As much as I hate to admit, I'm still struggling with my breakup. It's now been about 7 months or so and I am still dealing with the loss. I've made it very clear that no contact be made from him, but he was still emailing every now and again, which led me to block him in January -

Some days I feel strong, and others I struggle with...I'm finding it hard not to compare what I had...not feeling very secure in finding someone that matched me so well. Not sure how long a breakup takes to get over, but I need to find a way...any suggestions?

oh diamond (((hugs)))

well, you know my story.
and really, the only way i have been able to heal and get over the ending of a relationship that i TRULY thought was the one, was by having no contact. we broke up last summer, but he continued about once a month to want to get back together, only to change his mind every single time. by the time december or so rolled around i was indifferent when he said he wanted us to get back together. i was willing to try because he did sound different, but in the end he was not. in january i made sure there would be no more contact by blocking my email from his. it is not april and i have not talked to him since the beginning of january. the longest we have ever gone. if he has tried to email i do not know. bottom line is, this is the only way i have been able to move on.

and during this time of no contact i can see more clearly now that he was not the ONE. yes, we did share some same interests and we did feel very good in each other's company. and sexually i could not have been better matched. BUT, i have come to the conclusion that he and i have very different ideas about what is ok behavior in a relationship. doesn't make him bad, but he will be hard pressed to find a woman who does think his way of thinking is ok. (just my opinion). i also now realize that he was in no way ready for a relationship of this magnitude and his actions clearly showed that. had i heeded the signs early on i could have saved myself the heart ache. there was one time we had "broken up" kind of for a week or so. and i think that was the one time he was the most honest with me. he said "i need you but not right now. i needed to meet you like 2 years from now after i had had time to get over my marriage ending." i think that was the truth and i wish we had not gotten back together after that but had just remained friends. but after a week or so he swore he was ready and i believed him.

what i am trying to say is that the no contact has not only helped me to move on, but to also put things in better perspective and not be so angry about the outcome. bottom line is i got involved with a man who was not even divorced yet and fresh from leaving his wife. i should have known better. given time, or had i met him a few years later, probably would have been a different story.

i really really did love him. i still think of him once in a while. it hurt like hell. be kind to yourself and keep the no contact. it is the only thing that will help you move on.

mlhb

mlhb,
Thanks for the response...strange how our stories are so similar...

I guess the part that I struggle with the most, is he was EVERYTHING I was looking for...all but the non-compromising issues on his part and find myself wanting to find someone just like him, minus the negative outlook.

I still sometimes feel that he was the one, but obviously he couldn't have been or he would've done whatever it took to hold us together...this I have to keep reminding myself of.

You are right on the no contact...I'm sure with time, it will get easier to move on...looking back, I have come a long way as before I would instantly contact back - which only put me further behind in the healing.

But with the re-trying on our parts, I can say I no longer will have to wonder if we would've worked...his actions and choices have proven otherwise. Sad.

I've managed to purge all the "reminders" of him and even went through a box just recently that he brought back to me in December. I'm glad I held off on going through it in December, as I felt much better with the items in there...and disposing of most.

Thanks for sharing your story.

well, it is safe to vent here. talk away if you need to.

i will admit, it is a bit easier to get over my sitch as well since we were ldr. i have no chance of running into him here! and i think even if i go and see my friend who lives there, chances are slim.

i'm here for ya if you need to talk.

mlhb

Thank you for your offer of "lending an ear"...greatly appreciated.

I have a couple of close gal pals but each one is completely different in their views. The one, would slap a knot on my head if she knew I was still stuggling...the other one is basically there for me in whatever I decide, very supportive.

I did make it clear to her the other night that if G does contact her to get to me, she is to let him know that I've made my decision, based on his choices, and he needs to let go. I think she was a bit taken back that I'm so adament in that because she knows how I feel about him. Before I was wishy washy...so, I can see improvement. It's just not happening as fast as I'd like it to.

I haven't had the dreaded run in yet...we do live on opposite sides of the county which helps and I work a half hour away from my house (1hour from his)...

I'm thinking one last councelling session may be in order for me at this point...maybe she will fill me in on how she really views him and that I made the right decision (which I know I did, just being validated may help me).

Again, thanks for "listening"....

Kim

my therapist was pretty blunt with me.
she said she was not going to make the decision for me but i had 2 choices: i could hold out and wait for him to "come around",which, with years of therapy, he might eventually. or, i could let it go and move on with my life because essentially to wait for him to be "ready" i would be putting my life on hold for a very long time. i had to decide if he was worth the wait. his actions showed me he was not. this back and forth would go on forever and every time some 20 something gave him a second glance i would be put to the back burner so he could get his ego stroked. nope, not doing it.

i loved him too, but i have learned now what i really want in a man. he did not have everything i really wanted. i can see that now. if i have to put my own needs aside to meet the needs of someone else, than that is lopsided. if i find myself not enforcing my boundaries for fear i may lose the very person who is disrespecting them, that is not healthy. and both of those things are what i found myself doing.

let him suck someone else dry.

yes, i would go and see your counselor.

mlhb

Diamonds,

one of my therapy exercises was to compare my XW personality traits with my family of origin traits, my parents, and find the similarities and the differences.

