is it adultery to continue to place dead wife on pedestal above me?

No, I don't think so, but it is obviously very hurtful and damaging to you and your current marriage.

I would say no. I would say it is insensituve and an inability to move on from the trauma of a loss.

what if they have sex with them in their sleep.. and tell you how much better they were.. and tell you how that person was the love of their life and more attractive and sexually appealing to them more than you ever have been or could be

failed to tell me this before marraige

what if they have sex with them in their sleep.. and tell you how much better they were.. and tell you how that person was the love of their life and more attractive and sexually appealing to them more than you ever have been or could be

failed to tell me this before marraige

I don't think that it is technically adultery, but I agree that it is hurtful to your relationship. He can't control what he dreams about, but it is insensitive to discuss such dreams with you.

I would suggest relationship counseling. When my father remarried after my mom's death, my step-mom and dad went through a lot of counseling to resolve my mom's place in their marriage.

Your H dead wife will always be a part of him, but how he deals with her is his choice.

Also, in re-reading your post, it would be no different than comparing you to an ex...something that is not helpful or healthy to a relationship. Maybe he needs to decide if he is really ready to move on from his dead wife.

It's not fair to you to be compared to someone else. He either loves you for who you are, or he needs to re-evaluate his emotional readiness for this new relationship.

Good luck.

this isn't adultery...

this is cruel unwarranted fringing on psychotic thought processes...

not healthy normal grieving thought processes.....

I would first off go on an information seeking journey....

YOU speak not a word of the wife...and engage your husband in ONLY....
gentle non confrontational interactions...

no YOU bringing up the first wife
no YOU making any type of reference...and seriously objectively observe and hear his behaviors....

and the REALITY of how many times a day week month he references her....not your perception and none from your encouragement or input/feedback

don't tell him you are doing this...but sometimes in the thick of subjectivety we focus too much and are overly sensitive...

if in counseling for this right now...quit discussing or talking about it...and let him have all the lead on it and observe...

do not discuss with friends or famiy his first wife or these issues...
remove all and any focus from you and see what is really there....

if in a month you have a journal filled with things about her from him every time there is conflict between you two...
or if you see patterns of iniation.....
on his end.....
OR if you see your role...if you do see places where you reference her...or have tainted activities with her presence...note that as well...

then re-evaluate the reality...
not the emotional turmoil you feel now....

give it a month of objectivety to decide anything

ark

wife
i think you should post everything here that you have posted on the divorce board. there is more traffic here. mention the bi-polar and the son and everything else.

and my 2 cents...

have him leave as i said before, and give the conditions under which he may return.

he needs serious help.

mlhb

you asked to repost what i had on the other site.. so here goes

My husband has constatnly compared me to his dead wife. I am raising her son along with my two from a previous and our two little ones.. She was more beautiful than me, more sexual, etc.. for the last four years... THe four counselors we have seen told me to hold on that it was an addiction and a reaction to her tragic death in front of him due to her drunkeness. He says he no longer feesl that way.. but i have survived four years of being told she was so much better and that it was ok because that was then, this is now but if he had to compare.. she exceeded... he says through counselling that he realizes it was a fantasy.. but the daily weekly, etc comparisons where she was superior to me especially in the physical and sexual arena has done damage to me... how can he remove all vestiges of her from our life when i am raising her son ( who looks just like her.. he doesn't remember her.. he was just 5 months old)... I learned all of this when we had been married only two months.. it has been four years...his last counselor tells me that he still hold much pride that he had someone in their physical and sexual pride she was 20-25 in their marriage.. i am now 43 this month and we have two small children ... i do not believe him that his opinion has changed...I believe she will always be eterenally young and beautiful.. ia m not an ugly person.. 5'7", 135 lbs, size 6.. used to do modelling.. but i do not evoke the feelings that she did.. how can he resign himself to life without her when he has her child.. and she only lives in his head.
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#2034095 - 03/27/08 01:41 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 how do you restor e the relationship after emotional infidelity in his head.. how will i ever know he is not still thinking about her and that i am what he wants .. not just a secondary substitute for what he wants.. it is not like he can physically chose me over her...he was advised to go to her grave and tell her about me and that he chooses me.. but he refuses to do that.. he has never seen the gravestone.. too much trauma to him..i am so ready to bolt.. i have spend thousands of dollars on counselling to have him spend the last four years to work on his self esteem so that he will not need her fantasy ( yes,, it was a fantasy.. she was a high school drop out and a drunk and unemployed.. i have a phd and make good money and am a good mother) SHe was chunky with a bad body shape.. already told you about me.. and he says he see that now.,.. but after four years of hearing how much better she was.. i do not believe him... how would i ever know.. do people ever really get over the death of a spouse and appreciate their new spouse as much.. or is it always a curse and they can only speak good of the dead.. to the detriment of their currenbt relationship who are told to just accept it as part of the mourning process.. help.. i can not find anyone to help me!!
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#2034510 - 03/27/08 07:30 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

cinderella
Member


Registered: 05/30/00
Posts: 11032
Loc: Kingdom of Caerlon (D/D board) How long was the interval between her death and the start of your relationship with him?

