Hello All,

My husband and I separated due to a domestic violence dispute on Christmas Eve of last year. He has not come home yet and it will be four months since he has been back on my birthday (April 24). I asked him if he was going to return and he said "no." I asked him why not and he kept mentioning the fact that I put him in jail and he doesnt' want to lose his freedom by coming back to me. He said that it is over so and, in so many words, I should move on with my life.

I have practically begged him like a dog to come back home and he still refuses. I just had a son on February 5th. He was not there during delivery or recovery...he didn't want to be a part of the child's life and claims that he is not his...although I have never cheated and the baby looks identical to him (with his same big head shape and every thing...hahha)! I told him I would do a paternity test if needed.

Anyway, I asked him for a divorce because I refuse to continue to sit here and wait on him. He has made it clear that he doesn't want to be here. I even propositioned him for sex several times and he refused. He told me to go and ask my little boyfriend---who does not exisit. He is making it look like I am the bad person when he is the one that refuses to come home.

He told me that when he gets the money that he will divorce me, but until then......... Well, he has not resposibilities. He only pays a car note and he stays with one of his friends. He said that I must have someone else for me to be asking him to go ahead and divorce. I told him that I didn't. I just didn't think it was fair for him to hold my life up when he has proven that he has moved on with his (despite the fact that we are married). He said that he is not coming back at all. Am I wrong for telling him to get a physically divorce from me since he has already divorced me emotionally and mentally?

You only have to pay if you want a divorce.

So if you choose divorce, you have to pay the filing fees, pay for your attorney, etc.

That's the way it is.

I didn't want my divorce, but my WW did, so we got a divorce. I still had to pay for a divorce I didn't want.

This is life.

It's not fair.

I'm sorry you find yourself is this lousy situation.

There is no excuse for domestic violence. Do NOT let this guy back into your life. PLEASE, for your baby's sake as well as your own.

Other than that, what EE said is correct. You should probably talk to a lawyer to find out your local laws (most will see you on a 30 min free consultation). Where I live, the separation agreement is the actual legal document that states who gets what (including custody, visitation of children etc.). A divorce certificate is only required to get remarried so lots of people don't even bother getting divorced and some get their actual divorces decades later if they do eventually want to be remarried. The SA can be written yourself and just needs to be signed by both parties and a witness to be legally enforcable. In the absence of a SA, everything is split 50/50 regardless of the reason for separation. Note: this is in my jurisdiction and yours could be completely different. Get a free consultation and find out what the deal is in your area and go from there.

Did your husband really get violent with you? If so, I don't understand why you want him back in your life and your baby's life.

Did he not get violent with you? Did you make a false police report? If so, I understand why he doesn't want to come back to you.

What you want doesn't matter any more. Every decision, every life choice, must be made with the baby's welfare in mind. That is what happens when we become parents.

What you need to do, rather than filing for divorce, is to go after him for child support. Again, this is for the baby's benefit. If he contests his paternity, there are tests to prove he is the baby's father.

As for seducing him, what, you don't have enough trouble already? You want to risk getting pregnant with this man again?

Quit while you're ahead.

Her original post is here , from 2 months ago. Sounds like the guy has issues. It's good that he's out of the house; he shouldn't be allowed back until he's had sufficient treatment.

In many jurisdictions you can use abuse as grounds for divorce, which will usually accelerate the process. Since you have at least one documented instance of DV it sounds like that's covered.

At the very least you need to get child support turned on.

Without reading the prior post, the reason you pay for a divorce is for peace of mind. If he is not supporting you or your baby, you could get support. Additionally, many of us here filed for divorce for financial protection from the poor choices of our spouses. While still married, your spouse could incur debt and you would be liable for it.

See a lawyer for a free consult. Check up on legal separation just to protect yourself and your baby. Men who accuse their wife with a new baby, likely have deeper issues. And I agree with the other, physical violence is unacceptable.

I realize this all may be hard to manage with a new baby, and hormones raging and lack of sleep. But filing can help give you peace of mind.

Prayers to you and your family

I always thought of the divorce fees as the cost of freedom. At that point, it seemed quite cheap.

Kizzy, you really should contact a women's shelter/support group. They can help you through this.

In certain rare circumstances, you can sue him for legal fees. You're not there yet. However, there is help available for people in your situation.

Also, you need support from others who can help you see that a man who wrestles you to the ground and bruises you, throws things, etc. is not the best choice.

Even if you decide not to divorce him, you should file immediately for child support.

Good luck and take care.

Great advice on the Women's Crisis Center. Most areas have them, and even if you aren't ready to file, they can provide counseling and other assistance, as well as tell you about resources.

Tak - good to see you here.
I certainly know what you mean, and the cost is worth the sanity.
Sometimes it takes a while for us to see the value of the divorce.

Hey, newly, long time no type! Great to see/read you!!! By the time my divorce had drug out for well over a year, any cost I could feasibly afford was worth ending it all. In fact, I settled with paying HIM about $10k and giving him an entertainment system (purchase price another $10k) just to get it over with. My attorney was confident that I wouldn't have to pay that if we went forward, but he said that if I really wanted this over, this was my option. In fact, I was willing to settle at the $12,500 proposed by my ex's attorney, but my attorney actually negotiated it down even further. I was like, "$12.5 k to get rid of this? Fine. Good. Yes, it is worth that to me to get this out of my life and move on. Done deal. Take it and go away." LOL.

You give good advice on the Women's Crisis centers. Law schools also have legal clinics where the students there help out as experience while they get their JD. Legal Aid and pro-bono organizations also are an option to explore. If domestic violence is a factor, there are many organizations - House of Ruth - to call for information and assistance.