My wife and are have been having problems for a long time now and things just got worse and worse. I couldnt live up to fullfilling her needs emotionaly/mentally and I lost her love. She would goto other people, usually men to talk to so she could have something to smile about. They could always make her feel better Anyways I started trying to change who I was to give her what she needed and things got better but they always came back down because i couldnt get her to stop talking or confining in someone else. Anyways she took her rings off, started telling people she was single and I was the X and she asked me to get out plus she wanted a divorce. For easter her and her parents went to see her brother for the holiday.. well saturday nite she went out drinking with her brother and ended up sleeping with his room mate. The nite she came home I over heard her conversation with him and I got to here about how the sex was and its still tearing me up, I moved out the next day but I just cant get over it. Her and I are still talking and txting usually in anger and we agree that we both screwed the other up mentally. I want her back but shes started a new relationship and she says were too broken right now to fix anything. I knows she right but I dont know what to do, we have 2 daughters and shes giving me every other weekend with them.. This hole thing has gotten me hurting bad, sleeping would be a dream come true.. headaches, cant really eat.. and for sure cant stay focused on anyone topic unless its about her. She also said in a text "If we get through this and buy some chance we do get together again atleast well know we can make it through it all n our love is real" How can we find it again if we arnt together, is there a chance being apart will bring us together? And in the mean time, should i be understanding of what she did?...

Also to bring things up, I told her parents, friends.. i emailed the guy she slept with and yea its no guess that shes pretty mad at me for it. Told me i had no right to do that, and im not to contact her family about her life. I only called her mom cause she went through it with her husband.. when my wife was 14 her father walked out of her family to go start another family. Hes walked in and out of there life alot, they have alot of problems. But i only called her to find out she delt with it, and how she ever trusted him again. Marriage isnt the greatest and she still has trust issues with him.

Things just dont end, now shes put in her notice with the landlords saying she'll be out may 1st. She plans on moving 200 miles to live with this guy, hasnt even been 2 wks they've known each other but then again she got with him after knowing him 6 hrs. She needs a car or something and i guess he's got a ‘camero’ she can have.. wtf! i cant tell the BS anymore if it is. almost 5 years together and in 2 wks they've hit mach speeds. Ive started counseling to try to figure out myself basically im no good to anyone a basket case.

Everyone keeps telling me that I did the right thing by leaving, but I cant stop dwelling on the whole thing. She called me the other nite and had a break down on the phone crying one minute, screaming at me the next telling me how I screwed her all up and it’s all my fault that this happened. I just decided to goto college this past month so I could change my life and have a real career, God I feel like I picked a bad time.

Digits19 - Yep, you are fault for her problems, no doubt about it. It's straight out of the "Wayward Spouse Handbook," Course Number 101.


"I'm sorry, honey. I thought you set the rules that each of us can do whatever we want to do regardless of the feelings of the other. Did I misunderstand the infidelity lesson you were trying to teach me?"


Digits, you contact anyone you feel is necessary. It is called "exposing the affair." She wants to continue on as if there are NO consequences to her choices, no matter who she hurts. Exposure begins to shine the light of day on the lie she is telling herself.



IMMEDIATELY! DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT DO ANOTHER THING UNTIL YOU DO THE FOLLOWING:

Contact an attorney and get a Legal Separation Agreement drawn up. Include in it that she is NOT allowed to take your child out of State. Include in if she moves within the State that SHE is to NOT have any custody of your child nor remove him from the family and friends he knows.

Immediately separate ALL finances. Take her off of ANY joint accounts that you hold. Close them and open new ones if you must, but END her access to family funds. You need to protect yourself AND your child in this area.

Plan for a divorce on the basis of adultery. Document everything, such as the disgusting conversation with the OM.

In short, prepare for WAR. She will NOT "hear" anything you say right now. "Common Sense" has taken a vacation to get away from her. So don't worry if she doesn't seem to be hearing anything you are saying or see any value in anything you are doing or changing within yourself. Let the consequences of HER choices begin to "come home to roost" for her, and when the fog begins to part, THEN she might be more open to listening to you.

Good luck and God bless!