You know, what your marriage may need is for him to get some grief counseling. Right now, it may be that he needs that more than the two of you need marriage counseling. Just a thought.
_________________________
XFIL had surgery Tues-01/22/08. My daughter saw him and says he looks much better. XMIL rehabbing broken kneecap. They have always been kind to me. Pls continue to pray for them. "Chocolate gives you endorphens...endorphens make you happy. Happy women just don't kill their husbands."-- paraphrase of Elle Woods "Vengeance is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the other person to die." -- Harold Kraus

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#2034901 - 03/28/08 01:24 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: cinderella]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 nine years between her death and the start of a relationship with me.. with a failed three year marriage in those nine years also.. we tried marriage counselling and he has done individual counselling but they all have given him permission to hold these loftier ideas above me and to express them to me in speaking the truth.. i can not do it anymore.. and the worst part is that she was not a supermodel.. i am and alwaysh have been more attractive than her.. he just needs to remember her as such in order to validate himself. i can't do it anymore.. is there any GOOD materials out there regarding dealing with widows or widowers in second marriages?
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#2034909 - 03/28/08 01:40 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Pariah
Member


Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 655 My twin brother's wife was murdered back in 1992 and he didn't remarry until 2000.

He never speaks of his late wife, ever.
_________________________
Me 42 WW 43 SS 14 D-day 11-2-06 Affair with boss/neighbor She threw me out 1-13-07 Divorced 1-15-08

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#2034912 - 03/28/08 01:41 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Pariah]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 did he have children with her?
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#2034916 - 03/28/08 01:48 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Pariah]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 Are there any GOOD materials out there regarding dealing with widows or widowers in second marriages? I am so tired of being a default wife.. with his whole life wrapped up in her and her son.. He pays for all my stepson's stuff with money he recieves under a death benefit.. He pays for nothing for our two children together.. He says he can't afford to.. I make ten times more a month than him Literally.. I just feel so lost.. he an excuse or justification for everthing he does.
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#2034920 - 03/28/08 01:51 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

catperson
Member


Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 2248 If I had to guess, his actions are more about his lost youth/past than just about her. It can get complicated. But there's not much you can do about that. All you can do is offer a better alternative. I would start by setting some boundaries on what you consider his belittling of you. Would it be fair for you to say 'hon, I think you're not good looking enough. I wish you were like my last husband.'? Of course not. But YOU will have to point that out to him. Not as a DJ (put down), but as an honest statement of your feelings whenever he says such a thing. You have to establish a pattern of not accepting it.

He compares, you say something like 'when you do that, I feel bad, and I don't want to feel bad, so I would like you to see me for everything I offer. What do you like about me?' Don't let him get out of discussing it with you. If he says he doesn't want to, say 'ok, what would be a good time for you to discuss it?' You have to let him know how important it is to you, and let him know that if he doesn't understand it, your resentment will grow, and you don't want that.

Basically, you have to tell him that you deserve respect, and then act on it. If he refuses to deal with it, tell him 'every time you compare me to her, I am going to leave the room to collect my thoughts, so I can recharge and feel good about myself.' Your absence will make a big point.

That said, you need to be honest about what you're bringing to the table. Are you everything you can be in a wife? Do you know what your LBs are? Can you stop them? Do you know what his ENs are? Are you providing them?

Having kids puts a real damper on the feelings of love in the early years of a marriage, and you have to try extra hard to keep those good feelings going. Especially with a blended family. Get out of your rut, plan new things, make like fun again.
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#2034926 - 03/28/08 02:01 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 Sometimes I think the best thing is to stop fighting it.

Maybe something like "You're right. I'm nothing like her. But I love you, and beCAUSE I love you, I'm sorry she made choices that hurt you and (insert her son's name) and left you alone.

I'm honored that you chose me to be your companion and to help you raise (insert son's name), but I'm here by choice and I have feelings and worth and I mean something to these children.

But...there's something you may not have thought about...had she lived, with her drinking...the marriage may not have lasted anyway. She passed away beFORE any more damage was done. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened.

So...I suggest you honor her by raising your children in a secure marriage so that they can grow up happy and confident and knowing they are loved by a father AND a mother because I believe that's how she would have wanted it."

I know...it's too much to say...I just feel for you and hope it works out. I can't imagine her son getting past losing both mothers.



Edited by Soolee (03/28/08 02:01 PM)
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2034929 - 03/28/08 02:03 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: catperson]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 all of the last four therapists say he does not want to deal in reality as to the past relationship.. he wants and needs to remember it a certain way... and in order to put ANY value on it he has to belittel me.. because even without trying i so far exceed anyuthing she ever could have been... I have looked at my LB.. he claims my only LB is not allowing him to love both of us... and for confronting him about my denigration by his words that he says in comparison to her.... I am so hurt.... He says he no longer does the comparisons in his mind.. and that on paper he realizes that i exceed.. but his actions have not aligned with such .... he also says there was just something about her... I have finally gotten to the point that i am no longer trying to be the person he wants.. i am just being me...and I am realizing that NONE of my needs or desires are being met.... and it terrifies me that i have made such a bad mate chopice and creeated two beautiful children with such a defective person who will never appreciate or love them due to hisa infatuation with himself, her and their child
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i can't be happy and secure as a woman knowing he feels so limited towards me and reserving his best for the shadow of a dead drunk 10th grade educated unfaithful dead wife.. she was so unfaithful.. he is not even sure if the child we are raising is his? How can i be happy and secure if that is his version of good.... how low must he value me if i am below that person in his eyes.. If that extremely low version of appropriate behaviour in a relationship is good... how little does he value or even see my worth.. if that white trash was better?

I own my own business. i pay all the bills, I take off every day at 3 or 4 to take care of the kids, i coook good healthy meals 5-6 nights a week that we eat as a family.. i take the kids to church .. all five even when he is working....

