Princess,

Thanks for the input, yeah, I agrees that the 8 year separation is a bit odd.
I really want to talk to OMW to get additional information before jumping in to an exposure. I guess I also need to think about how best to notify their workplace so that the tone does not come across as vengeful or spiteful...

You don't seem to acknowledge what we keep saying about what she says is NOT HER. It is an addict talking, addicted to forbidden love, which distorts her memory of what she had. So I'll ask: when you got married, was she lying? When you were dating was she lying about loving you? Was she lying about everything else? If not, then it's the fog talking! So you listening to her is just like letting a drug addict tell you it's not that bad, as he breaks his kid's piggy bank to get enough money for another score.

The real issue here, IMO, is that you are a conflict avoider. You're letting your fear of retaliation, of being yelled at, of all those sick feelings we feel when confronted, to keep you from doing the right thing - for everyone. It is your issue that's keeping everyone from progressing and getting beyond this. Not to minimalize what she's done, but the ball is in your court now. What will you do? Continue to let her manipulate everyone?

Have you read the thread on Emotional Needs by Holdingontoit? He fully recognizes that he is afraid to confront his wife - so he continues to live in a miserable marriage, just so he can be near his kids - because he's afraid of his wife and her anger. Is that a way to live?

Do some research, see a counselor, find a way to pull yourself out of that mental prison.

Hey Cats,

Man, you sound just like my IC and yeah, I agree with both of you re: fear of confrontation. I know this and I will try to step up to the plate.

I do recognise that I should discount pretty much all of what she says for the time being. However, one of her issues with me in the past was that I never really listened to what she was saying. There is a bit of a conflict right now because I want to satisfy her EN for conversation and listening to what she has to say while I don't really buy most of what is coming out of her mouth.
Also, since she is a lawyer, she is extremely good at out-discussing me - I usually come away from 'active discussions' unable to fault her logic but also feeling frustrated because her position still doesn't feel right.

I'll have a look for HoldingOnToIt's thread.

E
well.. you ARE dealing with A lawyer
and a woman who can talk herself into anything.....
ask the folks here what will clear her head, because she really has no grasp of what she is REALLY in for..
you need a COACH
to explain to you...how she reacts..eg.. anything coming from YOU will be ignored..because her natural instinct is to discount you..
get help from a pro.. who has met with her..
she is running from you..because thats what WW do when justifying the affair..
once again..can you show her the reality of life as a single mom.. i also agree that showing OM's chacter and what he REALLY has to offer is a good idea..BUT remember anything coming from you.. will be discounted..but eveidence of problems in his marriage is good

can you get some pro advice on when to shift to plan B???


But here's what I believe is my wife's logic:

1) Although OM swears that he will make her happy forever and that he can easily handle 3 young children, she is smart enough to realise OM relationship will probably not last no matter how much she loves him right now or what OM says - too much of an age difference

Your wife is willing to blow up her family..for a guy who she knows wont satisfy her long term???..question her about this.. what kind of a life is she planning for her kids???

2) She is smart enough to recognise that divorce will probably put her out on her own with 3 young children

yup..but not smart enough to make functional decision
she believes YOU are her backup..her support..her financial
foundadtion THATS why she wants a GOOD divorce settlement.. and BTW if things dont work out with OM..You'll always be there..


3) She prefers the idea of being on her own than being in an unhappy marriage that she does not think ever was (or ever can be) based on a deep intimate and passionate mutual understanding. She also believes that this will be better for the children.

what kind of PRO advice can you provide her that shows different...and there has to be plenty ..because its the truth..the data on blended families and the shuttling of various men in and out of your kids lives..is damming..

when you re marry with a happy women..and that woman influences her kids.. and SHE is alone OR with some jerk..you'll look pretty good

all this said
I'd make it ALL about the kids..and whats best for them
because AT THE MOMENT she just doesnt want YOU
anymore ..sorry....

