I wonder if you should put, "MAY be willing to discuss our future together" instead.

Amazin,

A Plan B letter is supposed to be a love letter to your wife, potentially, the last one she will ever read...

As such it should enhance the efforts you have put in toward making your permanent changes during Plan A and tell her that you are still in love with her.

Beyond that, you must get across, in a simple sentence or two the way home, which must be understandable and doable by her should she ever wish to pursue reconciliation. It has to be both clear and precise, but also can't unattainable or she will never try to reconcile. The suggestions about counseling , both marital and family along with NC with any OM for life is about all she will remember, and anything beyond this will become a series of hoops she perceives she will have to jump through if she wants to come home. It will lead her to think that even if she might want to come home, she will never be able to live up to expectations.

Any attempts to educate her as to the knowledge you have gained in studying all of this stuff will simply turn her off before she reads much else.

Now keep in mind that I was compiling my own Plan B letter when I blew up at my wife and told her to either get with the program or pack and I might not be the best source of information about this, but I can tell you that telling her all the things step by step that will happen if she decides to come home won't matter to her and the fact that you will no longer be there to support her will pi$$ her off big time. So beyond that point, she won't be caring, listening or remembering what you say.

Mark

Ok before I respond I have to ask, what's KWIM?

Victoria, no need to apologies. I’m open to your suggestions. However, I feel kind of frustrated and here’s why. You’re telling to be more specific... Ark’s saying to be less specific... broader...

Here’s what Ark said


Princessmeggy

How can I state my boundaries if I remove all of these paragraphs? I can see removing bits and pieces from some but not the whole paragraph. For example, I can see re-writing the following paragraph in this manner.

Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They have no place in our marriage. I can only be married to someone who values this principle and eagerly ends all contact with their affair partner.

This next paragraph is similar but is important because it relays the pain caused by the affair. And it was almost word for word out of SAA... I used it because I wanted to say the same thing but didn’t quite know how to verbalize it.


I can see how the below paragraph might come across as me trying to educate her... But how do I change the letter to include marital counseling, and honesty with communication, time finance etc?



This next paragraph sums up what she must be willing to do in order to recover our marriage. Nothing in there is un-true... it is a fact... that is a part of what must happen in order for our marriage to be recovered... her part.... As a matter of fact it was very similar to what was in SAA...




I appreciate everyone’s feedback... I’m taking it all in... but I feel like I’m getting mixed signals... You know what I mean? Like when your mouth say’s one thing and your body language says another...

That is precisely what KWIM stands for.

Amazin, When Ark said be less specific and I said be more specific we were talking about two different subject matters.

When I said to give specific examples, I meant of things you would change about you, not things you are requiring her to change about herself.

When Ark said be less specific he was talking about the conditions you are listing as requirements that your wife has to meet.

LOL... Gotcha...KWIM

Hi Amazin,

I am sorry that you find yourself faced with the challenges of dealing with affairs. Not an easy ride, for sure!


Well...given my experience in dealing with a WS... I would agree with what Mark says... and with B... when she suggests keeping it as short as possible.

The imagine that works for me the best is to keep in mind that a WS'S judgment is impaired...like it would taking alcohol and drugs...

It's important to communicate to her that you still love her and open to working on recovery of M should she choose to, and have it IN WRITING for future reference when the fog diminishes somewhat, what the path back to M recovery is: NC with OP...and because the situation is too painful for you, in the meantime, there will be NC with you (provide intermediary and emergency info).... the details can be worked out later if and when she chooses NC with OP and committment to M recovery.

So...I would say 2-3 paragraphs at the most.

Sorry if you may be getting somewhat different takes on what the content of your plan B letter should have... for me, bottom line, the objective is: whatever it takes to not overwhelm WS so that she can get through the letter and register the essential.

I understand what all of you are saying... and I think that some of it (Not all) seems to contradict with what is in SAA. That's what is frustrating.

For example:


The fictional plan B letter that's in SAA is 7 paragraphs...

I think that when it comes to a plan B letter one size does not fit all... One person may only need 2-3 paragraphs when another may need 10-12.

I cut everything out that Princessmeggy suggested, whittled it down to only one page and this is what I was left with...



My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,

It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair with Mr. Alcoholic. I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man, your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the love that I have for you and keep it from turning into hate.

I will always regard SD and SS as family. If SD wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.


Peace to you
Amazin


There's nothing in this about counseling. I think there should be. Nothing that specifically says no contact...

There's nothing that specifically spells out the way for her to come home...

I.E.