Help me see why i should accept that i am lower than that dead wife.. help me understand why I should allow him to value me as below what i should deserve.. help me understand how i can be happy and feel secure and safe knowing he so undervalues me

Edited by wifeofwidow (03/28/08 02:14 PM)
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#2034960 - 03/28/08 03:10 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 I don't know. I can tell you that by jumping on the bandwagon and defending yourself, you are quite likely helping to aggravate and perpetuate the problem. Every try to take candy away from one of your kids? What do they do?

Perhaps your husband needs some validation, is what I was trying to explain in my previous post.

"Yes, it's unfortunate. She made some bad choices, but she was young and sometimes bad things happen when we drink." And then maybe something like "I feel sorry for her that she cannot see (fill in son's name) grow up. I will try to honor her memory by being a good mother to him."

This bashing her to force your husband to see how good you are is not going to win him over. It's only going to make him hang on all the harder.

Maybe you and the kids could plant a tree in her memory and plant some flowers around it this spring. It might go a long way in helping your husband see how selfless you are.

So, my advice is to stop comparing her to you. It has to start with you. And my next advice is to insist on not being insulted or put down. Leave the room, and TELL him why you're leaving. When you stay and put her down or defend yourself, you're not making headway. That strategy isn't working. It isn't productive, so stop.

Choose to instill peace and harmony in your home. Raise the bar as far as what kind of treatment you will accept. Create some boundaries.

Run your life by your OWN moral code, and not by anything else.

This reminds me of an earlier time in my marriage when he and I both would bash each others' parents. It wasn't until we both agreed to stop doing it that we could see our parents in an objective light and not from a defensive stance.



Edited by Soolee (03/28/08 04:12 PM)
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2035237 - 03/29/08 12:50 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

committedandlovi
Member


Registered: 06/02/02
Posts: 2415 Quote:
shadow of a dead drunk 10th grade educated unfaithful dead wife..

Quote:
if that white trash was better

Quote:
lower than that dead wife


I fear that these kind of remarks are going to crop up in real life.

How sad it would be if you were to make these remarks to that innocent child if they place their biological mother in some type of exalted status.

Sometimes it is hard to compete with a ghost. It doesn't matter what type of individual she was to him, he is going to hold her in some type of exalted status.

I am not saying that it is right for him to make statements like you have mentioned.

It is possible for there to be room in his heart for you AND her. He might feel somewhat responsible for her death. He could be thinking that he could have prevented it.

It is his to own.

Stop measuring yourself against her.

committed
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#2035523 - 03/30/08 07:43 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

HopeInHim
Member


Registered: 06/04/06
Posts: 57 This man has committed adultery in his heart. Jesus said if you have done it in your heart you are as guilty as if you actually did it. Even God doesn't expect you to stay with a man who has done and continues to do this to you.

Get out while you can.
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#2035681 - 03/31/08 08:41 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: HopeInHim]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 They have 5 kids, and it's never as easy as that.

And to one of those children, she is the only mother he's ever known and he isn't hers and quite possibly not HIS either.

It's never as easy as that when children are part of the mix and little hearts stand to be broken.

The man has some problems. He needs grief counseling and IC - as does she to bolster herself up again. I'm not convinced divorce is the answer.
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2035745 - 03/31/08 10:34 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 i have only had jake since he was 9.. he is not a good parent to him and marginal to my tow from a previous and the therapist told me to arrange to have someone else care for the two little ones other than him and to get a nanny cam for all other times.. He was sstaying home with the 3 year and 18 mth old... so i don't kinow how much of a loss it would be to everyone.. Jake resents me and has been told the fantasy of his wonderful beautiful wife and told explicitly by his father AND his paternal grandmother that his father will NEVER love me the way that he loved his mother. Jake has regularaly expressed that he would prefer to be the "token Love child(his father's word)" and that they lived without me.. so that he could be the center of attention and not have to share with my children who he has been told are defective ( although they are gifted and talented... and he struggles ( possibly as a result of fetal alcohol.. my guess.. due to anger and attention and other issues)) by his paternal grandmother..

I want to believe that my husband has gotten over the fantasy he created about this defective person that he was married to and had a child(?) with ... He was told to always remember her in the light of the truth of the situation in order to avoid going back to the fantasy.. in order to justify and deal with his unjustified at this point..grief.. the word that i state in unglamorous way about her are not my word but his owrds during his 3 years of discovery of the truth about her.. but he always goes back to he loved her more until very recently when i told him 4 years was enough and either it was her or me.. he left for one day and then returned saying he would continue counselling and would make it all up to me... he has not used her memory to beat me up anymore since 6 months ago.. but he has not treated me even as good as he did when he was in full swing of idolizing her.. even used to have sex with her in his sleep , while i was in the bed.. called out in his sleep telling her to forgive him for meing with me and having a baby that should have been theirs while dreaming...my life has been insane..

As part of the therapy he was to discover the truth of her and their relationship, so he could stop overvaluing it and begin to value me as he should as a wife.... he would make the realizations, make the truth statements to me.. tell my vlaue.. often exceeding to hers.. but to do such would make him mad and then he would take it back and say that she still was supoerior in the looks and sex department....

I am having a hard time believeing that he has made a permanent change.. his actions toward me do not justify my trust.. he has not made amends nor does he intend to.. because that would mean bringing up the past and he simpoly wants to move forward and not address the HELL he put me through,, claiming it was hell for him too... BUT HE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON!!@!!... HE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO WAS HELD TO A SUBSTANDARD UNDER VALUED VIEW>>

PLEASE HELP
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#2035755 - 03/31/08 10:42 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 I do not bash her..But i have held my ground that she was not better than me and never would be and if he can not see that then he need s to go be alone with her memory and not me...

