Hey there everyone. I'm not sure where to post this but it's really been bothering me for for a bit now.

Generally, a few weeks ago my wife and I had "the talk". Pretty much saying that she wasn't happy. This was two days after I decided that I needed to really step up. That I needed to give it 110%. I work a full time job and am in the process of really rocking with my own business as a photographer. Which keeps me pretty busy. But I noticed I was becoming my father, I love him, he was a great man but looking back, not such a great husband or father. I don't want to become him. So I have stepped everything up quite a bit. Helping around the house more, with the kids and really being a part of the family which I surely was not. It got really bad about 2.5 years ago when I had a bad bike accident
( I race bikes, the kind you pedal) and was in the trauma center then 10 days later my father passed away. Things got pretty bad there for a while.

Anyway, we have been doing much better over the past few weeks. We've been happy, we enjoy being around each other and with each other. The problem just comes to the "bedroom" side. We both find each other attractive but I feel that now she just doesn't seem to be sexually attracted. She actually says it's her and that she just doesn't feel like having sex and she finds me attractive and her friends do also. She understands that it is a large part of a marriage, to have that connection. We have been together since we were 19 and the past few years have been very good in the bedroom I just feel that I may have killed all of that over the past year or so because of my dis-attachment. I guess I am at a loss here on what can help bring that part of us back around???

~Tim

Hi JT,

I highly recommend the book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", maybe you can read it together. It offers great insight.

I would also recommend marriage coaching with the Harley's.

Maybe even investing in the Marriage Builders weekend seminar. It is inexpensive compared to a divorce attorney!

JustTim,

Welcome to MB. You might try posting this on the Emotional Needs forum too. They get more traffic there, and "sexual fullfilment" is a topic frequently discussed since it's an important EN.

Hello Tim!

It's wonderful that you are helping more around the house and spending time with the family. Are you also spending more one-on-one time with your wife also? If your wife is like me, that would be important to getting back that attraction ... what I wanted was to feel like my husband was still my best friend. I needed to feel like I knew what was going on with him and that he was interested in what was going on with me.

I also want to suggest you be patient with your wife. It's only been a few weeks since you've made these changes and it takes time for your wife to feel that they are real and to build back the feeling of closeness. If you keep it up though I know it will happen.

You know, I really do enjoy working around the house more. I enjoy knowing that I am taking some weight off of her shoulders. Last night we had a slightly more in depth conversation about this and part of her doesn't want to talk about things that can drag on in a conversation where one of things I'm trying to do is talk more and tell her more about what I'm feeling. It's something she asked and now she doesn't want it. But she understood when I told her that she wanted me to talk and telling me she doesn't want to talk more in depth will push me back into "my cave"...

Anyway, one thing she said is that a fantasy she has is for that connection to be there and when I asked what connect she said that new and exciting connection. I read more about that yesterday so it really wasn't much of a surprise. So I asked more about the new and exciting connection and if she was thinking about it in a way of just meeting, and she said yes, when we first met. I talked about that with her and that I feel like that's a connection that can still be there if she opens up to the fact that we can still be exciting. And that I understand it's tough when we've been together for 12 years with an 11 year old and 7 year old and are both 31. Really, we both sort of know that we could go our own directions and have new and exciting. But back to the point is that the new and exciting is something she could obviously get else where but only by tearing the family apart and what, that maybe she would have new and exciting there for how long? Then what? Back to the family who cares for her and provided for her? I told her that wouldn't happen because I'm not going to open the door to let her leave and come back. I am having to deal with enough pain because of this.

Anyway, that was a bit of a rant, I guess I will just keep doing what I'm doing. We have a weekend planned in a few weeks where we will be going away. I really want to find someone to watch the kids for a night this weekend. We're just trying to deal with such money issues that it makes it tough. I know that's so many people in this country right now too...

I know she loves me, I know we are great friends and hopefully the intimacy will come back in too. Last night we had alot of kissing and holding, I just feel like there is now a pressure on me to be new and exciting and I guess that is part of the knot in my stomach??? dunno. I guess time will tell????

Thanks for the responses...

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