Are accounts are separate right now, and we're also in the middle of bankruptcy. Young and dumb got the best of us financially. She's already got the plan of divorce when the bankruptcy is complete. Mean while she isn't going to move out of the state she already knows she cant.

She already filed for custody and support, just waiting for the papers in the mail, because i work 2nd shift and goto college in the mornings i don't think I'm going to get very far on that not. She brought up every other weekend custody until i get everything in my life setup.

Ill graduate in 2010, without sounding bad i want to finish school so i can really have a future for my kids and me, but to take more custody than weekends i wouldn't be able to continue school, work, and be with them. My choices are really depressing that I'm going to have to sacrifice something i really need/want. I love my girls but what kinda of dad would I be if I quit what I've started. Hence my title Lost.

My counselor says its a choice I have to make but she recommends that i stay in school. She also said that she thinks (my soon to be) xW will come crashing down all on her own.

"Wayward Spouse Handbook" <- got a link to that?

Rebuilding ones life isn't a easy task when you have to start completely at the bottom again, kinda like a teenager. This sucks, but i will start filing for separation and what custody i can get right away so she cant X me out of there life!

i am in school full time and work full time and have primary custody of my kids with ex seeing them very little.

i agree for you to stay in school. that degree will give you a good future. what is your major in? can you possibly do the degree online? i go to an only SUNY college. (state college). they do accept out of state enrollment. they took all of my credits i had taken in years past plus you make up your own degree! you pick the classes and formulate the degree to your goals. also, they will turn life experience, job experience, into credits as well. it is really geared towards adults. let me know if you would like more info.

it is hard but well worth it.

mlhb

Going to ITT-Tech for Computers and Electronics Technology. I was looking into the online courses but this offered me a 97% guarantee to a career at the end of the course, also before the end tbh. I helped put my wife through college (financially) and as soon as i start going all hell breaks lose.

"and have primary custody of my kids with ex seeing them very little."

Can i ask how in the world you manage and when do you get to see them? Honestly if shes going to be like this running new relationships all the time, i dont think the girls should have new guys in/out and living with them. Without sounding mean, shes never been alone since the age of 15, shes always had a relationship even if they only last a few wks. Ours lasted 5 years i guess i did something right.. atleast for a little while

well, here is a glimpse at my daily schedule:

up by around 5am, do a workout til around 6:30am (I am trying to start up a side business as a jazzercise instructor so am putting in some extra time in the workouts). I do this at home. my kids are 10 (twins). hop in the shower at 6:30, get breakfast going and kids up by 7. they have their clothes picked out the night before and lunches made the night before. they eat and get themselves dressed while i get ready for work. drop kids off by 8:15 at school, i go tanning, then get to work by 9. i leave work around 4, pick up kids, get home around 4:30 or 5. we have dinner, i try to get in another 30-60 minute work out while they play or watch tv or do their chores. from about 7-9 or 10 each night i work on homework. i bring my books to work with me as well and during any down time i will try to read my text books as well. i drop into bed by 10 and am out like a light til the next morning i do it all again. while i do homework kids get out their clothes, make their lunches, shower, and get ready for bed. i pay them a weekly allowance for being such good helpers. on the weekends, i have more time, i work on more homework then. is my house perfect? hell no! something has to give. it is passable. i'll have time for more cleaning when my degree is done. once i am certified to teach jazzercise i will probably not work out in the morning since i would be teaching in the evenings. i would probably use that time for homework.

my kids don't need me to entertain them 24/7. i take my classes online so i can be here with them. it will probably be next year or the year after before i am done as well. and i may go for a masters when i am done. it IS doable, but you must live on a schedule, be very organized, and plan ahead. you must a good time manager.

feel free to ask any other questions. i'll help what i can!

mlhb

I'm going to disagree here about the first thing you need to do. The absolute first thing you need to do is stop texting her (or communicating with her in any manner) in anger or while angry. This isn't productive, no matter which road this relationship takes or the outcome of it. No matter the outcome: you will always have to co-parent with her. Married or divorced, you will have to do this. If you are angry, take that perfect opportunity to shut up, not communicate, and wait until you are calm.

The second thing you need to do is contact an attorney and file a court motion to bar her from removing the children from the state pending a formal custody agreement.