WE have stopped talking about her.. but i live with four years of daily having been told that my husband values her in every way over me and no amends to tell me that he not longer holds these views..

I live with she was best then.. you are best now.... but if i had to compare the two.. i loved her more.. she was sexier and had a better more sexual body to my liking that i would chose everyday over you and therefore i do not value your looks or body or sexual attractiveness nor feel it for you likie i know i am capable of with an individual!!

I can't keep doing this unless he is somehow able to show me that things have changed.., words and actions.. rectifing past comments removing beliefs he has placed in my head.. expressing remorse for the fantasy beliefs he held and how they hurt me and that he no longer holds any of them to be true... or i want out
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#2035781 - 03/31/08 11:26 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Aphaeresis
Member


Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 560 I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but you need to put your kids first. MB says otherwise, but I've seen too many women fail to protect their kids against rotten men. Is he really as bad a stepfather as you say (or are you just angry right now)? Too many women make the mistake of marrying men who turn out to be bad fathers or stepfathers and they stay anyway. Or worse, they end up subjecting their kids to a string of bad stepfathers. Don't be one of those!

You said he started to change a little when you threatened to leave. Maybe he needs another scare. Be willing to walk if he's not willing to change, not only toward you but toward the kids, too. And if he is willing, try to find a marriage counselor who isn't an idiot. Maybe you should just do the MB phone counseling and forget about finding an in-person one (unless of course there's an MB counselor in your area.)

I wouldn't worry about your stepson being an obstacle to working things out if you choose to do so, though. If his father decides he wants to work things out, your stepson will eventually accept it, too. I have a feeling he's just parroting things his dad is saying. It's really up to his dad, not you, to talk to him and make him okay with this. You should make it clear to your husband that how his son copes with the new marriage depends primarily on him (your husband), and that you don't blame the boy.
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#2035799 - 03/31/08 11:53 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Aphaeresis]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 i don't blame the boy.. i just have 4 other biological children to protect..

i am having a hard time doing the MB and LB issues knowing all that my H has expressed that he feels (felt) without any conversation that it has changed and that he not only values me know.. but that he no longer values that defective person and relationship ( for whatever purpose...)

He will not go back to counselling..I am just now getting him to listen to the MB book on CD.. but he refuses to do the assignments at the end of the chapter with me... syas too tired and too busy

OH yeah.. after we got married and in dealing with these dreams that started the whole discussion of his feelings that he failed to tell me about prior to marriage.. he was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar ... mainly depressive... and i have spend over 20K in his counselling alone and in his doctors and medication

He can not support jake and himself on his salary.. so i suppose that he stays and tells me what i want to hear, in part to maintain a standard of living and roof over their head.. he does not contribute one dime to OUR two children... nor the household

when he left before... 6 months ago.. he told Jake that he had to leave because I and the counselors would not allow him to still love his dead ex.. how special

He has been told to get Jake in counselling.. he met with one counselor and did not like her then dropped the issue... Jake steals and lies and is deceptive.. something that my children do not do and it they attempt to do.. are severely punished.. Jake is not...

I am having a hard time being positive and upbeat and planning with my kids for the future and planning for my life in the future (social events, vacations, etc.. ) when i feel so negative about myself in his presence.. as i live with the knowledge that he so undervalues me.. or has not rectified how he feels about me

I do not feel this way when he is not present

the reason rectification and clarification and amends is so important is that he previously told me
1. what he thought i wanted to hear .. although he did not feel it
2. he felt ok about me.. but knew he felt better about her and accepted that it would never be as good as it was with her and it was his DIRTY little secret!!
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#2035800 - 03/31/08 11:54 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Aphaeresis]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510
My second dose of advice is to get yourself some boundaries. Tell him you'll stay for now to see if things have changed but that you don't intend to stay forever if you and the kids are going to be treated poorly.

When that date comes up, regroup the happenings over the last several months, try to be objective, reassess, and make a decision to stay or separate.

My take on this is that your husband may have obsessive compulsive disorder coupled with depression and that his mother is compounding the situation and making it worse by brainwashing her grandson AND your husband and perpetuating his grief and sense of guilt. You may want to call his IC to discuss it with him or her as well.

If he does have OCD - he's lived in a perpetuated state of never being sure of himself - and that's where his mother's hold comes in. (This is just my goofy analysis.) Maybe she has always been there to tell him 'how to think.'

Staying with him may be enabling his behavior and obsessive tendencies and could, quite possibly, make it unnecessary (in his eyes) to get substantial help and assess his mother's hold on him. If he thinks you'll stay despite poor treatment, there's no reason to put a stop to it.

If you think he's sick and won't get the medical attention he needs if you stay, then I can understand your desire to live elsewhere. Divorce is quite final though, and you do have to ask yourself if it's absolutely necessary right now.
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Aphaeresis]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 does anyone know if there is any materials approved by MB about making amends that are on Audio or video?
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#2035803 - 03/31/08 11:59 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 I wrote all that before I realized he has bipolar.

Is he medicating for it?
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2035805 - 03/31/08 12:02 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 OH yeah.. after we got married and in dealing with these dreams that started the whole discussion of his feelings that he failed to tell me about prior to marriage.. he was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar ... mainly depressive... and i have spend over 20K in his counselling alone and in his doctors and medication

He can not support jake and himself on his salary.. so i suppose that he stays and tells me what i want to hear, in part to maintain a standard of living and roof over their head.. he does not contribute one dime to OUR two children... nor the household


what do you do with someone who will not tell you the truth ( via amends) despite being told to rectify his previous delusion and fantsy thought and despite knowing the truth..

when i have asked for it in the past.. over 6 months ago...I got the information that he secretly still held he on a pedestal.. that is when he left
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#2035807 - 03/31/08 12:04 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 three of the best psychatrist in my town.. one who does not accept insurance

Lamictal, selexa.... seems to work best.. no depressive episodes, to where he can not get out of bed.. no violent outburst

all counselling started as marriage counselling then progressed to i need to see H alone before we can work on the marriage...

