Divorce is NEVER better for the children (again, butt whooping aside, always)

Ask ANY kid. Go ahead. The ALL would prefer their parents TOGETHER AND FIGHTING over DIVORCED AND PEACEFUL. This is straight from a child services attorney.

Yeah, I want wants best for the kids......................believe that and I got a bridge to sell ya.

how athletic are you ??

modesty aside; I'm 5'8", 130lbs, very slim athletic frame, all weight is muscle, all very well defined....


also what do you do for a living??

I graduated as a biochemical engineer, I'm working as a plain chemical engineer


are you as "smart" as your wife ?

Again, modesty aside, I'm considered by many as a freaking genius. I'm not sure that I agree with them. Intellectually I am probably smarter than my wife, emotionally I'm a weakling and she is way ahead of me.


who is the major breadwinner???

Me

E

do you play poker???
these are your cards
play the hand
jerseyboy

Evis,

A couple of thoughts.

Make a decision to fight for your marriage(define what this means to you) or if you want a divorce because of what has happened.

Your marriage can survive and I would encourage you to fight for your marriage.

If you decide to fight for your marriage put a plan in place and commit to it. It will give you hope and direction in a very confusing time. This website has an excellent plan that works from exposure, to Plan A, to Plan B if necessary to end the affair to a recovery process once the affair is over. You have found a good place.

Do what it takes as it won't always be easy but that is what it will take to get through this(but divorce wouldn't be easy either).

It sounds like your wife understands what she can and cannot get from the OM and that it is not a long term relationship. I would leverage this. She wants to be in love and most likely in love with her husband. Part of your Plan A should be to show her that you don't want to be in a loveless relationship. That this part of a relationship is important to you and that you want it as well.

In regards to exposure, I think you have written a good letter. You care about your family. Right now you are the only one fighting for it(I hope). If you want to fight for your marriage you should send it.

Your wife wants to "be happy" at your expense so once she finds out about it she will state that you don't care about her happiness by sending the letter. She deserves to be happy but not at your expense. You need to be prepared for her response.

TJD

I definitely want to fight for our marriage not just for my children's sake but also for my wife's and mine.

As to her response, I think that it will go along the lines of...


"why do you want to make me even unhappier or feel more guilty by shaming me this way"

and, more importantly, and harder to deal with...


"I keep telling you that we have had a problem with communication and understanding in our marriage. You say that you want to improve this, and then you go and do something like this behind my back without even talking to me. See, I told you our marriage is dead, your attempts to convince me that you want to talk to me about us are just manipulative lies"

not sure how to counter this one. Suggestions?

Answer like this:

"Actually, you went behind MY back by having an affair and everything you have told me was just manipulative lying. Because of this, I need to fight for this marriage and this family on my own. This is simply the consequences of your actions"

If youre looking for an answer that your wife would be dumbstruck over, forget. ANY answer you give to her will be dismissed angrily. THAT IS A GUARANTEE. The open mouth "oh yeah, I see" happens only in movies. So don't be concerned how she takes it. Just answer with the truth.

"I made that promise to my my faithful loving wife. Not what is standing in front of me now". If everyone here REALLY believes that an adulterer is similar to a drug addict, then they should be treated as one. You don't try to spare a drug addicts feelings and you don't try to spare an adulterers.

Look, shes getting in your face and TELLING you. "I don't want to be with you". You got NOTHING to lose. Stop trying to approach it so timidly. The LAST thing on your mind should be her responses. At this point, they mean little, shes gonna hate you regardless of what you say. DO NOT INTERNALIZE IT. She want YOU to think ALLLLLLLLLL THHHHHHHISSSSSSS is your doing, youre to blame. Slap that sheet right back at her.

Once she is REALLY DONE with this affair, THEN you really try to get thoughtful loving points across, at this point all that is important is to STOP THE AFFAIR.

Evis,

I can share with you what and how I communicated with my W. I received many of the same questions. It really is eerie how similar these situations are.

When items like this came up(and they came up often enough), I communicated the message that I wanted her to hear about what I was trying to do and what I believed in. In a nut shell, I wanted her to hear what investments I was willing to make in her even though I was put in a very tough situation and why.

I wasn't willing to do anything and everything, but, I was willing to do a lot. My logic was that, at worst case, this investment by me would give me the peace of mind I needed in case I needed to walk away at some point.