In her mind she has it all... LOVE with "someone" and a stable
reliable man to support her..YOU..
the qusetion is how do you show her the reality.. without actually having to go thru it.. Plan B is ..i think how the harley's do it..
patience and perseverenace my brother
JB

"she does not believe that she could ever be happy with me"

"we never really had anything in our relationship to go back to"

"met each other's needs' is irrelevant to our situation"

"waiting for me to realize the
futility of my efforts to make her happy so that I will 'be fair' in a divorce"

"she is just getting angrier and angrier with me because she feels threatened by my attention, by our families' attempts to help, and by her fear that I am only positioning myself as the great father and husband so that I have a stronger legal position in an ugly divorce"

I would tell the OMW. WW's lie all the time how do know the OM is divorced or separated? Even if what WW has said is true the OMW deserves to know the truth. Expose.

Have you exposed to her parents and siblings? You need as many allies as you can get.

Next, your WW will never get or her addiction for the OM while still working with him. NC is needed to bring your WW out of the fog. Expose at work. It will get one or both fire but that is not your problem. You did not have an affair. Letting WW see the OM at work will only cause the affair to most likely restart. Expose tomorrow.

Just curious about the exposure. I have patiently waited for my husband to find another job and expose the affair to the people at our church. He reluctantly did so last week, but only because I pushed him into it. I don't think he is ready to recover and have the sort of relationship I want. In the meantime he is still working at the same school as this women and he coaches her daughter in HS soccer.

I am so confused and have thought about exposing him to the school board at work so that he will indeed have to pay some sort of price. He isn't following the guidelines that I set out for recovery and rebuilding our relationship. I feel like he needs time by himself to really let the idea of losing us take effect. he doesn't even seem to be very upset or touched by the tremendous pain he has caused our family, especially me. He seems almost smug or blank sometimes.

When do you expose them? Or do you just wait?

Your marriage has no chance as long as the affair is ongoing. Thus, your strategy needs to be focused on what you can do to end the affair and then assure no contact is occurring.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy. Once exposed to the light of day the secrecy and fantasy are minimized and drives problems into there relationship.

No contact is the key to insuring the affair is over. Remember they are like addicts and even though they say the affair is over and no contact is in place it likely continues until no contact is firmly in place. This will likely take some effort and leaving their job is likely one of the only ways to insure that this has happened. Any contact with there drug of choice starts the cycle all over again and the biggest problem in your marriage is still there leading to more heartache for you.

Having gone through what you have been through, I could not imagine my wife continuing to work with the person she had the affair with. It has been hard enough to build trust.

Had a long talk with my wife this morning...

She says that she has had no contact w/ OM for the last 5 weeks although I know that he has written her at least one love letter and that she has written (but not yet mailed) at least one love letter back to him in which she described how much she loved him, "loved his crusty exterior and his passionate interior" and how she wants our children (MY children) to learn his passionate nature. I know this because I read both letters this morning.

I am very tempted to write a polite letter to OM appealing to his honour (if he has any) to respect my wife's request for NC for the sake of our family to see if we can build a happy future from the wreck that has been caused. If in a year or two we find that we cannot do this, then we will divorce and he and my wife can do what they wish. Since I don't know his reactions, I have to assume that my wife may see this letter. Should I also mention that my wife has told me that she sees no long-term future with OM?

I have still had no luck getting contact info for his wife from whom he has been separated for 8 years. I would very much like to find out the cause for their separation.

I was also thinking about writing another polite letter to their common boss (a family man) asking that, for the sake of our family, to make sure that there are no work situations that require them to have any sort of contact with each other. He may take this a lot further and confront them both (or he may not). I also have to assume that my wife and OM will see this letter (again, they may not). I thought about sending this anonymously or asking someone else to send it (OMW perhaps) but that reeks of cowardice.


What do y'all think?

I also meant to ask, is there anything to be gained by confronting my wife with these letters?

I'm concerned that all it will do is make it harder for me to monitor her communication.

You are acting very timid about this, as though you're not sure you should be outraged. You should! You have to fight for this marriage, not be nice. I don't have advice for the OM (someone else, please?) situation, as I don't know the logistics of how to stop the A, but as for the work, you should be very open and use your name, calmly explain the situation, and ask what you suggested. It doesn't matter if your wife gets mad. She lost the right to be mad when she went into affair mode.