You absolutely needed to move out, but I think you should have consulted an attorney prior to doing so. In many states, she has default physicial custody now that you have moved out.

As for what she did and is doing...you can understand it without agreeing with it. You need to first come to accept it as reality. This will help with the tailspin you seem to be on.

move back home
move back home
move back home

today today today today today..

your family
your children..

you are going to get slapped with abandonment

she's free to go..

you get you [censored] back home...your daughters deserve ONE ADULT man enough to care enough about them...not to sleep and date strangers...

move back home
move back home
today...

get YOUR own lawyer...and plan to seek PRIMARY custody..your wife is setting up the children for an endless parade of strange men that are mommies friend...

they will be more at risk for abuse...
failed relationships themselves
teen pregnancy etc.....


move back today...

ARK

oh my goodness, yes you need your own lawyer!

mlhb

Digits...

I am sorry you are going through this. Your wife sounds like a truly lost soul, as all waywards are...although some seem to be worse than others (multiple affairs).

First of all, pack your stuff and move back home immediately. No, you do not need her permission at all. Just do it. Then, get a lawyer and find out all of your options in your state regarding divorce and custody.

You asked about a wayward handbook...well, I happened to write on a few weeks ago...here ya go!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218#Post2029218

*sigh*

We had an apartment together, she has given notice that shes moving out and the end of the month. She plans to move in with the new guy by may 1st. I got my girls this weekend and I didn't think to come here and read up till now, I miss them already. Her parents already took them out for breakfast saturday morning, they told me they don't agree with what she is doing but they sertainly wont say anything. She already filed for Custody and Child Support, i have to wait now for the court papers and such. Shes not going to move out of the state, she knows she can't and that i won't agree to it.

As for moving back, how do you sleep in the bed that some other guy has been sleeping with your wife (the mental part of this is going to tear me apart.) I'm not texting her and if she calls me it's to see how the girls are doing, but i am angry and i'm not going to call her cause its not going to make things easier or better.

As for a lawyer, i can't afford one but there's a few i can call for advice/info so that'll be the route i'll take. I'm not sure about the abandoment part only cause she told me to get out or she was going to call the cops at some point. Her brother went through that and they made him leave while she was in the house destroying everything.

If it ain't one thing its another

Sleep on the sofa if you have to, but do not risk being charged with abandonment. Besides, I would think that you would want to be there to keep OM away from your children in their home.

I would never, ever agree to letting your WW take your children to live with OM, no matter where he lives.

Get your OWN attorney and fight this.

Who

can you get a legal aid attorney? here in NY it is based on income.

i would think you would have a good chance of fighting her moving those kids in with om.

i don't remember, do you have a legal separation? if not, than i would think she could not move those kids in with om. if you do, then post legal sep behavior cannot used against her.

do your girls see a counselor? that is how i kept ow away for so long. because counselor said it would be too much for them to handle right now (meeting and spending time with ow). i was able to hold off his having over night visits (because he lived with her) for quite some time.

just some ideas.

it would not be hard to prove you are the better parent right now simply because she is moving in with her affair partner and has no problem having her girls around him.

mlhb

Im in NY, and i'll look into legal aid as soon as my class is over. As for the legal seperation im not sure if its in the works, we are in the middle of bankruptcy My girls are 3 and 1, they don't exactly talk yet so theres no counselor. I was woundering how that would affect them with her bringing a new guy around im mean my oldest has only seen me with her.

Been together for almost 5 years and not even a year into the marriage it's over like this. I just don't get it. Oh yea on a side not... he's giving her a camero just so happens to be her favorite car and she needs her own car right now.