My wife to this day will tell you that she heard it all and felt my conviction in what I was saying and also saw all my actions follow suit. Though, it doesn't change things right away. I repeated this same message many times.

I said I am putting my best foot forward and going to make the best of a very tough situation.

I want a loving marriage with you.
I want you to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I want a great family.

I look back now and see that I haven't always lived my life the way I wanted to. I always wanted a close loving marriage. I see many things that I always wanted to do and say and for some reason I never did them or say them. I am going to change that.

I want the person I'm with to feel special and happy. I see that you are not. I am going to change that

I want to feel special and happy and I'm not.

I want a great family. We have such great kids.

I know that with a 3rd person in our marriage that none of this is possible. I can choose to just give up or I can try somehow, someway, to remove this threat to our marriage. That is what I am doing.

I was interrupted during my many times of communicating this. And boy those interruptions were so painful. But, I would take a deep breath, stayed calm, and continued to communicate my message.

I probably didn't have the best words, but, I had a plan I was committed to and I sent a consistent message that she was important to me and to our family and I was putting my best foot forward. If it wasn't good enough then I was actually ok with that because it was telling me something important.

Have you considered asking your WW to leave her job and give her 2 week notice?

Who else have you considered exposing to?

I would try and expose all at once.

So, if he refuses to leave his job, do I give him the boot. He is a teacher and coach and works with her daily and coaches her daughter.

He says that if he left, our finances would fall apart and that would stress him out more and may even lead to future affairs.

Is this legitimate, my response is after 1 1/2 years you could have found another job and this is not my concern anymore, either do it or get out.

Is this fair?

I have already told my wife that I think she should leave her job. She kinda laughed....

TJD, wise words. I'll try to remember them.

From what everyone says on this board and my experiences over the last year. They have to leave or the other person has to leave, it is a necessity.

The laughter worries me, sounds like how seriously my husband takes the pain he has caused in my life.

So sorry for you!

Dan...

I suppose that I'm hoping that the letter I want to send to their common boss (see earlier post in this thread) might make it uncomfortable enough for one or both of them to quit.

Does OM ever apologise to BS?

While your letter is awesome, don't rely in it as your sole exposure tactic. The results could vary anywhere from one or both of them being fired, to one being transfered, to the two of them getting a "talking to" by the boss, to nothing at all. In my sitch, the boss told me he doesn't get involved in people's personal lives (turns out he is also having an A with a coworker). OWH has sent an anonymous letter to head office under the guise of an coworker who is uncomfortable about an affair going on between a manager and an employee at their location. We still don't know if or when that will produce any results. Please reconsider exposing to her father as well. Exposure works best when it is swift and all-encompassing. To wait on it could give her the opportunity to spin her own version of what's going on - which she may do to pre-empt you once she finds out about you telling her boss. You only have one chance to tell the story first.

After I found out, I told my husband that the first thing he had to do was call the OW's spouse and come clean- they were afterall close friends of ours. Well he was scared but he did call and apologize. The OW never tried until about 9 mos after the Revelation and I told her that I ha nothing to offer her, she was evil and needed help. This is just one of multiple affairs for her. I told her she needed couseling and God, but her apology really meant nothing to me, it would probably been best for her to keep her distance, I am sicilian afterall.

I think apologies at least give a sense of recognition of the pain and that is at least something.

Send the letter!

Thanks Tab,

I am still pretty shook up by my reading of my wife's letter to OM this morning

...how she loves his crusty exterior and his passionate interior...how she wants her (my) children to learn his passionate nature...how she longs to feel his body next to hers, to hold his face in her hands, etc., etc.,...how she believes that the words 'I love you' feel so inadequate to describe her feelings for him...

It may be that she has no intention of mailing this letter, that it is an outlet for her grief. I think that I should assume that she is going to mail it. Should I confront her about it?

I spoke to my brother's wife today (one of the few in my family who know) and she suggested to hold of on sending the letter to the boss until tomorrow just because I am particularly emotional and upset today. I think that this is sound advice.

Grow a pair and mail that letter now. Except don't ask the Boss to not confront WW. Let her know that her actions have consequences.

Has your SIL been involved in an affair, WS or BS?
Has SIL spent years on this site?
What is your SIL's expertise?

Good point on my SIL's experience (or lack thereof).

However she is one of the very few people whom my wife feels she can really talk to about all of this. My SIL is an extremely empathically perceptive woman and therefore I respect her opinion.

I'm working on growing a pair.....