I HAVE NO HOPE, NO JOY< NO DREAMS
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#2035854 - 03/31/08 01:56 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 Well...I think you need to ask yourself what you really want then.

Do you want to stay married to him or not?

Do you want to stay but put some firm boundaries in place, see how things are in 6 months, or are you ready to separate right now?

This feeling sorry for yourself isn't proactive. He has some real issues, but YOU need to concentrate on the things you DO have some control over - and the first order of business if figuring out what it is you're willing to put up with and what you are NOT willing to put up with - how long you're willing to wait to see a pertinent change in him, etc.

If you choose to separate, remember the children need a reliable, healthy caregiver. If living together is a detriment to that - is a threat to their well being, perhaps you need to suggest he move in with his mother for a while and give the boy a choice of whom he wants to live with, assuring him he is very much wanted and welcome to stay with his siblings. Whatever you do, I suggest you try and be present in his life - be a maternal figure to him - be there for him - be a friend, and remember he's an innocent child in all of this.

You should not have to leave the home with your kids. It's a part of their security, and uprooting them could compound the negativity of a separation.

Also wanted to mention while it's on my mind that your husband may be eligible for SSI due to his bipolar. Sometimes the red tape is a pain, but I've heard that people are sometimes eligible, and this could help offset the cost of his medications. I would also keep track of all your expenses involving his care, and see if you can claim any of it.

This is just one link that may be of interest:

http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/medicine-medication-prescription-drugs-bipolar-disorder.html










Edited by Soolee (03/31/08 02:02 PM)
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2036062 - 03/31/08 10:14 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 my husband will not qualify for SSI.. he is employed.. ia am an attorney...

his mother is not an option.. he has cut all links to her

jake would love to see me fall off the planet.. so him and his dad could go back to revelling in the fact that his mother was so wonderful without me getting upset..he is defiant, manipulative, deceiptful, and dangerously angry to the younger children... he gets violent when rules are applied to him and takes it as a personal attack.. he feels he is above rules and has stated that he should not have them applied to him because he is so superior and entitled due to his mom being his father's love and he the product of such
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#2036063 - 03/31/08 10:15 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 i do not have to leave MY house.. when all this secret that he held from me first came up i made him sign a postnuptial... my business, my house, my cars , my retirements and all future earning are protected
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#2036064 - 03/31/08 10:17 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 jake does not consider the two babies his siblings. they are simply a wedge between his father and him and he despises his step brothers unless he can steal something of theirs from them or use one of their items
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#2036066 - 03/31/08 10:18 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 what do i really want.. i wanted a husband who loved me.. who adored me.. he was faithful.. who placed noone above me.. who cherished me above all others
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#2036073 - 03/31/08 10:32 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

catperson
Member


Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 2248 I don't say this very often, but unless there's more to the story (his side) than you're telling, you might as well just leave so that you can both have the family you need. Let them spend the rest of their lives reliving the past, and let you raise your sons in a healthy environment. I don't often give up on kids, but it sounds like Jake is damaged goods and can likely become violent to your sons. I would send them packing if it was me. Sorry, but they scare me.
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#2036085 - 03/31/08 11:18 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: catperson]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 i tried to be a mohter to jake but his grandmother and dad kept perpetuating a fantasy that would not allow him to accept or bond with me or his siblings
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#2036112 - 04/01/08 06:10 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

mlhb
Member


Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 2150
Loc: New York i worry about your children too... can you imagine how they must feel living in this mess? (your kids from a previous marriage I mean) although all kids probably are feeling it.

i'd be out of there too. i'd say they need to leave until he gets the help he needs and until he can put his new family first and foremost.

i personally could not live like that and in this sitch, my kids would definitely come first.

mlhb
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My Biz: http://www.freewebs.com/michelleshealthy4life

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#2036124 - 04/01/08 06:47 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: mlhb]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 What will you do at this point? What are your plans? You need to make some decisions here.

I get that you're hurting and in pain. I understand that he did you wrong. I'm hoping when and if you move on, that you'll be able to forgive him in view of his disorder and inability to empathize properly.

His son has obviously inherited some problems - could be FAS, but it could also be bipolar as well. It's very unfortunate. I hope they both get the help they need, especially with no support network.

I'm daring to suggest that you, being the responsible person you are, get the resources lined up, names of doctors, etc., and suggest that he arrange for Jake to get some psychological testing done. He may require medication that he isn't getting, and he may need help that is available.

A DNA test to determine if he's the child's actual father certainly could aid in determining if he's predisposed to bipolar as well.



Edited by Soolee (04/01/08 06:48 AM)
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2036149 - 04/01/08 08:02 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

Dobie
Member


Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 4334
Loc: Sheet Creek I don't think this guy talks about how great his first wife was because it's the truth. I think he does it because it's the magic way to hurt you and still look like he's just being faithful to her memory. I can't think of any constructive reason to say that ANY woman is better than you, dead or not. But it hurts you, lowers your self esteem, and allows him some level of control.

You and your children don't need this.
_________________________
Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.

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#2036305 - 04/01/08 12:22 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Dobie]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 why would he need to hurt me?