Hmmm... you are in NY?
well, legal aide in this state is pretty tough. you have to make next to nothing in order to get it which i think is wrong. i had to borrow money from my parents to get an attorney because legal aide counted my child support as income and with that alone i made too much.

is there anyone you can borrow some money from for a lawyer?
you cannot afford to wait for your classes to be done i don't think.... you can represent yourself in custody court but it is not advised. if you do, have all of your ducks in a row. did you get the papers yet that your wife has filed? is she seeking joint or full custody?i can help you at least maybe with some of the custody stuff as i have been there done that. without a legal sep you bet you can use her affair against her for custody! we did against mine.

you can legal seps right over the computer for a couple hundred dollars. cheaper even. it is basically a fill in the blank procedure, you both sign it in front of a notary and file it with the clerks office. it is pretty cut and dry.

keep posting and asking questions. i might be able to help you with some of this stuff knowing you are from NY.

mlhb

Yea im in NY, Buffalo area if that helps. But she went downtown and filed and they told her the info would be mailed to each of us and it takes a few weeks. Shes says i can see them as much as i want but with work and school im set to wen and fri mornings but weekends are free.
As for her and I, i know its over. I've been fighting her for awhile now to be with me and to keep the family. I posted a while ago how she wanted to go meet someone 1500 miles away, he told her he didnt want anything to do with her while she was married because his wife screwed him over a year ago and didnt think it was right of what she was doing. Anyways she rejected him after he said that and with a weekend she has Mr. Right, BS. Truthfully i just want our kids to grow up better than whats she gone through and what shes doing so any help is great.

I'm looking for a lawyer that might do payment plans or something reasonable, $100-300 an hr isn't doable at any means. (legalmatch.com)

oh i hear you. i was actually born in buffalo! live upstate now.

anyway, my attorney is good but expensive. almost 200.00 an hour. cost 3000.00 to retain him for custody battle. we settle pretty easily so we got most of the retainer back. i just had to retain him again for 2000.00 for the battle over the marital residence. had to use all of my student loan money i just got :-(
i hope we settle this deal fast as well because i need as much of that retainer back as possible.

your kids are only 3 and 1? and you only see them about twice a week? gosh, that is a lot of time for them to be brainwashed by your ex. i'd seriously look into switching into something like empire college where i am so you can do online. your priorities should be to have your kids as much as possible and away from her influence. i know you want that degree and that is great. i am on the same path BUT, you will get it whether you go to a campus (which is taking time away from seeing your kids) or if you do it online (which you could do with your girls there). empire is a suny college so you could get all kinds of financial aid and student loans to help with living expenses.

mlhb

Today the girls are in daycare from 7am to 5:30pm. And probably going to be 8am to 5pm the rest of the week, cept wen&fri wont be till later in the day.
If the stress doesn't kill me, my girls calling someone else daddy certainly would! I know you all said don't talk to her, but how about trying to tell how shes going to let her daughters run the same life shes running that she always told me she regreted (sp?)
$200 an hour, damn, $2000 to retain... lawyers are important but damn talk about the route to all evil. I just sold the last of my home theatre stuff for car ins & gas so I'm afraid i might have to do it all on my own in the court room but hopfully free advice on what to expect and to do. I'm not worried about CS, i would most certainly buy my kids anything they needed. Kinda why i need this degree for a career so i can work against financial BS like i have now. I dont want to fight life for $20 in gas. But in my current situation i'm scared. I dont want to put them in jeopardy. As a couple we were getting by safely, as a single OMG!

gosh, that is a long day in daycare for 2 little ones...

yes, when a marriage ends it is usually hard financially and it is usually harder on the one who got screwed over. my ex left and moved in with ow. so, there's 2 incomes right there. even with paying cs he is still wayyy better off than i am. plus, he is part time military, went to iraq, and made something like 20,000 in 4 months of being over there. my kids and i never saw a dime of it.
meanwhile, here i am, in school full time (on campus at that time), working parttime, and doing all i can not to lose the house. i lost my car because he used to pay the car payments but did not pay mine after he left. i know it is not easy.

my church family helped me out a lot. i got help with groceries, paying bills, etc, from my church. cut back as much as you can on things. utilize the food pantry. see if you can get heating assistance. sell on ebay!

once you get the papers i would be curious what they say...

start keeping records of everything. everything she says, everything she does, anything to do with your kids, etc. it will only help you in the end. i had a couple years worth of documentation and thank god i did. i still keep documentation. you never know when you may need it.

haven't been to buffalo gosh in years. i can't even remember where we lived when we lived there. i think it was somewhere on the outskirts but i could be wrong.

mlhb

i agree about lawyers too... i am finishing my degree in the wrong darn area! law school would be the way to go!

mlhb