I texted WW alot last night, good fun conversation until...

I have a picture of my wife next to my bed that I look at every night as I go to sleep. I couldn't resist last night, I told her about the picture and that I loved her.

I didn't hear from her again last night.

I woke up this morning and told her that I am sorry for telling her that I loved her, thats not what she wanted to hear.

WW responded don't appologize for telling me you love me.

WW will recieve flowers and a gift at work today, 4 days out from our anniversary. I am getting sad and depressed again...

Erinn, can you make some plans for that day, to be busy? Buy tickets to a show, get a friend to play basketball with you, take a parent out to eat...something?

Yeah Cat, I will go do something.

What do you think she will do on that day, should I call her? Should I wait for her to call on that day? Should I shut my phone off?

Erinn,

You need to get everything together so that you are acting rather than reacting to what happens as the day goes on. You need to have a purpose to do things rather than just not knowing what else to do with your time, and that is the way you are coming across.

I understand that this is hard and that you miss your wife and the life you once had with her, but if you want her and it back, then you need to focus on that above everything else.

I just feel like you do not get the concept of how Plan A and Plan B are supposed to go. Neither one is for her or to make her do anything at all. They are both for YOU.

Plan A makes you a better person and a more attractive alternative to OM by turning you into the man of her dreams but with a history together that can't be easily dismissed. But it does not mean she will come running to you and beg you to take her back. It isn't a magic bullet or a spell that makes everything alright overnight. It is hard work, harder than anything I have ever done in my life, and will wipe you out emotionally unless you have some way to recharge daily...not on Friday night or Saturday afternoon, but DAILY.

Plan B doesn't make her come home either, it simply saves whatever love you have left for her since an affair is the ultimate love buster. It removes you from her drama and her drama from your life and lets you get a real life back while killing a couple of years to see if her affair outlives the statistics.

Any action you take needs to fit into one of two categories right now. 1) An effort to SHOW (not tell, but show) your wife that you are a better man than you were and that she remembers or 2) Making it easier for her to end the affair than to continue it.

If it doesn't accomplish 1 or 2, you are better off skipping it.

As long as you are trying to control her (make her see reason, end the affair and come home) you are not going to accomplish anything you seek. All of your attempts to plead, beg and coerce her back to you are DJs and attempts to force her to do what she does not want to do and therefor are love busters to her. You can't reason a WS back home. You can't beg a WS back home. You have to lure a WS back to you.

I'm one of those bass fishing guys and I can tell you that the easiest way to get a big bass to take a lure is to make it look like it is trying to hide or get away some how. It appeals to an instinct that makes them curious and they want to check it out. So when I fish, I don't simply rely on a bass being hungry and deciding my bait looks better than the thousands of real food items around them, but I try to find something that triggers them to react. This is called a trigger by many, but in psycho-babble is called a releaser.

This is what you need to rely on with your wife...Not overwhelming evidence or overpowering logic, but a subtle difference that she can see for herself that makes her want to check it out. For example...Many around here have taken up working out to relieve some of the stress of dealing with this stuff all the time. The side benefit is that it usually makes them more fit and better looking in the long run. So if you are working out, you might during a normal conversation about visitation with the kids say, I can't be there till 6 this week, because I've been going to the gym after work." Then drop the subject.

You have already shown yourself that you can have a pleasant conversation with your wife about almost any subject until you mention anything about the relationship and then it turns ugly. She resists you, gets angry at you and you get hurt because she throws more salt on your wounds...A bell should be going off right now...ding...ding...ding...ding...DON'T TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP...

You need to do all you can to simply make her enjoy any time with you that exists, because you need to leave a good impression with her for the beginning of Plan B. But Plan B is best when Plan A has been great...

Again, you would get many more responses if you posted on GQII since there are hundreds on there as opposed to the dozen or so here.

I have not talked about the relationship since I started to re-post. I understand that now and I will continue this plan.

I also understand that this could take up to 2 years and that there is no magic bullet. I know that I have to get back to the area so she can see what improvement I am making and understand that this is not just talk. I am here for the long haul but it hurts.

I am very active now more than ever, I have lost 32 pounds since last year. I was not doing anything in the last 6 months with WW because I was drowning in self pitty.

My ultimate goal here is to win her back, I will not say otherwise. I do know that I need to have a good relationship with my children no matter what the outcome. I am not yet prepared for our marriage to end but I am working on that possibility.