I just wish i could know whether many widowers act this way and it is just a reaction to death or that he is just a damaged individual or that he is just mean and selfish...

I sometimes feel that there should be a warning on widow and widowers that they are so damaged that they are often incapable of being ion a biblical fully committed relationship because they are still responsible to and for the previous relationship more than they can ever be with or toward you.
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#2036306 - 04/01/08 12:23 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: catperson]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 THis concern about violence is what two therapists said.. no just with jake but with my H
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#2036331 - 04/01/08 01:02 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Dobie
Member


Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 4334
Loc: Sheet Creek He hurts you because he can. Explaining why an abusive person is abusive would take entire books.

This isn't usually something that one event creates in a person. I'd bet money that he treated his deceased wife the same way.
_________________________
Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.

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#2036406 - 04/01/08 02:57 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Dobie]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 is there any fixing that situation of his abuse.. ie is there anything i could do to remedy the situation... or should i just get out while i still have the strength
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#2036428 - 04/01/08 03:45 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 You said yourself that you have no hope and no dreams...etc.

This is what I think...

I think the man has issues and needs to have medical attention on an ongoing basis with his medication levels checked regularly to ensure that his dosing is accurate.

I think the man needs individual counseling on an ongoing basis.

I think you need individual counseling to help you make a clear decision on what you want for yourself and your children.

I think the boy has issues and needs a psychological assessment by a trained professional.

I think you need to put a time frame on how long you're willing to wait to see significant changes in your husband and the marriage.

I think in the case of a widower - you have every right not to be compared to or put down with regard to his past experiences with his wife.

I think you deserve respect.

I also think that it is unreasonable of you to think he shouldn't love his former wife. I think in cases of remarriage, residual feelings are normal and should be respected. I do think people are capable of loving another person, but to expect a clean slate is just not doable or realistic. Everything in moderation, not extreme, but to expect him to never talk about her, or (for instance) put all pictures of her away, etc. is unreasonable. I think it would speak volumes to him to show compassion for his wife and son due to their loss and to even suggest some sort of memorial, to take the boy to the cemetery with flowers on Memorial Day, etc. That child has a right to know where his mother is buried, and frankly, he has a right to know who his real father is, if possible.

It all boils down to what you feel is reasonable and what you can live with versus what you simply cannot abide.

I have trouble understanding why you've had 2 children together with all this going on, but I can understand how things just happen too. I just figure there must have been something there to get you two together. What was it? Your pity? Fill us in.
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2036471 - 04/01/08 04:37 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

committedandlovi
Member


Registered: 06/02/02
Posts: 2415 Quote:
I also think that it is unreasonable of you to think he shouldn't love his former wife. I think in cases of remarriage, residual feelings are normal and should be respected. I do think people are capable of loving another person, but to expect a clean slate is just not doable or realistic. Everything in moderation, not extreme, but to expect him to never talk about her, or (for instance) put all pictures of her away, etc. is unreasonable. I think it would speak volumes to him to show compassion for his wife and son due to their loss and to even suggest some sort of memorial, to take the boy to the cemetery with flowers on Memorial Day, etc. That child has a right to know where his mother is buried, and frankly, he has a right to know who his real father is, if possible.


These are some very good point.

The comments I mentioned earlier:

lower than that dead wife

if that white trash was better

shadow of a dead drunk 10th grade educated unfaithful dead wife..

are reflective of YOU and not her. These are the comments from a cold, unfeeling, callous person and you are painting yourself in this light when you use these words when talking about his deceased wife, and the mother of your stepson. It keeps you ingrained in bitterness and ugliness.

I have been widowed TWICE...both times by the time I was 42 years old.

The gentleman in my life now has been very understanding of this. He knows that I need to "talk" about my late husband at times. He knows that I shared a very important history with this person. He was special in my life at one time. I am who I am because of that life.

Your comments are ugly. I know that you need to vent, but these kind of comments aren't helpful to you.

committed
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Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 the difference between your situation and his is that she was not special to him.. the words that i used are his words about her during his periods of discovery as to the truth of her and the relationship.. he created a fantasy only AFTER her death.. that she was all that he previously stated.. and then came to realization that he created that fantasy as result of not appropriately dealing with the TRAUMA of seing her die.. his first thought after he realized she was dead was " i'm finally free of her"

the counselors have said tha he has to accept the relity of her shortcomings and the relity of her personhood and their relationship and NEVER go back to his thought pattern of she was so special or great to him or he runs HUGE risk of going back to the fantasy thought patterns

he has had much difficulty accepting the fac that he at that time chose such an unattractive deficient person.. and although he has acknowledged it during counselling.. he waffles and going back to his place of previous security and fantasy that it was special and great and SUPERIOR...

he married her out of his defiencies at the time and his neediness and damage from child hood.. she was not what he wanted nor would have chosen.. she was not special to him.. but simply a bad choice he made out of his damage at that time...

