I've been divorced for 14 months, dating BF for nine months. He's been divorced for four years. From the beginning of our relationship we tried to stay out of each other's teenagers's hair, but since our teens all know each other from school and participate in the same extracurricular activities, it's been inevitable that they see us together some. As time has gone by, however, my boys have gotten used to seeing BF as he sometimes (not very often) comes over for brief visits when they are here. We don't kiss or hang all over each other, and in general try to behave in an easy, natural way when they are around. Also, at the BF's suggestion, we have planned to take a cruise with all four kids this summer, each parent rooming with his/her own kids.

But strangely, he still acts very awkward about me when his girls are present. They never see him on the phone with me, and he never mentions me to them. I've heard him describe his time with me to them (if he's on the phone to them when he's with me), but it's as if I don't exist. "I did blah blah blah, and then I did so and so..." like I wasn't even there. On Sunday I was at his house, dropping him off (his car was out of commission). His girls were initially outside and then went in. He went in to get something for me, but he left me standing in the driveway as though I was unwelcome, when it would have been the most natural thing in the world to say, "Come in while I get this and such."

He says he loves me, he invests time, money and effort into our relationship, he talks about our future, he goes with me to the occassional family function, but to his girls it's like I hardly exist. Even though the cruise was his idea, he dragged his feet terribly about telling his girls that we were going, and his initial idea was to tell them that when I heard about the cruise that he was taking his girls on, I thought it sounded great and asked to come along! As though he hadn't wanted it and I was some annoying hanger-on.

We've talked about this before and he can't really offer me any explanation, although he agrees that he isn't treating me right about this, and he seems to feel a lot of remorse that I'm getting hurt over this. The more I think about this the madder I get and I feel like telling him to forget the whole thing. I love him, but I can't take this. We both agree that marriage is not in the cards until after our children graduate from high school (three of them are freshmen now), so it's not as though I'm rushing the relationship or pushing for commitment he isn't ready to make. Besides, as long as four months ago he was saying things like, "So, do you think you could spend the rest of your life with me?" so I know he doesn't think of this as a temporary relationship. Should I break it off, or tell him I want to take a break so that he can think about us and decide if I'm important enough to let me into his life?

Sorry for the ramble. TIA for your help.

I am assuming you must have gotten over the "sexual" issues you two were having? or, the concerns at least that you brought to this board?

9 months is still quite early on in a relationship. Has he dated anyone else besides you since his marriage ended? Sounds like fear to me. He's ready but he's not ready. I am thinking this cruise is going to be one big stressful mess if that is the first time you ALL will be spending time together.

It was almost a year before exbf and I introduced kids to each other (of course we were ldr so that was part of the reason). We did like you and decided all of us, he,I and our kids would spend a week together. HUGE DISASTER. In fact, very shortly after we broke up.

I think bf has fears and it may just be too early on in R yet to be bringing kids into it. Once you all start hanging out it is more like a family than it is just a dating situation.

And men say all kinds of things rose. Good Lord, exbf told me he was so in love with me and I was supposed to get an engagement ring for xmas this year. And we are no longer together. 4 months ago you were only dating 5 months and he was saying that stuff to you. That to me is a red flag.

Bottom line is, I don't think he is ready for the kids to be involved in this dating relationship and if you are the first woman he has seriously dates since his marriage ended I'd definitely beware. Take it from my experience.

mlhb

Hi - you know I can tell you my situation - I have two daughters - my divorce was an ugly one and their dad lied and cheated and it just was a big mess but that was five years ago - water under the bridge... But their dad - the first relationship was with the lady next door that he left our family for and well they never had any kind of contact with her what so ever - ever... but he was always on the phone with her and never really saw my girls - then he has had numerous woman in between but he has never included my girls in his life what so ever... It was almost like he was afraid that they would always take my side and never wanted to put them in that situation. But while that was all fine and good as far as my girls were concerned - they don't know him - they have no clue what he does with his life - they know that he has a girlfriend now and her name is Donna and they have all gone out to eat with them together as a couple like maybe four times - mind you that is all that he has seen them also - But the one thing that freaks my kids out is that she has a son - and he seems to have a relationship with him but yet they don't know his girlfriend - my girls are now 15 and 18 and they do not know their father because maybe he decided to protect them whatever he thought - he should have included them in his life - They are old enough to handle it. I wonder did his wife want the divorce? Do the girls feel protective of their mom? Is their anyone else in her life? Also remember girls can be very dramatic he just might be afraid of their reaction...

He's obviously afraid of their reaction, maybe afraid they will be unhappy with him. He probably feels guilt over the divorce and feels he has to be more...perfect for them, and just isn't ready to test that water. Being girls, they may have been a little catty and said things like 'you better not ever date someone else, we won't allow it'. Definitely need to get it out in the open - and let the chips fall as they may.

I think you would need to schedule some activities together before the cruise.
That being said, I constantly remind myself to "watch the actions, not the words".
He may mean what he tells you, but his actions show otherwise. What is the truth? Typically the actions.
Yes, 9 months should typically be a safe time to introduce the kids to common activities.
Good luck with this.

Well, I'm just stewing over this, but your replies have given me more to think about.

Yes, mlhb, we got over the sexual issues, and now that is a satisfying and enriching part of our relationship. The fact that we were able to work with that and resolve it was another reason that I felt our relationship had the possibility of a future.

We are planning to spend some time with our kids together before the cruise. I'm supposed to go over to his house for supper on Thursday (my boys with their dad) with him and his girls (he has custody). In a couple of weeks we're supposed to take all the kids out to dinner. I say supposed because now I feel so disheartened by the whole thing I don't feel much like doing it.