I am thinking possitive and I am listening.

You're doing fine, but like Mark says, just start being about you now, ok? Make her wonder why she ever left you. I like to recommend to people in your position to find a volunteer opportunity. It does wonders for people, and there are so very many people in need, in worse shape than you, who could benefit from your help. Call United Way and ask them to help you find a good fit.

WW not with OM anymore, I don't know the entire story yet but I will keep you posted. All I know is that OM is trying to date another employee. WW didn't seem upset to me, kind of like she expected it but thats all crap. She told me she had "strong feelings" for OM before so I know she is hurt right now.

I wasn't prepared for it, she said something about her getting fat (which she always says this and I compliment her in return on how beautiful she is) she only weighs like 120 lbs. I told her she could be 100 pounds heavier and she would still be beautiful.

WW responded that she thought I didn't like her anymore and I said:

"I have always liked you as a person, I have always loved you. You hurt me and that was the problem."

I need to start preparing for her to want to come back to me.

I know that she may not want to come back and that is always a possibility but I need to be prepared to talk with her if she does start down that path.

Thank you all for your support. WW went wayward again and is also reading this information. I can not post anymore but I know what I need to do.

Erinn's wife: If you are reading this, please realize that he came here looking for advice on how to get you back, that he wants his marriage and family back. Learning that the woman you love - no matter how poorly you may have behaved in your marriage - chose to have sex with another man instead of you, is the worst heartbreak in the world, except maybe the death of a child. Please stop and think about what you have done to him, no matter how much you think you deserve your happiness. Your happiness could have been achieved in the marriage you chose, if you would have worked at it, learned to communicate and compromise. Now you have a 3 year old son who will be just another statistic in today's society of unhappy, bitter kids who watch their parents choose personal happiness over his.

Finally, please consider that, if you are indeed spending your time with this man getting high or drunk, you are putting your own son in great danger, both from your inability to be sober to care for him, and from the chance that your drug use will escalate and you'll end up just another user woman who has kids she has to deal with, when all she really cares about is her next high. Do you really want that for your son?

I'm not trying to be sanctimonious. I'm just concerned for your son, who is going to be learning from you to cheat, lie, sneak, and take drugs. Once you have a child, you don't get to be selfish any more, but you are. Would your own mother be proud of that? Erinn came here to learn to fix what he did wrong and win you back. Despite the pain you've caused, he still wants you.

Maybe you should consider which is the better path to follow - the man who believes in lying, cheating, sneaking and drugs, or the father of your child who's willing to take you back despite hurting him to the core.

hello, It's been 1 month since I posted here... I don't really care if she reads this or not.

I tried too hard to get her back for the last few months, I said things I didn't mean to her and pushed her for reconciliation with me. Nothing seemed to work.

She told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. She does not believe in trying to work out a marriage for the children, she just doesn't want to put forth the effort. She came from a broken home and compared the lives of people that turned out fine from divorced parents.

I picked-up my 3 y/o from her appartment (our old appartment). I noticed alot of things while there for a few hours.

1. There is no food! I was trying to give my 3 y/o a drink and had to give him water b/c there was nothing in the refridgerator but BEER!
2. There were 4 trashbags full of beer bottles and trash in the kitchen. It seemed like she tried to clean last minute before I came.
3. The place smelled bad, my x-wife from 1st marriage told me that she visited while I have been here and said that the place was very messy and smells.
4. There was certainly enough marijuanna on her bathroom sink to last her while.

My current wife comes from a prominent family of respect and values. This is not my wife anymore, this is another person. Her own mother is blind to what is happening, my mother in-law wont listen to anything I have to say. The mother in-law told me "Your wife is a grown woman and can take care of herself". I can't talk to her family b/c my wife has set up this separation for many months for her family, friends, and work to hate me. No one will listen to me, now I am the bad guy... But I am not.

Her lie's pass to me from time to time, I have to tell her that these things are not true. She tells the people around her that I am a bad person, I know I am not. She started this after I contacted her family, friends, and work about her infidelity. Everyone around her told her she was wrong, I guess she needed support from these people so she started telling them that it was me who was wrong and they listened... Now I am completely out of her life.

I have been with my 3 y/o for almost 3 weeks, he just left yesterday. I spent all my time with him and had a great visit. She came here for a few days and we had a good time, I asked her not to talk on the cell phone while here and she did not use it. It seemed like she was fighting her feelings for me, like she didn't want to have feelings for me.

