Okay...I know there are so many people here who have experienced the devastation of an A and I welcome the support I have received from you. I also see there is alot of information regarding divorce and redating.
My question is basically, how many of you are recovering from an A and have recovered that love? My H and I are in month #3 of our recovery from his year long A and I don't think he will ever be the same loving man towards me who left me love notes and I feel like what he does now is forced. Almost like to buy me a bouquet of flowers is painful. He chose to end the A after D-Day when I gave up on him because it was killing me. I needed to be strong and begin eatting and sleeping again so I told him I couldn't kill myself anymore and he was "on his own". That's when he says reality struck and he left OW. Could this behavior still be withdrawal from her? Is there hope that the romance will return while we work at these principles?

W,

Please go to the Recovery forum and look for Ace's Success Story Thread. I believe that is what you are looking for.

Who

Who..I can't find it. Is it still there after all the MB changes?

Wadeallie,

I bumped the Success thread for you. It's actually in this section (GQ II).

LC

Thanks LC. I got an email from Ace letting me know. Just in case she can't find it, here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1940653&fpart=1

Who

Wadeallie,

I am replying to your post on my thread. You say that NC started on 7th Feb, if NC holds then things should start to improve over the next few weeks. Withdrawal is horrible for both parties, but if NC is maintained you should gradually start to see more of your real husband. The bringing of flowers and showing you afection is forced at the moment but at least he is trying and this will change. BigKahuna once told me that I didn't understand the power of NC and he was right until I saw it for myself.
You need to continue to verify and snoop to ensure NC is holding, the first few weeks of withdrawal are very hard for the WS, and even if they do genuinely want to stick to NC, they can find it very hard. You need to make it as difficult as possible for him to break NC

Good luck, things should start to improve soon

Brae

Thanks Brae:
I am still snooping and I question him once a week as to whether OW calls him at work. I also check his emails and history of his movements online. I did not divulge info of the A to his coworkers but he knows that if the activity continues..I will. Our family all knows. Our children all know and friends, so there's no hiding on this side. He's taking responsibility and he doesn't say a thing such as when his father makes comments in the company of others about how he thinks we are a great couple together and NEED to stay that way. H took it in stride. I think that if he is experiencing this pressure from all sides, and he's willing to accept it then maybe we will make it thru this in one piece. I try not to rock the boat even tho at times I get so angry but I realize that any bad behavior will not be a benefit to our relationship.
Thank you for the kind words of support. They mean so much!

I hope you are feeling better today and things look brighter.
H and I are 5 years out of the affair and I can tell you for sure that there is light on the other end of the tunnel.

First, these are just my truths so some may apply to you and some not.

Things are not the same and never will be, nor do I want them to be. The same is when he was in the affair. We are both different but I think better. We communicate and are no longer content to let the relationship flounder along, we work at it.

Make sure you take care of yourself because no matter what happens you need your health.

I found there was major withdrawal for him. It was the most painful part of all. I tried not to be critical of how he handled his ending, including him seeing her in person to tell her, but it s*cked big time. Truth is, now that we are well past his A, I think more of him for telling her face to face than with a letter or email, or even worse, not to say anything at all. He made promises to her also and she was not a bad person, just in love with someone not available. And she never contacted him again when he told her he was working on his marriage (he contacted her several times and she always told him to NC). We went thru some really painful and crazy making times but we kept moving forward.

I snooped and checked up on him in the beginning but truly I felt it was hurting me more than helping, it made me more anxious and distrustful. H was working thru his issues on all levels and I just got to the point where I decided to trust him again. We all have to follow our own inner voice on this.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but I wanted you to know it is possible to recover, and we all have to travel our own road to do it.

Good luck and please take care of yourself.

Sick: I am trying to get to that place where I can trust him a little more. The pain is still fresh. I have stopped playing detective to see what she looks like. I don't know what she looks like because she lives 50 miles south, and she was an online hookup and for a while there I was petrified she'd show up on my doorstep when DS was here alone. I even contemplated hiring a PI to take photos but then decided the cost was too much. I spoke to her on the phone and after her apology and then request for compassion from me for the right to keep contacting H when she was hurting..I realized just how pitiful she was. She'd listened to H's promises and had planned on building a life with him when for over 6 months he stalled on any plans to end our M. I don't have sympathy for her because she knew from the beginning he was married, but maybe this was a lesson learned?
I did give in a little to H for playing by the rules tho. In the beginning of my snooping, I changed his aol password to: LYING A$$. Every time he used the aol he had to type that. I changed his password 2 weeks ago to BROOKTROUT. It's a bit more humane.