Your situation seems like it was different...

to encourage him to do things to elevate or acknowledge good in that previous relationship is COUNTER to everything four counselors have told him due to his weakness and propensity to fall back intop that damaging and fantasy.. not reality based mindset..

i have encouraged jake to write letters to his mother on mother's day, etc.. but he never knew her... his father does not talk to him about her at all.. not even on his birthday about his birth.. i shared with the child the fact that he was a cesearean baby and his time of birth etc.. alone this year on his birthday because i thought it was important.
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#2036933 - 04/02/08 12:13 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 the counselors have asked my H to go to the graevsite and place of accident and tell her godobye and perhaps even good riddance and even acknowledge his dispappointments with her an how wrong so much of their relationship was.. but he has refused

i allowed pictures in jake's room of his mother but H removed them against my protests for benefit of child.. He was asked by the counselor to do such becuase it was perpetuating the fantasy that if she had lived how much better he and son would have been in H's mind... and stepson did not even remember her.. they were for H's benefit.. stepson did not want them.. they were simply a shrine for H to go in and perpetuate fantasy...

remember.. he is not even sure child is his also.. but he will not do paternity test.. i requested

The problem still exists that he reverts to this fantasy thought pattern of her.. and that he has failed to make amends to me for the horrible and hateful way that he held her elevated above me in so many ways.. even when clearly and pictorially she was nothing compared to me in reality.. he has remained fixated that she must have been beautiful or he would not have been with her because there was no other reason he would have been with such a person ( which he has accepted through counselling and relizations he has made without me)

THe problem exists that when he is allowed ( according to the counselors ) to go back to this fantasy thought pattern.. he devalues me in order to value someone who was so deficient.. that he wanted a divorce from.. that he had such a deificent and bad relationship with and who was a BAD choice from the beginning...

BUt to admit that she was a bad choice from the beginning reflects badly on him so he hangs to the delusion ( counselor's words) that she must have been all that and that he can not feel the same if not more for me.. because if she was not all that .. not only did he make a bad choice with her but he has been horrible to someone sho has deserved so much more
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#2036934 - 04/02/08 12:14 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 oh yeah.. just FYI.. she was not wife #1.. she was #2... stepson was not child #1 he was his second son
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#2036937 - 04/02/08 12:18 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 maybe i am cold and callous after four years of this abuse.. but i should not have to continue in a relationship where no amends are made for the abuse that was flooded on me..

I am sure that you don't tell your current H that you loved your previous ones MORE and that they were more attractive and sexual to you than he ever can be.. especially if they were not attractive individuals

My only question.. is will this ever stop... how much is enough...

Stopping is good.. but is it unreasonable to desire AMENDS for the untruthful and hateful thaings that wer said to me and corrections of the truth versus the fantsy staements regarding her as it relates to her being better than me.. when clearly she was not according to the infomration he provided the counselors

HE HAS REFUSED TO DO AMENDS WORK TO ME.. WHIHC MAKES ME WONDER IF THE FANTASY PERSISTS ( VERY AKIN TO AN ADULTERY REMAINING... BECAUSE WHAT HE DID WAS HAVING ADULTERY IN HIS MIND.. WISHIN HE WAS WITH HER STILL.. RESERVING HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE AND ADMIRATION FOR HER)....IF THERE IS INFIDELITY .. DOESN'T THERE NEED TO BE AMENDS WORK??

Edited by wifeofwidow (04/02/08 03:46 PM)
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#2037143 - 04/02/08 05:15 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

HopeInHim
Member


Registered: 06/04/06
Posts: 57 Wifeofwidow,

I know how stupid things can get stuck in somebody's mind -- I've had a few really untrue fears stuck in my mind about my wonderful husband, even with absolutely no basis in fact. It sounds to me like your husband has a real psychological problem regarding his dead wife.

This man is REALLY committing adultery in his mind with her. I said this in an earlier post. If you've done it in your heart, you're guilty of it. Even Jesus does not require you to stay with an adulterer.

Also.... you sound like an educated, intelligent, professional woman. What would make you willing for one minute to stay with anyone that didn't value you above all women and take pains to see that both you and the world know it?

Also, I beg you to protect your own two children from his child. I must disagree with Soolee. I think it's absolutely ABSURD to suggest that you do one more thing for either of these people. Give them the boot is what I would do, and recommend they give their hearts to Jesus and see the truth. In the meantime, get AWAY!

God bless you, I will pray for you.
_________________________
**Formerly Stuck in Past**

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#2037148 - 04/02/08 05:27 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: committedandlovi]

HopeInHim
Member


Registered: 06/04/06
Posts: 57 Originally Posted By: committedandlovi


The gentleman in my life now has been very understanding of this. He knows that I need to "talk" about my late husband at times. He knows that I shared a very important history with this person. He was special in my life at one time. I am who I am because of that life. committed



Well, fine and OK, but do you talk about him excessively? Do you consider your boyfriend's feelings or have you told him you'll never love him like you did your husband? That he just isn't as "sexy," etc. like Wife ofwidow's husband has said to her? This is just absolutely OVER THE TOP commentary. Nobody wants to marry a divorced or widowed person only to find that they are the permanent SUBSTITUE. If the widowed or divorced person can't make the new spouse their top priority and desire, then DON'T GET REMARRIED! Nobody signs on to be "Settled for!"
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#2037155 - 04/02/08 05:30 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: Soolee]

HopeInHim
Member


Registered: 06/04/06
Posts: 57 Originally Posted By: Soolee
I think it would speak volumes to him to show compassion for his wife and son due to their loss and to even suggest some sort of memorial, to take the boy to the cemetery with flowers on Memorial Day, etc. That child has a right to know where his mother is buried, and frankly, he has a right to know who his real father is, if possible.


Sorry to disagree Soolee, but this is absurd, as I said above. It's HIS turn for gestures, if any are to be made. It sounds to me like she's gone above and beyond trying to "honor her memory" or whatever.
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#2037208 - 04/02/08 07:53 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: HopeInHim]

Soolee
Member


Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 2510 How has she respected her memory? Can you give me some examples?

As far as gestures go, at this point I'm not sure she'd ever believe him sincere anyway.