I'm afraid that his actions do speak louder than his words. He may just not be ready. And I think he is afraid of what they might say--he got very worked up about telling them about the cruise and snuck away from the dinner table to call me right after he did tell them, as if he was ecstatic and somewhat unbelieving that they seemed very pleased with our trip, which they did.

He has told me before that even if his girls disapproved of the relationship, he wouldn't give it up. But maybe that's just what he says. He does do everything for them and caters to them in a way I wouldn't with my boys. However, he also caters to me and tries to please me, so I just thought that was his way.

His wife was the WS, and I think that in his heart he believes that if he had been "better" that he could've changed her mind about the affair. Maybe he does have guilt over the divorce.

Thanks for listening.

i agree: ACTIONS SPEAK VOLUMES AND ARE USUALLY WHAT ONE SHOULD HEED...

i learned that one the hard way!

mlhb

For some kids, it is hard to see a parent dating. My girls tell me I'm not allowed to date. Daddy can, but not me.
I think it has to do with custody, and who they feel they can depend upon.
Since your BF has daughters, and custody, this may be the same for him. Girls seem to need a parent more than boys.

I hope this works out for you. Trust your heart. And use MB to find the tools to deal with this, it's a great resource, and certainly something you'll want to follow if the relationship advances.

isn't that funny newly? i mean, my kids WANT me to date! my son told me the other day that i "need to get a boyfriend" lol

they want me to remarry.
but.. i also think they are both very starved to have a constant stable male figure in their lives. thus, them wanting me to date and marry.

every sitch is so different.

mlhb

Michelle, I sent you an email. Newly

Got it and emailed you back!

mlhb

Rose Red,
I'm wondering if one reason he doesn't say a lot to his girls is because he's afraid it will get around to his ex wife.

It took my younger daughter (8) a while to get used to M. She didn't want me to marry him. She didn't like him, etc. Now, she's pretty darn happy about me marrying him. One thing that I did was take it very slow, and we do a lot of stuff without Mike. Mike's my finance, but the four of us aren't a "family" yet, and I realize we'll never be a family the way we were when I was married to their father.

The other thing that comes to mind is that your BF may be worried about having two sets of rules. In other words, it's okay that he's sleeping with you and has a loving adult relationship. However, it is not okay for his teenage girls to have sex.

And finally, some people are just really, really private. They don't want anyone to know how deeply they care about someone else. I'm a little that way in real life. I'll never forget how embarassed I was when I had to tell people I was pregnant. I'd been married a year, but OMG, now that I was pregnant EVERYONE would know that I had had sex! I kid you not. I was upset about that.

Now that I'm getting remarried, I'm a little embarassed to share that information. It's just that I don't want a lot of people knowing I fell in love again. Your boyfriend may fall into that category.

Greengables,

I'm totally the same way as you when it comes to not letting the world know my personal business. I dated Jim for over a year before I even told my mother. I'm not a huge fan of confrontations and drama either. The older I get the more recluse I become regarding my personal stuff.

Thanks for sharing....It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Ronda

Well, since my last post I did go over to his house for dinner with him and his girls. Everything went well. He put himself out to make a nice dinner and his more fashionista daughter put on a nice outfit for the occasion. The girls were pleasant and talkative, and BF seemed very pleased with how well everything went. I have to agree with the opinion that he was anxious about how they would take it that we are dating and that he cares for me.

One thing I forgot to mention is that their mother has apparently brought a string of men around the girls when they are at her house, and hasn't been shy about kissing and lap-sitting said men in front of the girls which understandably makes the girls uncomfortable and unhappy, which they report to their father. I'm sure he didn't want them to feel that way about him and me. BF held my hand when we watched a movie after dinner, but otherwise there was no PDA, which probably helped everyone to feel at ease.
BF did seem very happy with the results of the dinner experiment and wants to try it again in a couple of weeks. (He wanted to try it again next week, but I have a commitment.)

And yes, I think he is just somewhat private about his personal life. I've been to his house several times (girls not present), but he has friends who have never even been there, and I'm certainly the first woman he's had over.

As for the sexual double standard between parents and children, that bothers me more than him. I feel uncomfortable telling my sons "no sex before marriage" when I'm obviously doing just that (of course they don't know). The fact that I'm an adult woman and they're 14 year olds doesn't entirely mitigate the contradiction. BF isn't bothered by this--I have to chalk it up to the male ability to compartmentalize.

As for the cruise, I'm hopeful that it won't be a total disaster. For one thing, our children have known each other for years (his daughter and one of my sons won a jitterbug contest in cotillion three years ago, though BF and I never met before we both got divorced). My twins and his youngest daughter run around with the same crowd in high school. Plus, we have both stressed to our children that they can see as much, or as little, of each other as they like on the cruise. How they spend their days will be up to them, and the only place they'll be sure to see each other will be at dinner. Once the ship docks, we agree that we will each go with our respective children and do what they want to do and just meet back on board later. We'll keep our fingers crossed that this will be a fun, no pressure vacation for everyone.

Thanks to you all for replying. I always get such thoughful and helpful advice from this board.

Rose Red

RoseRed... The cruise is such a big place I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well they get along... There are going to be a bunch of kids there probably anyways and since they already know each other - I am thinking that they will be hanging around - I say dinner with the girls is a good thing - we all know how girls can be... but they in the end do the right thing... Good Luck...

RR, I'm glad it went so well. That's terrific.