I tried to implement Plan B but after my adulterous unremorseful husband moved back in, things are worse and he still continues his affairs via internet. I'm trying to decide what to do and have been seeking information to provide me with relevant perspectives. Here's some background of our journey after discovery day.

In a few weeks it'll be two years since my discovery of my husband's affair in a Latin American country where he frequently travelled for work. The affair began shortly after we decided to start a family after 10+ years of marriage, at his initiative, but before we knew I got pregnant successfully. Right at around the same time, he began frequenting pornographic websites. Our relationship became very strained throughout my first and second trimesters and I discovered his affair during our babymoon holiday abroad, which was just before my third trimester. Although he's no longer travelling to that country, and the physical contact has ceased, the affair has continued via the internet. Six months after our baby was born, I asked him to move out because his frequent contact with her and his confessing love to her had never stopped. He asked to return after moving out for a week and was committed to working on our marriage. I asked him to wait two more weeks to rethink and be sure of that decision, and to break off contact with her, before allowing him to move back. I had NC with him, did not take his calls nor reply to his emails. He did move back in at the end of the three weeks, making the commitment to work on us. However, his contact with her resumed shortly after he moved back. A foreign assignment opportunity came up and I wanted a fresh start for us, changing scenary for the marriage. He was supportive of the move. I insisted that if he were to continue the contact with her and allow our marriage to decay further, then we should take this opportunity to separate, and see where life brings each of us. He wavered heavily about whether to move given that request. Our entire family did end up moving to Europe shortly after our baby turned one although his decision was made at the last minute, somewhat reluctantly. Sadly, he again resumed the contact shortly after we moved and now we are continuing down this destructive path for our family, except now it's with us all in a foreign country.

Since my discovery of his affair, my husband has refused any kind of counselling and claimed that I didn't meet his needs or else he wouldn't have to have an affair. He also believes that articles I found on websites such as MarriageBuilders only confirmed his justification. Even though he acknowledged that the affair was a mistake, now that he's had it (and still continuing it), he claims that he is not in love with me anymore. He questioned if he ever was and he doesn't think he can be again. He believes that she's his true love, soul mates, that they are made for each other. He has said before that he's only staying for our child. His own father left his mother for another woman when he and his brothers were pre-teens. But he can't stop his frequent correspondences with her, in which he makes promises and future plans with her. I've been going through emotional roller coasters for more than a year after my discovery and am devastated by what we are going through. However, I was willing to do anything to save my marriage and hoped to preserve a complete yet happy healthy family unit for our child. Now I'm not sure if that's even a possibility because it does take two, then my husband seems to still be missing in this. Leading up to the move, even though he was distant and aloof and down right rude sometimes, and we did fight and argue a lot, but at least we were communicating all the pains and hurt we felt. Now, after we've been in Europe, he continues all the unacceptable behaviors including frequent correspondences with her and his addiction to pornography on the internet. In addition, he completely shuts off communication with me, just going through the minimum exchanges and motions for what need to be done to care for our child and his daily life.

My assignment is for two years there is about another year left before I have to decide whether to extend or to return to the US. What I had hoped as a change of scenary and fresh start for our marriage isn't happening. And I've already tried Plan B. I am now struggling with the strain my marriage is experiencing, being the main bread winner, being a working mom and being in a foreign country all at the same time. I would like some perspectives from anyone who may have dealt with similar issues.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, SI...so sorry you have to be here...very happy you found this forum.

Have you read all about Plan A and Plan B here on the forum, in "Surviving an Affair"? Plan B doesn't end until he meets all the requirements...sounds like he didn't have many to meet.

Would you consider discontinuing your internet access from home? You could use MB from the library or a friend's house.

Did you do Plan A? Did you expose to your family, his family, the OW's husband or family?

Your WH remains wayward...he hasn't come out the fog...even once. See, he has to have a plan to come home...and he didn't have one, did he?

Counseling, communication exercises, no internet access (to help him keep his resolve), 15 hours of Undivided Attention, date nights...and write a No Contact (NC) letter to the OW...

Since he's not out of the fog...you have to make sure you're not in it. He can say you weren't meeting his ENs and therefore, he finds others who do...up to you to KNOW that's untrue. You had absolutely NO responsibility in his choice to cheat or to continue cheating.

He's choosing.

If you've read all about His Needs, Her Needs, then you know the importance of Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Have you guys done the questionnaires, back when he came home?