And she's still in the fog, if she's telling him she wants her kids to learn from him! Learn what? How to break up a marriage?

Cats,

Yeah, I'm a wuss......'Fear of Confrontation' is my middle name.

WS's lie. Your WW is lying too, or otherwise she wouldn't have told you she had NC when you know that she did. You only know about these letters. There is likely a whole lot more you don't know about.


OM is screwing a married woman. You expect to find honour in him? You are practically inviting him to stick around for a year or 2. Don't bother writing and if for some reason you do, don't show your WW.

WW doesn't want you to contact her. From her, you'll learn some truths that could affect her A. See what you can find out using other sources (PI's etc.). Meanwhile, expose at her work and to her family.


A polite letter to the boss is fine. Or a polite phone call. Anonymity is cowardly especially given that they will probably figure out that it was you but that's what the OWH in my sitch did. I phoned the boss directly.

*******************edit*******************

Thambi,

Thank you for the strong words. I consider them my Pep Talk..

evis,

I don't think there's anything wrong with proceeding when you feel the timing is right and you're prepared emotionally/financially to do it. I don't think that makes you a wuss. However, since you're a self acknowedged conflict avoider, be very careful to really examine the delay. Is it motivated by fear? Or is it motivated by logic?

I like the idea of sending a letter to her boss.

star

Both Fear and Logic are motivators, sometimes it is hard to objectively distinguish them - Fear can drive Logic csn drive Fear.

Anyway, here's my draft of the letter to the Boss



Dear Boss,


As you might have seen from the e-mail header, this is BS.

It has been a while since we last met; I hope that all is well with you, your wife, and your children. I still remember the barbeque/party that we attended at your home many years ago.

This is an extremely difficult letter for me to write. I have been thinking about it for several months and I remain unsure as to whether or not it is the right thing to do. I would love to have been able to discuss it with WW beforehand but I am afraid that she would talk me out of it. I do not know how you will act on the information contained herein, I do not know if you are already aware of (or even suspected) the situation. I thought about sending the letter anonymously but that would reek of cowardice.

WW and OM started having an affair last October during the XYZ Conference. I found out about it on Thanksgiving Day. Naturally the last 4+ months have been emotionally and mentally devastating and physically eviscerating for me. Son (now 7) and Daughter1 (now 5) are very aware that something is amiss and it shows in their actions, fortunately I think that they have been relatively unscathed to date as they believe that we remain a family. I think that Daughter2, having just turned 3, is too young to notice.

WW tells me that she ended the affair 5 weeks ago under pressure from her own family and that she is no longer in contact with OM. While I do not know if our family can survive this, I want to give it our best shot for all of our sakes’, particularly the children’s. I believe that any future contact between WW and OM will seriously reduce the likelihood of a positive outcome.

I do not know what your policies are, and I do not know what, if any, your actions will be. All that I ask is that any work situations that might require WW and OM to have any contact be avoided. It would be a lot more comfortable for me if neither WW nor OM were aware that I have written to you but I can deal with the consequences if necessary.

Please feel free to e-mail me or phone me (xxxxxxx) if you wish to discuss this further.

evis,

I really like it and I hope you'll send it. It has just the right tone. It's not about revenge or anger, but about saving your family. Great job.

Great letter! Send it off!

I've edited one of the paragraphs at the end to read....


"I do not know what your policies are, and I do not know what, if any, your actions will be. I know that WW has asked OM not to contact her. I do not know if he will honour her request. I know that WW would not want to make you aware of the situation even if it helped avoid future contact. Therefore I am taking the initiative to write this letter, for the sake of my family, to ask that you avoid putting WW and OM in any work situation that might require any sort of communication between them."


I'll probably continue tweaking this for an hour or two while I work up the courage to send it

E..
how athletic are you ??
i suggest you join a gym and or a boxing club..somewhere you can take
kick boxing lessons and get physical..it will enhance your selfesteem..
also what do you do for a living??
are you as "smart" as your wife ?
who is the major breadwinner???
imho.. contact omw, and send letter.. dont tell WW about any of it
go sneeky..my brother.. go strong
jb