WOW! what a shocker that was. . . my XW is the same personality type as my dad, and acts very similar to my dad, YIKES! She has similar behaviors to my mom, who is a different personality type, and i couldn't tell the difference between my mom's behaviors with loving intentions and my XW's behaviors with manipulative intentions. . .

after this exercise i felt so duped, that I was mad at my parents for a little bit. . . what a set up!

anyway, now the behaviors are showing up in my son, who has more XW traits than my traits, though I can see the blend if i look hard enough, and am using the socratic method, asking questions, no judgements, no support or denial, to get him to see the future effects of his impulses. . .

my suggestion to you, perform the same exercise on yourself, as factual as possible, and then ask yourself questions like, "am i attracted to the same personality type again? and will that have the same type of outcome?"

wiftty

a lot of that makes sense wifty.

i learned so much after this last relationship, once i was able to step back and see (and with help of my therapist as well).

not enforcing boundaries def comes from my childhood. the one time i did enforce them with my alcoholic father, he didn't talk to me for a week. i was maybe 13 or 14 at the time, if that. what did that show me? enforce your boundaries and the people in your life will go away. that was repeated in my marriage. when i enforced boundaries, my ex disrespected them anyway. if i wanted him around, i needed to keep quiet. and i did it again in this last relationship.

i see now that i must enforce boundaries, and if those people go away, then they weren't healthy for me anyway. if they can't respect me enough to respect my boundaries, then why would i want them?

i watch my children closely as well. my therapist said to be very careful on what actions of mine my kids pick up on. i want to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships. so my kids and i talk, a lot. but i realize actions speak louder than words. i know people get sick of me bringing gekko up, but in hindsite i have learned so much from that! it was scary to me that i was willing to pick up my family and move to be with someone when red flags were popping up everywhere! that, in hindsite, scared the sh*t out of me!

my ex, my father, gekko... all very manipulating men. i can see that now. and i was sucked dry emotionally by all of them.

i will be much more aware in future endeavors thanks to really taking the time and continuing to take the time, to really look at me and the patterns.

good post wifty. take that as a compliment :-) ask agg! lol

mlhb

I most definitely married my father, and my brother (who took over parenting when my father left when I was 12)...and my ex-fiance...

If you were to describe my father's personality without naming him, someone who knew me would think you were talking about my husband!

I've read in several places that women look for their father in a man. Of course they would - he is THE man in their lives, good or bad, so all they know is that that is what a real man should be. What's uncanny is how accurately we seek out that person without realizing we're doing it. I guess it's the subtle nuances they do, when dating, that make you subconsciously think, hmmm, that's attractive.

Best thing to do, like wiftty said, is to deconstruct your family members and carry around a mental list of their faults, and when you see a potential mate doing any of them, back away!

I didn't marry my father. Not even close. My dad is warm friendly and honest. He's also happy.

starving,

ah, its not an iron clad rule. . . its a behavioral tendency!

are you taking this post personally?

you might not have married your father, but the exercise is done to enlighten yourself about the source of your emotional choices, and how the implicit effects of your family of origin are being carried forward into your adult life. . .

its the exercise into understand your choices, which most people don't do to understand the emotional basis for one's choices.

wiffty

Wiffty,

No I am not taking your post personally. It's an interesting perspective. I've always thought my dad was the greatest but my siblings and I used to laugh (_ itch is more like it) about how he was too caught up in appearances. It's one thing to worry about what kind of impression you yourself make on other people but he took it to another level. He worried about what other people thought about OUR job choices, OUR lifestyles, etc.

If anything, I overcompensated and married someone who didn't give a flip about what other people thought. He wore whatever he wanted, etc. Ex-h knocked up OW twice while we were married. Then he moved OW into his house before we were even legally separated, much less divorced.

I'd been way better off had I picked someone who was careful not to look like an idiot in front of the whole town.

that makes sense to me starving. i think we either pick people just like or just the exact opposite of what we grew up with, depending on how it effected us.

you picked the exact opposite for some reason.

mlhb

I can honestly say that the attraction I had was a complete opposite of my parents. We were never a close knit family, still aren't. I knew him on an aquaintance level for many years and was instantly drawn to him when we started dating. He comes from a large very close family...I felt very welcomed into that family...something that I had not experienced in my own.

I guess what scares me the most, is knowing him for so long and then being in an intimate relationship for 3 years or so and not seeing the real him until towards the end...still think I need to work on reflecting back and knowing there must have been signs that I missed along the way, or signs I didn't want to acknowledge. Maybe it the familiarity of him and not wanting to start over, and hence I feel like I'm struggling?

I've been told on several occasions, that I come off as being snobby...as told by a couple of male friends - when they finally got to know the real me......it's not that at all, it's that I was an extremely shy person...I've been working on that part for a while now and need to be able to venture out and not settle for the first person who pays attention to me...as I did in my marriage. We were wrong for each other, but I stuck it out with hopes of it getting better (19 years).