All I saw were insults from her. She didn't even know the woman, from what I gather. She's just grown to hate her over time - because of the things she has heard. I don't blame her; she's human.

But in keeping him on the defense, he can't loosen his grip of the memory because he's too afraid someone will desecrate it.

It's impossible for him to see his dead wife in an objective light because he's constantly defending her. Why does he feel the need to defend her? THAT'S the real question.

I do hope she's had the sense not to speak ill of the woman in front of the boy. However, even in front of the husband had to keep him in a chronic defense mode.

I'm not saying he doesn't carry some of the blame. I think he needs counseling. But SHE'S the one who is here, not him. she needs to focus on what she can control, and he isn't it.

Maybe she just needs to quit fighting it. Maybe she just needs to say something off the wall like "You know, honey. You're right. I'll leave you with your memories. I hope they keep you warm at night. I hope they make you great meals and provide you with the companionship you'll need through life. I'll be at (fill in the blank) for a week in case you change your mind about having a normal marriage. Tell Jake I love him and that he can call me whenever he needs me or wants to talk.




Edited by Soolee (04/02/08 08:14 PM)
_________________________
Sooly "If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world." Advice for this week: "Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - - -Miss Piggy Me 44 DH 44 Together for 25 years. Married 18 years.

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#2037709 - 04/03/08 07:19 PM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: HopeInHim]

committedandlovi
Member


Registered: 06/02/02
Posts: 2415 I believe that she has said that he does NOT do that anymore.

I read her posts to say that she is having a hard time moving past what he has said in the past.

Since SHE is the one here, SHE is the one that has to do the changing...not her H.

committed
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#2037820 - 04/04/08 02:46 AM Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: wifeofwidow]

Aphaeresis
Member


Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 560 These counselors don't make any sense. So he's living in a fantasy world in which his late wife could do no wrong. Isn't that the description of just about everyone who loses someone to death? And if he was having serious marital problems before she died, that's even more reason why he'd be acting like that. Ambivalent feelings toward the deceased make the grieving process much more difficult.

Now of course he should not be making comparisons to you - that's just wrong. But I don't think it's necessary for him to look at that past marriage objectively and decide oh yeah, she was a bad person after all. She didn't leave him, she died - he'd suffer too much guilt. So expecting him to agree with you that she was awful - well that's never going to happen, nor should it.

And as someone else already mentioned, he could just be defending her because you're attacking her. She's really beside the point anyway. She could have been a perfect angel, and he still would not have the right to compare you to her out loud. So saying bad things about her isn't going to get you anywhere.
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Re: my husband is a widower.. [Re: HopeInHim]

wifeofwidow
Member


Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 29 what kind of gestures would be appropriate.. given the information posted.. i know counselors are not big on amends.. but is it wrong to request him to correct the images and comparisons ( negative towards me) that he painted in my mind as to his beliefs and feelings about me.

is it wrong for me to request him to tell me how he now feels in light of the factual "truth" and the feelings he has now in light of the counselling he has done as to his feelings about me and as to the feelings that he previously stated were so much stronger for her..

is it wrong to requerst him to rectify and readdress the glorified statements about her and tell he how he now feels about her and follow it up with how he feels about me

i feel like he did so many years of comparisons of her winning over me that since he has done his counselling to see the "truth" and did not share those thoughts and feelings with me.. other than i don't feel anything for her anymore.. that he needs to tell me how he does think.. if not feel about the areas he expressed were sop much better than me and to tell me those no longer exist so i can stop being so uncomfortable around him and feeling like he does not appre3ciate what i do or am because even when i was doing it beofre he was wishing i was more like her or not appreciating me for what i did because he was "still in love with and married in his head " to her

Is it wrong to ask him to reexpress in all those areas where he held her loftier than me.. if he says now he does not do it?
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thank you for your advice..i was advised by another post that i should give more information on this site... i have reposted below.. it is very long.. if you have have the time could you read and address the last issues in the postings?

it has progressed from 40 plus thoughts about her while married to me by noon.. this was in improvement he shared with me though his therapy.. now he claims it is only occassional.. but he still hold things sacred or special from the past...

I have been taking your advise and fyi..

last saturday.. dressed to a T.. out to eat .. without the 5 kids.. adult restaurant.. we get home.. not even the usual nighttime kissess. i ask for explanation... "i know you are sexy and attractive but i don't feel sexual arousal with you"

then it turned into a four hour barage of how he had had greater and stronger and more consistent feelings of attraction , desire and arousal with his second dead wife

last night... talking about his needs, her needs.... i was advised that because i make more money than him that i do not make him feel like a man and he really enjoyed and still hold as a pleaseurable relationship that had more partnership and connectedness and pride because he was the primary provider iwth dead wife #2... and that that relationship felt better to him as a man because he felt like he was the provider .. innstead of respecting and feeling pride that i to maintain our standard of living (and the fact that he refused to work while doing the therapy for two years.. said he could not do both...) went to work within two weeks of both babies being born despite heart complications with the last.. i did not want to .. but i did not have a choice.. but he had more pride that she made $300 a week and helpoed him than the fact i have supported our over $200k lifestyle.. he saw it as a sacrifice for her but sees it as so easy for me?? why does he still put such high attributes on any pice of garbage she did.. but diminimizes the actually sacrificial actions i have done and endured and provided.

he could not see how his position with me that he could not be encouraging to me or positive about feeling like a man unless he is the primary wage earner and he STILL hold pleaseure in the fact that he thought he was the primary wage earner in his second dead wife marriage is hurtful to me.. even when i expressed that it concerns me that i can not meet his need to feel like a man