We talked alot, I tried not to talk about us. I didn't push the issue of continuing our marriage. I did talk briefly about some issues, she seemed to be thinking about things and asked me a few questions.

She told me about her life and how she is failing at it. Her health is bad, she is seeing a doctor for many different reasons. She cant renew her lease b/c of late payments and will have to live with her mother and stepfather in a few weeks.

She said "I hate my life" but is unwilling to do anything about it. I have not helped her financially yet, I am still trying to transfer my certification to this state. I am concentrating on that now. I did leave her with most of our tax return, and her father gave her enough money to last her a while. My child is ok financially for now.

When she left yesterday, I gave her my ring. She said that she assumed that if she wanted to work things out with me that she would give the ring back to me. I said "something like that, yes." but I really gave it to her b/c I have no hope left.

She told me that she is not with OM anymore and is not "looking" for anyone at this point, although she continues to drink and smoke drugs with her friends. I really am lost and confused with her, I don't know what she wants or what she will do but I have givin up at this point.

I will wait for her, I have no hope left anymore.

Oh... I forgot!

We went out together on Saturday, we had a good time.

We got matching TATTOO's of 4 leaf clovers on our ankles!

LOL... I hope it brings us good luck, I know that I need it.

Do you now have custody of the 3-year-old? That is an unsafe environment for a child to be in.

She will be moving in with her parents in a few days. I am confident that her parents will have an effect on her and I am 100% sure the 3 y/o will be cared for.

I will wait to see what happens in the future when she gets another place on her own. If needed at that point I will take action but for now no action is needed while staying with her parents.

I do understand your point and have thought about it, I saw the same thing happen when my first marriage ended. I had the children with me that time, first wife went party crazy but the children stayed safe with me.

I found out last night that WW relied on one of her "friends" to baby-sit for the 3 y/o and the "friend" let her down after WW took 3 y/o out of regular day care. WW had to take 3 y/o to work with her and was sent home early. I don't know what she will do now, I am in another state and can not help her.

WW is failing, she is finding out that her trust in the people that are "friends" are letting her down. This has been a constant argument with me and WW for years, her friends will not be there for her when she needs them most.

These friends have used WW for selfish reasons, I was trying to protect her but she didn't listen to me. WW lost respect for me when she gained independance but she failed to understand the responsibility of independance. I don't want her to fail, I will still be there for her even though things between us are over.

I told her last night that I have listened to what she has told me and I am letting go.

I am writting this post b/c maybe I can help someone else understand what is going on with thier own relationship and not make the same mistakes that I did.

I'm sorry things didn't work out, but I noticed this and thought I'd ask if you realize this is a pattern? Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. I hope you stop and take a few years before dating again to do some self-analysis (with a good IC) to realize why it happens. So you don't end up with more kids without their father in the house.

Well I am not sure that there is a pattern.

The reason I say this is b/c I was drug free and against drugs in general. The patterns may be that they wanted something that I was unwilling to invite into the marriage and if thats the pattern then I will always have that problem.

I was unwilling to be apart of a drug environment...

I did not want to be involved in my current WW's life outside of the marriage when it had to deal with drugs. Then, while I was against it, her "friends" encouraged a separation (newly established friends from work and OM). I believe WW was influenced by these new "friends" selfish behaviors without understanding that the children would be effected. Thats the demon that WW will have to face, I know that I did what I could to save the marriage. (I married WW b/c we were in love, unlike the first wife)

I left the first wife, she went party crazy b/c of me leaving her. Otherwise first wife was not this type of person during the marriage and never wanted this type of life and is currently drug free. The problem with the first wife was that I didn't know her, I married her b/c she got pregnant while I was in the military. I didn't really know her until I got out and was around her on a daily basis. (Doomed from the start)

I will give WW a while to understand what she has done, I would go back to her only if she was willing to commit but I have no faith in that.

Right now my plan is to focus on me and get on with my life. If the right person comes along, I am not going to let that go. I understand that I am not supposed to date now but WW left me, I will have no regrets for my actions (spoken like a man).

Many issues have surfaced in the last weekend. I am concerned for the welfare of my 3 y/o and am moving back to NC. I will not have access to a computer and will update any iinformation in the future. I have relied on my friends and they are helping me a great deal. Thank you all for listening.

Wow, so sorry it's gotten worse. I admire you for doing what you need for your child, though. It will be you who makes the most important impression on their lives. Best of luck.