I just have to keep reminding myself that I didn't find him under a rock and that there must be someone that is compatible.

I know that I don't need a man in my life, have grown accustomed to spending time alone, but know that I want one in my life to accompany me on the journey...I think that's what I'm missing most.

Certain places and phrases I hear along the way, are sometimes a constant reminder of him and that's probably what I'm struggling with...I don't want to be with someone who can't/won't negotiate in a relationship so I really shouldn't be struggling...I think it's just the loss of the relationship and not the man himself. At least that's what I'm going to go with! lol.

Thanks for all the imput...it's a great feeling knowing that people out there take the time and effort to help others along the way!

Would it help you to start a new journey? I like to tell people to think back to when they were 20, and what they thought would make them happy, and then determine if they can somehow change course and go back and pick that up. Maybe a career change, maybe a location change (I'd love to live on the water, etc.), a hobby you dropped or wanted but never got into, rekindle old friendships...something that will get you waking up smiling each morning, knowing you have it to look forward to.

I can honestly say that I enjoy everything about my life...love my job, kids are grown but still around, am in the process of home improvement projects going on...just thought I had found the one who would continue on with me in the journey I'm currently (or was currently) on. So, I can probably say, that I came to a fork in the road/detour and am on a different path than what I imagined I'd be on, but there's still going to be something to look forward to, even though I don't quite know what that is! lol.

Seems like it took a lifetime to find someone that I was that compatible with and sometimes struggle with wondering if I'll get another chance...I felt that we were so much alike and enjoyed about the same things, the chemistry was most certainly there. We just ended up wanting our lives to play out differently where living arrangements were concerned...and he couldn't just let it play out on its own. I guess I just need to accept that and move forward in hopes of finding someone...

i always said that getting over exbf was harder than getting over the end of my marriage. why? because i really tried really hard to do everything the "right" way. i was wayyy different then i was in my marriage, very selfless, etc. i really loved him and believed him when he said he loved me too. i believed everything he said.
we had many things in common and were both very laid back. i thought i had finally found my equal.

in hindsite, i had gone to the other extreme. i gave up all of myself to make him happy, to always be there for him, etc. i lost ME.

i now know that there is a happy medium. it is not all one person or all the other, it is equally both.

you will learn from this, given time.
i can truly relate to how hard it is.
i never loved my ex the way i loved exbf.
and well over a year together, almost 2, was no drop in the bucket for me.

it does get better. i promise.

mlhb

Well, one last session was made and my therapist seems to think that I am only missing what I "thought" I had and only remembering the good times, not the bad...made a lot of sense to me and I believe she is right.

I too, mlhb, did all I could to please him with no equal pleasing on his part or compromising towards me - or even wanting to work things out as a team.

I know what went wrong in my first marriage and was determined to not let that happen again, but, when you don't have 2 people involved in making things work, it's not gonna.

I think what got me thinking I was stuggling, was watching the couples at the park and it striking a loss deep down...remembering that I used to be one of those couples.

I came up with the same answer she did in one of my previous posts...I was missing the couple part and not really him...just had to pay $95.00 to have it validated and ok'd that i could move on and be ok! lol.

She suggested that I get out there and mingle and see just who/what is out there.

A speed dating session is coming up this month and was wondering if anyone had ever given that a whirl...? I had been on the personals a year or so ago (before the 2nd go-round with G) and didn't have much luck...don't think I was really ready then, but am convinced that I am now...God bless my therapist...she's made quite a difference in my life the few times I've been!

Well...didn't realize that the speed dating event was taking place so soon. It was on April 16...a week ago today. I ended up signing up...putting my big girl panties on as I was told to do by my therapist. What could it hurt?

I met 2 really nice women, exchanged our numbers and will probably plan a girl's night...cant have too many gal pals. Had a blast! I would've been fine with just meeting new girlfriends...

The man that I met sounded too good to be true! Upon the emails and chats on the phone back and forth, it seems that we know people that know us...so, the stories that he was telling me are all true so far. His son's best friend works with me, and my son's friend works with him...we're in the same kind of work, same department. My workplace was actually started by someone who used to work at his...small world.

He knows about my struggles in the past...but I feel like this could be a potential relationship in the works. I truly believe that things happen for a reason.

I have a story about dimes in my life. I won't go into great detail but it is similar to the "pennies from heaven" story. I truly believe in signs... I found a dime at my girlfriends house days before the speed dating event. I picked it up and it was the year my mother passed away. I tucked it into my pocket, feeling a sense of calm and knowing the direction that I needed/wanted to go. That's when I decided it was going to be ok to go to the event - I had been discussing this with my girlfriend for about an hour or so prior to finding the dime. I took the dime with me when I went to the event. To make a long story short, B's birthday is the day my mother passed away...the night of speed dating is when I found this out...I had instant chills. Course, I didn't tell him...it's another story in itself...

I am so looking forward to pursuing this...but at turtle speed. We actually have a date scheduled for this Friday. I'm counting down the days!

congratulations!!! Hope it all works out great for you!!!