank you so much for your support and honesty, I soooo need to hear it. I know that I am a codependant, I understand my weaknesses and I know my babies are hurting.

I have written him a letter that state the four things that a maariage needs for recovery- from the MB website and all about the emotional needs, and then attached a seperation agreement that has a list of other things that the girls and I need from him if he wants us to save the family.

I do feel like I have found some strength, it sure helps to hear from you guys and to read what others have been through. We have been through some counseling and I am readind 'Codependant no More'. I really think that is helping me to sprout my wings.

And this may seem crazy but I always freak out when ignores me and my needs, it makes me crazy mad. But last night, I wasn't upset that he didn't come to bed until 2 and that he was on the computer- I prayed and had a dream about God holding my hand- he looked a little bit like Bob Newhart- but I knew it was him. I felt so at peace and safe and we were walking towards the camera (which I guess was me watching the whole scene. I didn't feel alone and frantic. Then I dreamed that God was flying with me in his arms and that I sprouted these big white gorgeous feathers and started flying on my own. It was really great.

I will keep you posted, and again Thank YOU and God Bless YOU!