Do you see your choice, your half, in allowing him home before he really met your expectations? See, do the work, then come home...go to counseling with you for two months, then come home...do NO porn for two months, spend 15 hours of UA time together...write the NC email/letter...give you all the passwords to all email/internet accounts...transparency...and stick with it for two months, then come home.

What have been your progressive boundary enforcements over all this time...first A, you kick him out, then let him back, then he does it again...what's your second enforcement? Third? Fourth? I don't know what one you'd be up to now.

When does it get to where you file for separation, plan to go very dark in a REAL Plan B? Would it take him to be meeting these online folks in real life? Talk to them on the phone, just not on the net? Where you draw your lines is up to you...and drawing them is a really important step.

Even if your WH doesn't "get it"...you make sure YOU do...only you can control you...and you're half of the marriage. You matter. You are irreplaceable. You're real. You are not fantasy like AP's. And it's up to you to bring reality because only one of you is living in it.

Welcome...if you don't get more responses to your post, consider copying and pasting it to Infidelity: General Questions II forum...it gets the most traffic. And if you do, add in the answers to my questions, 'k? So you don't have to repeat, repeat and repeat.

Seems like you've been living in repeatland long enough. Welcome to the way out of it.

LA

Dear LovingAnyway

Thank you for your reply and insights! I actually came across the MB website before discovering his affair. In fact, I was researching about relationship crisis when our relationship first became very strained, which was during the first few months after my pregnancy was confirmed. I wrote him a letter about how troubled I was by the strain we started to experience, and asked if someone else was involved. At that time, I found MB’s EN questionnaire and made both of us fill one out. However, discovery of his affair came very shortly afterwards and everything just went into a tailspin. I was also dealing with my first pregnancy, and the emotional roller coaster of the devastation. During this time, I’ve read so much information, especially the concepts on the MB website, including Plan A, Plan B.

I’ve exposed his affair to both of our parents. His parents even told him repeatedly that I would be their only daughter-in-law and that the other woman will never be welcome in their house for any occasions. If he insisted to break up the marriage, that they would just have to deal with having one less son. Of course, his parents deal with this in a way that totally ignored my WH’s free will to choose.

And as you said, he is choosing.

My WH was never keen about all the clinical psychological analysis, counselling, etc. He’s convinced that he’s the perfect husband except for the affair, whereas I am a terrible wife with whom he’s fallen out of love, or worse yet, with whom he’s never been in love. I think you hit the nail on the head in that my WH has never come out of the fog. He was never truly engaged in or committed to rebuilding us. I asked him to move out after I tried Plan A and he’s repeatedly violated the promises of NC. Before he moved back in, he wrote a long letter committing to a number of things I’ve requested, conditions, which includes counselling, daily communication, a plan of marital recovery, NC (again), etc. I even asked him to wait and think very hard before allowing him to move back in. I thought that was enough.

You are right. I didn’t implement Plan B the first time properly. If I am to give this marriage, and him, any real chance of survival, he will have to demonstrate over a much longer period for Plan B. Demonstrate his commitment and coming out of the fog through his behaviors, and not just words or promises since he’s clearly broken those over and over again.

Your questions are very helpful. I will have to give those some serious thoughts as I am deciding what to do. I will also take your advice and post this to the General Question II forum for other perspectives.

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply!

Seekinginfo

I look forward to seeing you over on GQII.

One thing today...don't go into his point of view, 'k? Stay where you know you're not the cause, control or cure for him, his stuff, 'k? He can believe he was a great husband except for his affair...and you can KNOW he's half of the marriage...and you're the other half.

That's your limit and your power.

Sounds like you have already learned a lot...and I don't see you taking my post as saying you did it wrong or bad. Thank you for that!

There are two recoveries from an A...there's the personal one, only you control (and he only controls his own), and the marital one. There's not a drop of psychoanalytical stuff in that. Just reality. Part of his redemption for himself, his healing and understanding, is within his choices today...so the requirements to return home, which are FOR The Marriage...are like most we do in marriage...what we do for ourselves benefits the marriage.

So requiring steps to health isn't an LB...isn't you manipulating him...it's you honoring your marriage...no matter how you feel...you act, and the feelings follow.

Please focus on your own boundaries...what you hold yourself to doing and not doing...and chart your progressive, pre-determined boundary enforcements.

Thank you for being here and being brave.

LA