As soon as you permanently end all of your affairs, ensure total separation and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested for marital recovery I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Sincerly,
Amazingly Frustrated...

Amazin, I know you are frustrated and writing this letter has to be painful for you. So I want you to know that I am only offering my suggestions because I truely want to help you.

Okay I just pulled out my copy of SAA and read the Plan B letter in it and it just has a different tone to it than your letter. The letter in SAA does not blame the WS or point out the WS's wrong doings. So here are somethings I think you might want to reconsider.

"Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding."

The Plan B letter in SAA does not mention betrayal, it uses words less offending like "relationship with OM" or "affair with OM".

Also, while it does discuss how the BS is hurting it also validates that the WS is hurting. Your comment is basically saying that you hurt, but that her hurt is not valid, because yours is so much greater.


"For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry."

Based on the Plan B letter in SAA, I would suggest changing this to "Because of my mistakes we are both suffering now and I am truely sorry"

"I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man, your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter."

Writing about her dishonestly, disrespect, and betrayal will not pull at your wife's heart strings. It is putting her down and in the Plan B letter in SAA I do not see anything that is putting down the WS.

"Peace to you" Does this have some special significance for you and your wife? If not, then writing "With my love" like in SAA sounds much more sincere. If I were to receive a Plan B letter signed Peace to you, I think I might read it as being sarcastic.

IMO, if your goal with the Plan B letter and Plan B is to have your wife stop her affairs and recommit to you, then your letter needs to have a less blaming tone and a more loving tone to it.

Sincerely, Victoria

Thank you Victoria,

That helps me understand a little better. I'll try and re-write it again.

I haven't forgotten... and I'm not procrasinating... I'm just busy...

Amazin,
I just read a little bit of your other thread and it sounds like your wife is a mess. From the little bit I read it sounds like she calls you frequently and does not want to end your relationship completely. Personally I think Plan B is really risky, but it sounds like it might be just what is needed in your situation. I also read that Jennifer told you it was the right decision and she is supposed to be the expert so that is a good thing.

I'm surprised that you haven't gotten more people posting to you on this thread and offering suggestions with your Plan B letter. Since Jennifer is the one that recommended Plan B, I would think it would be good for you to have her input on your letter before sending it to your wife. It is so crucial that the letter make the right impact on your wife.

I don't know if I would say "Jennifer recommended plan B" but she did say that if I wanted her to help me write my plan B letter I'd have to schedule another consultation with her. She didn't seem to discourage me from plan B...

Okay, so I'm new to your story and haven't read your thread, but I see way too much anger in your letter. It makes me wonder how well you understand Plan B and the way it's supposed to work. If D-Day was only in December, you might not be clear on everything yet.

If you want more clarification from me, let me know.

Okay, I read a bit more and think that what makes this weird for me is trying to include exposure with the Plan B letter. I don't know how to help you do that, or even that it's a good idea.

My inclination would be to separate the two. The Plan B letter should be something that you can refer the WS back to and hope that they read more than once. I can't see a WS being willing to read the first couple of paragraphs of your letter.

If you want to keep the Plan B and exposure concepts together, I suggest that you schedule with Jennifer to get her advice on the letter. Begin by emailing her what you have already put together.

Hope this helps.

Ok... One more time with the plan B letter. I exposed this weekend. so exposure will not be included in the plan B letter. I tried to make it as close to a love letter and still include my boundaries.

Here's what I have.... Please Critique.



My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,
I long for the passionate love that we once shared. But your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply and your extramarital affairs have caused immeasurable pain to my heart. It is because of this suffering that I am writing you this letter.

Because of the pain that your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. I am doing this so that I can protect the love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into hate.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry. However, I have never done anything to deserve the suffering that you are putting me through.

On our wedding day I made a promise in front of God and our family to faithfully love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan to continue keeping that promise in the future.

I will always regard step daughter and step son as family. If step daughter wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

I want you to know that there is a way home. There is a pathway to a new marriage. This path would require changes in both of us. If we stray from the path in one direction or the other, our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They would have no place in our marriage.

We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty, honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance. I can only be married to someone who values these principles and who would eagerly embrace this lifestyle.

I hope that someday we may have a new marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you the day we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.


Love,
Amazin

" I long for the passionate love that we once shared."

I think you need to say this in more than ONE SENTENCE. Catch her attention in the first paragragh, expressing your LOVE for HER.

Just to make sure I understand what you're saying...

The first paragraph should be about expressing my love for her. Not just the first sentence.

EXACTLY!!!

Gotcha,

Thanks Mimi